Mental health and dating

[colejack]

Years ago I went through some dark times due to mental health issues. I was diagnosed with various illnesses but I don't think there was one fully correct diagnosis for me, only symptoms from a few of them. It was the worst when I was 17. Since then, I've had to deal with it but to a much lesser extent. I've done my best not to let my condition rule me or define me. Since my very bad times, I've done so much with myself. If you look at me today, on paper I seem like a totally normal successful guy with a job, apartment, car, etc. I do many artistic and athletic activities, am in the best shape of my life, and am always trying to get into new activities.

 

I've never been in a relationship or dated anyone a long period of time, though. I seldom date girls to begin with. The last one was about 5 months ago, and she turned out to be very selfish and cruel, and that was the only time I dated someone for more than a month. Besides her, the past year and a half since I've been living and working on my own have been completely dry. And like I said, it seems like I'm doing great, but I can't meet women. That's what makes me suspect that maybe my old mental illness is somehow involved.

 

A doctor once told me about a possibility - that as optimistic and friendly I can make myself be around people, sometimes there's simply something deep in my demeanor and face that turns people off. It's something that people don't consciously realize nor can I consciously control. It's only the remnants of the bad times I've had in the past coming out incredibly subtly through my eyes or something. I really don't want to believe that, but I don't know any alternatives. When I ask people who know me why I might have so much trouble meeting new friends and women, they're stumped, because everything else about me suggests that I should have it easy.

 

Has anyone else gone through something similar or have any advice? I'll say that I'll continue to do my best to remain positive and keep up what I'm doing with my job, exercise, music, and everything else. But it does get lonely a lot of times. I've learned to deal with loneliness, but I don't want to be lonely forever. I've gone a year and a half in my current stable and otherwise successful state, so I'm not sure what else I can do to eventually alleviate the problem of loneliness.

[Maleficent]

The fact you do not agree with your diagnosis I will assume you haven't gone through the treatments?

[colejack]

The fact you do not agree with your diagnosis I will assume you haven't gone through the treatments?

 

I did go through treatments. I took a few different meds until about 3 years ago. I also went through therapy. I still occasionally see a therapist, mainly because it helps to have someone to talk to about whatever. There's one diagnosis I do agree with anymore, as much of it was based on me being incredibly shy back then, which I no longer am. I had the social skills, I just wouldn't use them then for some reason. I'm not the only one who felt that way too - there was one doctor I went to who had the same opinion about that diagnosis as I do now.

[Maleficent]

Ok. Well I have no idea what that doctor is talking about...

 

Maybe you're just not looking in the right places? Not the right 'type of people'?

 

For example - I always had a thing for younger guys. I've been going after younger guys for months through OLD. Things never worked out and the last one ended up being one huge disappointment. So I decided to try my luck with older men (between 33 and 39)

 

Catch my drift?

I don't see how your past mental illness would 'come out incredibly subtly through my eyes or something'

[colejack]

Ok. Well I have no idea what that doctor is talking about...

 

Maybe you're just not looking in the right places? Not the right 'type of people'?

 

For example - I always had a thing for younger guys. I've been going after younger guys for months through OLD. Things never worked out and the last one ended up being one huge disappointment. So I decided to try my luck with older men (between 33 and 39)

 

Catch my drift?

I don't see how your past mental illness would 'come out incredibly subtly through my eyes or something'

 

I don't think he meant someone could sense I had a mental illness years ago, but rather that something is just a bit different or off. I don't totally get it either, but there have been some instances that maybe give some credence to what he said. Random people coming up to me and making comments about my eyes or facial expression - "what's wrong with your eyes? You look like you're on ecstasy." I didn't any offense to that since her next question was, "Can you get me some ex?" but still, it's pretty weird, and similar things have happened other times when I'm out. Others have come up to me and said positive things about my appearance, so it balances out, but I've had a lot of puzzling random interactions with people, mostly girls. And I don't feel messed up when these things happen. On the contrary, I'm pretty happy and optimistic.

