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Dating older guys??? 10 years older than me. Is this normal, is it ok?

In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 31st August 2003, 11:01 PM   #1
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Dating older guys???

I am a 20 year old female college student, i turn 21 in several months. I have always been told that I am pretty mature for my age. I have always looked older than I really am, and I tend to hang out with an older crowd. I have always dated guys several years older than me...not saying that it makes them mature, by all means, but ....
I was in a relationship for 2 years and just recently broke up...he was 1 year older than me and acted like 5 years younger than me. I am sick of immature guys. Here is my question...I met a wonderful guy. He is very handsome, tall, seems very nice and polite. He is also 30 years old. 10 years older than me. Is this normal, is it ok? He does not look "old"(not that 30 is old, by all means!!!) and he seems very fun to be around. Guys who are around 30+, would you date a woman who was 10 years younger than you? what would be some things that would hold you back? Would you feel intimidated or turned off, or does it strictly make no difference her age? Should I pursue him? Thanks!
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Old 31st August 2003, 11:05 PM   #2
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It's normal. I was recently in a relationship with essentially the same age difference. It worked out great for a while. In fact, I've never actually dated anyone older than 21. As long as his age doesn't bother you, what difference does it make anyway? Hell, I'm almost 30 but most of the time I still feel like I'm 20, which I suppose is a good thing
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Old 1st September 2003, 12:00 AM   #3
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I am 22 and my boyfriend is 34! He asked me out for a year before I said yes ( I was nervous about age to) But I am really glad I went We've been togeather 8 months and this is the best relationship I have ever been in. I am mature for my age and he's a little immature for his, but he doesn't play games, he has his sh** togeather, and treats me like a queen.

I guess it depends on what your looking for sometimes it's nice dating older men because they have more experience in relationships and in their thirties are more likley to want to settle down than men in their early twenties.
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Old 1st September 2003, 12:20 AM   #4 Alumni
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As Long as She and I Could Bridge The Age Gap

I definitely would date a younger woman than myself, BUT, she and I would really need to "click".

Things I would be considering (no particular order):

Do we have...
1. Similar family backgrounds?
(At least to a certain extent, anyways. Seldom do two people of VASTLY different family experiences growing up have the common base needed to form a solid "union.")

2. Similar career goals?
(I wouldn't want a younger woman who had any interest in being a trophy. I would want a woman to be driven to succeed in a field of endeavor she loves.)

3. Similar abilities to communicate?

4. Similar personalities?
(This idea ties in rather well with #3, but both partners would have to be willing to grow as people, and learn from each other, etc.)

5. Similar desires for family?
(I want kids, and I don't know if I could ever be with someone who didn't. Of course, the timeframe would definitely be something both would need to work out)

6. Similar views on child rearing.
(I can't see anything but chaos arising out of completely disparate viewpoints on raising kids, no matter what the partners ages might be).

Some problems that could occur:

1. Different aged peer groups (can lead to problems with finding common ground socially).

2. Different aged partners might have same problem as above in #1.

3. Comments of the public/friends: The old "cradle robber" idea for him, and the "sugar daddy" idea for you.

4. Energy/vitality levels for the older person could be an issue if he can't "keep up" with you now, or especially in future. Being with even a little more weary older partner could become a drag in later years especially.

5. Different life experiences leading to problems raising family?
(Younger adults today appear to have a wide variation in ideas on family, and taken along with the fact that how a family is being defined is changing daily, this could be an issue.)

6. Cohort cultural effects
(Will you both like to listen to some music from both "age groups'" experiences, involve yourselves in activities you both like, and the like)

7. Life experience may lead to the old "I know this from experience" comment being made by him. -or- the "You don't understand the way it is today, things are a lot different than when you were a teenager." comment from you. Those types of perspectives will wear you both down a bit, after a while.

I know I've missed things, and some things are positive and negative at the same time. Nonetheless, when it comes to people, everyone is different, and maturity is very much on a sliding scale. If and when you find that person with whom you share that special bond/rapport, age (up to a reasonable and appropriate limit) often becomes a secondary thing.

Older men falling for younger women and vice versa, is not all about sex, as some would have you believe. I should know. I fell for a much younger woman whom I just felt that special feeling for, a woman that I could discuss and talk about anything with. We could laugh together, chat together, etc., and I never ever saw her merely as a piece of "young meat" I could eventually get with. Yes, I admit that I was attracted to her physically as well. HOWEVER, it went SO MUCH deeper than me just being attracted to her body...I was attracted to her spirit.

I don't mourn the lack of a sexual relationship with her quarter as much as I mourn the lack of that intellectual and emotional closeness that we had.

Perhaps I'm just strange.

All I would suggest is that you both take PLENTY of time getting to know each other, and finding out what you are both all about, and want from life. Don't rush, but don't be afraid of getting into a relationship that, if it is for the right reasons, could turn out to be the most wonderful part of your lives.

Let us know how things progress. I know I'm interested in the outcome.

