fear of rejection

[jr61]

please help me, females say im very actractive, i have communication skills but something inside of me is keeping me from making the first move even though i see the attractive girl staring back, i need help i want to date. how to help me lose the fear, how do i walk up to a ladie i dont know, im really desperate.

[amerikajin]

please help me, females say im very actractive, i have communication skills but something inside of me is keeping me from making the first move even though i see the attractive girl staring back, i need help i want to date. how to help me lose the fear, how do i walk up to a ladie i dont know, im really desperate.

 

I think the thing you have to do is change your mindset, and then you have to go out and just practice.

 

Dating is a skill. Some people are naturals at it, while others, like myself, have had to work at it, and it's still very much a work in progress for me. I have become much more confident about myself over the last 3 years since I decided one day that I didn't know ***** about how to attract the opposite sex, and that the previous encounters of mine were all just me being a little lucky on some occasions.

 

I think you just have to go out and try your hand at dating. I think it's important to know what your goals are, to know what kind of woman you want and what kind of relationship you want. Obviously, attraction is important - don't kid yourself and pretend it's not. But attraction is more than just physical, you have to connect with someone mentally as well.

 

The way I'd do it is to lower the stakes. Don't ask girls out on 'dates' straight away - that's way too much build-up, too much anticipation and pressure. It's important to strike a good balance in dating: keep it light, casual and conversational in the beginning and get to know her better, but at the same time, be clear about what you want. Keep it casual, but make it clear that you are looking for something more down the road, if you two click.

 

Good first dates are things like coffee dates or just casual get-togethers like a night out at a bar and grill or something like it. Maybe an activity during a Saturday afternoon or something like that would work also. Take the pressure off early and let it go from there. But consistently work your way up and go only in one direction.

 

That's my system. Maybe with practice and experience you'll develop your own.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, go find a bar that you and a couple of buddies feel comfortable in. Now force yourself to chat with one girl the first night. The second night, talk to two girls and on and on. If they pass you their numbers, you can decide if you want to call them or not. Don't ask them for their numbers.

 

As the previous poster mentioned, relax, just enjoy talking to them.

[amerikajin]

Yes, go find a bar that you and a couple of buddies feel comfortable in. Now force yourself to chat with one girl the first night. The second night, talk to two girls and on and on. If they pass you their numbers, you can decide if you want to call them or not. Don't ask them for their numbers.

 

As the previous poster mentioned, relax, just enjoy talking to them.

 

Different strokes, different folks. I never had much success in bars, but others totally get off on the bar scene. I've always sensed in bars that a lot of woman are flat-out uncomfortable in bars and I end up getting either bytch-shielded or cock-blocked by one of her friends - usually an ugly one who's bent that she's not getting picked up - so much that I just got tired of dealing with the whole scene.

 

If you want to pick up strangers, the best ways to do it are through friends or through doing activities that don't make picking up so obvious. Maybe something like a wine-tasting event or some other special events that can bring people are similar minds closer together. Much easier to relate to someone if you have something in common.

 

And the other thing is, definitely be assertive and ask for the phone number if you sense there is interest on her part; chances are, even if she's interested she will not be the one to ask for your number.

[Trialbyfire]

I'll agree with you about the bar scene to an extent but the OP mentioned that he hates to make the first move. At bars, girls are there to have a good time. If he approaches them with no expectations except to chat with them, why not? Also, girls seem to hand out their numbers quite often at bars, not that they're necessarily serious about the guy. They just think he's cute. I would think a few numbers after he gets going would be a good way to make him a little more confident about asking a girl out.

 

And no, I don't do that. It's not the way I prefer to get to know a guy. I prefer to get to know them for quite awhile previous to even agreeing to date them.

[daphne]

JR,

 

There's another way to learn how to approach women that is a lot easier and more natural. you have to develop your social skills to the point where you can talk to anyone anywhere. In line at the store, on an elevator, anywhere where people are. The more you do it, the more confident you are in social interaction. Then you apply it to women. Learning how to joke about a situation or talk to someone casually is a lot easier than trying to pick them up. If you can learn how to talk to women, it takes a lot of pressure off from having to pull tricks.

[Yamaha]

Rejection is just another word for being shy. You have to tell yourself you will do this and follow through. I would start by being social with strangers. If you go to a store or a mall where there are people, be friendly. Smile and say hello. Make yourself seem friendly and confident and people will respond to you. The more you do this the easier it will become.

[loggrad98]

To me the key was to STOP wanting to DATE and START wanting to just get to know people in general. I had the most luck talking to women in any way when they were part of a group and I inserted myself in the group. My wife and I met this way.

 

Incidentally, I was terrified of rejection (having had a few nasty rejections in high school that ended making karate and basektball much more appealing than risking rejection from a girl again). I stopped worrying about finding a "date" and started just wanting to get to know people. Funny thing was, I did a few group dates, just as part of the group, and met some really great women this way, yet in the end just about the only woman I ever really "dated" was my wife...and that has worked for 15 years.

 

I am not advocating "only date the woman you intend to marry", that is just how it worked out for me. I am saying that you seem reasonably intelligent, you say you have decent communication skills and women think you are attractive. That sounds like a good package, but you need to switch from "how can I get a date" to "how can I meet and get to know interesting people"....the latter will lead to the former, and be a lot less pressure for you...it will also let you use the skill you are comfortable with - communication - and your intelligence and good looks to get noticed. Bottom line, though, is just have fun. If it is not fun, it is not worth it. If you can approach things this way you will also find that you will be more interesting to them because they see you are confident in speaking with "people", which is going to be much more attractive to the opposite sex than if you have a great "system". Genuine interest in other people makes one interesting to others. Don't fake it, just go out and meet people...women, men, groups of friends and acquaintances. Try to meet a couple of new people each week and develop your interest in them. Do more listening than talking, don't worry about lines, just build on common beliefs and interests and go from there.

 

One of my best friends met his wife at the library. She was frustrated with the computer she was trying to use as he was walking by. He had been watching her, wondering how to approach her when she hit the monitor and yelled in frustration. He simply walked over and offered to help. Then they talked about computers (he loves them, she hates them) and this commonality lead to their first "date", which was meeting the next Saturday so he could help her with a school paper she was doing...on the computer!

 

There, I think that is enough "quotes" for one reply. =)

 

My 2 cents.

[Almost]

please help me, females say im very actractive, i have communication skills but something inside of me is keeping me from making the first move even though i see the attractive girl staring back, i need help i want to date. how to help me lose the fear, how do i walk up to a ladie i dont know, im really desperate.

 

I don't know dude, I'm in the same boat you are in.

 

Although lately I think I'm getting better at it. You just have to not care and just flirt, tell a woman you think she is attractive if you think so, compliment her if you notice something, etc.

 

I used to think that the last thing I wanted to do was let a woman know I was attracted to her, but it seems like this isn't the case, and if you like someone you should let them know it. Just talk and get to know each other, and joke and flirt around a little. Don't just ask a girl out right off the bat, without having at least a brief conversation with her first. Don't try to script out what you are going to say, you have to go with the flow and have a normal, easygoing conversation.