so__confused Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 I'm finally ready to pop the big question to my girlfriend. She's everything I've ever wanted and a lot more and I'm nuts about her. Thing is, I just can't work out if I'm meant to ask her folks. She's 30, educated, independent and earns more than I do. She's also a proud feminist, although a somewhat conservative one in some senses (very much the formal equality type). She's a black belt martial artist and has been in the armed forces and she really hates anything partonising, such as men standing up for her on trains. She's close to her mom, less so to her dad, who she regards as sexist - and with due cause given he paid for her brother's education and not hers, hence the military thing. I know her mother, and admire the woman a lot. We even talk on the phone occasionally. I have met her father and I think he thinks I'm an okay guy. I doubt either would say no, so that's not an issue. However, I really don't know how my girlfriend would feel about me asking either ... Would she consider it patronising? Or cute and old fashioned and decent? Shouldn't I just ask her, out of respect for her opinion? But would her parents be offended if I didn't consult them, even if only out of politeness? Would she, if I didn't? I'm sure it didn't used to be this hard!! So, girls, what do you think? Should I ask the mum or the old man, or just ask her? What's a modern would-be-husband to do? Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 Ask for their blessing, but not permission. That will appease her less than liberal dad, and possibly her too. Making nice with her family is important since they will be a part of your lives forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 Excellent answer. I agree with Bab on that one. I don't see how she'd find that patronizing but I could see where asking her dad's permission could be taken that way. It's a good way to start off on the right foot with her family too. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 From my perspective, I would ask her first. What is she going to say "Have you asked my parents?" I really doubt that given what you said, and yes it never used to be this hard us guys are having to re-learn the rules. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 30, 2005 Share Posted October 30, 2005 Tell her that you heard of a person who had to travel a few thousand miles to another state just to ask her parents for permission (someone on LS posted about this). And aks her if she thinks it's cute or dumb. Start from there and you will know her opinion about it. The last thing you need is the black-belt-love-of-your-life to break your legs cuz you asked her sexist-daddy for her hand! :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
snickerdoodle Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 I vote no. Your lady sounds very much like me (including the military background, liberal views, background with parents, etc). My husband and I decided to get married, then he surprised me with the official proposal. I would not have wanted him to talk with my parents first. Since they already knew and liked him, there really was no reason for that. After getting engaged we called our families and announced the good news. My dad has never brought up the fact that DH didn't talk with him beforehand so it obviously wasn't an issue. My parents know me well enough to understand that not asking for their "blessing" isn't a slight against them; hopefully your future in-laws know her in the same way? Link to post Share on other sites
ladyinwaiting Posted October 31, 2005 Share Posted October 31, 2005 I'm also going to vote "no", but more cautiously. I'm a bit similar to your girl, and I would have been a little annoyed had my boy asked by dad before asking me. However, I say that as someone who comes from a liberal family, and whose dad would have responded with a laugh and "you're asking the wrong person" had he been consulted first! There may be some factors in your sweetie's family life which mean that you should at least seek pappa's blessing. Are you expecting him to be involved in your lives in the future? Do you need to go to family functions and play nice? Heck, are you expecting that he will <i>pay</i> for the wedding? Seriously, dude, you need to test the waters with your girl first. The suggestion above works fine for me. Yeah, she'll probably catch on to what you're doing, but most people these days discuss their future plans before settling on them. And at least it'll save you from a lifetime of family touble and an annoyed and decidedlyunliberal father in law. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts