In search of impossible...

[scorpio971]

I like to spoil, I like to pamper...I like to listen, I like to give up control...

I like being submissive, I am submissive person.

Am I a pervert by definition? It appears so whenever I post something like this in whichever community on the net and without listing any kinks / fetishes.

It is a relationship I seek, not a lifetime confinemet in shackles in some low light dungeon.

[TrueColors]

I like to spoil, I like to pamper...I like to listen, I like to give up control...

I like being submissive, I am submissive person.

Am I a pervert by definition? It appears so whenever I post something like this in whichever community on the net and without listing any kinks / fetishes.

It is a relationship I seek, not a lifetime confinemet in shackles in some low light dungeon.

 

Who defined you as "perverted"?

 

It's all subjective. What do YOU believe about yourself?

 

Look at how you were raised. If submissiveness was familiar to you, then it's understandable that you'd want that for yourself.

 

Does submissiveness = love in your book?

[scorpio971]

Who defined you as "perverted"?

 

It's all subjective. What do YOU believe about yourself?

 

Look at how you were raised. If submissiveness was familiar to you, then it's understandable that you'd want that for yourself.

 

Does submissiveness = love in your book?

 

For most of the people submissivnes equals perversion but cannot blame them...when you google up submissive & dominant, only fetish sites come up, none lifestyle related, just commercial BDSM.

 

No, I can't say I was raised that way, it is just something within me,,,where it came from, I don't know...

 

And yes, it does equal love, adoration, worship...

[thatone]

you are in for a lifetime of misery, my friend. show a woman submission today and she will be abusing you tomorrow.

[scorpio971]

you are in for a lifetime of misery, my friend. show a woman submission today and she will be abusing you tomorrow.

 

 

Thx for the advice...but I'll never know if I never try it, will I?

[TrueColors]

No, I can't say I was raised that way, it is just something within me,,,where it came from, I don't know...

 

And yes, it does equal love, adoration, worship...

 

Maybe YOU weren't raised that way, but look around you: perhaps you witnessed it growing up: could be your parent's / relatives / friends' relationships.

 

 

you are in for a lifetime of misery, my friend. show a woman submission today and she will be abusing you tomorrow.

 

I would tend to agree with this - up to a point.

 

OP, do you require the same from your partner? Or do you prefer that they are the ones in control; domineering; make all the decisions and are demanding?

 

I think, depending on whether or not you want your partner to reciprocate and be able to show their own submission to you, this will determine whether or not yours is a healthy, balanced view of a relationship.

 

Without knowing the above, your description of love and relationships so far sounds unbalanced and therefore, not a healthy view.

 

Submission to most "regular" folk (for lack of a better term) = doormat behaviour. And yes, could leave you open to abuse.

 

Submissives also tend to be "martyrs": The "I'll-do-anything-and-everything-for-you-in-return-for-love" types. They also tend to lack boundaries: prepared to accept any kind of behaviour from their partner (whether "right" or "wrong").

 

Does this describe you?

Edited November 10, 2011 by TrueColors

[scorpio971]

Maybe YOU weren't raised that way, but look around you: perhaps you witnessed it growing up: could be your parent's / relatives / friends' relationships.

 

 

 

 

I would tend to agree with this - up to a point.

 

OP, do you require the same from your partner? Or do you prefer that they are the ones in control; domineering; make all the decisions and are demanding?

 

I think, depending on whether or not you want your partner to reciprocate and be able to show their own submission to you, this will determine whether or not yours is a healthy, balanced view of a relationship.

 

Without knowing the above, your description of love and relationships so far sounds unbalanced and therefore, not a healthy view.

 

Submission to most "regular" folk (for lack of a better term) = doormat behaviour. And yes, could leave you open to abuse.

 

Submissives also tend to be "martyrs": The "I'll-do-anything-and-everything-for-you-in-return-for-love" types. They also tend to lack boundaries: prepared to accept any kind of behaviour from their partner (whether "right" or "wrong").

 

Does this describe you?

 

 

I do not desire the same from my partner, just the oposite.

I also do not think that such a relationship has to end up with abuse.

Being submissive is the way I function best but this does not mean that I am not intelligent enoguh not to let anyone abuse me or treat me as a doormat. I never said I am limitless. I suppose there are people that wish to be abused, exploited, become doormats...not me.

There are communities for such and for whip yielding sadistic dominatrixes...but this is not it.

If I was a martyr, I would probably already be in a abusive relationship.

Perhaps I should have started my first post with "being submissive in an equal relationship"...which by itself sound contradictory, but doesn't have to be.

One example from my last relationship of this kind which ended in a very unfortunate way (but that's an issue for a different type of discussion)...

Me and my partner, which ever life's issue we had to deal with, would talk about...talk about options, exchanging suggestions, but agrred beforehand that the final decision was hers. In many occassions, she would decide as per my suggestion.

