Rejecting marriage proposals

[soberminded]

I especially need a woman's point of view on this: Why would a woman take it personally and get upset to the point of not wanting anything else to do with me if she proposes to me and I politely reject her proposal by saying no?? Just a little scenario here.

[magichands]

Why would a woman take it personally

Maybe you should have made it clear that you were rejecting womankind in general.

 

Does she love you? And do you love her? I guess you're more likely in deep like?

 

Oh sorry - I've just noticed - it's a scenario. I hate hypotheticals.

[kulyok]

Normally "Yes" to a marriage proposal is "Yes, I want to spend my entire life with YOU", and "No" is "No, I do not want to spend my entire life with YOU."

 

Nothing personal.

[Walk]

The above poster said it well.

 

If all you said was no. Then why would a woman stay with someone who doesn't want her as anything more than a toy?

 

Now if you'd said something like..I do want to, but I'd like to wait a year before we get engaged. Or something to say that although you aren't ready right that moment to tie the knot, you do see a long wonderful future together...

 

If all you said was No. hahah That's about harsh man.

 

Her: "Will you spend the rest of my life with me and love me?"

 

You: "Heck NO."......... "Why doesn't she call me anymore?"

[Guest]

I especially need a woman's point of view on this: Why would a woman take it personally and get upset to the point of not wanting anything else to do with me if she proposes to me and I politely reject her proposal by saying no?? Just a little scenario here.

 

Well since you were polite about it I don't know. Could be because you didn't want her? All I can say is at least you were honest and didn't lead her on. If she can't take the truth then so long - you didn't want her anyway.

[soberminded]

Is it a general rule that a woman will not want to remain friends with her ex boyfriend if she broke up with him because he refused to commit or because he rejected her marriage proposal?

 

How many of you women out there have remained friends with an ex who is an ex only because he would not commit? How many of you women went into NC for a period of time and then became friends again with your ex?

 

These questions apply to those of you who were in a relationship where everything else was great except the ex would not commit. He didn't cheat nor was he abusive nor was he a drug addict or a deadbeat.

 

For those of you who have decided not to remain friends with an ex who would not commit why not? It's been my experience that the women who broke up with me because I wouldn't commit didn't want to remain friends.

[Outcast]

If you plan to never get committed, then don't treat women like girlfriends. Don't pay for all the dates, buy them gifts, or call all the time. And keep your mitts off. That way, you won't confuse them.

 

Most people want more from life than just to go out with someone forever. If you don't see yourself ever wanting to marry or live with someone, then you need to be honest about that up front and throughout the relationship. And no, most women who thought they were your gfs and thought your lives were going to be connected will be ticked when you bail on committing and will pass on you as a future companion.

[SarahRose]

No, I wouldn't want to be friends or anything. The reason, probably because if you are with someone a long time and thinking it is leading to marriage when really the guy is just biding his time until something better comes along. It is insulting.

[jerbear]

This is coming from a guy who has asked a few women in my life.

 

After getting rejected, I have walked away from them. It is as though the feelings just died and did a 180 turn. Fitting my personality, I just lost interests after getting rejected. Why boost their ego when you know they have reservations and won't share them with you. Why waste time on someone who does not share the same thoughts.

 

There are times the chase is just not worth it and it is best to give up.

 

Once the cat is out of the bag, there is no going back.

[bella_girl]

For those of you who have decided not to remain friends with an ex who would not commit why not? It's been my experience that the women who broke up with me because I wouldn't commit didn't want to remain friends.

 

because I love him and want to be with him as a partner not as a friend. Because I find the friends thing extrememly difficult - I don't want to know about any new girls he is seeing and support him through other possible relationships give him advice if it's me that wants to be with him.

 

Currently its NC so I can't tell you if we'll become friends in the future but I doubt it.

[norajane]

I don't see the point of trying to stay friends after a go/no go decision has been made. If you date in the hopes of meeting a life partner and learn that the person you're dating isn't interested in being your life partner, then hanging around and being friends is counterproductive since very deep feelings were involved.

 

It's all or nothing at that point.

[soberminded]

I remember trying to negoitate with one of my ex girlfriends who ended it because I wasn't ready to get married. I asked her if we could at least remain friends and she said she didn't think so. I haven't heard from her in 1 year so I don't think she wants anything more to do with me. I feel like she's treating me like a criminal.

