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Should I marry/date a therapist/psychologist?


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I just thought i would ask this question. Basically I'm a sensitive man....not a weak man...but i had a very unhappy childhood/ dysfunctional family. And alot of bad things have happened in my life...(bad luck, life failures, betrayals by others and family, feeling embarrassed about certain failures, being broke financially at times in the past etc,...)

 

 

it's all behind me now and i'm 32 starting a new career direction...but i have alot of issues in that...i try very hard to do positive things with my life...and actually planning on attending acting school in the future because i think i really could be a great stand up comedian. People tell me i'm a very funny guy. but in the meantime I lift weights, do some dance training, I'm learning some foreign languages, and getting my career in IT (info systems) going....and i have alot of plans.

 

but I feel haunted by the bad things that happened to me and how family members (father, mother, brother, relatives ) abused me emotionally as well as other issues.

 

I appear to be this good-looking confident man...but the truth is - i have had (ALOT) of problems...sometimes when people learn this...they are suprised, frightened and shocked because i don't look like the type who has those kind of problems.and i have this new idea in my mind that maybe- i need a woman who has the ability to be a good listener who is very patient and caring and knows how to be that.I say this because i have had alot of situations where i encountered beautiful women who liked me physically and liked my personality and wanted a relationship with me, but once they saw - i was the type of man who needed a pep talk all the time...they got bored/annoyed/scared and lost attraction to me...and accuse me of complaining too much.....about my family and about what other people did to me emotionally.

 

 

and even when I encounter some pretty women who are kinda nice who actually seem to care...they also too get turned off at the idea of...giving their big strong man a constant "pep talk" and some women because maybe they had a nice childhood...don't know how to be a good listener/friend and they want a strong man who never shows any weakness whatsoever.

 

i remember once i was dealing with a female and she was a beautiful slavic woman who really liked me alot...and once she got to know me better and I began to share about my problems...she got turned off immediately and never spoke to me again and refused to talk to me after that. and even that bothers me to this day.. because i have to live with yet another person...hating me and not giving me chance because i wasn't "cool" enough and thinking that i'm crazy.

 

and while she had this right to reject me vehemetly...i realize that i just can't expect women - especially very pretty women - to have that type of patient,loving,understanding, caring personality who can listen to others and be a good friend and be unselfish.

 

I realize now i need to dig deeper and come up with a good creative strategy to attract what i'm looking for. and that's when the lightbulb went off into my head. And i actually found some articles about this subject - of dating/marrying a psychologist or a person who works in that field.bad idea? good idea?

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Some things very wrong with this my friend that I think you'll need to get your head around and I don't mean to make it sound like I am having a dig at you because I've been down the road you are. That feeling of heaviness in your heart not to mention in your head for whatever reason can be very damning. But...

 

1) You cannot expect to heap your problems onto someone else. These are your problems and guess what, the world does NOT give a damn about it regardless. You are the one who has to sort through it and come to terms with everything and most of all, accept it for what has happened and move on regardless of how hard it is.

 

2) NO woman will care about ANY problem you heap onto them. You think that love and etc might mean it does? That is stuff you've watched and built up from disney and t.v. shows. You're more likely to make them run for the hills than stick by you. These problems are what you have to sort out yourself. If you can't look after yourself, how do you expect a chick to be with you?

 

3) A chick with a profession in psychology? I have a few friends like that and thing is, they're just like everyone else. It won't change a thing. The moment they realise you're a dude without the fortitude within yourself, they will move on to no offence, a guy who believes in himself.

 

4) Now for the aspiring stuff: You are doing well by the plans and what you are doing to further yourself. That I give you respect. But make sure those plans become actions because if you live a life of planning those things, they will never be done. This is what you should focus on instead of the negatives in your life. Forget all that; regardless how hard life can get. Always make sure you do 1 thing every day to improve yourself regardless how little and obscure it may be. When you get home from a sh*tty day don't dwell on the bad stuff. Remember that little thing you did. Be proud and use it as motivation because thats how you progress in life - you keep building with those little things and those little things become big things; the achievement in your goals.

 

This is what I want to highlight. YOU have to believe in yourself and who you are before you can attract someone to love you. YOU have to love yourself. Accept that yeah, sh*t happened in the past. Leave it in the past. Don't whine, don't bring up bad comings. Get on with it. You're a man. BE a man. Wisecrack believes in you! Because guess what, if you continue to dwell on your problems, the world continues to move on and you WILL get left behind.

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Some things very wrong with this my friend that I think you'll need to get your head around and I don't mean to make it sound like I am having a dig at you because I've been down the road you are. That feeling of heaviness in your heart not to mention in your head for whatever reason can be very damning. But...

 

1) You cannot expect to heap your problems onto someone else. These are your problems and guess what, the world does NOT give a damn about it regardless. You are the one who has to sort through it and come to terms with everything and most of all, accept it for what has happened and move on regardless of how hard it is.

 

2) NO woman will care about ANY problem you heap onto them. You think that love and etc might mean it does? That is stuff you've watched and built up from disney and t.v. shows. You're more likely to make them run for the hills than stick by you. These problems are what you have to sort out yourself. If you can't look after yourself, how do you expect a chick to be with you?

 

3) A chick with a profession in psychology? I have a few friends like that and thing is, they're just like everyone else. It won't change a thing. The moment they realise you're a dude without the fortitude within yourself, they will move on to no offence, a guy who believes in himself.

 

4) Now for the aspiring stuff: You are doing well by the plans and what you are doing to further yourself. That I give you respect. But make sure those plans become actions because if you live a life of planning those things, they will never be done. This is what you should focus on instead of the negatives in your life. Forget all that; regardless how hard life can get. Always make sure you do 1 thing every day to improve yourself regardless how little and obscure it may be. When you get home from a sh*tty day don't dwell on the bad stuff. Remember that little thing you did. Be proud and use it as motivation because thats how you progress in life - you keep building with those little things and those little things become big things; the achievement in your goals.

 

This is what I want to highlight. YOU have to believe in yourself and who you are before you can attract someone to love you. YOU have to love yourself. Accept that yeah, sh*t happened in the past. Leave it in the past. Don't whine, don't bring up bad comings. Get on with it. You're a man. BE a man. Wisecrack believes in you! Because guess what, if you continue to dwell on your problems, the world continues to move on and you WILL get left behind.

 

 

well...i'm not gonna disagree with you. You do have some valid points.

 

HOWEVER. back in 2007. there was a thread that addressed this very subject of therapists and the pros & cons of dating them in relationships. and being that you are not a therapist or a psychologist and you have not dated one or even have desire to be in a relationship with one...can you really give me good advice? here is the thread i speak of.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/137968-pros-cons-dating-psychologist-therapist-2.html

 

and here is what one woman said that sounded very encouraging. so even though you sound alittle sarcastic...you did make some valid points and i appreciate your response. thanks. be well.

 

OK first let me say I have a BA in psychology and I'm going on to get my Ph. D. So first I must acknowledge that because of this I may have some bias but knowing this I'll try to be as objective as I can. As someone posted many people go into this field because they too have had some hurts to heal, in fact most of us have had some emotional wouds to heal. I am switching careers in my 40's. I came from a dysfunctional family which I went to therapy for and I'm a much happier for it and thus a better person. Who better to help heal others than someone who was once wounded. I try not to analyze my friends and partners but a certain amount just happens. My brother is a tiler and he scrutinizes another's tiling job from time to time. Overal I try not to analyze my friends because it's exhausting to do. I do notice things in my friends and partners but I don't say anything unless it's impacting our relationship in a negative way or unless they ask. Psychologists don't fix people they help others live a happier life. I'm not here to rescue or fix anyone. That's there responcibility, that's "thier ship to sail". If I interfere, I will be denying them the lessons that life has set before them to learn. Learning about psychology has made me more empathetic and accepting of the wide variety of personalities out there. There is 90% grey with a sliver of absolutely wrong/absolutely right. I know some of the young psychologists out there may take issue with this statement but young psychologists are not as on top of thier own issues as older psychologists. Wisdom unfortunately comes predominantly from experience. But I know older psychologists that still have major issues. Also know that good mental health is like good psysical health, you don't go to the gym, work out a few times and suddenly become pysically fit for life! Mental health, like phsysical health, is a lifestyle. I have made mistakes and I will make mistakes and I hope I will always learn from them. In the end psychologists are human, prone to error and prone to have pre-concieved notions just like everyone else. Who can say they haven't looked at someone and judged them by the way they look. I still find myself doing that from time to time but I catch myself. To answer the question:

 

Pros:

- Empathetic

- Good listener

- Willing to work on the relationship. (i.e. all relationships need some work)

- More likely than most to be able to have a fun, healthy relationship. (bias?)

