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Moving in together

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Old 16th March 2019, 5:53 AM   #1
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Smile Moving in together

Hi everyone,

This is probably Chander from 'Friends' scenario, but in the past month I've been panicking quite a lot and did not know the source of the issue.

During the period i had a lot going on at work and also my grandfather passed away and i started to feel anxious and panicky.

At first i thought it was related to the both situations but the work issue has been resolved and i have accepted the death of my grandfather as inevitable part of living, but the panic continued.

It turns out, when i was on a date with my high school sweetheart for our 10 year anniversary, the idea of moving in together was initiated from her side. Previously i had not thought of that or not in a more serious way. We both are 26 years old. We talked that finances are a problem at the moment and that we should work on the case to be more financially stable in order to move in together.

After that, i started to basically panic every now and then and have doubts about us and our future.

Also to mention that she doesn't force or pressure me into moving in together. She is very lovely and caring person and i do love her, but some doubts have occurred and are making me very insecure. Maybe one of the stressors for me is the fact that I live with my mom, and maybe subconsciously dont want to leave her alone.

How can i overcome this since i do not want to be fearful, but to embrace the upcoming changes as natural part of life and not stress about it.

Thank you
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Old 16th March 2019, 7:53 AM   #2
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Good on you both for having a mature conversation and concluding that you may want to move in together, but it's not financially feasible right now. You sound like responsible, realistic adults. In some ways this is a blessing, because you aren't jumping into something before you're ready.

Do you have any doubts beyond the ones related to your mother? Have you talked to your mother about it? Talk to your partner and your siblings or other family members too. Sometimes just speaking aloud about major changes will make them easier to grasp.

If you have a few doubts about whether your relationship will last, I wouldn't worry. That's normal. But if you have doubts about whether she is the right partner for you, then you may want to take a step back for a bit. You should be sure in your mind that you really want to be with this person before you move in.

The next step is to calculate how much money you would need to move in, and start saving that together. This is more than a practical exercise, it will also help you bond and understand how you collectively manage your finances. If you can't agree on how to save or spend money, that could be a sign that you shouldn't move in together.

Remind yourself that "this too shall pass". That refers to the good and the bad times in life. Everything is always changing, and you can't hold on to everything forever. Think back on all the times in life when something changed and you adjusted to it. You'll adjust to the future too, no matter what it looks like.
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Old 16th March 2019, 8:38 AM   #3
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Think about what your fears are. You two have been together a long time -- 10 years, since you were 16 years old. I suspect neither of you ever dated anybody else.

You might be having a touch of GIGs. Let that go. Just because its extremely rare to have found The One in high school, doesn't mean it's not possible.

You might be worried about all the what ifs -- will being under the same roof make you too close with no escape valve? Can you swing it financially? Is marriage the next step after that? All of those are legitimate Qs but they have happy ending answers you control.

If you are both still living at home with mom & dad maybe you need a year of living in apartments alone or with other roommates to transition.

The best part of this is you don't have to figure it out right now. Take your time. Think it through. Talk to your GF, even about your fears & doubts. Giving them voice enables you to slay the dragons.

Happy planning & condolences on your grandfather's passing.
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Old 16th March 2019, 10:21 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by Emin View Post
Maybe one of the stressors for me is the fact that I live with my mom, and maybe subconsciously dont want to leave her alone.
While I'm sure Mom likes having you around, parents want their children to be successful in love, life and business. This necessarily entails leaving the nest and experiencing all the good and bad on your own.

d0nnivain's suggestion of living on your own for a year before cohabiting is a good one. You need to understand how things are done outside mom's basement...

Mr. Lucky
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
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Old 16th March 2019, 1:10 PM   #5
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Have you considered that your panic might arise more from, at your age, not feeling financially stable?

If you have been together for 10 years and have not actually yet taken the time to think about what it all means and where it was leading you, then
possibly it might help to start to make a more detailed 'life plan', listing your goals, dreams, aspirations, etc., and even put some timelines against the more major life decisions and events.

It's much easier to welcome and embrace change when it is self-directed, and you know that you have a solid plan to back it up.

Best of luck.
"Good or benign intentions do not provide a defence." ~ Tony Wong, Reporter
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