was accused of stalking

[griffinchicken53]

I imagine how i want things to be, and then don't know how to deal when it doesn't work that way. in high school, i guess i would sort of "fixate" on a girl, too shy to ask her out, so i'd just observe from afar. they'd have a boyfriend, or i'd go into panic mode that it is about to be winter break or summer break and would somehow get the answer i didn't want. don't think i wanted to date, just felt like it was what i was supposed to do. people would make "gay" jokes guess i went for the ones that would put me in a totally opposite light.

 

longer than i intended, just trying to paint a picture.

so i start this job. it was right after my only girlfriend. i had several friends that worked there, they had better hours, and hit it off with some women that worked there. I was interested in one and mentioned it to her friend (who was dating my friend) but nothing became of it. i tried to talk to her myself but other people found out i liked her and would always make fun of me, and i'd just have to leave the room. i tried to find a time to talk to her when the jackasses weren't around.

there was a party at her house and a bunch of work people were there, me included.

i was bothered, my friends had cool bosses, cool schedules, and met women to date there. i was jealous. they'd go to their house, not always going home to an empty house. so i'm getting off work one night, and i drive by her house, not to see if she's home, not to spy. just wanted to know what it would feel like to have a destination that didn't reflect on me being a loser and alone.

 

I don't remember the particulars but talking to a girl i knew that was her friend, and she went off on me saying i was stalking her and she was uncomfortable. i really didn't know i was coming off that way. i wrote a short apology letter basically saying "I AM SO SORRY....I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS, I WILL NEVER BOTHER YOU EVER AGAIN. i just wanted to clear stuff up and move on, forget the whole thing, never talk to her, even if it meant walking away if she came in the department.

Thought all was well and i got called in to the HR office. to me the letter was my taking care of the situation, but she reported me (i can understand that is what she felt she needed to do) don't remember what all was said just about they didn't have a problem with people in the workplace dating....yadayadayada. (funny cuz my supervisor was dating a team leader...and he was married) somehow i held my composure, but after the meeting i went to the bathroom and cried for about an hour.

 

i'll back up for a minute.

went out with a girl when i was 16, she broke it off. i had this gut feeling i'd never be with anyone. thought of ending my life, but i had this image in my head of my family finding me and i couldn't do that to them.

so after the girl i dated when i was 18, i told myself well if things aren't better, then 21 is a good cutoff time, i gave myself a deadline. i thought things were looking up, so yea after my birthday that happened, i wanted to go up to the roof and jump off. i'd rather hurt myself than hurt anyone else. but she (or the jackasses) wouldn't care about having to step over me laying on the sidewalk, but it would devastate my family and friends.

 

i think a part of me did die that day. i think that was the worst day of my life....well i've had another bad day but that is a health story. I don't think i've fully recovered. i constantly remember and don't forgive myself. i wonder if it went on my permanent record or if it has come up when applying for other jobs.

i pulled away from people after that. i had worked up confidence, i'd talk to people, i'd go out with groups from work and dance, drink, etc. i've never danced since then. this was about 10 years ago.

 

I don't see myself as a stalker, that was not my intention. i can understand how my behavior could be misunderstood. But if i were a good looking guy....i don't think it would have been an issue.

 

not sure if i'm looking for reassurance, wondering if something like this has happened with someone else. and sorry for the lengthy post.

[bhweller]

I understand man, and I feel your pain.

 

However, YOU ARE A STALKER.

 

Your whole problem is self deception, low self esteem, and fear of being alone. You are not a powerless victim.

[zhsoj]

bhweller, I don't think that helps... I think most people have had that desire at some point in their life. Most people I know are guilty of a little "stalking" as well. From what I've seen it usually comes about when communication/trust isn't healthy/out of balance. Interpersonal relationships get tricky when you start expecting things from people. I too think you are suffering from super low self-esteem. You do not sound like you are happy with yourself. You need to stop being so down on yourself. Don't let others get to you so much. And don't listen to people that are going to cast you as evil for minor indiscretions. Everyone makes mistakes. What defines us is what we learn from those mistakes.