- over time they are more likely than most to be even better than they were when you first met them (bias?).

 

Cons:

- The easiest person for a psychologist (or anyone) to fool is themselves. I depend on my friends/partner to help me "see" myself.

- They may have unresolved issues. (see last point)

- It may be a bit intimidating but no more so than dating a personal trainer or professional cook. I mean how many people are in top physical shape or gormet cooks (except my friend Dana - props!)?

- You can (and SHOULD) call them on thier **** and most likely they will be happy you did!

 

All in all you can meet someone from any profession that has issues. I would hope that a psychologist would have a leg up on working out personal/relationship issues (bias?). I know doctors and addiction councelors who smoke, I know Phsy. Ed. teachers/ coaches that are out of shape. So in the end I'd say dating a psychologist give a higher probability of a healthy and fun relationship but it doesn't guarentee it! In the end I would judge for yourself and trust your gut, it's usually right.

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As a person who works in the field, I can tell you that your issues are not going to be fixed by dating a therapist. In fact, it would be unlikely for a therapist to date you because we recognize even more than the average person how unresolved emotional struggles will negatively affect relationships. What you need to do is see a therapist and not date one.

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Sounds like you are looking for free therapy. Check a local community clinic or hospital and ask for references.

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Also, I have to point out that the person you cited is not a therapist. The person is just a college student with a major in psychology who frankly does not know what he/she is talking about. I'm a therapist and in the past, I have dated people with lots of issues. They are not bad people, but guess what? Therapists have needs too and therapists want their partner to support them as well. What I have learned is that people with too many unresolved issues drain you emotionally and they spend so much energy dealing with their own problems that they really cannot be there for you the same way you can be there for them. So please, work on your problems first and do not put the weight of the relationship on the other person. It's unfair and selfish.

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NEVER DATE A THERAPIST! I am sorry, but this is the type that ****ed me over mentally and emotionally so much harder than anyone else on the planet ever has.. They can and will win and defeat you mercilessly and never grieve over you no matter what. They are able to be total sociopaths and you need to steer wayyyy clear of this bul****.

 

Way to generalize a whole group of people from your singular experience.

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Also, I have to point out that the person you cited is not a therapist. The person is just a college student with a major in psychology who frankly does not know what he/she is talking about. I'm a therapist and in the past, I have dated people with lots of issues. They are not bad people, but guess what? Therapists have needs too and therapists want their partner to support them as well. What I have learned is that people with too many unresolved issues drain you emotionally and they spend so much energy dealing with their own problems that they really cannot be there for you the same way you can be there for them. So please, work on your problems first and do not put the weight of the relationship on the other person. It's unfair and selfish.

 

ok. valid points. i never said i wasn't trying to work my issues. Nor did i say that i didn't have relationship skills.

 

but i believe in life a person must come from a place of honesty. right? i do have sense of humor, work ethic, emotional drive and positive traits. like i said...i'm told that i'm a funny guy by other people...and i'm planning on studying to be a comedian at an acting school i heard of as hobby aside from my main career.

 

i have physical and personality attributes that attract and entertain people. I also am a very giving person and i'm a good friend too.

 

but the truth is...sometimes i get really upset and down - and depressed about my problems and every so often i need an intense pep talk. Sometimes that may be once week, to once a month, to once a year. Soemtimes that doesn't even mean that i need even a pep talk. A pat on the head and some reassurance/validation that i'm okay and there's nothing wrong with me..and that i have nothing to fear...(loving non-verbal communication).

 

and i'm telling you - in my experience women are first suprised, shocked, scared and dissappointed when i open up. And then the ones that can get past me opening up - usually can't even do the things i mention above on a consistent basis. on other words listen, motivate and stroke my big fragile ego....

 

so i had this idea in my head..."well therapist/psychologist type people are skilled at listening to others talk about their problems...it's their skill and profession...."

 

sure are all therapist people the same? are all therapists..good therapists even? ....so while i agree with what you are saying....about being fair in a relationship and that therapists are people too....

 

what is the harm in trying to target a woman who is nice, friendly, loving, caring, patient who is a good loyal friend who is a motivator and who has the skill of being an excellent listener because that's her profession.

 

what is the harm in experimenting to see if that type of woman could be a good partner for me? i mean ...if I get dumped then i'll return here and confirm that you were correct.

 

but what if you are wrong? then what?

 

what i'm saying is this...it is my view that a person who is a good listener who is very caring, loving and patient.

 

because to be honest..i've asked this question to others. and i'm very surprised at the responses i'm getting from people. I'm getting alot of sarcasm...i would think somebody would say

 

"hey tj...i applaud you for thinking outside the box and being clear about what's important in a relationship and the type of woman who is right for you...but here are some flaws in your plan and here are some suggestions..so that you won't feel dissappointed because therapist people aren't perfect and they're human beings too.

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I think you need to understand that there are plenty of women who are caring and supportive. Let me tell you that amongst my colleagues and myself, we all have different personalities. Not all of us are the nurturing types. I don't know how serious your issues are, but perhaps you should consider seeing a therapist because you have imo distorted ideas about women and relationships. If all you want is someone who can be supportive of you when you're down, there is no reason why you cannot find someone like that in the general population.

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Maybe it would be easier if you give us an example of when you open up and women rejected you. Maybe it's something about the way you open up. I don't know. Tell us a story.

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I think you need to understand that there are plenty of women who are caring and supportive. Let me tell you that amongst my colleagues and myself, we all have different personalities. Not all of us are the nurturing types. I don't know how serious your issues are, but perhaps you should consider seeing a therapist because you have imo distorted ideas about women and relationships. If all you want is someone who can be supportive of you when you're down, there is no reason why you cannot find someone like that in the general population.

 

i agree. with your "not of all us are nuturing types" comment. that comes across very clearly in your reply to my thread. but i appreciate your input. it shows me alot about what i need to lookout for when i carry out my plan. But distorted views of women and relationships? hmmm......don't know what u mean....

 

but...i realize that even though you and I clearly VERY different people...i know and understand that your comments come from a good place...because after all you objective is to help people. yes?

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i agree. with your "not of all us are nuturing types" comment. But distorted views of women and relationships? hmmm......don't know what u mean....

 

but...i realize that even though you and I clearly VERY different people...i know and understand that your comments come from a good place...because after all you objective is to help people. yes?

 

I think you have distorted views of women and relationships because if all you want is someone who is supportive and accepting, there is no reason why you cannot find that in the general population. So I can only assume that you do not cope with your problems well so women are put off.

 

Edit: Also, I AM the nurturing type. I just have more than one side to my personality.

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I think you have distorted views of women and relationships because if all you want is someone who is supportive and accepting, there is no reason why you cannot find that in the general population. So I can only assume that you do not cope with your problems well so women are put off.

 

Edit: Also, I AM the nurturing type. I just have more than one side to my personality.

 

From the vibe i'm getting in this thread to the "he he...you're trying to get free therapy" to your comment about how "not all of us are nuturing types"

 

pretty much says alot...and i'll just bow out of this...i don't feel like debating....

 

i've already exposed myself too much already to sarcasm....the old 2007 "pros and cons of dating a therapist" answered alot of questions for me already...i was hoping to attract some of those same people...they had positive things to say....about this topic.

 

but i'm not getting any positive suggestions even a therapist has checked in and is indirectly being cynical and unhelpful. But ... i realize he/she means well because you are a therapist who helps people with their problems...yes?

 

i was hoping for atleast soemthing along the lines of ..."hey TJ you have the right idea and it's good that you have clear goals and know what you want out of life....but...here are some things you might want to change ...because therapist people aren't perfect...and..here are some suggestions to help you have a clearer perspective.. .

 

even though that psychology student who you critcized saying she doesn't know what she's talking about. she atleast has a helpful perspective....maybe she's inexperienced but what she said made SENSE and was encouraging.

 

i can take constructive criticism and i can even handle backhanded complements and logic bombs too from people who don't like me. But cynical comments and sarcasm when i exposed myself alittle....i don't need anymore... of it.

 

so thanks ...for the input.. i learned alot from this...and i realize that some of you actually mean well and think your helping....but i'll end this now..

 

peace out!

