shadow_box Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 i am hoping someone can give me some advice because i felel like i am losing my mind! My fiance is deployed and is coming home on leave. We have been toying with the idea of eloping while he is home. We have had a lot of discussion, the pros and cons about it, so we are taking the decision seriously. But as of our last emails, it seemed we were both supportive of it. Now, I get an email this morning from him that he was feeling guilty about not including his father in our marriage and that he had emailed his brother to ask how his dad would feel about us eloping. Ok, is anyone besides me seeing a problem here? I am not upset that he felt guilly about not having his dad there, although my fiance is over 40 and this is his first marriage so i guess i am having trouble believing that 100%, but what i am really upset about is that he asked his brothers advice about our personal decision and now the elopement is off. no discussion. just off. I am ok about the elopement being off but i am really hurt by the fact that he went outside of our relationship to get advice from his brother. Are all of our married desicions going to be affected by his brother? We were planning on getting married before he was deployed, but his brother advised him against it, he said, oh if you two can get through this deployment, you can get through anything and poof, our wedding was off after he spoke with this brother. Please let me know if i am overreacting! i feel like a ton of bricks hit me and i feel very alone right now. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 Sorry but you need to chill out some. If you are going to get this upset over something like this then the marriage is doomed. He is his brother, not a stranger! I'm sure those two are very close and he just wanted his opinion. I do that with my brothers. Even at my brother's wedding I asked him if he really wanted to go through with this and felt that this was wrong. She treated him awful. They got married but now divorced. I'm sure he doesn't let his brother make his decisions. He can make his own. Your fiance felt it was better until after deployment to get married. He's 40 yrs old and not married yet. For him to be marrying you should say alot. If you push him on this I can guarantee you that he's not going to want to marry you. If he doesn't want to elope ask him why. If he mentions because he wants his family there, then accept that. There is nothing wrong with it (IMO). Once you are married you are both going to still be making your own decisions. He is still his own person. Marriage is not ownership. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadow_box Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 it does help, i am overly stressed out due to other things going on and am prone to overreact. His brother is his best friend so i guess it does make sense that he would go to him if he had doubts about eloping. Link to post Share on other sites
submart Posted January 13, 2006 Share Posted January 13, 2006 I agree that you may be making something bigger out of this situation. Marriage is a HUGE decision, and it takes much thought. It's normal for married couples to seek advice from family and friends about decisions. His brother may be one of his greatest pals, and he may want to plan a wedding with a reception . This way you both can invite some loved ones to share your special day. May I ask how long you two have been dating/engaged? Also how old are you and have you ever been married? Your man may not want to rush things, and wants to be able to relax and enjoy the moment (and many days after) that you two become husband and wife. Just my 2 cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadow_box Posted January 13, 2006 Author Share Posted January 13, 2006 first off, thank you all for the advice, it helps. this would be my first marriage and i hate to blame my parents, but i have never seen a good marriage so i really don't know what to expect or what i am doing for that matter! we have been engaged for a year and I am 31 years old... Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted January 14, 2006 Share Posted January 14, 2006 he wanted his brothers advise. that doesnt mean that he doesnt love you, and it doesnt mean he loves you any less. some families are very close, even brothers. he knew his brother would give an objectionable opinion without getting upset in the same way that you would. perhaps his brother told him that it would be so nice to see you guys have a storybook wedding, who knows. talk to him some more about it, ask him if you should start planning a bigger wedding and looking for good deals. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shadow_box Posted January 14, 2006 Author Share Posted January 14, 2006 actually his brother said eloping would be totally fine with him, but that their dad might feel hurt not to be invited to a wedding. my fiance wants to have a small wedding, immediate family and some friends, after he gets home from deployment. i am sure that could be nice too. i am not a center of attention person, so i guess i am a little intimited by being a "bride" Link to post Share on other sites
submart Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 Don't hesitate to talk to your guy about your concerns or things your uncomfortable about in a gentle manner. You should feel proud he wants his dad to see the day he takes you as his wife. Cheers to you!! Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted January 15, 2006 Share Posted January 15, 2006 ok then, a small wedding you CAN do! check out wedding sites like theknot.com and ebay even for good deals, even your local dollar stores. walmart even does nice wedding cakes these days. i got my dress on sale at davids bridal for $99 we are having a luau themed reception ourselves just keep things light and airy and have fun with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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