Could she have made a mistake? Of course, we are all human...

Practicly all the time I felt like a true submissive and not once felt abused.

[TrueColors]

I do not desire the same from my partner, just the oposite.

I also do not think that such a relationship has to end up with abuse.

Being submissive is the way I function best but this does not mean that I am not intelligent enoguh not to let anyone abuse me or treat me as a doormat. I never said I am limitless. I suppose there are people that wish to be abused, exploited, become doormats...not me.

There are communities for such and for whip yielding sadistic dominatrixes...but this is not it.

If I was a martyr, I would probably already be in a abusive relationship.

Perhaps I should have started my first post with "being submissive in an equal relationship"...which by itself sound contradictory, but doesn't have to be.

One example from my last relationship of this kind which ended in a very unfortunate way (but that's an issue for a different type of discussion)...

Me and my partner, which ever life's issue we had to deal with, would talk about...talk about options, exchanging suggestions, but agrred beforehand that the final decision was hers. In many occassions, she would decide as per my suggestion.

Could she have made a mistake? Of course, we are all human...

Practicly all the time I felt like a true submissive and not once felt abused.

The example you have given above, where you and your partner had discussed an issue and you let her have the final say (is that regardless of if you agreed to it or not?) I would not define as being "submissive".

 

Referring back to your OP, it sounds more like you are a "caretaker": you like to "look after" your partners by pampering and providing support.

 

I feel like this is a very subjective discussion, whereby terms such as "abuse" and "submissiveness" are open for definition. Also, abuse can be very subtle. And what can be described as "abusive" to one person, might not necessarily be perceived that way by another.

Furthermore, I would argue that intelligence has nothing to do with the types of relationships one chooses (unless you meant emotional intelligence).

 

(For the record, I'm not talking about S&M or "dominatrix" relationships either. Neither am I talking about physical or mental abuse, such as name-calling, hitting or the like.)

 

By submissive, do you mean "passive"?

And how exactly do you define an "equal relationship" (by your standards)?

 

I realise I may be being pedantic here, but I need to make sure that I'm understanding you correctly.

 

I would say that if both you and your partners have discussed this issue and are both consenting to how the roles are defined within the relationship, then that is all that matters.

 

If this is and always has been the case then I do not understand what the point of the thread is? Are you venting that you can't find a suitable partner to fulfil your submissive desires?

Or that you are being (unfairly) judged for being "submissive"?

Edited November 10, 2011 by TrueColors

[piggyoink]

sounds like the gorean culture

[scorpio971]

sounds like the gorean culture

 

Gorean is mostly based on female submission and is also with a lot drama and ceremony, so no...

[lostcharm]

I don't get how that makes you a pervert?

 

What the hell is wrong with being a perv anyway

[scorpio971]

The example you have given above, where you and your partner had discussed an issue and you let her have the final say (is that regardless of if you agreed to it or not?) I would not define as being "submissive".

 

Referring back to your OP, it sounds more like you are a "caretaker": you like to "look after" your partners by pampering and providing support.

 

I feel like this is a very subjective discussion, whereby terms such as "abuse" and "submissiveness" are open for definition. Also, abuse can be very subtle. And what can be described as "abusive" to one person, might not necessarily be perceived that way by another.

Furthermore, I would argue that intelligence has nothing to do with the types of relationships one chooses (unless you meant emotional intelligence).

 

(For the record, I'm not talking about S&M or "dominatrix" relationships either. Neither am I talking about physical or mental abuse, such as name-calling, hitting or the like.)

 

By submissive, do you mean "passive"?

And how exactly do you define an "equal relationship" (by your standards)?

 

I realise I may be being pedantic here, but I need to make sure that I'm understanding you correctly.

 

I would say that if both you and your partners have discussed this issue and are both consenting to how the roles are defined within the relationship, then that is all that matters.

 

If this is and always has been the case then I do not understand what the point of the thread is? Are you venting that you can't find a suitable partner to fulfil your submissive desires?

Or that you are being (unfairly) judged for being "submissive"?

 

Taking care of partners needs, desires, wishes should be the foundation of every relationship. So being a caretaker, I definately am. Being passive as part of being submissive, definately a part of it.

Every discussion is subjective so is this one too. Being required or ordered to bring flowers to your partner every day, some people would call abuse...becasue lets face it, not many people do it. By my standards it is not abuse.

In lieu with recognition of abuse, basic and emotional intelligence are connected, one can easily supress the other.

In a D/s relationship, equal relationship I define as one of utmost trust. Which means we both need to trust each other on consenual level.

It is about power ehxchange...My last partner and I, we knew exactly who we were and what we were looking for, when we met. Then it was just to agree up to which level one will give up control and the other take over.