 

I think you probably realize now that any sort of admission to her of "stalking" was a mistake. What you should have done was not acknowledge the accusation at all and completely distanced yourself from her. YOU know that you did something wrong. You know this because you felt guilty. Feeling guilty however means you have to work on yourself, not admit this guilty feeling to just anyone. Do so to the wrong person and they can easily blow it out of proportion. The last thing you want is legal trouble.

 

I'd really suggest that you consider seeing a counselor. Know that you are worth it to yourself and that finding the right person to talk this over with can really help. Find a professional that will help you talk about your mistake and what you can do to rectify it to yourself. How you can learn, grow, and move on. Work on your self-esteem and realize that in this world, all anyone truly ever has is themselves and that's okay.

[Nightsky]

She called you a stalker because you made her uncomfortable. You did the right thing by backing off. You can’t let something that happened so long ago define your life. I’ve been called nasty names by girls so I can relate. You seem depressed and for that you should look for a way to be happier.

[You'reasian]

I imagine how i want things to be, and then don't know how to deal when it doesn't work that way. in high school, i guess i would sort of "fixate" on a girl, too shy to ask her out, so i'd just observe from afar. they'd have a boyfriend, or i'd go into panic mode that it is about to be winter break or summer break and would somehow get the answer i didn't want. don't think i wanted to date, just felt like it was what i was supposed to do. people would make "gay" jokes guess i went for the ones that would put me in a totally opposite light.

 

longer than i intended, just trying to paint a picture.

so i start this job. it was right after my only girlfriend. i had several friends that worked there, they had better hours, and hit it off with some women that worked there. I was interested in one and mentioned it to her friend (who was dating my friend) but nothing became of it. i tried to talk to her myself but other people found out i liked her and would always make fun of me, and i'd just have to leave the room. i tried to find a time to talk to her when the jackasses weren't around.

there was a party at her house and a bunch of work people were there, me included.

i was bothered, my friends had cool bosses, cool schedules, and met women to date there. i was jealous. they'd go to their house, not always going home to an empty house. so i'm getting off work one night, and i drive by her house, not to see if she's home, not to spy. just wanted to know what it would feel like to have a destination that didn't reflect on me being a loser and alone.

 

I don't remember the particulars but talking to a girl i knew that was her friend, and she went off on me saying i was stalking her and she was uncomfortable. i really didn't know i was coming off that way. i wrote a short apology letter basically saying "I AM SO SORRY....I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS, I WILL NEVER BOTHER YOU EVER AGAIN. i just wanted to clear stuff up and move on, forget the whole thing, never talk to her, even if it meant walking away if she came in the department.

Thought all was well and i got called in to the HR office. to me the letter was my taking care of the situation, but she reported me (i can understand that is what she felt she needed to do) don't remember what all was said just about they didn't have a problem with people in the workplace dating....yadayadayada. (funny cuz my supervisor was dating a team leader...and he was married) somehow i held my composure, but after the meeting i went to the bathroom and cried for about an hour.

 

i'll back up for a minute.

went out with a girl when i was 16, she broke it off. i had this gut feeling i'd never be with anyone. thought of ending my life, but i had this image in my head of my family finding me and i couldn't do that to them.

so after the girl i dated when i was 18, i told myself well if things aren't better, then 21 is a good cutoff time, i gave myself a deadline. i thought things were looking up, so yea after my birthday that happened, i wanted to go up to the roof and jump off. i'd rather hurt myself than hurt anyone else. but she (or the jackasses) wouldn't care about having to step over me laying on the sidewalk, but it would devastate my family and friends.

 

i think a part of me did die that day. i think that was the worst day of my life....well i've had another bad day but that is a health story. I don't think i've fully recovered. i constantly remember and don't forgive myself. i wonder if it went on my permanent record or if it has come up when applying for other jobs.

i pulled away from people after that. i had worked up confidence, i'd talk to people, i'd go out with groups from work and dance, drink, etc. i've never danced since then. this was about 10 years ago.

 

I don't see myself as a stalker, that was not my intention. i can understand how my behavior could be misunderstood. But if i were a good looking guy....i don't think it would have been an issue.