[Outcast]

I bet you're not exactly a ball of joy when you're rejected...

[HeartSprinkles]

I remember trying to negoitate with one of my ex girlfriends who ended it because I wasn't ready to get married. I asked her if we could at least remain friends and she said she didn't think so. I haven't heard from her in 1 year so I don't think she wants anything more to do with me. I feel like she's treating me like a criminal.

 

She has moved on with her life...you should too!

 

Rejection is a b*tch!

[Pink Amulet]

Awww- how long were you dating the woman you said no to?

[Walk]

I remember trying to negoitate with one of my ex girlfriends who ended it because I wasn't ready to get married. I asked her if we could at least remain friends and she said she didn't think so. I haven't heard from her in 1 year so I don't think she wants anything more to do with me. I feel like she's treating me like a criminal.

 

I can understand how you would feel hurt that these women are "abandoning" you after you have given them an honest answer to their question. However.. they aren't treating you "like a criminal". They haven't taken away your freedom, they've given you the ultimate freedom in your life. They haven't told you what you can or can't do.. they've placed all decisions that relate to your life in your very capable hands. I find it ironic that you would choose that specific phrase to describe the feeling you get when these women walk out of your life.

 

It makes me think that what you wanted was control over everything that's in your life. And don't take this as a negative. I'm not using"control" in the negative sense, but in the ability to make decisions that affect your life. Most people want some control over everything in their life. I want to control who my bf does/does not have sex with. It's not an evil thing.. just a fact of life. But we have to be aware of it in order to make the best decisions for ourselves and those in our lives.

 

And mostly, your choice of wording leads me to believe that what you wanted was control over both of your futures. Together. And that is what is causing you to be so unhappy and confused. You wanted to decide the relationship on your terms.. and found that you didn't have that decision. Then found that the women took away all of your decision concerning them and the relationship.

 

I don't think you wanted the relationship to end. You didn't want to feel controlled, which may be why you don't want marriage, and yet you end up feeling controlled (or feel you lack control) because in the end these women made decisions that affected the rest of your life without allowing you any say in it.

 

I just want to state.. I'm not judging. I think it's fairly normal for people to have expectations of control over their life. However, we all have to accept the fact that we have no control over any one else in our lives. The only person we have any say over is ourselves. We can grant others control over us if we choose though.

 

If you wanted to keep those women in your life, then you had to choose to give up a portion of your control over yourself. You chose not to. Which is fine. But understand that because you chose not to extend to her a portion of the decision making, then she chose to keep all of her control to herself. You either share, or you get none over the other person. You don't all, and she gets none. So she chose to keep all of her control and give you none.

 

Again.. this isn't right or wrong, black or white.. I'm just trying to shed some light on why these women may have behaved the way they have. I'm hoping it will help you in future relationships, and in dealing with the pain from past relationships. I didn't say this to critize or judge you... I'm not casting stones.

[soberminded]

I can understand how you would feel hurt that these women are "abandoning" you after you have given them an honest answer to their question. However.. they aren't treating you "like a criminal". They haven't taken away your freedom, they've given you the ultimate freedom in your life. They haven't told you what you can or can't do.. they've placed all decisions that relate to your life in your very capable hands. I find it ironic that you would choose that specific phrase to describe the feeling you get when these women walk out of your life.

 

It makes me think that what you wanted was control over everything that's in your life. And don't take this as a negative. I'm not using"control" in the negative sense, but in the ability to make decisions that affect your life. Most people want some control over everything in their life. I want to control who my bf does/does not have sex with. It's not an evil thing.. just a fact of life. But we have to be aware of it in order to make the best decisions for ourselves and those in our lives.

 

And mostly, your choice of wording leads me to believe that what you wanted was control over both of your futures. Together. And that is what is causing you to be so unhappy and confused. You wanted to decide the relationship on your terms.. and found that you didn't have that decision. Then found that the women took away all of your decision concerning them and the relationship.

 

I don't think you wanted the relationship to end. You didn't want to feel controlled, which may be why you don't want marriage, and yet you end up feeling controlled (or feel you lack control) because in the end these women made decisions that affected the rest of your life without allowing you any say in it.

 

I just want to state.. I'm not judging. I think it's fairly normal for people to have expectations of control over their life. However, we all have to accept the fact that we have no control over any one else in our lives. The only person we have any say over is ourselves. We can grant others control over us if we choose though.