It is ok to be pedantic, if you need to ask any specific questions to understand correctly, just go ahead.

 

Regarding S&M and "Dominatrix" relatioship...well lets face it, most of D/s relationships have such aspects, too. Again, consensualty and levels.

 

Regarding the thread, I most certanly wouldn't mind finding a person like my partner was...but primarly I posted this because of people judgmental views on the issue.

 

I'll give another example...on ocassions, my partner used to come home from work tired, angry, frustrated. For whatever reason or bunch of reasons. I remember once...she got molested at work by her boss, got wet in the rain and came home with a flat tire. She knew she had the "right" to take it out on me, getting verbal and / or phisical...I served her purpose and I was happy with it. Consensualitly again.

 

For me being submissive is to learn to anticipate my partners wishes, needs, desires...to listen and obey orders...to serve for certain purposes like the one I mentioned above. First part is much more difficult as it takes time....second is easier...third part is easier then the first one but on ocassions can be difficult, depending on the issue. But this exactly is the point of submissivnes, you need to do something or to put up with something that, in "vanilla" relationship you normally wouldn't. But still you do it becasue it makes your partner happy and that is where you find your gratification. I am quite aware it sounds weird to majority of people...

 

Also I wish to say that english is not my maternal language so whatever mistakes I am doing here, I apologize for it

[scorpio971]

I don't get how that makes you a pervert?

 

What the hell is wrong with being a perv anyway

 

Well thank you

That's really rare...

 

I don't feel like one anyway...

[TrueColors]

Taking care of partners needs, desires, wishes should be the foundation of every relationship. So being a caretaker, I definately am. Being passive as part of being submissive, definately a part of it.

Every discussion is subjective so is this one too. Being required or ordered to bring flowers to your partner every day, some people would call abuse...becasue lets face it, not many people do it. By my standards it is not abuse.

In lieu with recognition of abuse, basic and emotional intelligence are connected, one can easily supress the other.

In a D/s relationship, equal relationship I define as one of utmost trust. Which means we both need to trust each other on consenual level.

It is about power ehxchange...My last partner and I, we knew exactly who we were and what we were looking for, when we met. Then it was just to agree up to which level one will give up control and the other take over.

It is ok to be pedantic, if you need to ask any specific questions to understand correctly, just go ahead.

 

Regarding S&M and "Dominatrix" relatioship...well lets face it, most of D/s relationships have such aspects, too. Again, consensualty and levels.

 

Regarding the thread, I most certanly wouldn't mind finding a person like my partner was...but primarly I posted this because of people judgmental views on the issue.

 

I'll give another example...on ocassions, my partner used to come home from work tired, angry, frustrated. For whatever reason or bunch of reasons. I remember once...she got molested at work by her boss, got wet in the rain and came home with a flat tire. She knew she had the "right" to take it out on me, getting verbal and / or phisical...I served her purpose and I was happy with it. Consensualitly again.

 

For me being submissive is to learn to anticipate my partners wishes, needs, desires...to listen and obey orders...to serve for certain purposes like the one I mentioned above. First part is much more difficult as it takes time....second is easier...third part is easier then the first one but on ocassions can be difficult, depending on the issue. But this exactly is the point of submissivnes, you need to do something or to put up with something that, in "vanilla" relationship you normally wouldn't. But still you do it becasue it makes your partner happy and that is where you find your gratification. I am quite aware it sounds weird to majority of people...

 

Also I wish to say that english is not my maternal language so whatever mistakes I am doing here, I apologize for it

 

I guess I am finding it hard to understand because, as much as I was raised as a woman who was "taught" that a man's needs comes first, I have also come to believe that relationships should be of equal measure, that is BOTH partners give and take 100%. Not either partner's needs/desires is more important than the other's.

 

However, after having examined my own relationships I have realised that I have tended to take a more "dominant" stance, whereby I've prided myself on getting my partners to "prove" how much they cared for me. I now know that this was mainly to do with a lack of belief in myself and low self-esteem - so I would essentially get the man to "prove" my worthiness.

 

Do you think this may be the case for your partners'?

 

I would also ask, what about YOU?

What happens when YOU are angry, frustrated, sad, lonely, excited, whatever? As the "submisive" are you allowed to share these feelings with your partner?

 

It just sounds to me that you are your partner's servant. I'm just curious as to why this would equate "equality" by your relationship standards and how one can be happy with this arrangement?

 

Or is it like the film "Secretary", the relationship between Lee and Edward?

Edited November 13, 2011 by TrueColors

[scorpio971]

I guess I am finding it hard to understand because, as much as I was raised as a woman who was "taught" that a man's needs comes first, I have also come to believe that relationships should be of equal measure, that is BOTH partners give and take 100%. Not either partner's needs/desires is more important than the other's.

