My husband loves me, but loves me not today.

[Tamara]

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I just found this site today and immediately registered after reading the first post and replies to it. I'm in the military and just ended a 4 day pass granted to me and spent it in my room by myself. Not w/my husband, who decided to leave me a note last weekend to say he was leaving me. AGAIN. We shared an apartment, but I'm temporarily staying in my other room on post. He always seems to leave when I'm away (it's so heartbreaking and I'm just stunned, every time he does that), and in the note, he said he was leaving because I lied about the narcotic medications I am prescribed by my doctor. I have not done such a thing, I've been forthcoming w/everything because I really have no reason to lie. The doctor prescribed this and I'm taking it as instructed. I've always had a back problem and it's just been aggravated by my occupation. Not new. Anyhoo, he called me an addict in the note and said he won't come back till I get to rehab! This is all such a shock to me. I mean, the other times he's left it was because we argued and he always chooses to run away because he hates to see my cry and get upset. My thinking would be to try to not make me cry and get upset. To communicate instead of name-calling, not listening and accusing. But the last time he left (about a week ago), everything was going well. Then, when I went to work, I came home to find this note saying he'd get the rest of his clothes during the week. He loves me, so he's leaving me because he thinks I'm ruining my life with the medications (which are not in excess and are monitored by the doctor every two weeks!). It makes me think if I WAS an addict (I'm not) that what a horrible thing he wold be doing to someone, by not helping and being supportive. I left my wedding ring at the apartment and got an e-mail from him telling me I was immature and left it there because I must be wanting to do some act of infidelity and that I should just be honest and tell him. I'm thinking he left me, right? So, who's trying to end the marriage without talking about things. Sorry my msg is so long. Can you help me, you're my last shred of hope to remain sane? Thank you.

[MustBeGoingCrazy]

It personally, to me, seems as if whenever he pick fights (make waves), he doesn't like sticking around for the repurcussions. I think by now, from the way you described it, he should know what will/won't cause issues between you two, so if he isn't prepared to deal with it, then he shouldn't start it to begin with.

 

Also-- for the prescriptions, Just ask your doctor to write you a note to say what they medication is for-- I think it is quite unfair of your husband to be so accusing of you without proof. ((assuming you want to put up with him still, but since he's your husband and all, I'd assume you want to work things out him, although he acts a bit childish from your description )

 

Just tell him how you feel about how he deals with problems-- they're bound to happen, but he needs to learn how to deal with situations. Likewise, be prepared for a similar retort, a "Well, you shouldn't cry when problems arise either." Just know that if he lives up to his end of the "working on things", your end will likely never be needed.

 

Cheers, and best of luck

[moimeme]

You're not the crazy one, though it must've been temporary insanity that caused you to marry this flake. He leaves you at the drop of a hat and flips out over things like pain meds? This guy has problems bigtime. Is there any possible way you can push, pull, or drag him to a psychologist?

 

It is unfortunate that you married someone who is so bad at communication, but I sure would not put up with this for much longer. He needs to see a psych and then you both need a dose of marriage counselling to learn how to communicate. If he won't go, then I'd seriously consider divorce. This is no way to live!

[Tamara]

You all are hitting the nail on the head so much so, I feel as if you're one of my girlfriends who I phoned and told my problems to. In regards to my pain meds, my husband know what they are and what they're for. Therefore, he says I'm an addict, instead of being happy for me I'm not in as much daily pain, in better spirits and been more productive a work/home. He even told him mom I'm an addict. She's been great I must say, and seemed to listen to my side too (guess that comes from being a school counselor), but I'm sure she must think her son can do no wrong still and I'm a liar. I've no reason to hide anything.

