Loving12345 Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Hi, I would like some perspectives of others about an issue which has come up with my fiancé. To be accurate I need to give context. I am fairly conservative, so no sex, vacations, living together, or sleepovers before marriage. My parents also would not have been happy with us (livid) if we had done that. He has always been extremely accommodating of that, I never felt pressured, even though he would have liked to do all that with me. He has not travelled much, due in part to him paying for school before he stated working. We started going out two years ago, engaged for two months. Three years ago he went on a Europe trip with his friends, and wanted to go again to Europe last summer (without me obviously) but he held back because of anticipating needing to save for marriage (I also wouldnt have been too happy spending thousands on a trip). We’re 29, so it’s not like we have many years of saving before marriage, kids etc becomes a possibility. He decided not to go, not because I have any opinion but just on his own accord. Now my family is going on vacation, due to my brother and sister in law needing help with small children on their trip. My mom decided to go for babysitting help and asked me. I said no because we’re saving and my parents agreed to pay. Now we’re all going. During the booking process my brother asked if my fiancé was coming so I asked him if he wanted to but we were both undecided whether it was worth money/affordable. I have much more money than he does, and after the whether we can afford it convo I told him of this. A week later he decided if he could get a deal he’d like to come. It was 2400$ at first and I said I thought it wasn’t worth it, but around 1500$ I’d say let’s go for it. He found a deal for 1600 but I still expressed my question of whether it was worth it (the kids are very small, it’s with my family, we can’t be alone, mostly helping in some way with kids, plus sometimes my parents needle him (he can also quip back tbh)) and really I didn’t get why he would want to have a vacation with that. He said that he feels like he’s always the one waiting and compromising and it wasn’t fair. Finally he said that it was simply because he’s been aching to go on a trip with me and this was a way to do that with our current restrictions. But by the time we got through our discussions, the price had gone up again and even he agreed it wasn’t worth it. I feel extremely guilty and I feel like I basically told him not to come and led to him not coming. What are you thoughts on this situation? I’m not looking for absolution, just your genuine opinion. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Not sure why you’d discourage him from going and spending time with the family he’ll soon be a part of. Seems a little controlling on your part and a lost opportunity on his... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Whether he choses to spend the money and spend the time with your family, should be entirely his decision. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 but around 1500$ I’d say let’s go for it. He found a deal for 1600 but I still expressed my question of whether it was worth it I think you've got him on a mighty short leash. I think you should've told your parents that it's either the two of you or neither. I also think you need to set your parents straight about respecting your fiancé. If I were him I'd be extremely skeptical of marrying into such a clan. Of course I'd never go for the abstinence bs either, so I guess if he's happy and your conscience isn't bothering you, then there's not a problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Of course I'd never go for the abstinence bs either, so I guess if he's happy and your conscience isn't bothering you, then there's not a problem. It seems sometimes in relationships like this control in the bedroom translates to equal influence outside that setting. Men are expected to accept and conform in more ways than one. Loving12345, guess I'll give you credit, you seem to have a clear and resolute picture of what you want in a spouse... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Was he asking you to pay the $1600, or was he willing to split it? Are you saving for marriage per se or are you saving for the wedding? Personally, if he had been willing to split the cost (and it was literally only $100 above your set point), I think you were wrong to dissuade him, especially if you two have never had the opportunity to go on vacation together before. At the very least, you should have offered to go on a domestic trip together at a different time. If money was that big of an issue, you shouldn't be planning an expensive wedding. It does feel to me like you're unwilling to compromise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 It seems to me that you are both pennywise & pound foolish. For you to spend time together, traveling for him to get to know your family better, a family he will be joining, this trip should have been a no-brainer. Of course he should have come along & gotten his own room or shared with another male member of your family. Now that the price has gone up again, it may no longer be cost effective but a few dollars is better then hurt feelings so find a way to include him. If money is really an issue, start brain storming so that you both have side hustles to earn more money Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 Was he asking you to pay the $1600, or was he willing to split it? Are you saving for marriage per se or are you saving for the wedding? Personally, if he had been willing to split the cost (and it was literally only $100 above your set point), I think you were wrong to dissuade him, especially if you two have never had the opportunity to go on vacation together before. It’s very unclear who will be paying - the boyfriend, or sharing the cost. Either way, I agree with you Elswyth that $100 shouldn’t decide whether he comes or not. It would seem to me that when the cost was acceptable, OP started throwing up other obstacles (like, the children) and I have to wonder why... It would seem to me that it would be a win-win for him to come on the trip. You spend time together and he gets to know your family. Sure, if you were recently dating I could see why you would want to go alone with your family... but, when you are engaged to the man, you will need to accept the fact that future family holidays will include your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loving12345 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Share Posted July 15, 2019 All fair points and I do feel really crappy about it. In my defence I’m not controlling in other ways, but yes I have not budged on the sex vacation thing. Also I never meant to express my intentions as an absolute no you can’t go. I just wanted to discuss my opinion. Since we are getting married, don’t we both have a say in how our money is spent? But he took my opinion to be a no, but we continued discussing it, I saw his point of view, and it was too late. For the record, if my parents weren’t paying I wouldn’t go. After we’re married, he is to be included in everything and anything. I guess I just thought that since we’ll have so many expenses, why not spend that money on extra honeymoon things? A trip where we’ll be alone to enjoy rather than interjected with my meddling family? Also I am trying to save in every way for the wedding. My real concern is saving for our house etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 Since we are getting married, don’t we both have a say in how our money is spent? Normally, yes, especially if you are already living together. But if you are waiting til marriage to move in together or sleep over or have sex, why would you be deciding jointly on finances before marriage? Either you view your wedding date as the date that changes everything and you are just dating/courting beforehand, or you are in a serious relationship beforehand, no? I guess I just thought that since we’ll have so many expenses, why not spend that money on extra honeymoon things? A trip where we’ll be alone to enjoy rather than interjected with my meddling family? Also I am trying to save in every way for the wedding. My real concern is saving for our house etc.Again, normally this would be OK, but in your situation it's much more complex. Normally a couple would have already taken trips together before they even got engaged, so one trip apart doesn't matter. Currently you two have NEVER taken a trip together before, so that's why it matters so much. The real crux of it though is that it seems to be really important to him, and yet you don't seem to care. That's likely the biggest issue here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 For the record, if my parents weren’t paying I wouldn’t go. Come on now, you'll still spend money, right? It is after all a vacation - food, drinks, clothes, sightseeing, souvenirs, etc. Even if your folks are paying travel and hotel, you'll still have out of pocket expenses. After we’re married, he is to be included in everything and anything. Seems a remarkably arbitrary designation. If you've chosen him because he's the man you think he is, why wait until then to trust and have faith in him? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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