Hello and what is wrong with this picture?

[Syconort]

First post! Looks like a relatively friendly place with some straight talking people. Just wanted some advice on my situation.

 

I'm 26, male, self-employed (struggling slightly), have taught myself software engineering (last 4 years) and now build websites for a modest living. Because of that, I've had a slow start, I don't have a car, I've moved out of my parent's house once for about 12 months but moved back in due to financial trouble.

 

I haven't had a single long-term relationship in my life, yet I'm a genuine, intelligent, honest, passionate, nice, down to earth guy. I'm quite handsome, but I'm not that tall (5"7/8). I am Mr Nice Guy, but I've also got an edge. I'm not just a blind gentleman looking to impress.

 

I work at home and live in a different city to my friends and as such don't have much opportunity to leave the house, so I use dating sites to meet people (pof). The only people I've gained interest from on dating sites are either overweight or psychotic. I message average looking girls on bad days, and the hottest of the bunch on good days, and I'm fairly natural in my communication. I have a single pic and probably not my best.

 

...and writing this out I've just realised what is wrong with this picture lol

 

Are there other people facing similar challenges? I've had a few flings in the past, and I'm quite a sensual person. I feel completely love starved.

 

What would be priority here, what would make the biggest difference to my dating life and potentially meeting a nice girl? A car? Moving out? Getting some hobbies (I'm into kickboxing)?

 

Sorry for the massive post! Just laying out all my cards.

[deathandtaxes]

Here's two activities that are very overwhelmed by women: yoga and dance. You'll meet so many women and get good workouts. You can also borrow a dog to walk at local parks.

 

I would also suggest using a pay site like Match instead of the crazy free stuff that's out there.

[fujidabruin]

Hey Syconort,

 

If you are serious about finding a special someone then be very intentional about it. Like D&T suggested, get on a website that is more serious about finding people for possible LTR's and do not do it half-heartedly if this is what you really want. Use your friends and family as resources too... they could be keeping an eye out for a special available girl for you to meet too.

 

In the mean time, I would suggest you also do the things that keep you in your happy place. I believe it is imperative that you feel good about yourself if you hope to be happy with someone else.

 

Good luck and hoping the best for ya

[Syconort]

Thanks, I might give Match a go. I've browsed before but seemed there was many less people, though I guess chances of finding more serious users are increased.

 

I am currently happy in myself. I have many other plans aside from having a woman in my life, and I've gone 10 years without long-term affection and not lost my mind.

 

It just drives me a bit insane, I watch friends' relationships breakdown and everybody talking about wanting nice guys, and I don't even have to try to be nice, I just genuinely am. I think with working at home it's a lot harder. Not like women are going to knock on my door like "hey, I saw you looking over from your 2nd floor window".

[tinydancer93]

First post! Looks like a relatively friendly place with some straight talking people. Just wanted some advice on my situation.

 

I'm 26, male, self-employed (struggling slightly), have taught myself software engineering (last 4 years) and now build websites for a modest living. Because of that, I've had a slow start, I don't have a car, I've moved out of my parent's house once for about 12 months but moved back in due to financial trouble.

 

I haven't had a single long-term relationship in my life, yet I'm a genuine, intelligent, honest, passionate, nice, down to earth guy. I'm quite handsome, but I'm not that tall (5"7/8). I am Mr Nice Guy, but I've also got an edge. I'm not just a blind gentleman looking to impress.

 

I work at home and live in a different city to my friends and as such don't have much opportunity to leave the house, so I use dating sites to meet people (pof). The only people I've gained interest from on dating sites are either overweight or psychotic. I message average looking girls on bad days, and the hottest of the bunch on good days, and I'm fairly natural in my communication. I have a single pic and probably not my best.

 

...and writing this out I've just realised what is wrong with this picture lol

 

Are there other people facing similar challenges? I've had a few flings in the past, and I'm quite a sensual person. I feel completely love starved.

 

What would be priority here, what would make the biggest difference to my dating life and potentially meeting a nice girl? A car? Moving out? Getting some hobbies (I'm into kickboxing)?

 

Sorry for the massive post! Just laying out all my cards.

 

You sound like a great catch. I can definitely relate to feeling "love starved". It sucks. Try not to take lack of interest from girls to heart. I don't think you should need to change yourself in order to attract love -- by that, I don't mean you should get a car, move out, etc., just to please potential dates. You want someone to fall for you because of YOU not what you have or what you do. That being said, I would definitely encourage you to go out and be more social, but online dating is a good start.

 

Personally, I think in order to attract love, most people need to do some work on the inside. Being physically attractive and owning nice things can only take you so far. You simply have to work out what is preventing you from finding love. For me, it's my low self-esteem and self-worth. I'm working on this. Maybe you have the same problem, or maybe it's something else. Have confidence in yourself and have faith that the right lady will come along at the right time -- when you are ready for love, it will come.