 

However, after having examined my own relationships I have realised that I have tended to take a more "dominant" stance, whereby I've prided myself on getting my partners to "prove" how much they cared for me. I now know that this was mainly to do with a lack of belief in myself and low self-esteem - so I would essentially get the man to "prove" my worthiness.

 

Do you think this may be the case for your partners'?

 

I would also ask, what about YOU?

What happens when YOU are angry, frustrated, sad, lonely, excited, whatever? As the "submisive" are you allowed to share these feelings with your partner?

 

It just sounds to me that you are your partner's servant. I'm just curious as to why this would equate "equality" by your relationship standards and how one can be happy with this arrangement?

 

Or is it like the film "Secretary", the relationship between Lee and Edward?

 

I suppose that, being raised one way or another, probably influences a lot what you become as a grown up in any aspect of ones life.

However in my case, it has nothing to do with how I feel. I was not raised to place my needs first or vice versa. Still, influenced by the whole society in general, men usually get the "right picture"...them being the dominant side in any relationship.

I can understand how low self-esteem can be the source for someone to act more dominant / agressive, thus indirectly force the partner to find ways to boost that low self-esteem you are talking about. I cannot say for sure whether it was or not the case with my partner also, but I doubt it. My partner was a very confident person.

Well, another part of being submissive as I am, is to be someone's servant and I know that sounds quite tough. My partner likes to be served, I like to serve...we are both happy and satisfied, and although it may seem illogical, on those levels we are equal regardless to the fact that we are not. Or better yet, we are equaly content.

How this equals "equality"? For a dominant, being so equals being happy...the same goes for a submissive.

If you have two dominant personalities as well as two "passive", they are most likely to collide all the time and have problems. Two completely equals would probably be able to make it just fine but I figure such is very hard to find. One being dominant and enjoying the role, the other being submissive and enjoying the role too...very likely to succeed, as per

my experiences

What happens when I am angry, sad, lonely, etc...? I'll give another example...

Yes I was allowed to share such feelings, but again it is all matter of agreement as most / all other things are in such relationship.

Sometimes, if I felt that way...exhausted, angry, frustrated, I'd share it. I was not some gagged slave. Depending on the mood my partner was in, she'd gladly listen and discuss it with me...or, she'd just say "I am not in the mood for that right now, remind me tomorrow and we will talk"...sometimes, she'd also say that she is really not interested in my

problems and tell me to deal with them the best I knew how. Many options...and all ok with me.

So within this aspect or any other aspect in such relationship, the degree of submission & dominance is matter of consent. Many examples to this but I also wish to say that, at least in our case, as the time went by my submission was deepening and her dominance increasing...by a rather slow rate.

 

 

I have to say that I never saw that movie...

Edited November 14, 2011 by scorpio971

[scorpio971]

I guess I am finding it hard to understand because, as much as I was raised as a woman who was "taught" that a man's needs comes first, I have also come to believe that relationships should be of equal measure, that is BOTH partners give and take 100%. Not either partner's needs/desires is more important than the other's.

 

 

 

Yes and this is no different, both partners actually give 100%. It is just valued differently, especially by "vanilla" world.

It is a mistake to think that subs desires and needs are not important and met within this type of relatiosnhip. If sub needs to be subdued, then that is it...being so his needs are fulfilled 100%

 

In a relationship in which one is truly submissive or dominant and the other just goes along and takes the "other" role and doesn't enjoy it...well, such relationship will most certanly fail, sooner or later.

Beacuse so, perhaps these relationship are more vunerable then the vanilla ones.

[TrueColors]

I cannot say for sure whether it was or not the case with my partner also, but I doubt it. My partner was a very confident person.

 

Perhaps she was confident because she was the one in control?

 

Would you say you are completely comfortable being a submissive? Is this something that you openly describe yourself as (for example, with close friends)?

 

Or better yet, we are equaly content.

 

Yes, I would agree with this description.

 

What happens when I am angry, sad, lonely, etc...? I'll give another example...

Yes I was allowed to share such feelings, but again it is all matter of agreement as most / all other things are in such relationship.

 

Sometimes, if I felt that way...exhausted, angry, frustrated, I'd share it. I was not some gagged slave. Depending on the mood my partner was in, she'd gladly listen and discuss it with me...or, she'd just say "I am not in the mood for that right now, remind me tomorrow and we will talk"...sometimes, she'd also say that she is really not interested in my problems and tell me to deal with them the best I knew how. Many options...and all ok with me.

 

So if it were her, she would "let it all out" then and there?

 

Do you help solve her problems? Or are you there solely to listen to what she has to say?

 

How this equals "equality"? For a dominant, being so equals being happy...the same goes for a submissive.