 

And as far the wrong type of girl, I've looked in a variety of different places - through sports, through theater and music, through volunteer events. Generally speaking, the girls in each of these things are different from each other, so you'd think if one didn't work out another probably would. It all turns out the same, though. As far as age goes, I'm relatively young (24) so girls my age or a bit younger are what I'd like. I wouldn't mind going out with a woman in her later 20's, but I find that generally those women are looking for older men or ones at least their own age,

[Maleficent]

Well I don't know what else to tell you. Sorry.

[colejack]

Well I don't know what else to tell you. Sorry.

 

Haha, thank you for the honesty. I realize that this topic might require too much personal detail about me to get much useful feedback in an internet forum, but I figured I'd try.

[Maleficent]

It would help to have more info.

I study in psychology and plan to do graduate work in mental health so these kinds of posts always interest me

[Missunder]

Try looking for a girl with similar problems and can relate to you. Alot of times when normal women hear "i have a mental illness" they'll run for the hills. Women look for a normal guy to start a normal life and find balance. Find a woman who can understand and accept you.

[colejack]

It would help to have more info.

I study in psychology and plan to do graduate work in mental health so these kinds of posts always interest me

 

Okay, what kind of info would you need?

[Maleficent]

Okay, what kind of info would you need?

 

well keep in mind I'm still a student...but what mental illness are we talking about here?

[colejack]

Try looking for a girl with similar problems and can relate to you. Alot of times when normal women hear "i have a mental illness" they'll run for the hills. Women look for a normal guy to start a normal life and find balance. Find a woman who can understand and accept you.

 

I'd like that. I don't come out and tell anyone that I have mental issues for that reason, though. Thing is, I'm very stable and the vast majority of my issues are in the past. Now it's a matter of dealing with ignoring bad thoughts and staying positive, which I've managed to do well for the past few years. I've told friends that I trusted about some of the things in my past, and they said that it is not evident in my current self at all. However, they also said that after telling them of my past, they could believe it happened and can see how it's influenced me and led me down the path to where I currently am now, if that makes sense. But the point remains - if you met me and got to know me and then I told you what I was diagnosed with in the past, you wouldn't see it in who I currently am at all.

[Feelin Frisky]

People have often misjudged me In the past and when I turn to the only person that I can that I know won't dump me because I'm her some I've often gotten infuriating remarks from her that imply everything is my fault. I'm a tall and big man with a lost of passions and always take my work as a profession. I don't accept have-assed work on my own part, and when I work with a bunch of people who just never seem to have any ethics to improve it shows on my eyebrows or my dimple gets scrunched. I take Prozac because it help me not o think in circles about stuff that bothers me. And I find that how I'm perceived depends almost entirely on whether my body is in form or I've gotten fat. You can't be overweight and get the benefit of the doubt in America. When I'm been svelte and dressed well I cursed on subway trains that stopped between stations and had girls say "excuse me" with that look of "I don't care what you said, let's talk". So it is what it is. I try to be disarming and outgoing no matter what but I no control whatsoever over how I'll be perceived. I was once standing by my desk at work with nothing bothering me at all, and had a boss come over and bark "stop looking so pissed off all the time". I looked at him as if he was an idiot. Another one told me I look "fierce". Get used to it because sometimes I am. The only I promise is civility.

[colejack]

well keep in mind I'm still a student...but what mental illness are we talking about here?

 

I realize you're a student, and to be frank I've been to enough doctors and read enough stuff to understand a good bit about what goes on with me. But I think it would help to have the opinion of someone around my age who also windows a bit about mental health. A few doctors said I had Asperger's when I was younger. At the time it was believable, but if you met me now you'd probably question the diagnosis. I've met others with asperger's and they're very different from me. I exhibit some mild symptoms of it, but not enough to warrant a diagnosis in my opinion. Others have said the same. Only one doctor said that I had a form of schizophrenia. The symptoms that led to him believing that were hearing voices, fearing groups of people plotting against me, fearing for my life during irrational times, and specific triggers of anger. I've managed to control all of these things. I still get irrational thoughts in my head but I'm able to immediately recognize them and tune them out. They really don't affect my life like they used to, besides maybe social anxiety when I'm alone in a new setting.