 

If you wanted to keep those women in your life, then you had to choose to give up a portion of your control over yourself. You chose not to. Which is fine. But understand that because you chose not to extend to her a portion of the decision making, then she chose to keep all of her control to herself. You either share, or you get none over the other person. You don't all, and she gets none. So she chose to keep all of her control and give you none.

 

Again.. this isn't right or wrong, black or white.. I'm just trying to shed some light on why these women may have behaved the way they have. I'm hoping it will help you in future relationships, and in dealing with the pain from past relationships. I didn't say this to critize or judge you... I'm not casting stones.

 

 

The reason I said I felt like I was being treated like a crimminal is because she requested that I don't call her anymore. I would have understood her request if I abused her in some way or committed some type of criminal offense against her. Last time I checked it's not against the law to reject someone's marriage proposal.

[Outcast]

No, but it hurts. And you calling her would be rubbing salt in the wound. I must say that you're showing remarkably little empathy here. Rather than understand how she might be feeling unhappy, you're in a snit because she is no longer welcoming her with open arms. It was unreasonable in the first place to think that she would, given your rejection.

[RecordProducer]

I especially need a woman's point of view on this: Why would a woman take it personally and get upset to the point of not wanting anything else to do with me if she proposes to me and I politely reject her proposal by saying no?? Just a little scenario here.

He is asking WHY!

 

yeah, really, why? No reason at all...

[soberminded]

But again I tried to negoitiate to see if we could at least be friends if she no longer wanted to continue the relationship. So I do have some empathy. I try to negoitiate when there's a problem.

[Walk]

You are completely lacking any compassion or empathy for that woman!

 

It's simple... You rejected her. She is hurt. Talking to you keeps the pain alive. She no longer wants to feel pain. She shuts you out. Effectively shuts out the pain.

 

You've never really loved a person have you?

 

If you just offered your most valuable gift to someone, and they took it and crushed it beneath their shoe... would you want to stay friends with that person?

 

What if you tried giving your gf something you felt extremely strongly about, and after you handed it to you, she grabbed a steak knife and drove it into your testicles.. would you still want to be friends with her?

 

That's basically what you did to these women.

 

If you answered yes, you would still want to be close friends.. then by all means, feel hurt that they dont' want to talk to you. Just chalk it up as the price you will have to pay for being unable/unwilling to commit to marriage.

[Walk]

But again I tried to negoitiate to see if we could at least be friends if she no longer wanted to continue the relationship. So I do have some empathy. I try to negoitiate when there's a problem.

 

That's not empathy. Empathy is being able to feel what the other person is feeling. To understand the feelings they have.

 

Empathy: Ability to imagine oneself in another's place and understand the other's feelings, desires, ideas, and actions.

 

Plus, you aren't negotiating. That implies you have to give up something, in return for something you want. What did you give up that is of any value to her? All you are doing is attempting to get what you want, without giving anything. You want, you want, you want... what does she get? The honor of your presence? Probably not gonna be good enough.... Not to rain on your parade, but unless you're brad pitt, I doubt it would mean much to her after you kicked her in the proverbial nuts.

[SarahRose]

Walk, what an excellent way of putting it and I have to agree.

 

It seems that a lot of the dragging feet about marriage really comes down to selfishness and control. They aren't going to give up anything but expect everything in return.

 

It amazes me how many guys make an excuse of not wanting to get married or some excuse and they think that because that is their position on it, that is the end of it and they go on about their lives as usual expecting the relationship to be the same. They seem to forget that she still has a choice in the matter and she can choose to refuse to go along with it.

 

Seems OP is just mad cause things didn't go his way. He wanted the relationship on his terms.

[soberminded]

At least I was honest about my intentions. I didn't lead her on. Nobody is commending me for my honesty. I was willing to settle for friendship since she didn't want to continue the relationship. But she didn't even want to do that. Friendship would have been 2nd best for me.

 

Bascially any woman who proposes to me is like sticking a gun to my head and threatening to shoot me if I give the wrong answer.

[blind_otter]

The reason I said I felt like I was being treated like a crimminal is because she requested that I don't call her anymore. I would have understood her request if I abused her in some way or committed some type of criminal offense against her. Last time I checked it's not against the law to reject someone's marriage proposal.

 

Maybe she doesn't like you any more and doesn't want to be your friend. What's the big deal? It seems really odd to be so fixated on making someone be your friend.