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Getting Father's Permission


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Hi all! I am planning to ask my sweetie's dad for permission to marry her, as I believe this is traditional. I wanted to run the details past the community here first, in case I'm overlooking any important details.

 

I don't know much about this. A few months ago, the owners of my work talked about the proposal of one of their daughter's boyfriends, who had asked the dad for permission first. They seemed to like that he did this. I've also seen this on TV, where the guy talks with the dad. It's usually young guys, though, and I'm 42.

 

The plan is to send him an IM next week inviting him to lunch. I'll ask permission, and ask him not to talk about it to anyone. This will be about a month ahead of the proposal.

 

Please let me know any thoughts or concerns. Thank you!

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It is more ceremonial than necessary but still a nice touch. I asked both in-laws together, my MIL cried and FIL said “I thought we’d never get rid of her!”.

 

You’re on the right track...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Do you know what your girlfriend's thoughts are on this? Is she traditional in general?

 

 

Personally, we did not ask my dad, because we were both against this tradition. Unfortunately we have enough problems with my parents overstepping boundaries as it is, without encouraging it.

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hey shydad! I think your intentions are good but at your age (42?) asking her dad for her hand is sort of redundant. I assume you are both divorced? How old is she? Kids involved? Second and third marriages should be low key. If her dad disapproves you will probably know it...

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lana-banana

1) Ask her opinion - just because you think it's a good idea doesn't mean she agrees. It personally didn't bother me, but plenty of people (not just women!) find it weird and insulting.

 

2) I agree at 42 it's a lot less meaningful than it would be at 22 or even 32. Her parents might appreciate the gesture but they might also find it kind of weird. This is really the kind of thing you should talk about beforehand.

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Asking a woman's father for permission dates back to when ownership of the woman was transferred from father to husband. Asking her father now shows that you don't respect that a woman can now make decisions for herself.

 

Unless your sweetheart is extremely traditional, I think it's a really bad idea. I'd be mortified if a potential husband did this.

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What is your sweetie's relationship with her Dad like? What is YOUR relationship with him like? Unless there's some major issues in those relationships, I think it's a very gentlemanly thing to do. It conveys respect to your elders (very important to them), and would reflect well on you (in his eyes) as a good choice of a mate to his daughter, indicating that you would take good care of her. That's what Dads care about.

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What will you do if her father laughs and says "Don't ask me....it's her decision!"? This is exactly the type of thing my dad would say.

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Beendaredonedat

Is her mother no longer alive or are they estranged? You keep talking about asking her "father" for permission but don't mention including her mother in on the asking.

 

My son-in-law asked both me and my husband and we both were so impressed with him for it. He's a fine young man who makes my daughter very happy and is the best Dad to their two sons. :D

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What will you do if her father laughs and says "Don't ask me....it's her decision!"? This is exactly the type of thing my dad would say.
he is asking permission to ASK, not to marry. and OP that is how you should phrase it... while it is an old (dated?) tradition it would be a nice gesture. and as a father of a 19yo daughter... i am dreading the day --- especially if the old adage of 'daughter marries her father' is even remotely true.
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major_merrick

I think it all depends on your culture, her family's culture, and how well you get along. And you're a bit old...your partner isn't exactly a young girl straight out of high school, right?

 

To me, the tradition seems strange. If you get along well with the parents, you already know the answer. If you don't, well then you know that answer too. Getting permission ends up being an unnecessary ritual. But most things about getting married in western culture seem to be unnecessary rituals held over from a past we barely remember.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I think "blessing" is a better word than "permission" and I think it's a nice gesture.

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he is asking permission to ASK, not to marry. and OP that is how you should phrase it... while it is an old (dated?) tradition it would be a nice gesture. and as a father of a 19yo daughter... i am dreading the day --- especially if the old adage of 'daughter marries her father' is even remotely true.

 

We have a 20yo daughter and I asked hubby about how he'd feel if a boyfriend asked permission for her hand in marriage. He laughed and said he'd tell the guy to take all of her, not just her hand.

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I want to reiterate that the person whose feelings matter most about this is that of the woman you want to marry. If you don't know her feelings on this "tradition", I strongly suggest that you ASK her. It doesn't matter whether people on LS think it's a nice thing to do or whether it's something they'd want their daughter's fiance to do or not... you're not marrying her father, you're marrying HER.

 

 

Only do it if you know it's something she would want you to do.

 

 

 

especially if the old adage of 'daughter marries her father' is even remotely true.

 

 

If it helps, not really true for me... :p

 

 

He laughed and said he'd tell the guy to take all of her, not just her hand.

 

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

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What happens if he says no?

Stay away from my daughter...

 

She may be mortified that the men in her life ganged up on her to make a decision about HER life...

 

She may not want to marry you and thus awkwardness all round...

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We have a 20yo daughter and I asked hubby about how he'd feel if a boyfriend asked permission for her hand in marriage. He laughed and said he'd tell the guy to take all of her, not just her hand.

 

:laugh::rolleyes:

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Hi all! I am planning to ask my sweetie's dad for permission to marry her, as I believe this is traditional. I wanted to run the details past the community here first, in case I'm overlooking any important details.

 

I don't know much about this. A few months ago, the owners of my work talked about the proposal of one of their daughter's boyfriends, who had asked the dad for permission first. They seemed to like that he did this. I've also seen this on TV, where the guy talks with the dad. It's usually young guys, though, and I'm 42.