If you have two dominant personalities as well as two "passive", they are most likely to collide all the time and have problems. Two completely equals would probably be able to make it just fine but I figure such is very hard to find. One being dominant and enjoying the role, the other being submissive and enjoying the role too...very likely to succeed, as per my experiences

 

Yes, logically this makes sense. However...

 

So within this aspect or any other aspect in such relationship, the degree of submission & dominance is matter of consent. Many examples to this but I also wish to say that, at least in our case, as the time went by my submission was deepening and her dominance increasing...by a rather slow rate.

 

...I was going to ask: what happens if one gets tired of being only dominant or only submissive? What would happen if the roles reversed, if only for a bit of a change?

 

I feel that what tends to happen in the majority of relationships is that there is a natural "ebb and flow", like the waves on a shore. Is that when you would both decide to end the relationship?

 

I have to say that I never saw that movie...

 

It happens to be one of my favorites. The 2 main characters have a dom/sub relationship. I think the film did a good job in portraying a tenderness between them - an understanding of how their relationship was going to be (initially, one of them resists, perhaps because he felt "perverted" too). I would recommend you watch it and post your thoughts here.

 

Yes and this is no different, both partners actually give 100%. It is just valued differently, especially by "vanilla" world.

It is a mistake to think that subs desires and needs are not important and met within this type of relatiosnhip. If sub needs to be subdued, then that is it...being so his needs are fulfilled 100%

 

In a relationship in which one is truly submissive or dominant and the other just goes along and takes the "other" role and doesn't enjoy it...well, such relationship will most certanly fail, sooner or later.

Beacuse so, perhaps these relationship are more vunerable then the vanilla ones.

 

Yes, I figured that as long as you and your partner are getting what you want out of the relationship, then this would define you both as being "equals", albeit in a slightly skewed way.

[scorpio971]

Perhaps she was confident because she was the one in control?

 

Would you say you are completely comfortable being a submissive? Is this something that you openly describe yourself as (for example, with close friends)?

 

 

 

Yes, I would agree with this description.

 

 

 

So if it were her, she would "let it all out" then and there?

 

Do you help solve her problems? Or are you there solely to listen to what she has to say?

 

 

 

Yes, logically this makes sense. However...

 

 

 

...I was going to ask: what happens if one gets tired of being only dominant or only submissive? What would happen if the roles reversed, if only for a bit of a change?

 

I feel that what tends to happen in the majority of relationships is that there is a natural "ebb and flow", like the waves on a shore. Is that when you would both decide to end the relationship?

 

 

 

It happens to be one of my favorites. The 2 main characters have a dom/sub relationship. I think the film did a good job in portraying a tenderness between them - an understanding of how their relationship was going to be (initially, one of them resists, perhaps because he felt "perverted" too). I would recommend you watch it and post your thoughts here.

 

 

 

Yes, I figured that as long as you and your partner are getting what you want out of the relationship, then this would define you both as being "equals", albeit in a slightly skewed way.

 

I'd rather say that she was in control because she was confident and strong.

 

Yes I am completely comfortable by being a submissive, up until now I never had any reasons to doubt it.

 

Regarding my frineds, no. People still have very closed minds regarding anything unconventional. Lets just say that, when they see me with my partner, they all think how big a gentleman I am.

 

Yes, if it were her, she'd let it all out then and there...or not, but that was up to her.

To listen definately, to help whenever she needed, wanted, ordered me to help.

 

However?

 

For both questions I cannot give you a strong answer because I don't know...I would need to make asumptions and I don't like doing that but, as I can say from my experience it was more like a tide, slowly taking over the shore inch by inch...

I never tried to reverse roles neither did she. Honestly, reversing the roles is something that would make me uncomfortable as it would seem unatural to me. I suppose it was the same with her.

Our relationship ended due to completely different and unfortuantely unavoidable reasons.

 

It may appear skewed but it actually is not looking at it from within.

[TrueColors]

I'd rather say that she was in control because she was confident and strong.

 

Yes I am completely comfortable by being a submissive, up until now I never had any reasons to doubt it.

 

Regarding my frineds, no. People still have very closed minds regarding anything unconventional. Lets just say that, when they see me with my partner, they all think how big a gentleman I am.

 

Yes, if it were her, she'd let it all out then and there...or not, but that was up to her.

To listen definately, to help whenever she needed, wanted, ordered me to help.

 

However?

 

For both questions I cannot give you a strong answer because I don't know...I would need to make asumptions and I don't like doing that but, as I can say from my experience it was more like a tide, slowly taking over the shore inch by inch...

I never tried to reverse roles neither did she. Honestly, reversing the roles is something that would make me uncomfortable as it would seem unatural to me. I suppose it was the same with her.

Our relationship ended due to completely different and unfortuantely unavoidable reasons.

 

It may appear skewed but it actually is not looking at it from within.

 

Well, I admire the conviction and sense of self you have.