 

I did see psychiatrist for this incident just last week, as a matter of fact. My boss was concerned about me having marital problems and I didn't tell him anything, but he assumed because I moved back to post. He, as my boss and because I'm still considered his soldier wanted to make sure there was no abuse and called up social services. It went well, but he had to call my husband too in order to close the file (darn military regulations), so I tried to buffer the situation and called my husband to expect the call. Big mistake. He didn't believe I didn't call the counselor and said he wanted to know what kind of lie I told them. Errr. After the psychiatrist called him, he called me back and said my husband was a gentleman but was reluctant to discuss personal matters w/him.

 

He e-mailed me just this morning and told me he loves me. Tells me this, but shows me somthing else. He offered to babysit our cat so I don't have to get rid of her. I hate to have him do me any favors, but I have temporary duty mission (TDY) for 2 weeks. If we had our crap straight, I wouldn't have to worry about what to do w/the cat, apartment, bills, etc. It's not easy for a soldier to move off post. Your previous msgs have helped me see things clearly and it made me feel better I'm not as crazy as he told me I was. What in your opinion would you do at this particular point? Thank you.

[MustBeGoingCrazy]

I still personally think that you should confront him with the situation, and make sure that he doesn't just know that a problem exists-- but how to deal with it, and how to go about things. You should still have that nice chat with him, but make sure before you even start talking, that you let him know that he is NOT to leave until you get something worked out, as it is important

 

I think if you have him work on his confrontation issues it should solve a lot more problems, and you can talk about stuff civilized. The worst thing, IMO, you could do is simply let the same trend keep continuing, and just accept that he still loves you, and let it continue to slide. It will just come back again unless you work on it.

 

 

I hear you about the being in the military thing, my girlfriend is in the corps, and I know it's hard as hell to get ahold of her sometimes.. hah

 

Best of luck

[Tamara]

Yes, I've tried to tell him to not walk out until we get some answers and to have actually beg him to stay so that we could resolve things. It's not easy without a referee. I'd taken some psychology in school and it just kills me inside he just sees things from his point of view and can never put himself in my shoes. He comes from a great upbringing, but I just can't help but think he was spoiled and grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth. He grew up from a very religous background. I was not, so tried to enlighten myself w/getting back to religion. But, he's more prayer than action and doesn't practice what he preaches. I practically had to force him to read the Bible daily (something HE suggested we do) because he's so tired. That's just laziness and he is using religion as a crutch. He wanted me to convert and you know, I would do anything for my man, if I thought it was the right thing. But, I see him as a very bad representative of his religion. Where in the Bible does it say to act the way he does and walk away from such a sacred committment as marriage?

 

That was one of the reasons we kept fighting too. Because it was never resolved in the first place. He had always wanted to just start over. That's great, if we were able to, but it never fails that he always brought up the past. You are right about your insight. But now I've tried, but I'm so confused as to what to do now since he physically left. He e-mails he loves me one sec, will take care of the cat, left some money for me at the apartment. Then, he's mad at me that I took my ring off and I'm either immature or planning infidelity so I should just tell him before he finds out from someone else! Wait a sec here, he left me. I didn't assume he walked out and left the marriage, he did it. But, I'm wrong in taking off my ring and leaving it at the apartment. Is it me? He's beaten it in my head I'm always wrong that I can't tell if I really am anymore.

[moimeme]

He's beaten it in my head I'm always wrong that I can't tell if I really am anymore.

 

No he's completely wrong. Grown, mature men don't leave their marriages at the drop of a hat. Tell him if he 'loves' you, he will get help. Tell him then you'll believe him. People say 'I love you' all the time - but unless they walk the talk, don't believe them.

[Arabess]

Does he really believe the military would keep you on active duty if you had some unstable drug habit? They are strict on what is prescibed to you without giving you a leave of absence if it's a medication which would alter your total behavior.

 

I think he's just using it as an excuse to lessen his guilt as to why he DOES want out of the marriage.

[overseas2004]

I am just totally surprised by teh fact that this man actually married you.

 

I just ended dating someone who wanted to leave about 5 times in the 8 months we dated. And it was not because he did not love me. Just freaked out and unable to commit among other problems.

 

The fact is your guy needs a doctor.

