Ignored Me

[FURBA]

Hello..I have a question..This guy I like and I have been just friends for a few months now..We've only been in contact through MSN Messenger even though we have each other's phone numbers, we don't phone one another. Just this pass Friday night we were both online at the same time and, for the first time, I told him to call me since we were both staying in for the night (I took a more aggressive approach). He did and we ended up talking for almost 4 hours. I thought the conversation went good, we talked about work, friends, life, etc..nothing flirtatious, just friendly conversation. He sounded like he was a bit nervous on the phone, I could sort of tell from his voice.

I really enjoyed talking to him and I think I'd like to get to know him better. The only thing is that last night I was again on Messenger and he signed on and signed off a minute later, not saying anything to me..I got the impression he didn't feel like talking to me. I know that I shouldn't be looking at this so closely but yet I feel like if he had an interest in me as more than a casual buddy, and was thinking about me at all over the weekend, then he would have sent me an IM when he saw I was online. Could this mean that he "had enough" from our conversation on the phone so long that he doesn't feel like talking to me again for a little while. Could I have overdid it by staying on the phone so long with this guy? I know myself and if I liked someone then I would have sent the person a message..maybe thats just me, I don't know..anybody have any thoughts?

[Tony T]

As a practical matter, it's never good to have extremely lengthy conversations with someone you are just starting to become interested in. You can burn things out real fast. In four hours on the phone, he could learn more about you than in 25 dates. A lot of people don't get past the third date so you're pretty lucky there.

 

Don't try to analyze so much why he didn't IM you. First, he was'nt obligated to. Second, most people who have lives don't turn on their computer to talk to people...but rather to get things done. Frankly, it pisses the hell out of me when I sign on my computer just to get my mail and somebody immediately IMs me to talk crap. He probably just went online to see if he had any email.

 

Though it's very tempting to have long conversations with somebody you are interested in, it will pay big romantic dividends to always leave them wanting more. End the conversation when things are going really well. In the beginning, keep your phone calls to 15 or 20 minutes...even less.

 

If I talk to somebody on the telephone for four hours, I won't want to talk to them for quite a while...even if I totally enjoyed the conversation. I would have my full of them and want to be away for a while until the demand for their voice and company rekindled.

 

If you want to be successful in romance, remember the golden rule....always leave them wanting more. Give too much of yourself away too soon and their thirst will be quenched and they'll go find someone who can keep their interest up longer.

[Furba]

Ohhh you're so right..I knew I overdid it. Its just that that was our first conversation on the phone, even though we've known each other for a few months now. I've been feeling like this isn't going to go anywhere. But you know what, I've noticed that when I disappear for a few days, don't sign on to messenger and generally don't contact him, he seems to want to talk to me more. That night we were both online and I got frustrated and said "Call me right now I want to tell you a story"..I've never been that upfront with a guy and now that I think back, maybe I shouldn't have "ordered" him to call me that way but rather waited for him to initiate the call (if and when he ever decided to).

 

I tend to think guys who like girls show it, but he just seems mixed--one minute it seems like he might like me and the next he's just aloof. I know the guys who have liked me in the past have been very obvious about it. Thats why I wonder about this guy.

 

Tony, if you're still around, can you answer this..should I

 

a) tells this guy how I feel and risk rejection

 

or

 

b) ignore him, try to make him chase me and want me--taking the chance that he won't and getting my answers that way?

 

I really hate playing games but...last question, would he have stayed on the phone that long if he had no interest on his side?

[Tony T]

1. "a) tells this guy how I feel and risk rejection.."

 

Hell, no. How can you even know how you feel? You really don't know this guy all that well. Until you've dated somebody for a while, keep that kind of stuff to yourself. The absolute surest way to screw up a potential good thing is to spill your feelings too soon.

 

2. "or b) ignore him, try to make him chase me and want me--taking the chance that he won't and getting my answers that way?"

 

This is a much better option, although I wouldn't totally ignore him....Here, read what you wrote about his own behavior, in your own words...behavior that's got you bubbling over with interest:

 

YOUR WORDS: "he just seems mixed--one minute it seems like he might like me and the next he's just aloof."

 

You see what he's going...he's keeping you guessing. And that's exactly what you should be doing. If you tell him what you're feeling, his interest will go right down the tubes. Because he is keeping you guessing, he's driving you wild....so do the same thing to him.

 

3. "I really hate playing games but...last question, would he have stayed on the phone that long if he had no interest on his side?"

 

No, I'm sure he was enjoying the conversation. However, if I stay at the table and enjoy a great meal and leave stuffed it's not likely that I'll be back for another meal anytime soon...even though my meal was wonderful.

 

As far as game playing, that's all life is...a game. And we all lose in the end. But while we're in the game, we should work to make it the best and the most fun for all!!!