Starting to become depressed

[FutureDreams]

So here is my issue, I am a 20 year old male that has never had any form of relationship of any form with a female.

 

I am going to tell you my story, and hopefully I can get some meaningful advice.

 

When I was going into 6th grade, I moved from a private school to a public school. I believe this transition into a new environment caused me to become very shy. Before this, I was definitely not shy - I remember I was voted "class clown" in elementary school. However, all through middle school and high school I was extremely shy, and petrified of talking to girls. The overwhelming fear of rejection caused me to completely void the possibility of talking to girls. I did have a few friends, but they were all guys, and now that I am in college I have drifted away from all of them.

 

Unfortunately, hind-sight is 20-20. In my high school ignorance, I completely missed the blatant advances from a kind of shy "mousy" girl. I would do almost anything to go back in time to ask her out, but that opportunity has long since passed, and nothing can be done about that now.

 

When I went to college, I was able to make a few friends in my field of study. One of my friends has definitely been a big benefit for me, as he is one of those guys that isn't afraid of doing or saying ANYTHING. I have definitely become a lot less shy and more outgoing by hanging out with him. I am however still having problems with girls, because I do not have an opportunity to regularly interact with girls. My chosen field of study is Engineering, and a good ratio of males to females in my classes would be 10:1. So meeting girls in my classes is basically impossible.

 

It is also hard for me to meet girls because I do not party. I just don't fit in well and become very uncomfortable in a party atmosphere. I don't want to meet someone when I am uncomfortable, because I don't feel like that would lead to anything good.

 

The other issue is that because I have never had a girlfriend, or even a girl as a friend, I have no clue if I am considered good looking or not. I like to think I am attractive, but I honestly don't know. I am 5'10", 156 lbs. I try and work out 5 times a week (not like crazy kill yourself workout, but healthy keep in shape workout). As I work out at home, I don't know how much I could max bench, but I can do 80 push ups at a time without stopping. I like to be clean, I shower daily, care for my teeth/mouth, wear clean cloths etc. Not sure if this helps generate a picture of me or not, but that's the best I can come up with.

 

I really enjoy computers, primarily computer gaming, but other aspects as well. Not really a big sports guy, however I do like to consider myself active. I enjoy going on hikes and walks with the family, I have been whitewater rafting, I want to go skydiving. I enjoy going to restaurants, going to movies, amusement parks, etc. So I guess I don't consider myself boring, but again, I don't really know as I have never had a relationship with someone honest enough to tell me.

 

I try to be a nice person, I open doors for people, help people with studying, generally try to be genuinely kind.

 

I feel like I shouldn't have a problem getting a girlfriend, but I just don't know how to. Because I am 20, I feel like I am getting left behind. Most of my friends are in relationships, or at least have had one within the last year. I can honestly say I have a great life, great family, good future career outlook, but the lack of any relationship is causing me to become somewhat depressed.

 

I am considering joining a website like Match.com, but I am hesitant of the response I will get.

 

Here is some additional general info about myself:

-I do not drink (seriously, maybe 1 "fruity" drink a year when on vacation)

-I do not smoke

-I do not, and have never done any illegal drugs. (I don't even like to take painkillers)

-I like to think I am intelligent (3.74 GPA as a Senior in Engineering)

-5'10"

-156lbs

-Somewhat muscular

-Well kept (shower daily, care for my teeth/mouth)

-Shorter length hair (not buzz cut, and typically down to my eyebrows at the longest) - I don't style my hair at all, just make sure it is not crazy sticking up everywhere and I am good.

-Clean Shaven

 

Any constructive advice would be nice.

[Nik1]

Sounds like you need to loosen up a bit, that's the only thing I can think of. Go out and smoke some marijuana, have a few beers... well, I mean, you don't have to. But in the end, girls what someone they can have fun with and you don't sound very fun. Your friend you talk about seems like he can help you out in that department.

 

Don't do any dating sites unless you have lots of money, otherwise you'll only get replies from fat chicks.

[somedude81]

Every week there seems to be 3-4 new guys post here in the exact same situation.

[Nik1]

Yeah, this whole subforum oughta be turned into a single thread entitled "Why I Suck".

[FutureDreams]

Nik1,

 

Instead of giving me constructive criticism or advice on how to find someone like minded to myself, you say I should change into someone who I neither am, nor want to be.

 

I can not, and absolutely refuse to smoke marijuana or do any other drugs. Primarily because it would lead to getting fired, and the other is that I want to stay healthy and keep my mind sharp.

 

Considering I am 20, I am not going to drink. While I am not completely ruling out the possibility of drinking a little once I am 21, I honestly find most beers taste terrible, and I refuse to simply drink to get drunk.

