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dating a woman with no friends


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I am thinking that I want to start dating again, but I have no friends and im so worried about how my potential dates will view this.

 

Im 33/f, have been quite shy my whole life and never really found making friends very easy. I did have 3 friends who I had known for 10 yrs and we were very close and socialised together, but this changed in july 2013. I had a period of depression between July & December 2013, and part of this manifested itself by me isolating myself from everyone in my life. I was not well in my mind, and couldnt see at the time that it was harming those friendships by cutting people off. Two of those friends decided that they no longer wanted to speak to me, so we dont have contact anymore. The 3rd friend was more understanding & keeps in touch, but only by the odd text message now and then. Although nodody has asked her to 'choose', I think that she feels more loyalty towards the other two and I am now at arms length in her life. I dont feel animosity, just sadness and of course subsequently my social life has suffered as I now have nobody to socialise with.

 

I am now well again, and trying now to make new friendships - im involved in meet-up groups which are good for helping me get 'out there', but it takes time to build close friendships - for me it takes much longer than most people.

 

I also want to start dating. With the exception of a 4 month relationship which ended a year ago when he cheated on me, ive been single for over 2 years. My sister keeps saying i should do internet dating but im too scared to admit to potential dates that i have no longer have any friends. Im very preoccupied about what my dates will think of this, that they will think that my situation (and me) is weird and it will put them off me. I dont really want to lie either because i think lies always come out in the end. This isnt about having a boyfriend to to fill in the friendship gap......I want to have friendships AND a romantic relationship. I dont in any way think a boyfriend is a substitute for friends.

 

Im worrying about this a lot at the moment, can anyone offer me some advice? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Will a guy mind if I dont have many people in my life or will he think im odd?

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Why do you have to say "guess what, I don't have any friends"....

 

Yes, saying that is weird.

 

As long as you're getting out and socializing, I don't see why not having any "besties" would be an issue.

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Men won't mind, mostly. The issue is more that they should. The man who was concerned about your lack of friends is ironically the one you want. Because 1.) you need friends beside your partner to be healthy, and 2.) the man worried about being the only person in your life has his head screwed on properly. You do not want to have a partner be your world.

 

Very recently a college friend of mine invited me to his house for an impromptu party. Turned out it was his girlfriends birthday. I'd never met her before. There were no friends of hers there. It was only small, and we were all his friends and his friend's girlfriends. Having examined it with hindsight, it's obvious that she has subsumed her life into his, in combination with work schedules. That's sad.

 

I'm seeing someone right now who has problems forming meaningful relationships, viewing relationships of any kind from family to friends to partners as entertaining distractions, worthwhile only while they give her somewhere to go, with seemingly little intrinsic, internal need for socialisation. It's also sad. It does put me off.

 

My advice is to worry less about what men will think and more about fixing it for your own sake.

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Mamasita, I agree, it would be weird to just blurt it out randomly like that, but its something that would at some point come up.....for example a guy you are dating invites you to a bbq or dinner party, or a group of people going to a bar, or a double date, and he says 'bring your friends', and ive literally got nobody to bring.

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Shet, I am worried about fixing it for my own sake, im trying but it does take me a while to form friendships, it always has, doesnt mean I dont want them. It sounds like ive basically got no chance of a relationship with a man until ive gained new close friendships which could take years.

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Mamasita, I agree, it would be weird to just blurt it out randomly like that, but its something that would at some point come up.....for example a guy you are dating invites you to a bbq or dinner party, or a group of people going to a bar, or a double date, and he says 'bring your friends', and ive literally got nobody to bring.

 

I'm sort of in a similar situation (military, moving around, married friends etc) and it's never been a problem for me.

 

Nothing wrong with saying nobody is available. I mean, you're 33!!! The days of rolling to a BBQ....and by the way bring your girls and a bottle should be behind you.

 

Mature men in your age group (hopefully your dating 35ish???) won't see any issues at all. Just continue to be social on your own and develop friendships.

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I really felt for you reading that post. I can see why this is on your mind, but it isn't fault of your own- I get the impression that your friends didn't quite understand why you were isolating yourself, and that really sucks.

 

And yeah, not having friends kind of has a rippled effect to how we feel about ourselves, but I don't think it is something that you will be heavily judged for. I am shy and have moved countries fairly frequently, and a lot of the time I feel really awkward that I don't have any friends where I am- but I can say people more often than not will take you under their 'wing'. Now I have quite a few groups of friends all over the place.

 

My advice is to try and not be so hard on yourself! You don't need to make a point to tell a potential partner about lack of friendships, because it really isn't that big of a deal. You can explain later on why your social situation is what it is- really it isn't a huge flaw that needs to be said up front or anything.

 

I am glad the depression has lifted and you are ready to get back into things again. Please don't be too hard on yourself about friendships, or shyness- I am sure there is much much more to you than that :)

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It hasn't been an issue with me so far. The last guy said it was weird, but then went on to date another girl with no female friends.