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From the vibe i'm getting in this thread to the "he he...you're trying to get free therapy" to your comment about how "not all of us are nuturing types"

 

pretty much says alot...and i'll just bow out of this...i don't feel like debating....

 

i've already exposed myself too much already to sarcasm....the old 2007 "pros and cons of dating a therapist" answered alot of questions for me already...i was hoping to attract some of those same people...they had positive things to say....about this topic.

 

but i'm not getting any positive suggestions even a therapist has checked in and is indirectly being cynical and unhelpful. But ... i realize he/she means well because you are a therapist who helps people with their problems...yes?

 

i was hoping for atleast soemthing along the lines of ..."hey TJ you have the right idea and it's good that you have clear goals and know what you want out of life....but...here are some things you might want to change ...because therapist people aren't perfect...and..here are some suggestions to help you have a clearer perspective.. .

 

even though that psychology student who you critcized saying she doesn't know what she's talking about. she atleast has a helpful perspective....maybe she's inexperienced but what she said made SENSE and was encouraging.

 

i can take constructive criticism and i can even handle backhanded complements and logic bombs too from people who don't like me. But cynical comments and sarcasm when i exposed myself alittle....i don't need anymore... of it.

 

so thanks ...for the input.. i learned alot from this...and i realize that some of you actually mean well and think your helping....but i'll end this now..

 

peace out!

 

You know, in everyday life, few people are going to speak to you the way you want to be spoken to. Sure, in a therapy session, I might speak like that but this is real life. I don't think I have said anything that's too harsh or sarcastic. I was merely being straightforward with you. I think you might be expecting too much from people. Perhaps it really wasn't the case that the women are not supportive when you open up. Perhaps the issue is that you are too easy injured even when the other person was not trying to injure you. I know you think I'm being harsh with you, but I am trying to help you from my experience. I was also at one point very insecure and get easily hurt and offended. Later on, as I begin to heal from my issues and feel more at ease with myself, I learned to appreciate straightforward and honest discussions.

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amaysngrace

No strong woman is going to want some 30-something guy who dwells in the past and uses his problems as an excuse for being the way he is.

 

It's victim mentality and it's unattractive.

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No strong woman is going to want some 30-something guy who dwells in the past and uses his problems as an excuse for being the way he is.

 

It's victim mentality and it's unattractive.

 

That's a blunt way of putting it. For me, it's one thing to be extremely empathetic and careful with my words with a patient, but it's another thing to do that constantly in my everyday life. With my patients I am never going to be as emotionally invested in them as family, friends, lovers, etc. so it's easy to not let personal feelings get in the way of therapy. But in everyday relationships, even a therapist cannot be constantly sensitive, nice, and walk on eggshells all day. In fact, I think most of us therapists prefer to surround ourselves with emotionally secure people who we can be straightforward with and relaxed with.

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amaysngrace
That's a blunt way of putting it. For me, it's one thing to be extremely empathetic and careful with my words with a patient, but it's another thing to do that constantly in my everyday life. With my patients I am never going to be as emotionally invested in them as family, friends, lovers, etc. so it's easy to not let personal feelings get in the way of therapy. But in everyday relationships, even a therapist cannot be constantly sensitive, nice, and walk on eggshells all day. In fact, I think most of us therapists prefer to surround ourselves with emotionally secure people who we can be straightforward with and relaxed with.

 

His reaction alone claiming that people are sarcastic screams out that he has a major chip on his shoulder. It's the world's fault blah blah blah.

 

I have no time for that and I understand completely why you do...you get paid for your time.

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The flaw in the theory is that a lot of psychologists are not going to want to work all day and then come home and work.

 

The answer is simple enough: You need to start therapy. I know it's expensive so you'll have to sort that out. Insurance now pays for therapy, so get insurance or whatever you have to do. You need to begin that process of airing all this stuff that happened with a psychologist to help guide you through it. It's tricky picking one. I personally hate the kind who just sit there and nod while you talk.

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The student you quoted there said that she wasn't there to fix anyone.

 

If you have long standing problems you need some kind of outside help and not to try to find someone for a relationship who is going to make you feel better. That's a responsibility that you have to own and take care of yourself.

 

It would be like someone wanting to find a partner because they need ironed shirts for work but they don't know how to iron...so they look for someone who can iron to have a relationship with.