 

I tried to get mine to go and he did. But it didn't help because he was really just doing it for me.

 

Anyway good luck.

 

But do tell about how you got him to marry you. That is fascinating to me...

[SoleMate]

Your only real problem is the man you are married to. Just to clarify, it's impossible to even have a relationship with someone who disappears at the drop of a hat for his own silly reasons. This is seriously troubled behavior which you can't fix by yourself. Please take it from someone who has seen up close the marital turmoil caused by mental disorders and bizarre behavior, and quit while you're not too far behind. If you are so fortunate as to not be financially dependent on him, I would say "call the lawyer today and get a divorce going".

[Tamara]

To answer your question, my husband wanted to marry me within a weeks or so. We were friends but were stationed about 3 hours from eachother, so we e-mailed and said hello to eachother during exercises. Then, he started to come up on the weekends to spend time w/me and another friend. I didn't know he liked me like that, being get this, he was 24 and I was 32! I know that could be a problem but, he was of course, as the cliche goes...different then . Like I was saying, he was mature, wanted kids (he had a problem when we just babysat a neighbor's dog a couple months ago!!!), couldn't wait to introduce me to his parents and told them about me, extremely religous (Nazarene), etc. But he changed to a completely different person now.

 

I wonder what he could possibly be thinking right now because he just texted on my cell last night at 11:40 pm to tell me, "I felt impressed to text you. Love you and am praying for you". It was late and it took all the power I had in me to not text him back. But, I didn't. I thought about it and thought he would think I was up thinking about him and couldn't sleep if I did that. I also thought it would teach him a lesson that maybe this time, I wasn't going to be the one to contact him, since he is the one who picked up and left...again.

 

It's my fault always for him going. He blames me for every time he leaves because he says he can't help seeing me hurt! So frustrating. Why then would one do something to hurt me then? I can't help but cry, no matter how hard I try not to because it's so hard to believe the accusations he makes at me. It is almost like he has all these bent up frustrations and just has to give it to me. But he really has no reason. He came from the so called "All American" picture of a perfect family. Unbelievabliy true.

 

It's eating me up inside to think why he texted me last night? I've got to admit, I was surprised. It's actually unlike him after he leaves to even contact me at all and he's e-mailed to tell me he loves me and he'll take care of the cat and that I didn't tell him I was going to get rid of her. So heartbroken right now. Well, what did he think was going to happen to her? I'm always on TDY Temporary Duty (doesn't help a marriage too) for days at a time. He was the one to watch her when I was away.

[Tamara]

I know we need counseling, that's a given. But, we aren't even at a point where we're actually talking. I'm wondering what to do at this current time before I e-mail or text him back the wrong thing (in response to him texting me a message on my cell last night and how he didn't know I'd have to consider getting rid of the cat).

 

I feel so stupid and helpless things turned out the way it did. I don't understand how if he loves me, he could take a chance of losing me. He says he still loves me so much but had to go because I lied (didn't) and I'm not trusted. I'm actually penalized for him thinking I will cheat in the future when it hasn't happened and I never did before. It's really absurd. I mean at this point, I feel like I'd go lesbian before I give another go at getting another guy for fear they might end up like him. He started out so perfect. And when he e-mailed, he said he doesn't want a divorce (loves me), probably because it's against his religion. But, where in his religion does it say it's ok to do this? What is he thinking and planning on doing? Just become estranged? Err.

[meanon]

He is planning to continue to use you to vent his frustrations in life at and to do this as long as you will let him so that he doesn't have to face a very frightening reality - that he is unable to cope with life at the moment.

 

Tamara - this guy is doing you serious harm. He picks fights for no reason and then torments you until you get upset which he classes as the cardinal sin and uses as an excuse to leave you. Stay away from him until he seeks help. If you don't there is no incentive for him to sort himself out. If he loves you he'll do it. If not, or if he can't - well you're best off knowing that now.

 

Meanwhile ignore the text messages declaring love - whether he loves you or not is not the issue, his treatment of you is.

[meanon]

Tamara, re-reading your post it's clear that part of what is confusing you is that you interpret his behaviour as proof or otherwise of his love, which is why when he sends you messages of love you find it so confusing.

 

The fact is he is controling you by the giving or with-holding of his love and how he behaves seems to have little to do with any cause in terms of your behaviour. Maybe he doesn't love you. Or maybe he does but it's a destructive love that will do you harm until/unless he sorts himself out.

 

We all like to think that we will be treated well by those that love us. Life isn't like that. Many of us hurt those we love at some point in our lives, try though we might to avoid it. Some people are so badly scarred by their life experience or have such severe personality problems that love and damage come hand in hand and they routinely hurt those they love.

 

That's why it's important that you do not allow the issue of whether he loves you to distract you from dealing with the way he is treating you.

 

Good luck

[overseas2004]

Listen I am telling you I lived through something very similar. Mine broke up with me every month. Sometimes there was even no reason. he would just call and say he was never coming home. Finally I let him go. Why go through this ****????

 

And the fact that he wanted to marry you after one week is just a huge indication of how unstable your hubbie is.

 

I hate to tell people to get rid of their husbands. But how many times are you willing to go through this cycle. I did it for 8 months and he broke up with me 6 times. The sixth time I let him go.

 

It got to be too much.

[Tamara]

I do appreciate and am taking in all the advice from everyone. This has given me strength to not call him, message back or anything. As I've mentioned before, usually I'm the one who does. I do know if it wasn't for all the heartfelt advice and wisdom of you ladies, I'd have done it. It's hard for me to not contact him, especially since this is actually one of the first times, he contacted me after all the times he left.

 

Strangest thing happened when I seen his mother on line on Instant Messenger tonight. Usually when I message her or she sees me on line, she says hello. When I tried to say hello this time, nada! It said on the bottom of the screen she was typing, but I guess she changed her mind and didn't send it. She usually talks with me, even when her son and I are not getting along, so I'm assuming she's now upset at me too.

 

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

[lilvoyce7321]

I can imagine the stress that my husband feels. I know that he thinks that I do not understand. I am unable to walk due to health reasons. Life was greatbefore the cancer. We were both working. I was at the happiest point in my life. So was he.

 

I then found out, and he began to withdraw. Surgery came and went. I remember how after the radiation I was quarentined to my bedroom for about three weeks. All I wanted was a drink of water and something to eat. He forgot to set the food by the door. I went all day without eating.

 

 

I remember being able to get into the bathtub but then not being able to get back out. I remember calling for him and him telling me that he would be right there. I must have been there for 20 minutes before he came to help.

 

I remember asking him to pass me something from the coffee table next to him. He called me an invallent. How that hurt so much.

 

I remember him taking on a second job after I was unable to work. I remember him pulling out all of his hair wondering where we were going to get the money for the bills. He would let me nap and take care of the children when he came home on many occasions.

 

I remember me going hypo when I went off my meds. I remember giving him the cold shoulder and then crying for hours. I know that he is not perfect. Not only am I dealing with a disease, but so is he. I would yell and scream sometimes and hurt his feelings.

 

People always ask how I am doing and offer up prayer, never one considering my husband and the extra load that he has to carry. He doesn't really have anyone to talk to about my disease. He does not have time to be scared or talk. He is always working because We can not live with just one income.

 

I know that he is scared. Anytime something big comes up he becomes distant. He doesn't usually call me names, but he does withdraw and burry himself into work. Work is a place where he can hide from me and all of the problems.

 

He does not understand the extent of my pain. Sometimes I have good days and then I go through periods of not being able to move sometimes. He comes off angry sometimes. I know that he is tired. I know that he probably feels trapped at times.

 

What if...What if I don't get better? What if i need radiation again? What if I don't get my disability? WIll he have to work 60-80 hours a week forever? What if...

 

What if's not only scare me, but they scare him too.

 

 

I am on all sorts of pain meds that make me very sleepy. Morphine, duliad, lower-tab, percacet, you name it.

 

If your health probs are serious, then I would suggest getting professional help for the both of you together. Long term illness affects both parties. Before the marriage and the responsibility things are fine. Once you get married and then this disease becomes his too. He needs help just like you do.

 

I am not going to say put up with junk and poor treatment from him. I am saying that I wouldn't count him out just yet.

 

Inspite of my husbands quirks, he is a good man who takes care of me and loves me. He just needs to figure out how to vent, and not use me to do it.

 

I am not sure I am going anywhere near your situation with your husband, but I thought I would share a bit of my life with you anyway.

 

God Bless you both,

 

-lilvoyce

[Tamara]

[font=courier new][/font] What intestinal fortitude you have miss! To be able to balance everything with the unfortunateness of your illness is definitely something I look up to you for. I've had cancer too, but was covered by medicaid about 14years ago (not w/the same guy now) and now I have this back problem. My husband so quickly disregards it and forgets because I try to stay mobile and in good spirits. It's sad and depressing to be in any sort of pain at all. Because the smallest pain dealt w/on a daily basis just becomes darn uncomfortable and it is a constant reminder of how my body is not healthy. When I got medecine that helped me, he left me because he said I lied and told him I wasn't taking it anymore and then did behind his back. Now honestly why would I stop taking something that helps to relieve my pain and help me gain back some of the mobility I used to have? And I showed him my medical file w/of course the type of medecine written on it and even took him to the doctor with me!! He of all people, remembered (I know he does) of how he used to have to help me out of bed in the mornings, how I can't sit too long, stand too long, you get the drift. So now instead of being happy for me I'm better physically and emotionally, he blindsided me by leaving me a note one day when I came home from TDY (Temporary Duty) from out of town, saying I lied.

 

In the note he said he wasn't ever coming back until I got rehab!! I was stunned to say the least. It's like he wanted me to be in pain so I was helpless and only relied on him. Maybe I'm looking at things wrong because I'm still in this mess and it's hard to see things from the outside looking in right now. I don't know but it's not the first time he left. I clearly didn't do anything wrong but that's just how I see it. What kills me is that he contacts me but never to have a conversation by text and e-mail.

 

I've only had the strength to not call him, text him on his cell, e-mail him back because of this wonderful website and how I feel the hearts of the people giving me advice.

 

He left me and tells me he will not divorce me and is not trying to work things out at all. Things are just stale and dead and left in the midst because he just picked up and took his clothes to his apartment (that he got from the last time he walked out. What does that mean, he just wants to be estranged or what? He always tells me he'll pray for me and he loves me. I need help.

[FreeMe]

Your husband sounds like he's got bipolar disorder (used to be called manic-depressive). I had a coworker whose husband was bipolar and she used to go through the EXACT same thing you're going through - minus the back problem/drug accusations. I think this guy needs psychiatric help badly.

[Tamara]

You know it's actually me that's mental. My husband is ONLY like this to me though. He is so calm and looks like he would never be frazzled. Outside and to his family, he's a perfect human being. It's a total Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. So if I tell anybody the things he does or did like his temper and his outrageous reasonings for what he does, they don't believe. They can only judge by how he treats them. But, the people I work and lived with on post, know me and what he does. They are aware and believe me because they deal w/me daily and they see how hurt I get by him. Wouldn't you think that by knowing me and how I try so hard to keep myself under control, how could he treat me like this? It's something he knew before we ever considered dating. Like I've mentioned before, I'm very forthcoming, despite what he thinks. That's the way I was raised. What does one do at this point in time? I still haven't contacted him back.

 

He talked about regular things in life in the e-mail I got today. Very brief and he ended again with, "love you and am praying for you". He never mentions about our cat (he thinks she's given away now), the keys I asked back for our apartment, or how he thinks I lied. Nothing. Is it not on his mind at all of how he killed us? Or what the future is going to be now?