 

How do you find your partners though? Must you advertise for one? Are they through specialist dating sites?

 

My whole point in asking what would happen if one didn't keep to their specified role was because, I feel, it is NATURAL to want to take it in turns. Variety, as they say, is the spice of life. (For clarification, I don't mean giving up your submissiveness altogether or for your partner to stop being demanding).

 

Just as a matter of curiousity, what is it about asking for what you want from your partner that makes you uncomfortable? How do you define your boundaries?

And is there anything that you would not be prepared to accept from your partner, eg. if she were to say to you "I want you to stop spoiling me and to look after your own interests for a while", how would you feel about that?

[scorpio971]

Well, I admire the conviction and sense of self you have.

 

How do you find your partners though? Must you advertise for one? Are they through specialist dating sites?

 

My whole point in asking what would happen if one didn't keep to their specified role was because, I feel, it is NATURAL to want to take it in turns. Variety, as they say, is the spice of life. (For clarification, I don't mean giving up your submissiveness altogether or for your partner to stop being demanding).

 

Just as a matter of curiousity, what is it about asking for what you want from your partner that makes you uncomfortable? How do you define your boundaries?

And is there anything that you would not be prepared to accept from your partner, eg. if she were to say to you "I want you to stop spoiling me and to look after your own interests for a while", how would you feel about that?

 

Well thank you.

I wouldn't say partners as I did not have so many of such kind...actually just one serious partner that wanted such a role, lifestyle defined. The rest was just a few but "bedroom play" strictly.

I do not advertise, I used to but I do not anymore and simply because I meet only "working girls" or gold diggers online. But there are such special dating sites, yes...like for example collarme.com...nothing's real there. My last partner I met on a dating site but a site with "vanilla" profiles. I don't know how really but we kind of just sensed each other. We did some chatting, exchanged photos and, after some time she said something like "you strike me as a quite passive guy". From that point forward we just knew...

In public is a bit tuogher, one cannot just approach someone in the cinema and ask to be their master or servant. For that, there are munches, clubs, etc...but I do not attend those ever.

Perhaps it is natrual to take turns but from the point of view from general, everyday, conventional people. No, in my relatiosnhip was natural not to take turns. Variety is the spice of life but there can be so many new things, variations and still not changing the roles.

The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is if I am in doubt that my partner might be faking it in order to maintain the relatiosnhip for some other reasons. However, it gets out at the open quite soon, as it is very difficult to just act either characters.

Boundaries you define by talking about them. In this type of relatioship cannot be much flexibility, it is more of a "take it or leave it" deal.

Both partners place their boundaries on the table at the very beggining and, if they can find themselves in between those, excellent. If not, it is usually the end of it before it starts.

But again, from my experience, boundaries are constatnly on a test and often easily moved or simply removed from the deal.

Yes, there is nothing I would not be prepared to accept, or better anything within those boundaries. I might not like it from time to time but that's the deal...I don't have to like it.

Well, about something like that, I'd probably feel just fine...still, as much as I would "take care of my own interests" it would be quite tough to supress the sub inside.

The actual worst type of torment a dom can do to a sub is to ignore him or to simply stop being the dom.

[TrueColors]

Well thank you.

I wouldn't say partners as I did not have so many of such kind...actually just one serious partner that wanted such a role, lifestyle defined. The rest was just a few but "bedroom play" strictly.

 

 

I do not advertise, I used to but I do not anymore and simply because I meet only "working girls" or gold diggers online. But there are such special dating sites, yes...like for example collarme.com...nothing's real there. My last partner I met on a dating site but a site with "vanilla" profiles. I don't know how really but we kind of just sensed each other. We did some chatting, exchanged photos and, after some time she said something like "you strike me as a quite passive guy". From that point forward we just knew...

 

In public is a bit tuogher, one cannot just approach someone in the cinema and ask to be their master or servant. For that, there are munches, clubs, etc...but I do not attend those ever.

 

Perhaps it is natrual to take turns but from the point of view from general, everyday, conventional people. No, in my relatiosnhip was natural not to take turns. Variety is the spice of life but there can be so many new things, variations and still not changing the roles.

 

The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is if I am in doubt that my partner might be faking it in order to maintain the relatiosnhip for some other reasons. However, it gets out at the open quite soon, as it is very difficult to just act either characters.

 

Boundaries you define by talking about them. In this type of relatioship cannot be much flexibility, it is more of a "take it or leave it" deal.

Both partners place their boundaries on the table at the very beggining and, if they can find themselves in between those, excellent. If not, it is usually the end of it before it starts.

 

But again, from my experience, boundaries are constatnly on a test and often easily moved or simply removed from the deal.

 

Yes, there is nothing I would not be prepared to accept, or better anything within those boundaries. I might not like it from time to time but that's the deal...I don't have to like it.