 

The plan is to send him an IM next week inviting him to lunch. I'll ask permission, and ask him not to talk about it to anyone. This will be about a month ahead of the proposal.

 

Please let me know any thoughts or concerns. Thank you!

 

 

I seriously think you need to ask your fiancé-to-be what her views are. At your age, I don’t think it’s necessary but in today’s society (also my own view), I am completely offended with the “traditional” idea of ownership hand off from father or husband. Gross. You can indeed inform her parents that you plan to ask her and hope they are happy and on board but asking permission is down-right gross and offensive in this day in age. Unless she specifically believes that she likes this and wants this and this is where you might need to try to figure out form her what her views are.

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Thank you for all of the different viewpoints. There are many conflicting thoughts here. I like the "blessing" idea a lot. That sounds a lot better. It's probably safest not to do anything, though.

 

She is 43, never married. She adores her parents and thinks highly of them. I think she might like it. The dad might be pleased, but he might be uncomfortable as well, due to my age. The mom might talk if she knew, and proposals are more romantic if they aren't known about, imo. I would like to be a gentleman, but what Alphamale said matches with my own thoughts. It seems respectful, but I haven't seen or heard about this in a person's 40s. It's all 20 year olds, from what I can tell. I think with her and her family, it's a good thing, but could become awkward at this age.

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First, be sure she's going to say yes. Second, have all the concerns worked out between you and your girlfriend so that you're prepared in case the dad brings up things like finances, where you'll live, child custody, holidays, religion for the kids and yourselves. I mean, you need to already know all this before you marry anyway, and while one dad might just say You have my blessing, another might sit you down and try to secure every Christmas with the children from now until eternity or something like that - - or might even warn you of a bad habit of his daughter's such as finances.

 

In any event, you want to have already agreed with your girlfriend on this so it's not on you if he does decide to go in depth. So if he says, Well, we expect you to bring her and the kids here for every Christmas, now you are on the spot and are likely to be pressured into agreeing, whereas if you've already talked about it. you can say, Well, actually, Bridget and I have agreed to alternate Christmases with each of our families and even occasionally host one at our place. And what can he say?

 

So go prepared.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Thank you for all of the different viewpoints. There are many conflicting thoughts here. I like the "blessing" idea a lot. That sounds a lot better. It's probably safest not to do anything, though.

 

She is 43, never married. She adores her parents and thinks highly of them. I think she might like it. The dad might be pleased, but he might be uncomfortable as well, due to my age. The mom might talk if she knew, and proposals are more romantic if they aren't known about, imo. I would like to be a gentleman, but what Alphamale said matches with my own thoughts. It seems respectful, but I haven't seen or heard about this in a person's 40s. It's all 20 year olds, from what I can tell. I think with her and her family, it's a good thing, but could become awkward at this age.

 

Ehh, I don't know. One of my BFFs got married almost 2 years ago, for the first time at age 46 and she's very close with her parents. Not only did her husband talk to her dad, but also got the whole family's assistance in orchestrating the proposal. It doesn't have to be weird or controlling or sexist.....it can just still be a really nice gesture. :love:

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She is 43

 

 

Yeah, that would make it doubly awkward. I agree that it's safest to not do it, if you're not sure what her opinion is on it.

 

 

 

How long have you both been together? I assume you've talked about marriage as an abstract concept at least (i.e. what her thoughts are about it in general), even though she doesn't know you're planning to propose soon?

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Not only did her husband talk to her dad, but also got the whole family's assistance in orchestrating the proposal. It doesn't have to be weird or controlling or sexist.....it can just still be a really nice gesture. :love:

 

 

Haha, this is really a different strokes for different folks thing. :laugh: I would be immensely weirded out if we'd had family (or really, ANYone aside from the two of us) present at the proposal... IMO, it's a private and intimate moment, for the couple alone. There's space enough for family and friends at the wedding.

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lana-banana

My husband met my dad for dinner and said "We're planning on getting engaged soon, and I wanted you to know. Do you have any advice?" I'm glad he did it, because it was an opportunity for them to bond and get to know each other and make my very traditional father feel involved in the process without it getting weird or patriarchal.

 

You may feel a surprise proposal is most romantic, but you guys have talked about marriage, right? Like it's both in your long-term goals, and you intend to work towards it together? I couldn't imagine someone proposing without the other person at least aware that marriage is on the table as a shared goal.

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Assuming you have a relationship with that dad since she's never been married, I think asking for his blessing would be OK. Blessing, not permission.

 

I was 40 when DH proposed. He didn't talk to my dad 1st & that really hurt my father's feelings. My dad was a traditionalist. It strained their relationship for a while too while my dad nursed his wounds.

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My wife is very close to her parents and I have the highest regard and respect for them. I talked it over with her about my feelings then met with him. I was 39 yrs old when I asked for his permission to marry his daughter.

I felt it important to show all due respect as his daughter had been abused and through a lot with her ex. It allowed him to speak to me on the matter her suddenly being a mom to 3 small children. In the end he appreciated me in doing this. What if he had said no? I would have honored that, he is a man that does not demand respect he is a person that commands respect.

In 20 yrs I have never disrespected my in laws. You just don't want to.

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