 

Sick to my stomach. I was asked by 3 people at work why I'm so skinny right now. I'm 103 lbs now and I'm 5'5". I believe it's from stress and worrying about the unknown and uncontrollable.

[FreeMe]

What's he got then, sympathy symptoms? You may have a disorder but you're obviously doing what you're supposed to be doing for it. He's acting completely erratic!!

[virginia70065]

Hi Tamara,

My heart just aches when I read your post. My ex-husband put me through something very, very similar. He would accuse me of doing things I would never do (like drink excessively and lie about it, do drugs, being unfaithful) and I would cry, scream, NO NO NO and he wouldn't believe me. He would withdraw from me and I would be freaking out, saying, "What have I done? What did I do? Please talk to me, I love you." Then he would come around and say, "Oh well, I believe you, you're a good wife," etc.

 

An emotional roller coaster. Devastating to my nervous system. Developed ulcers. Hair started falling out. Gained 75 pounds. Finally, after one particularly bad assault (Someone called our house by mistake, and this wrong number supposedly was my lover contacting me--He actually called them back to attack THEM!) I said, SCREW THIS and SCREW HIM. Stupidly still loving him, I left him on Christmas Day 1999 and have never been happier. Your husband is emotionally manipulating you--don't let him do this to you. Get away from him, don't bother with marriage counseling because the center of the problem is HIM, not you. I'm sure you could use some therapy yourself after dealing with this but DON'T BLAME YOURSELF, PLEASE! I did go to therapy to see why my self-esteem was so low to put up with this psycho for so long!

 

Please, please, please seriously consider leaving him totally alone. Leave him and his sanctimonious attitude alone. God can help you on His own, he doesn't need a psycho praying for you. (Sorry if that sounds harsh but I hate to see someone in the same boat I was in.)

[Tamara]

Oh my GOD! You're post had actual fights between me and my husband down to a T! Besides everything you said, also actually happening to me. I would get calls from my work folks if we had a dinner liaison (we have frequent meetings as part of my job, my occupation is the furthest thing from the army but still being army)where they made sure I got home ok afterwards. He would say I was flirting right in front of him and be furious. He'd say I was doing something w/this guy. So if I go away for TDY w/this innocent person who was just trying to make sure I go home ok, he'd flip and leave me like the other times.

 

He'd reason everything in such a way, I don't know why he married my in the first place. When we fight, I've no positive qualities, but when it's good, it's really great. I know in the past before we married, me and his guy friends were all best friends. I was actually one of the guys and I think that we both thought that was great then, but now it's actually worked against me now that we're married. He is probably reminded of that and so I have no friends now. I have nobody to hang around and pal with and talk to. Not one, because I isolated myself when we got married because things changed so much and it was too much trouble to have a friend without my husband getting angry and accussing me of things.

 

Of course he'd SAY to go make friends and hang out w/them, but when I tried to have a normal life, it wasn't worth the aggravation, stress and emotional turmoil it usually resulted in. So now I'm alone and surprisingly the alone part is not bothering me that much. It's just that I guess I'm looking at the big picture, of what is going to happen next, since he still contacts by messaging me ONLY. If I never answer him, it's immature and nothing will happen (good or bad), but I don't know if I could deal w/walking on eggshells anymore. I love my family and his. E-mailed w/my mother-in-law just today w/out discussing him and she's always sweet.

 

He's breaking this marriage up and I really know deep inside that he doesn't want to do that. He's so stubborn and hard-headed though, he's trying to prove or make a point. I know that. Cutting off his nose to spite his face just to make his point.

 

In defense of my husband. I know there are 3 sides to every story. Mine, his and the truth. I really believe mine is the truth and I've tried to look at things from his side too, and know where my shortcomings are and am trying to work on them. I guess why I'm saying this is because it's strange for me to not be second guessed, told I'm lying or something else accusational or demoralizing. It just came across to me that I'm never told it's really my fault here. I know it is too. At this site, it is just uneasy for me to be treated like my words actually have weight.