 

People have often misjudged me In the past and when I turn to the only person that I can that I know won't dump me because I'm her some I've often gotten infuriating remarks from her that imply everything is my fault. I'm a tall and big man with a lost of passions and always take my work as a profession. I don't accept have-assed work on my own part, and when I work with a bunch of people who just never seem to have any ethics to improve it shows on my eyebrows or my dimple gets scrunched. I take Prozac because it help me not o think in circles about stuff that bothers me. And I find that how I'm perceived depends almost entirely on whether my body is in form or I've gotten fat. You can't be overweight and get the benefit of the doubt in America. When I'm been svelte and dressed well I cursed on subway trains that stopped between stations and had girls say "excuse me" with that look of "I don't care what you said, let's talk". So it is what it is. I try to be disarming and outgoing no matter what but I no control whatsoever over how I'll be perceived. I was once standing by my desk at work with nothing bothering me at all, and had a boss come over and bark "stop looking so pissed off all the time". I looked at him as if he was an idiot. Another one told me I look "fierce". Get used to it because sometimes I am. The only I promise is civility.

 

I've been told I look intense. Really, though, I'm a friendly guy who does not like confrontation unless I feel it's necessary. People sometimes approach me telling me I look scared. I laugh and tell them there's nothing I'm happy, not scared, or I'll find a way to make a joke out of it. I think most people just outright avoid me, though. I'd rather they tell me one of those things so I can dismiss it and show them I'm friendly.

 

I've realized that there seem to be a lot of crappy people in the world. I've also realized that a lot of people have their own mental issues and try to hide them or look down on people who have more up front issues. These two realizations go hand in hand, and when someone treats me like crap, I reason that they might have their own issues going on and are just taking it out on me. It's hard to do with everyone, but I try my best.

[FitChick]

Don't focus on the past. I think what your therapist told you about your being strange or weird was shocking! Sounds like a quack. If someone says you look like you are on drugs say, "I'm just high on life!" Deflect and joke.

 

Plenty of "normal" and otherwise happy people struggle to find love so it's nothing to do with what you were like years ago or what people said about you back then. The past is past. My friends and I were "crazy" in our college days (one committed himself to a mental hospital) and we outgrew it. I think it's down to hormones going crazy making you hypersensitive to little things.

 

While it might have been true back then, it isn't true now, you have clearly moved on so don't dwell. You sound like you are doing everything right. Enjoy your life because happiness is contagious and people want to be around others who are happy.

 

Set a goal or project for yourself, like learning to play the guitar. People often gather around to listen and it gives someone an excuse to talk to you. There was an article in the news a while ago that said women like guitarists!

[colejack]

Don't focus on the past. I think what your therapist told you about your being strange or weird was shocking! Sounds like a quack. If someone says you look like you are on drugs say, "I'm just high on life!" Deflect and joke.

 

Thank you. When people have confronted me saying things like, "Are you on drugs?" I have responded by joking or being sarcastic. One time some girl in a bar came up to me and said, "You look like a f****t out of Harry Potter" and I shot back with, "And you look like some drunk girl in a bar, but you don't see me coming up to you and telling me that." In the past few years I've managed to come out of my shell a lot and be quick and witty with people when I'm feeling it.

 

Plenty of "normal" and otherwise happy people struggle to find love so it's nothing to do with what you were like years ago or what people said about you back then. The past is past. My friends and I were "crazy" in our college days (one committed himself to a mental hospital) and we outgrew it. I think it's down to hormones going crazy making you hypersensitive to little things.

 

While it might have been true back then, it isn't true now, you have clearly moved on so don't dwell. You sound like you are doing everything right. Enjoy your life because happiness is contagious and people want to be around others who are happy.