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Men won't mind, mostly. The issue is more that they should. The man who was concerned about your lack of friends is ironically the one you want. Because 1.) you need friends beside your partner to be healthy, and 2.) the man worried about being the only person in your life has his head screwed on properly. You do not want to have a partner be your world.

 

 

 

Who says a partner will be her world? Women do other things in life besides worry about their boyfriends...

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TigerLilly78

I have old friendships from years ago they live long distance so its now the occasional hello via fb mostly. But other then that I keep to myself these days and I like it that way. You could say I have acquaintances but no true close by friends. Im open about this tho and a potential partner can ether accept me as I am or not at all. Hes dating me after all not my social circle thats just my view on it. So my advice don't worry about it if some one likes you then they accept you as you are not as society says we need to be..btw those "friends" who turned their backs on you back then? not really true friends and your better off with out them trust me..

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Well hotpotato, what things then? If she has no social life, then all she has to do apart from hang out with said boyfriend is work. Or hike alone or paint or something, since if she was doing anything with people she would de facto have friends.

 

By world I mean social world. There are people out there who are self sufficient enough not to want to socialise, but they'll be single by choice too. If you seek a partner you are fulfilling a social need. That means friends. Otherwise you're putting all your eggs in one basket and you're destined to smother your partner, starting the very first time you want to see him but he wants to see his friends and getting worse every time after that - which will be every time, since you don't have any friends to see. A healthy social life involves friends. This is a famous component of relationship counselling.

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It won't bug me at all.

 

As long as a woman doesn't need to be with me all the time or be too clingy, then it's fine for her to have no friends.

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I'll just give you my experience. My ex had zero friends while we were together. The only people she considered friends were her mother and sister, and her sister was only interested in hanging out as a means of getting my ex to watch her kids. She sort of had a friend for a while, though that died. She hung out for a bit with another woman, though constantly made up excuses as to why she didn't want to hang out with her. I tried to get her to hang out with the wife of my best friend, though she almost never did. I invited her to cook outs, movies, etc where other women would be. I asked her to join a gym, club, get a part time job...anything that would get her out of the house to hopefully make a friend.

 

This mattered because all my ex had in her life was myself and our daughter. She had next to zero adult interaction aside from myself. It wasn't healthy and it affected her and ultimately me as she expected me to live without friends also.

 

I will never again involve myself with a woman who has zero friends.

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You know at this point of my life I just don't care about friendships anymore. I cared too much in the past, but gained nothing in return.

 

Friends change......

 

I think you shouldn't make it a big deal. Why do you have to justify to anyone why you have or don't hAve friends.

 

I mean you can say, you have friends, but no one is really close ....it's ok!

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You know at this point of my life I just don't care about friendships anymore. I cared too much in the past, but gained nothing in return.

 

Friends change......

 

I think you shouldn't make it a big deal. Why do you have to justify to anyone why you have or don't hAve friends.

 

I mean you can say, you have friends, but no one is really close ....it's ok!

 

I can relate. When we were young like in highschool days, friends meant the world to us. But as you get older, even your best friends all leave and have their separate lives. All my friends have move on with their lives, most got married and have a family, others move to other states for their career. I have since made new friends wherever I go but it's not the same. Friends come and go quite easily nowadays. Now I understand why so many seniors don't have much friends. That's just how life plays out.

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Having no friends is a common adult problem.

 

I have few friends but I always have someone to talk to if I am in need, and I am also the one who comforts about 3 people about their most personal problems.

 

SO yeah, I am not little miss popular but I DO have ... some friends. Just not many:lmao:

 

 

 

I only have few good friends and a few friends I see on a regular basis.

 

Two good female friends in my local area I see once every week or two, sometimes less....

 

One good friend overseas I talk to weekly, sometimes on a daily basis.

 

One good male friend I see once a month.

 

One female I am friends with from my past in my home state who I chat to on facebook.

 

One good friend from my home state I seldom talk to but we are always good friends.

 

Another male friend I catch up with every couple of months but speak with weekly on facebook.

 

ONE male friend I have not met but I met him online and we ended up as facebook friends; we talk about our problems and talk weekly about most things.

 

I also talk to more people on a regular basis on this forum.

 

 

 

This is literally IT:lmao:

 

 

 

 

 

 

As you can see I do not have "many" friends, but with my boyfriend I and the guys I was dating prior to my bf, with all these guys I regularly told them " well today I just saw my friend _____"

 

 

 

I am not one to become good friends with just any one, I like my own company and do not like to be toooo social.

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Well hotpotato, what things then? If she has no social life, then all she has to do apart from hang out with said boyfriend is work. Or hike alone or paint or something, since if she was doing anything with people she would de facto have friends.

 

By world I mean social world. There are people out there who are self sufficient enough not to want to socialise, but they'll be single by choice too. If you seek a partner you are fulfilling a social need. That means friends. Otherwise you're putting all your eggs in one basket and you're destined to smother your partner, starting the very first time you want to see him but he wants to see his friends and getting worse every time after that - which will be every time, since you don't have any friends to see. A healthy social life involves friends. This is a famous component of relationship counselling.