 

not sure if i'm looking for reassurance, wondering if something like this has happened with someone else. and sorry for the lengthy post.

 

Get the courage to get up and go out. Some people will think you're good looking, others might not - that's how most of us rate. I'm certainly not good looking, but I've got a grrreat personality

 

Dancing is a great thing - especially if you know how or if you just feel like it. Go do it again.

 

A buddy of mine whose probably as ugly as I am is a great dancer and the woman flock over him. No I'm not talking about shaking a leg or grinding, this guy can do every step - and he connects well with really intelligent, beautful women on the dance floor. Lucky guy!

 

You can be too.

[griffinchicken53]

I understand man, and I feel your pain.

 

However, YOU ARE A STALKER.

 

Your whole problem is self deception, low self esteem, and fear of being alone. You are not a powerless victim.

 

so am i officially branded for the rest of my life?

[D-Lish]

so am i officially branded for the rest of my life?

 

Only if you embrace it and allow that to happen.

 

We've all done stupid things, but those stupid things don't have to define us.

 

I think you have to let it go, and most importantly forgive yourself already. It happened a long time ago. You didn't intend to harm her- you had a super big crush on a girl and drove past her place- it's not like you broke into her house and stole her underwear.

 

When I was younger I did some silly things in the name of love- I think most of us have. You certainly learned from it- now you need to stop punishing yourself.

[Cora]

If it makes you feel any better, I am guilty of driving by a guys house. I almost got caught too. That taught me to never do it again lol. Seriously though, let it go and forget about it. It's in the past and you've learned from it. This does not make you a bad person and you should not allow it to affect you for the rest of your life.

[Eclypse]

I dunno, call me weird or something, but driving past someones house (and once only for that matter it seems) I don't think it justifies them practically crucifying you!!! I wouldn't even say it is overly stalkerish. People have done much much much worse!

[bhweller]

driving past someones house is stalking to determine where they are.

 

don't encourage him. do you want him to get better or worse ?

 

he needs to understand what he is doing and stop, or else this whole thread is a total waste.

[griffinchicken53]

driving past someones house is stalking to determine where they are.

 

don't encourage him. do you want him to get better or worse ?

 

he needs to understand what he is doing and stop, or else this whole thread is a total waste.

 

i didn't give a rat's ass where she was, not reason i drove by.

i now know what is wrong. there is a line in being interested in someone and being a bit obsessive over it. i stay as far away from that line as i can.

PAST TENSE. what i did. and i didn't do it again after that. this is something that happened 10 years ago...

just because i thought of killing myself doesn't mean i like being looked at like i should be taken behind a barn and shot, that the world is better off without me.

 

i've gotten on the defensive, i apologize. i did something wrong, but i don't feel i should be grouped with someone who sat outside their house for hours, followed the person everywhere they went, stole their garbage, called their phone and hung up thousands of times. i see this as a gray area. Let's be honest, if i looked like Brad Pitt, I highly doubt there would have been an issue.

 

i haven't tried to get a date a few years after, but my past come up to haunt me...she heard about it and basically said don't talk to her again (and i didn't)

but it has been 10 years? i want to find someone, maybe i am just supposed to be alone.

[bhweller]

Its no skin off my nose man, its your life, just trying to help you get a grip before something bad happens.

[griffinchicken53]

sometimes it is about brutal honesty.

I do worry, that maybe the behavior is still there, but haven't had any women to pursue. i've liked a few, you can read some of my other posts and see that i liked someone and they stopped talking to me. i never over-called, tried to find out where she lived, etc. I have self control, maybe that is what i learned out of the past situation.

[griffinchicken53]

i guess what is bothering me/ what caused this to resurface to the point i felt the need to talk about it.....

i started that other job, my friends helped me, they had the cool shift, met people to date there.....

fast forward to this year, a friend worked at this place for a few months, got me a job there. not long after she started she met a guy that works there and they are in a serious relationship, she has the cool shift, i'm stuck with a not so good shift working with a bunch of guys....so feels like history is repeating itself.