 

I'm not sure what constitutes your definition of "crazy" in college. I definitely did some wild and daring things then. There is a difference though. A lot of my friends from college can say, "Wow, we were all crazy when we did _____", but did any of them deal with hearing voices or other things I dealt with? No, and they couldn't understand it when I tried telling them even a little bit of the things I would go through. Maybe if you could explain what you meant a little more, I may be able to relate better.

 

I still think that everyone has their own issues though. There's one guy I know who appears to be extremely confident in himself and has a lot of good things going on in his life. There have been a few incidents, though, where he has gotten drunk and become crazed and violent over old issues. He said and did things during these episodes that made you change the way you look at him for good. But on the surface, he's got it all. It's harder to believe that other people I know have issues but I bet if you look deep enough, they're there.

 

Set a goal or project for yourself, like learning to play the guitar. People often gather around to listen and it gives someone an excuse to talk to you. There was an article in the news a while ago that said women like guitarists!

 

This is what I've been doing for years, though (not going out with girls gives me a lot of time for productivity, haha). I play many instruments, wrote a full-length rock musical that was produced last year, and am working on another right now. I've also done a lot of acting and other forms of writing for the stage and for films. I did a sport all through college, and since then I've done a number of bike races. I'm now more into distance running and want to do a marathon sometime soon. These are just the biggest things I've done recently. So, I do set goals and projects. I live for that. I don't know what I would have done the past few years if I didn't have these ambitions. I'll keep doing these things and more because they keep me going and combat the loneliness, but I can't help but want to have some girls every now and then that I can date, let alone a relationship.

[apple OR orange]

have you taken any on line free test for Aspergers Sydrome, its always misdiagnosed and masks itself as just about every diagnoses on the planet.

 

If you have it, dont take any drugs for it, its not a mental problem, its a mental state of mind, you are wired different, anything you take will have a cascade fail in the brain.

 

Women can see your facial expressions as "AS" have different faces (animals can see it very clearly, esp dogs and cats) and dolphins if you get your head under water.

[FitChick]

I was once standing by my desk at work with nothing bothering me at all, and had a boss come over and bark "stop looking so pissed off all the time". I looked at him as if he was an idiot. Another one told me I look "fierce".

 

Botox will get rid of those frown lines.

[colejack]

have you taken any on line free test for Aspergers Sydrome, its always misdiagnosed and masks itself as just about every diagnoses on the planet.

 

If you have it, dont take any drugs for it, its not a mental problem, its a mental state of mind, you are wired different, anything you take will have a cascade fail in the brain.

 

It's been a while since I was first diagnosed, and I'm already pretty sure I was misdiagnosed, based on where I've come since then and other people I've known who truly have AS. You're right that it can show itself in many people depending on how you look at them, but that doesn't necessarily mean they have it. At the time it seemed to make more sense since I was far more socially awkward. I think I was just a few years late in learning certain social behavior, since now I can be pretty outgoing and function fine socially.

 

Women can see your facial expressions as "AS" have different faces (animals can see it very clearly, esp dogs and cats) and dolphins if you get your head under water.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this. You're saying that women in particular can sense if you have AS and be turned off by that? As well as cats, dogs, and dolphins (underwater)? Not sure about dolphins but cats and dogs tend to like me. Still on the fence about whether women like me though.

[Mrlonelyone]

I sat down and did the math once. When I took a reasonable set of constraints and multiplied them out. (% of people with college degre, % not overweight or obese, etc) only about 1% of all the people on earth would fit me. Now if I consider that that 1% will have simmilar list then only 1% of 1% of the people on earth could have a relationship with me.

 

I don't think that's an abnormal number.

 

The truth is my friend, you are looking for a woman in that 1% of 1% of all the women on earth for a relationship. That's not going to be easy for anyone.