 

 

Could you define exactly what your boundaries are?

 

If these were to be "violated" in some way, as a sub, would you end the relationship or would you wait for your partner to say so?

 

By your very description, I would summise that it takes a LOT of self-awareness and reflection to be able to maintain a relationship on this kind of level, for both the dom and the sub.

 

As you have pointed out, you cannot always be sure of the other person's motives. Do you question their ideas about love? Their hopes and expectations?

 

 

Well, about something like that, I'd probably feel just fine...still, as much as I would "take care of my own interests" it would be quite tough to supress the sub inside.

 

The actual worst type of torment a dom can do to a sub is to ignore him or to simply stop being the dom.

 

What other interests do you have, away from being in a relationship? Hobbies?

 

Would you say then that you derive your self-worth by being "needed" all the time?

 

How are your relationships with colleagues, friends and family? Are you passive with them also or more decisive?

[scorpio971]

Could you define exactly what your boundaries are?

 

If these were to be "violated" in some way, as a sub, would you end the relationship or would you wait for your partner to say so?

 

By your very description, I would summise that it takes a LOT of self-awareness and reflection to be able to maintain a relationship on this kind of level, for both the dom and the sub.

 

As you have pointed out, you cannot always be sure of the other person's motives. Do you question their ideas about love? Their hopes and expectations?

 

 

 

 

What other interests do you have, away from being in a relationship? Hobbies?

 

Would you say then that you derive your self-worth by being "needed" all the time?

 

How are your relationships with colleagues, friends and family? Are you passive with them also or more decisive?

 

 

Boundaries are matter of compatibility between two partners, it is a bit difficult to define them this way and just write them down, here.

But lets just say that one of them is any kind of public mistreatment. One other is anything that can be labeled as illegal.

That is more or less it, when it comes to boundaries about what two people would do together in between 4 walls, I am not comfortable to expose them here because I do not want to create any kind masturbatory pictures in this thread.

If you wish to know more and more in details, I'd be glad to answer anywhere pvt.

Boundaries cannot be violated but can be removed or tested. Regarding ending the relatiosnhip it all depends but I might end one if the other side persists on something unacceptable.

I don't think that this type of relatiosnhip requires any more self-awareness then usual, it just feels natural like any other relationship.

No one can always be sure about other people motives and it is in human nature to question them as well as emotions involved. But it doesn't have to take forever to fully relax and give up on doubts.

Hobbies? Sports, nature, sailing, long walks, friendship, theater...traveling

I am not sure I understand completely this question about self-worthiness...

My other relationships are lets say balanced, perhaps at work I have to be mnore agressive and decisive.

[TrueColors]

Boundaries are matter of compatibility between two partners, it is a bit difficult to define them this way and just write them down, here.

But lets just say that one of them is any kind of public mistreatment. One other is anything that can be labeled as illegal.

That is more or less it, when it comes to boundaries about what two people would do together in between 4 walls, I am not comfortable to expose them here because I do not want to create any kind masturbatory pictures in this thread.

If you wish to know more and more in details, I'd be glad to answer anywhere pvt.

Boundaries cannot be violated but can be removed or tested. Regarding ending the relatiosnhip it all depends but I might end one if the other side persists on something unacceptable.

 

Interesting response.

 

I just want to clarify that for me, "boundaries" are defined as what exactly you are prepared to put up with in a relationship (yes, what is "acceptable" and "unacceptable" to you). This is directly related to what you value in a relationship.

 

So, for example, I am learning to value:

Mutual respect;

Mutual communication;

Mutual honesty (including that of yourself)

Mutual care;

Mutual trust;

Mutual love;

 

In your previous posts, you mentioned that with your ex-partner, you both communicated your roles and your expectations quite clearly. This to me shows that you do foster the above as some of your own values too (or am I being presumptuous here?)

 

So, yes, I would agree that compatibility is based on a shared values system which would help in defining the boundaries between what is acceptable or not in the relationship.

 

However, I am a bit confused as to your definition of boundaries within the context of a dom/sub relationship. The above wording that you have used implies a sexual undertone. From my POV, I am not talking about sexual practices (which, of course, I believe should be consensual and yes, that is a private matter best discussed between you and your partner), but the "core" qualities that would make a relationship compatible (as described in my list above).

 

I don't think that this type of relatiosnhip requires any more self-awareness then usual, it just feels natural like any other relationship.

 

The reason I brought up self-awareness, is because I believe that the more one questions their own motives about why things are, the better able they are to understand their choices, even if they are happy with them (as you seem to be)

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but what you seem to be implying here is that "things just are. This is just the way I am".

 

Whilst I feel it is healthy to sometimes just accept things as "normal", do you ever wonder how or why you came to be submissive in the context of a relationship?