 

No sane woman caring and nurturing or otherwise is going to want to be a mother/counsellor. That would be a massive amount of responsibility to place on a partner.

I would think a psychologist or therapist wouldn'to want to either as most of us leave the 'work' at work when we finish for the day.

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therapists/psychologists are often very troubled themselves so don't go looking for comfort from people who also have issues. they are just people too and no more or less empathetic than anyone else you are likely to encounter. it sounds like you want the qualities in a person that are associated with the profession: empathy, caring, sympathy, listening, etc. and those can be found anywhere and not in one profession.

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I think dating a therapist would be best if you had your s••t together, or at least were working on your emotional difficulties with a separate therapist, outside of the relationship.

 

I've been seeing a therapist for the last couple of years and it has been a massive help and boost for my relationship. It's nice to not have to cloud the relationship with the problems I can work out with a paid professional. This leaves a lot more positive energy for the relationship. It's been working out very well. I couldn't imagine working through this stuff with my girlfriend. She has her own stuff to deal with and it would be too much stress to put on both her AND us.

 

I'll also add that having male friends to talk with regularly is a huge benefit to life and relationships, as well as physical activity and getting out in nature often. It's unclear from the OP if he has that in his life.

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From the vibe i'm getting in this thread to the "he he...you're trying to get free therapy" to your comment about how "not all of us are nuturing types"

 

pretty much says alot...and i'll just bow out of this...i don't feel like debating....

 

i've already exposed myself too much already to sarcasm....the old 2007 "pros and cons of dating a therapist" answered alot of questions for me already...i was hoping to attract some of those same people...they had positive things to say....about this topic.

 

but i'm not getting any positive suggestions even a therapist has checked in and is indirectly being cynical and unhelpful. But ... i realize he/she means well because you are a therapist who helps people with their problems...yes?

 

i was hoping for atleast soemthing along the lines of ..."hey TJ you have the right idea and it's good that you have clear goals and know what you want out of life....but...here are some things you might want to change ...because therapist people aren't perfect...and..here are some suggestions to help you have a clearer perspective.. .

 

even though that psychology student who you critcized saying she doesn't know what she's talking about. she atleast has a helpful perspective....maybe she's inexperienced but what she said made SENSE and was encouraging.

 

i can take constructive criticism and i can even handle backhanded complements and logic bombs too from people who don't like me. But cynical comments and sarcasm when i exposed myself alittle....i don't need anymore... of it.

 

so thanks ...for the input.. i learned alot from this...and i realize that some of you actually mean well and think your helping....but i'll end this now..

 

peace out!

 

So..you don't get exactly the answer you wanted so you dump all over someone who is genuinely trying to help you and be honest with you (and in a pretty nice way..I didn't read any sarcasm in Eivuwan's posts). You'd rather be coddled and praised like a spoiled pet than actually helped. Have you considered that maybe nobody is telling you that you're on the right track because you're not on the right track?

 

That right there..that's problem number one. That way of thinking is extremely unattractive.

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So..you don't get exactly the answer you wanted so you dump all over someone who is genuinely trying to help you and be honest with you (and in a pretty nice way..I didn't read any sarcasm in Eivuwan's posts). You'd rather be coddled and praised like a spoiled pet than actually helped. Have you considered that maybe nobody is telling you that you're on the right track because you're not on the right track?

 

That right there..that's problem number one. That way of thinking is extremely unattractive.

 

Yeah, I don't get how "not all of us are the nurturing types" is sarcastic or cynical or whatever. It just seems to me that the OP is having trouble finding people because he expects too much out of them and also have a tendency to perceive comments in a rejecting or attacking manner even when they're neutral comments.

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Yeah, I don't get how "not all of us are the nurturing types" is sarcastic or cynical or whatever. It just seems to me that the OP is having trouble finding people because he expects too much out of them and also have a tendency to perceive comments in a rejecting or attacking manner even when they're neutral comments.

 

OP seems very emotionally stunted..his reaction was very childish. You didn't give me what I wanted so I'm going to stamp my feet and throw a temper tantrum and run away. Probably the result of not getting what he needed emotionally as a child.

 

For the record, I was a psych major and though I don't work in the field, I still study and occasionally do some grant-writing. I think your answers were spot on and very empathetic. :)

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