[colejack]

I sat down and did the math once. When I took a reasonable set of constraints and multiplied them out. (% of people with college degre, % not overweight or obese, etc) only about 1% of all the people on earth would fit me. Now if I consider that that 1% will have simmilar list then only 1% of 1% of the people on earth could have a relationship with me.

 

I don't think that's an abnormal number.

 

The truth is my friend, you are looking for a woman in that 1% of 1% of all the women on earth for a relationship. That's not going to be easy for anyone.

 

 

The way I see it is there are 350,000 women on the planet that you can have a relationship with. Even if you subtract every one of those who will ignore you or blow you off, that's still a lot of people. You could fill a decent-sized city with all those women. There's gotta be a few in there which you'll encounter that'll like you back.

[kassy]

Do you ask women out? Say at your running club or theatre stuff etc etc? A simple hey wanna grab a coffee or what you doing for dinner, want to check out that new place around the corner?

 

It sounds like you are a nice, grounded and interesting guy... So my next question is what do you dress like? Maybe you need a bit of a makeover? (Many chronically single guys do! )

[FitChick]

Women can see your facial expressions as "AS" have different faces (animals can see it very clearly, esp dogs and cats) and dolphins if you get your head under water.

 

Post a link verifying this. Sounds like rubbish.

[FitChick]

The way I see it is there are 350,000 women on the planet that you can have a relationship with. Even if you subtract every one of those who will ignore you or blow you off, that's still a lot of people. You could fill a decent-sized city with all those women. There's gotta be a few in there which you'll encounter that'll like you back.

 

There are plenty of men and women in NYC who can't get a date. Normal!

 

You are thinking about it the wrong way. You need to focus on will you like the women you meet, not will they like you. That puts you in control of the situation somewhat and causes less anxiety. If a woman rejects you, tell yourself it's really a good thing because you are one woman closer to Miss Right. Imagine everyone has a line of people they have to meet and/or date before they can finally meet their "soulmate." That keeps you from hanging onto someone who is wrong for you. You don't want to waste unnecessary time.

Edited May 28, 2013 by FitChick

[daisybuchanan55]

I have a few things to say here...

 

First, I'm sorry you've had to deal at ALL with mental illness. I've dealt with anxiety/depression my entire life which no one ever believes because I am such a social, outgoing, happy person. I was great at masking the problems/pain. I truly empathize with anyone dealing with any sort of mental illness. Unless you've been there, it's hard to understand.

 

That being said...you are the PERFECT candidate for online dating. PERFECT!!! Online, you come across and friendly, funny and outgoing. If you hadn't said anything about your mental issues I never would have known from your writing. You are clearly intelligent and have a lot to say!!

 

Get on a dating site like howaboutwe.com, Tinder (it's an app a lot of young people use), OKCupid.com or even Match.com. Form online relationships with girls FIRST, before meeting them. Then when you do meet in person, she will have an idea about your personality and it will be more like meeting a friend than trying to impress a complete stranger.

 

As far as in-person interactions go, I think you need to get with a therapist who will work with you on trying to "let go" of your assumption that all your past issues are negatively affecting your dating life. They may be...but they may not be. It might very well be all in your head that you are "weird" or "different" or "scaring people off"...and your opinion of yourself may be what is turning people off, not a previous mental illness that no one even knows or assumes you have.

 

Girls like confident, capable men. Just because you are accomplished in your career/hobbies does not mean you are coming across as a capable dater. I know plenty of idiot d-bags with no hobbies or intelligence who seem to attract plenty of girls simply because they are confident in their ability to attract women. You need that. So, keep up your hobbies if they make you happy, but don't do them to impress or meet women. Interacting with girls is a completely different skill.

 

You need to go out to bars and learn the art of flirting, talking and being comfortable around girls. Find a friend whose style you admire and ask him to teach you. Or go out to a bar and watch a master at work. If you want a great book on the subject, read "The Game" by Neil Strauss.

 

If I sound harsh, I apologize, but I want you to be as successful as possible in this arena. You deserve love!!!