 

 

No one can always be sure about other people motives and it is in human nature to question them as well as emotions involved. But it doesn't have to take forever to fully relax and give up on doubts.

 

Absolutely.

 

This brings to mind the quote "love as if you've never had your heart broken" - the same could be said for "trust".

 

All one can ever really do is be 100% responsible for their own feelings and actions and to be honest with themselves and their partner.

 

Hobbies? Sports, nature, sailing, long walks, friendship, theater...traveling

I am not sure I understand completely this question about self-worthiness...

My other relationships are lets say balanced, perhaps at work I have to be mnore agressive and decisive.

 

Good mix of interests!

 

And you actually answered what I was going to ask you next about "balance" in other environments of your life. What's it like having to be "more aggressive and decisive" in other relationships? Is this something that you feel equally comfortable with? Or is it something you've had to work at (as it may not be "in your nature")?

 

Regarding "self-worth": you mentioned that one of the worst things a dom could do was to not be dom towards you anymore, why would that be considered horrible to you? Is this something you would take personally?

[scorpio971]

Interesting response.

 

I just want to clarify that for me, "boundaries" are defined as what exactly you are prepared to put up with in a relationship (yes, what is "acceptable" and "unacceptable" to you). This is directly related to what you value in a relationship.

 

So, for example, I am learning to value:

Mutual respect;

Mutual communication;

Mutual honesty (including that of yourself)

Mutual care;

Mutual trust;

Mutual love;

 

In your previous posts, you mentioned that with your ex-partner, you both communicated your roles and your expectations quite clearly. This to me shows that you do foster the above as some of your own values too (or am I being presumptuous here?)

 

So, yes, I would agree that compatibility is based on a shared values system which would help in defining the boundaries between what is acceptable or not in the relationship.

 

However, I am a bit confused as to your definition of boundaries within the context of a dom/sub relationship. The above wording that you have used implies a sexual undertone. From my POV, I am not talking about sexual practices (which, of course, I believe should be consensual and yes, that is a private matter best discussed between you and your partner), but the "core" qualities that would make a relationship compatible (as described in my list above).

 

 

 

The reason I brought up self-awareness, is because I believe that the more one questions their own motives about why things are, the better able they are to understand their choices, even if they are happy with them (as you seem to be)

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but what you seem to be implying here is that "things just are. This is just the way I am".

 

Whilst I feel it is healthy to sometimes just accept things as "normal", do you ever wonder how or why you came to be submissive in the context of a relationship?

 

 

 

 

Absolutely.

 

This brings to mind the quote "love as if you've never had your heart broken" - the same could be said for "trust".

 

All one can ever really do is be 100% responsible for their own feelings and actions and to be honest with themselves and their partner.

 

 

 

Good mix of interests!

 

And you actually answered what I was going to ask you next about "balance" in other environments of your life. What's it like having to be "more aggressive and decisive" in other relationships? Is this something that you feel equally comfortable with? Or is it something you've had to work at (as it may not be "in your nature")?

 

Regarding "self-worth": you mentioned that one of the worst things a dom could do was to not be dom towards you anymore, why would that be considered horrible to you? Is this something you would take personally?

 

Yes, I know what boundaries are...but most of it is from the "vanilla" aspect of viewing things. Which means that for some putting up with, for others is not.

Everyone values things such as these you named here...

Mutual respect; - A sub respects the Dome for being a good Dome and vice versa

Mutual communication; - No relationship can succeede without communication but in the D/s type of relationship it is normal that communication is on Doms terms.

Mutual honesty (including that of yourself) - of course it works best if both people involved are honest and there is no reason not to be...practicly it is easier to be honest in a D/s relatonship as expectations are very well defined which often is not the case in vanilla ones.

Mutual care; - I wrote about care before, more precisely about caring for each others needs which is the same.

Mutual trust; - If there is mutual honesty, the result is mutual trust.

Mutual love; - There are different types of love, in this situation the Dom should be able to love the sub at least for what the sub is and vice versa especially.

 

No, you are not being presumptious...those are values all should cherish, me included.

There is no difference in respecting, loving, caring for, being honest with...any kind of partner you have, Doms - subs included.

If we are talking about my boundaries as a sub, they are defined as any other person's boundaries. For example I could be exposed to something in between 4 walls which I would not find abusive but in public I would.

I did wonder about how I became submissive but I do not have an answer to it. I also questioned it if I was really so on couple of ocassiones...and realized that I function that way best and feel happiest. Simple...

To be more agressive and decisive in other areas of my life is ok, normal and simple...and I do not have to try hard

I'd take it as a punishment perhaps...if a husband doesn't treat his wife as a woman, it is about the same feeling.

[scorpio971]

Don't worry, you just have to find the right woman for you.

Just keep looking and don't loose hope.

 

:) Thank you Edna....

I am optimistic person by nature so I am not...loosing hope...