[dashfinn]

Hi, I am guy 5 years older than you and there's a lot I can relate to with your post.

 

I think you are going in the right direction. Here's some things that come to my mind:

 

1. Get out of the house and meet girls

Just get out and start conversations with women. You say you live in a different city than your friends? You might not realize it but that can actually be an advantage for you. Try to go into a tourist-mindset. You know when tourist goes to a new city? Then ask around for directions, places to go, restaurants to eat at and so on. Sometimes, that can lead to going out with a local girl. Or girls. This is just a personal preference but I like more meeting women face to face rather than do online dating. There's a time when you have to them in person, even if you're doing online dating. Since you are natural in communication you can easily progress in this area.

 

2. Go for the kickboxing

First of all, exercise and working out does wonders to your posture, confidence and so on. This also has very good effects on male hormones, which play a bigger part than most of would want to believe. Secondly, you are already interested in it. You can go to yoga classes in addition to the kickboxing classes, if you want to meet even more women. Which, you probably would, because you would have similar interests with them.

 

3. Polish your edge

You say you are a nice guy, but you have an edge? What is this edge? Make it clear to yourself and to others. Because you might have here a very good combination. This is edge you have can set you apart from others and can make you unique. Reinforce it and be proud of it, whatever your edge is.

 

4. Grow your business

You are already doing well, since you are able to support yourself with your own work. But keep the ball rolling. Actively build your business, network with people, look for new clients and deliver awesome websites for them. Make yourself unique in this area of your life as well. It will be hard. It will be slow. It will require a lot of effort from you. But growing your business may allow you to do many other things in your life, so it is like a safe base for you.

 

5. Own your sensual side

You know, many guys are not that sensual. This too can be your advantage. Just don't overdo it. When you feel a connection with a girl, show this sensual side of yours. Don't reveal all of it once, but a bit by bit to her. She will like appreciate this side of you, and since you are a sensual guy, it will feel very natural to both of you.

 

That's it for now. I hope I answered your questions in some small way that might help you. I wish you the best of luck!

[Kizza]

send me your pic

[Els]

Your only method of communication with girls seems to be on dating sites - that's AWFUL. Go out and talk to some girls in real life. Doesn't matter that you work at home, there are other ways to meet people.

[Syconort]

Thanks for the detailed advice above! Given me plenty to work on Appreciate it.

[El Brujo]

Fact is, it sucks to be male, single, and lonely in the US at this point in time.

 

There's an oversupply of us men who want relationships (serious or otherwise)... but because of this rotten economy, plus the fact that most lonely people don't know what they want, we don't hold any bargaining chips.

 

While there are loads of single women in the US, most of them just aren't interested in a relationship with a man. In that respect, women have all the bargaining chips because we can't make them have the hots for us and pursue us.

 

Sorry, folks... my specialty is predicting the future. I don't cook up love potions.

[Syconort]

I think one of the biggest challenges of dating (mostly online) is to stay grounded and positive and not grow bitter and start applying wildly generalised statements of what you think the reality is.

 

The situation is quite simple. Nice people are looking to meet nice people, but lots of *******s stand in between. Not surprised men are bitter and women are suspicious. Not being pigeonholed I've found is one of the hardest things to overcome.

[hppr]

Your financial situation is what's killing you. Before you do anything you need to get some independence, IE a set of wheels and your own place. Getting girls won't change any of that and will probably cause more headaches.

[El Brujo]

Your financial situation is what's killing you. Before you do anything you need to get some independence, IE a set of wheels and your own place. Getting girls won't change any of that and will probably cause more headaches.

 

I've had both of the bolded for 6 years now (paid for!!!)... guess what, no women are using their ESP to track me down.

[hppr]

I've had both of the bolded for 6 years now (paid for!!!)... guess what, no women are using their ESP to track me down.

 

I've read your posts for awhile now, it seems to me you have a rather unique personality to put it mildly. That can make dating interesting to say the least.

[El Brujo]

I've read your posts for awhile now, it seems to me you have a rather unique personality to put it mildly. That can make dating interesting to say the least.

 

It can... so far I met ONE woman at a speed dating event, she was almost as batty as I am, which is to say, just enough to crank my motor, and she had brown eyes which I LOOOOVE... unfortunately she was so hung up on the issue of why I wanted to legally change my birth name (=because it sounds like fingernails on a chalk board, that's why), that turned out to be a wet firecracker...

 

Oh well, there's other fish in the sea.

 

BTW I later told another single woman about the one with the name hangup, and she said "that woman sounds like a real dweeb"... go figger.