 

What? What? What?

As if women who dont have friends can't find anything to do if they don't have a boyfriend. Pffft!!!!

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It's one thing to have no friends (good friends, not just acquaintances). It's actually pretty common for adults in their late 20s and up to not have any close friends in their local area. They may have one or two from childhood but in most cases they've moved away from each other after high school or college. Their social skills are fine, they have hobbies of their own (and value them) and they have no problem interacting with others and having fun with them. Women like that aren't an issue for me, dating wise.

 

However, it's another thing to have no social life at all, aside from your BF/GF if any. That is unhealthy and would concern me. I would wonder if she's even comfortable mingling with other people. I would wonder if she is extremely shy (or worse, antisocial). I'd rather not date a woman who wants to center her whole life around me.

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If you're literally not interested in anything other than your relationship, that would be a problem, but I doubt 'not having best friends' is going to be a problem. Most people know that friendships sometimes come and go, and as long as you have your own interests, are talking to other people a bit and putting yourself out there, it shouldn't be an issue. The issue happens when you want your partner to be your world - which you don't.

 

Stop worrying, you'll be fine.

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I am thinking that I want to start dating again, but I have no friends and im so worried about how my potential dates will view this.

Im worrying about this a lot at the moment, can anyone offer me some advice? Am I blowing this out of proportion? Will a guy mind if I dont have many people in my life or will he think im odd?

 

I wouldn't worry about it.

 

From my own male POV, I don't have any close friends because they're out living their own lives. Some of them just want to go out drinking after hours, others have let college take over their lives, etc etc... I'm not their dad, it's not my job to tell my friends how to run their lives.

 

Me, I like to use my spare time making things, fixing things, writing books, etc etc. A lot of women have knocked me for that, but hey... I'm doing alright considering that my family members have all passed away.

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It's one thing to have no friends (good friends, not just acquaintances). It's actually pretty common for adults in their late 20s and up to not have any close friends in their local area. They may have one or two from childhood but in most cases they've moved away from each other after high school or college. Their social skills are fine, they have hobbies of their own (and value them) and they have no problem interacting with others and having fun with them. Women like that aren't an issue for me, dating wise.

 

However, it's another thing to have no social life at all, aside from your BF/GF if any. That is unhealthy and would concern me. I would wonder if she's even comfortable mingling with other people. I would wonder if she is extremely shy (or worse, antisocial). I'd rather not date a woman who wants to center her whole life around me.

 

This is it!

 

I have loads of friends. But most of those friends are casual "everything is great, let's have fun friends". They are not acquaintances, but they aren't very close. Only have a handful of CLOSE friends, if that, and some are very far away.

 

But I use my "loads of friends" to do stuff and be social. I am a social butterfly at the best of times, so I *need* to interact with people.

 

I wouldn't be compatible with someone who was dramatically different and had no friends. And I'm not talking about close friends, though it is always nice to have at least one of those, but socialising friends, who you go out with and have fun, have a drink, go see a show, whatever!

 

OP continue going to the meet ups! Even if it takes time to develop a CLOSE friendship, cherish the casual ones and socialise as much as you can!

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HeavenOrHell

My partner lost touch with his friends over the years, not sure why really, when his last gf and him broke up he's not had a social life, we're long distance, he does have some online friendships but he's let those slide as well, I think the only person he talks to by phone besides me is his ex.

I am not bothered if he has friends or not, as long as he is happy.

He is a loner and socially awkward (as he put it), says it's easier to be alone, but that he's not happy being that way.

I have social anxiety but am very sociable with close friends, I just don't enjoy pubs, parties etc, prefer quiet meal with friends.

When he stays with me he loves us spending time with my friends, so he is sociable really.

I wouldn't fixate on it, any potential partner is likely to wonder more about it if you make a big deal about it. I would tell him the reasons why you've no friends now though if he asks, depression is nothing to be ashamed of. You're doing the right things to make friends, that's the main thing.

 

Shet, I am worried about fixing it for my own sake, im trying but it does take me a while to form friendships, it always has, doesnt mean I dont want them. It sounds like ive basically got no chance of a relationship with a man until ive gained new close friendships which could take years.
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HeavenOrHell

Having no friends doesn't necessarily mean your partner is the only thing you have in your life, I am not the only thing my partner has by any means, I in no way feel I am the sole source of his happiness, quite the opposite I feel he is so self sufficient and appears to not really need anyone that I can feel like he doesn't especially need me in his life, but then he is crap at expressing feelings, *that* is a problem to me, but him being a loner isn't.

I did feel I was the main source of happiness to my ex and I did feel some pressure from that, and wished he had friends or more interests.

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It's funny how there is nobody telling her how important it is to have friends. And that nobody would want to date a woman who doesn't have any. Or how she'll never meet any men etc.

 

;)

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Usually it's having too many interfering friends and relatives that is the problem. You don't have to say anything. You could keep going to these groups on your own or at some point bring the guy if you are dating. He will assume they are your friends and you might get invited places as a couple.

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