The problem with being brutally honest in communicating with other people, is that it often ends up creating more brutality than honesty in communications.
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Old 2nd September 2003, 8:08 PM   #5
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When I was 19, I started dating a man who was ten years my senior. We dated for two years, and it was wonderful. He was intelligent and funny and caring. But he was feeling the tick-tock of time, ready to settle down. I said I wanted to finish college and possibly grad school before getting married. He said he wasn't willing to wait. He really wanted to get married and start raising a family. Long story short, we broke up. I was really devastated. But, later, I came to appreciate his honesty and wisdom in seeing that we were on two different tracks in life. He just recently got married to someone who has similar life objectives. Soo....if you think you'd like to have a relationship with this older guy, just realize that the same might be true for the two of you. Like Curt said, evaluate your goals, dreams, and values up front. It'll save you some heartache down the road!

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Old 1st March 2004, 10:44 PM   #6
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Do it. I'm 30, my girl is 23. best relationship we both have ever had. DO IT!
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Old 1st March 2004, 11:22 PM   #7
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HA! They've had time to date and break up several times by now.
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Old 1st March 2004, 11:33 PM   #8
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I'm with Curt. Age is irrelevant......there are so many other more important factors to consider.

Personally, a man of ANY legal age can buy me beer.....therefore a candidate for a mutually fulfilling date.

So...I'm shallow.....
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Old 2nd March 2004, 2:05 PM   #9
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Older Men

I doubt that Arabess is all that shallow.......

but I am seeing a woman 12 yrs younger than me. She tells me she wanted someone who was steady and didn't turn her life upside down every other day like the younger "party boys" often do. Young women often need a "project" guy to save from himself and his obviously may have outgrown that need, although you may still have some "nesting" tendencies one day.

Trust is earned....but give the guy a fair chance. Follow your heart and not what's trendy (or not) with society and friends.
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Old 2nd March 2004, 8:35 PM   #10
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I dated a guy 21 years older than me for about two years.

Yeah, I know. That's a big spread.

But we just loved each other so much. We had so much fun together. And when you really decide to committ to being together, you forget the age difference. We used to joke about it. It was meaningless. We even talked about marriage, briefly.

The things that broke us up had nothing to do with him being older. In fact, I thought he acted WAY YOUNGER than his actual age.

He was a wonderful person who had a problem with alcohol...which he wouldn't address. After two years, I knew I had to move on or risk being dragged into a very unhealthy place.

If he didn't have the alcohol issue, we might still be together

You love who you love. Doesn't matter what package they come in
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Old 10th March 2004, 7:43 AM   #11
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I'm 23, he is 31, we've been together for 3 years.
And i like mature man like him, so do what you want to do.
You guys will figure things out if something happen.
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Old 7th April 2004, 11:42 PM   #12
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I always tend to date older men. In fact, I don't think that I've seriously dated anyone who wasn't at least fifteen years older. I have not noticed a problem with the age gap. I find that older men are more intuned to the needs of a women, more appreciative, financially secure, and have had many years of experience to learn the art of sex. I say go for it. There's an old saying that, "It's better to be an old man's princess, than a yound man's slave." I find this to be very true.
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Old 20th April 2004, 2:19 PM   #13
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Cool still undecided....oh well.

My boyfriend.( well, we've been dating for 3 months now....and we pretty much act that way) anyway, he's 33 yrs old and I'm 21.
Not only is he 12 yrs older, he has two kids who live with their mother. We look at it as a good thing because Im still in college and soo not ready to have children....and he isnt in a hurry for more either.

He's mature in that he's ready to settle down, is financially stable, he wants the same things i do in life, etc.
But hes not "old" hehe! we listen to the same music, I hang out with him and his friends...we re together almost everyday, oh! and he can "keep up" with me.

Everything's wonderful except that when he hangs out with he's kids once a week ( two boys) I'm automatically out of the picture, or when he's mother comes over I have to stay away. Now, I look at this from two viewpoints:

1) he doesnt think i'd want to hang out with his kids, in which case i suppose we'd have to talk about that eventually.
2)he doesnt want to get he's mom involved in our relationship just yet...which doesnt make sense because I met his parents before I met him and they were actually the ones who "hooked" us up for a sort of blind date.


1)He doesnt want his kids to know about me...perhaps hes even ashamed to be with me.( because of the age thingy)
2) same as no.1; maybe he thinks i'm too young to be part of that aspect of his life- his family.

But hes a nice guy...and he is crazy about if the latter is the truth then i'm pretty sure we can work things out between the two of us. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY!

I say disregard the age difference...and focus on everything else.
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Old 20th April 2004, 2:33 PM   #14
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The age gap can have it's consequences.

Some of which can be: differences of opinions, experiences, goals and maturity.

This can be tricky at times, I'm not saying it's not possible for it to work but there are less chances that it can.

I'm' 35 now and I would of a difficult time thinking the same ways as I did when I was 19.
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Old 20th April 2004, 2:55 PM   #15
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I'm 35, my fiancee is 26.

Best relationship of my life. Looking forward to spending the rest of my life with her and raising a family.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it's tough. We've spent the last three years getting to know each other, how we interact, where are weaknesses are, where we compliment each other. All of the small subtle important things that make any relationship work. fiancee was 23 when I met her, and I was 32, so it's a little different as she was already done with grad school and had determined her career path and future goals, something I would think you still need to figure out.

But, if you like this guy, and it feels right...give it a shot, just understand that no relationship is easy, and that you may run into some challenges with the age difference that you will have to deal with. It's how you deal with these issues that determine the strength or weakness of the relationship.

Best of luck!
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