Edited September 21, 2013 by El Brujo

[Syconort]

Cheers hppr, finances are killing me. I'm sure I'll meet nice girls when I take up some hobbies and get out of the house more. I've come to the realisation that OLD should *supplement* your dating routine.

 

I have recently been talking to a cute girl the past week and it's tragic. She's attractive, caring, warm...but she has bipolar and offers no intellectual stimulation. I'm so incredibly starving for human touch that I don't know I can do what I should do and move on.

[ScreamingTrees]

Getting a car and a house of your own can take a few years.. I wouldn't put my life on pause just to focus solely on that, you'll still be in the same situation but with a house and a car to possibly play inn keeper or chauffeur some opportunist around.

 

Seriously, I'd work harder so that I can live comfortably, but at the same time, you have to be having fun and socializing and generally meeting people - guy friends, girls, potential girlfriends.. You know the deal.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Cheers hppr, finances are killing me. I'm sure I'll meet nice girls when I take up some hobbies and get out of the house more. I've come to the realisation that OLD should *supplement* your dating routine.

 

I have recently been talking to a cute girl the past week and it's tragic. She's attractive, caring, warm...but she has bipolar and offers no intellectual stimulation. I'm so incredibly starving for human touch that I don't know I can do what I should do and move on.

 

Do not....I repeat DO NOT date a girl with a mental/emotional disorder.

 

OP, I'm going to PM you. Let me know if you can't receive PMs.

 

EDIT: Actually, I can't PM you. Have you considered traveling? Since you have an online business, you can go to many other places in the world where nice, sweet, pretty, normal women will appreciate you.

 

I'm actually jealous of you as I'm just starting my online business and I'm under contract to an employer for another 2 years.

[Syconort]

Do not....I repeat DO NOT date a girl with a mental/emotional disorder.

 

OP, I'm going to PM you. Let me know if you can't receive PMs.

 

EDIT: Actually, I can't PM you. Have you considered traveling? Since you have an online business, you can go to many other places in the world where nice, sweet, pretty, normal women will appreciate you.

 

I'm actually jealous of you as I'm just starting my online business and I'm under contract to an employer for another 2 years.

 

No PM yet I'm afraid

 

Damn, I keep seeing this objection to dating people with bipolar, but depression runs in my family (and people with bipolar are still people). I've grown up around this stuff, and I've overcome a lot of my own inner demons through alternative methods. The compassionate part of me wants to be a kind of support. I've been very disarming and genuine and this has lead her to open up to me. Don't know if I could just **** on that and back off.

 

In regards to your online business, if it involves contract work (web development etc.) stay the hell away from online freelance websites! Attempting to build decent clientele through such avenues has lead me to my current financial situation. Biggest mistake of my career and almost 4 years down the drain.

 

Good point about travelling. My friends wonder why I'm not doing that more often! Have a couple of long-term projects soon to be completed, so I'm going to save up and take a bit of time to rethink the kind of lifestyle I want. That'd be the perfect opportunity to pack my bags and start exploring.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

No PM yet I'm afraid

 

I think you need 100 posts before you get PM.

 

Damn, I keep seeing this objection to dating people with bipolar, but depression runs in my family (and people with bipolar are still people). I've grown up around this stuff, and I've overcome a lot of my own inner demons through alternative methods. The compassionate part of me wants to be a kind of support. I've been very disarming and genuine and this has lead her to open up to me. Don't know if I could just **** on that and back off.

 

Depression runs in my family too. But bipolar is very different from depression. There are two types. One is more extreme than the other. Even if she has the less extreme version (meaning that she is a functional human being), you will have to worry about her cheating and spending all of your money when she's "up" and being depressed and threatening suicide when she's down. Being alone is better, imo.

 

I've never personally dated a bipolar girl, but I've had close friends that have and that's what I've observed.

 

I HAVE dated girls with borderline personality disorder. Avoid that like the plague as well.

 

In regards to your online business, if it involves contract work (web development etc.) stay the hell away from online freelance websites! Attempting to build decent clientele through such avenues has lead me to my current financial situation. Biggest mistake of my career and almost 4 years down the drain.

 

Nope. Nothing to do with that. I have no idea if my business will work as I've just started it and haven't made any money yet. So it's possible that this will be a time drain as well. Who knows.

 

Good point about travelling. My friends wonder why I'm not doing that more often! Have a couple of long-term projects soon to be completed, so I'm going to save up and take a bit of time to rethink the kind of lifestyle I want. That'd be the perfect opportunity to pack my bags and start exploring.

 

Yes, if I had time (and was actually able to take time off from my job), I would definitely travel more. Even if I didn't have money, I would still try to find away. If there's anything I learned from this current job, it's that time is way more valuable than money.