 

I obviously realize that if I did what the "cool" college kids did I would not be in this situation. However, I care far more about my career outlook at this point in time than appearing cool to people who's job prospects are probably much less than mine. I am looking for someone who understands and thinks similar to this. I would far rather be successful with the money to travel and have a lot of toys than resort to going to the bar every night and sitting on the couch doing drugs.

[Nik1]

Having a few real drinks and smoking a bowl isn't gonna change you, you don't need to do it all the time, but I'm telling you, you need to start having a little fun. As for finding a like-minded individual, it's possible, but it'll take a long time.

[Barrsitter]

I don't think there is anything wrong with you or how you look after yourself or your goals and dreams. Taking drugs, drinking beer is the wrong advice for you and not really great advice.

 

Sounds like you are looking for a quiet, thoughtful woman. Not sure what your spiritual bent is, but if you believe in God then pray and ask Him to send you the right woman. If that isn't for you, then just keep doing what you are doing and stay open and hopeful to find the right woman. You sound like a real catch. You are still very, very young with your whole life ahead of you. Don't be in too much of a rush to settle down. Keep your eyes on your career and establishing yourself and when you are ready, God or the Universe or whatever you believe, will bring the right woman for you. Be yourself always.

 

Hope that helps a little.

[rn0408]

Sounds like you need to loosen up a bit, that's the only thing I can think of. Go out and smoke some marijuana, have a few beers... well, I mean, you don't have to. But in the end, girls what someone they can have fun with and you don't sound very fun. Your friend you talk about seems like he can help you out in that department.

 

Don't do any dating sites unless you have lots of money, otherwise you'll only get replies from fat chicks.

 

Sounds like your're trash. First of all you internet date which shows you're desperate, second you tell him to smoke pot or drink..sorry he's better than that.

 

Listen,

 

the best way to practice is go to a bar or social place and talk to people sitting by you of the opposite sex. Don't hook up, but just learn how to talk to people. When you spark up conversations you might have thigns in common. Heres some examples and this will show that they are interested and you can practice on active listening:

 

If they are Math Majors, Biology, Physics, Stats, Marketing:

 

Math, physics, stats:

What did you think of Calc?

 

biology:

"With my major I am in engineering, thats impressive you have taken those chemistry courses, they were tough." (not only are you interested in how smart you are, but they are in tune with that as well. Positive reinforcement is huge)

 

Most important is show you care and actually care. Active listening is important.

[LoverOfDance]

You're very young. I don't think there's anything to worry about at all. I'm 21 and have never been in a relationship. I know it's going to happen soon though. It has to happen at some point so don't worry. Just don't make it your priority in life.

 

There are many other things to focus on other than being in a relationship. You have your career/school/passion. Not being in a relationship is not something that's worth being depressed about. I'm sure u'll find someone soon and if not soon, later. There's no rush. Relax and enjoy your life. P.S, Pls don't smoke pot or get drunk. You're too good for that.

[FutureDreams]

Thank you for the more reasonable answers.

 

I seriously don't find anything more disgusting than drugs, so I will never consider doing them.

 

Drinking is something I may or may not do, that's something time will tell. I definitely am not going to drink before I am 21, and I definitely am not going to play the drink to get drunk game.

 

I am working hard on trying to break my shyness. Anytime I go anywhere, even shopping, I try and strike up a conversation with someone in line or the cashier. Its funny, because the person I end up talking too always seems more laid back once you start talking to them. Almost like they wanted to talk too.

 

Sure wish I would have learned all these lessons when I was younger.

[Mrlonelyone]

@ future dreams.

 

The problem is you are too mature for your age. At some point you will find someone your speed, you may be older, or you could find someone older. Have you considered going beyond the bounds of the college and finding a woman who has grown up a bit?

[rn0408]

Thank you for the more reasonable answers.

 

I seriously don't find anything more disgusting than drugs, so I will never consider doing them.

 

Drinking is something I may or may not do, that's something time will tell. I definitely am not going to drink before I am 21, and I definitely am not going to play the drink to get drunk game.

 

I am working hard on trying to break my shyness. Anytime I go anywhere, even shopping, I try and strike up a conversation with someone in line or the cashier. Its funny, because the person I end up talking too always seems more laid back once you start talking to them. Almost like they wanted to talk too.

 

Sure wish I would have learned all these lessons when I was younger.

 

I'm the same weight as you and lift a lot..looking cut and built will get more females to check you out..get social at the place you work out at. Girls that usually work out at gyms are attenton wh0res the majority of the time so don't waste your time talking to them. Beware of the crazies! I have a feeling they will come after you.

 

Females love positive reinforcement. People I'm friends with crack jokes about how I comment women on their purses or their watches...their nice brand names how can you not comment I'm not trying to hit on them either.

 

Best advice if you have muscle and you go out in the spring..light colors...light blue, light green, white shirts..really show off your chest.