lovecrazed22 Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 My sister is getting married in June 2007. She is 23 just graudated college and started her first "real" job. She has been engaged since August 2005. She has been with her SO for almost 2 years and they have lived together for about a year. I have always liked her SO. He seems like a nice, friendly funny guy and he is always doing sweet things for my sister. BUT all along I have noticed some read flags and I am concerned. My sister used to be very independent and responsible. Since moving in with SO (she used to have perfect credit- a great feat for a college student) she stopped paying on all her credit cards and now ALL of her credit accounts have been sent to collection agencies and she still refuses to pay. Her SO has a hard time keeping jobs. He has had more jobs in one year than I've had in my entire life. (8). He is not well educated so mostly he works labor jobs which I know sometimes have high turnover. My sister and her SO recently moved to another state specifically for a new job for the SO. My sister found a job in the same area. The SO did not pass all the tests for the new job (policeman) so he just gave up instead of trying again and took a labor job. But he did not even look for a job until six months after relocating. My sister had to pay ALL of their bills and was barely making it. She kept calling my parents and I to beg for money because SO wasn't working (or attempting to find a job) Her SO is a big guy. Not my sister's usual type. My sister is a petite girl (5ft 5 about 120 lbs.) Well in the last year she has gained about 40 lbs!! She never had a problem with her weight before. Her SO claims she is perfect (another reason I like him) but I recently found out that he has been making mean comments about her weight. (Compared to him she is still tiny and not overweight at all) but he seems to enjoy making comments about how large her behind is and things of that nature. Since she has been dating SO she started taking medication for depression. She has been on it for over a year and she says it just makes her feel numb. She says she needs the medication to deal with SO. WHen she is not taking it she fights with SO all the time. She did not immediately tell her family about their engagement. She told me she did this because she didn't think she would stay engaged for long because SO did so much to get on her nerves that she figured she would break it off soon. Another red flag is her SO does not seem to want her around her family. He came to visit with her for thanksgiving but guilted her into staying wtih him for christmas. She finally came to visit us (its a four hour drive) the week after christmas but only stayed two days becasue her SO was begging her to come back to him because he didn't want to be alone. Her SO expects sex from her ALL the time. he has a much higher sex drive than she does (especially when she is taking birth control AND depression medication (both lower your sex drive) and he will try to goad her into having sex by threatening her that he can find it elsewhere and that his ex girlfreinds were all nymphos and that there is something wrong with her. Her SO's longest relationship before my sister was four months! My sister has always had long term relationships (her last was four years) Her SO's last relationship before my sister was a married woman that he had an affair with. Her SO expects her to cook, clean, and even get his clothes out for him. Even though she works full time and he wasn't working at all for a while. So besides the fact that my sister's behavior has changed since she met her SO. My thoughts are that all of her friends are getting married so she wants to do the same. She does say that there is a good side to SO but it is hard for me to see it. Are all of these behaviors red flags? Link to post Share on other sites
slinkysu Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 i'd definitely say so but unfortunately people in love are often the last to see the signs that someone isn't good for them. Can you perhaps take your sister on vacation for a week or so, just the two of you, and not pressurise her but see if she enjoys the time away to reflect. Don't bring up the SO and don't bring up the concerns or tell her you think she should leave him etc, let her open up to you and just enjoy the time together. Without the pressure or feeling the need to defend her SO she may bring up the topic and you can go from there. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 it sounds like she's either given up or is afraid to walk away. Somehow, you're going to need to get her away from him and stage an intervention in which you point out all those changes you've noticed in her and how it isn't healthy. My guess is that he needs her to have a life, so he monopolizes her time, and he also resents her for being such an important part of his life. All of this is heading up to an abusive situation, in my opinion, because the red flags are there (possessiveness, making her feel worthless, isolatiing her from her family and friends, etc.). Plainly said, she is not in a healthy or safe relationship with this guy, and she needs to get out. but, love being love, that's easier said than done, because I imagine she feels sorry or responsible for him, and will not give up on their relationship because she doesn't have it in her heart to "hurt" him that way. love shouldn't have to hurt, physically or emotionally ... Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Inertia is a bad thing. If she's depressed and 'numb', all the work of ending a relationship, moving, etc. must look insurmountable to her. Might as well just stay. I think, too, when people get totally wrapped up in their own misery, they lose sight of the fact that relationships are not supposed to be that way. I agree that if you can get her away, you should try. And if she mentions anything about how unpleasant it is to be with the guy, offer to help her any way she needs if she wants to get out. And remind her however you can that relationships are not supposed to be so bad that you have to drug yourself to stay in one!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted July 30, 2006 Share Posted July 30, 2006 Your sisters guy is sending BIG red flags ! He is trying to control her , keep her from the family. He is going to drain her dry and the physical abuse is going to be next. He has already isolated her and she is down on herself so his next move is to start hurting her physically when she steps out of line,. Forget the counseling. Get your sister out of there and Pronto !. If you doubt any of what I have to say just look up Domestic Emotional Abuse or call a battered shelter and have them describe the steps this potential batterer will take. He feels low because he can't hold work. He wants her to mama him. I fear the day she gets sick of him and tries to leave. Get HER help. Link to post Share on other sites
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