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Engaged and he cheated - should I leave him


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Hi All

 

I have been with him for 4 years and got engaged 10 months ago.

 

He met a girl in the plane, took her number. He said at first it was just for work purpose and did mention he was engaged. They happened to bump onto each other in a café later on. He then texted her to meet with her for a coffee – which they did. Apparently, she was flirty and he started to fancy her. He added her on insta and was “obsessed” with her for 2 weeks.

 

He says he regrets engaging with her. Shall I leave him?

 

I feel betrayed and can’t trust him anymore.

 

Please help .

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Just my opinion....but

"Emotional cheating is still cheating" " a leopard never changes his spots"

"The forbidden fruit will call again" "Weak men pry for the allure of something they want"....yea....they say a woman can always see when her future or current husband lies to her in his face. Ask yourself if you really want to keep seeing that face and youll know what to do

.

4 years is a long time. It will hurt leaving yea, but not for too long.

Just trust me when i say that staying will kill you. The saying "everything becomes much worse after the wedding" is not a myth.

Your choice. Sorry to hear you're going through this. Good luck

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Put off getting married. I mean, we can't help if we randomly without trying meet someone interesting, but he shouldn't have followed up with her unless it truly was business.

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I think you should be more concerned that it was so easy for him to do that. Something tells me he's always been this way...

 

Consider yourself lucky that you learned about this before the actual marriage. I personally wouldn't be with anyone who after FOUR YEARS doesn't know me enough to know that this isn't okay in our relationship.

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Did he sleep with her or just meet for coffee? I know it’s wrong to meet someone for coffee but I’m not sure if it’s something to throw in the towel for after dating someone for four years. People are human and make mistakes. I would maybe slow things down though and figure out why it happened. If he’s not ready to settle down after 4 years time to move on.

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He was actively looking and essentially dated and became obsessed with another woman.

That is not someone who is marriage material.

He is still on the prowl...

 

 

Too many tell us that their fiancé cheated before they got married, she forgave him as she loved him and now years after when she is pregnant or there are kids on the scene or both, he is up to his old tricks again...

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Please help .

 

Others will weigh on whether he's worthy or not of your commitment, I'll just say this - he doesn't seem ready for marriage. Good guy or not, he's doesn't seem to see himself as part of a couple ready to take that next step.

 

That's what would give me concern...

 

Mr. Lucky

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No you should not leave him over that. It was coffee, social media & a stupid cold feet panic. If he actually slept with her, then of course but here. . .cut him a little slack, not much but some.

 

You do need to postpone the wedding plans . . .push everything back, recoup any deposits you can & get some premarital counseling.

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I don't call meeting someone at random and having a coffee "cheating." It diminishes the word. (It's like calling a sideways glance "violence", or an clumsy word "rape culture.")

 

I don't think it's worth blowing up the entire relationship, but it is worth having a good, solid discussion.

 

In a sense, this is a good thing that happened, because this is precisely the thing that can destroy marriages. Now that this has taken place, before vows have been exchanged, you have an opportunity to set expectations for each other. What is cheating and what is not? Have you set financial goals? What about in-laws? Children? Sex?

 

Establishing expectations is fundamental in getting a relationship from dating to engagement to marriage. Take this opportunity to do that.

 

Good luck!

Edited by Geraltt
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I'm assuming he told you about it? He also had coffee and then started following her on Instagram but that's the extent of it.

 

I don't believe that being in a relationship means you can never be attracted to or intrigued by other people. I think the difficult part is sometimes we have no outlet for those feelings or how to admit them truthfully to a partner or work through them.

 

I don't think this requires ending the relationship. I think couple's counseling pre-marriage might be a great space to actively talk about these things and to come up with a way to deal with these things int he future. It seems a lot more constructive than simply ending things. A lifetime together with any human will come with a lot of issues and things you didn't even think about, even for you, where your response might surprise you, so I'm 100% for having all the tools and forethought to help, hence I think counseling to just lay out some of these things can be very useful in adding to your tool kit and not thinking that simply being in love or married is enough to know how to deal with your own complicated feelings or working through issues with a whole other person.

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Hollywood-Tourist

If it was me, then heck yes I'd dump him for his cheating. If you meant anything to him then he wouldn't have even considered or entertained the idea of straying.

 

 

Put yourself first, he doesn't deserve you and he needs to face the consequences.

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Engagement is a time when one pledges commitment but there is time to fine tune compatibility and time to back out if it is not what either wants.

It is not generally the time to go chat up other women and become obsessed with them for weeks.

If that is seen as OK behaviour for an engaged man, then I am not surprised the stats for divorce are high.

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Mrs._December
Hi All

 

I have been with him for 4 years and got engaged 10 months ago.

 

He met a girl in the plane, took her number. He said at first it was just for work purpose and did mention he was engaged. They happened to bump onto each other in a café later on. He then texted her to meet with her for a coffee – which they did. Apparently, she was flirty and he started to fancy her. He added her on insta and was “obsessed” with her for 2 weeks.

 

He says he regrets engaging with her. Shall I leave him?

 

I feel betrayed and can’t trust him anymore.

 

Please help .

How very serendipitous that they just HAPPENED to 'bump into each other' at a cafe. :rolleyes: Do you live in a tiny little town with only 200 people in it?

 

And then they only had coffee together at a later date. :rolleyes:

 

Unless you got this information because you were attached at his hip and saw it for yourself, then it's likely you haven't NEARLY been given the real truth of what these two actually did. Not nearly.

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He met a girl in the plane, took her number..

 

He cheated the second he took her number. He will cheat again.

 

Sorry.

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I feel betrayed and can’t trust him anymore.

 

That is because you have been betrayed and you can't trust him any more...

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He cheated the second he took her number. He will cheat again.

 

Sorry.

 

 

Getting somebody's phone # is not cheating. Don't exaggerate.

 

It certainly wasn't the greatest most loyal or trustworthy move by an engaged person but it doesn't arise to cheating . . . yet.

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Hi All

 

I have been with him for 4 years and got engaged 10 months ago.

 

He met a girl in the plane, took her number. He said at first it was just for work purpose and did mention he was engaged. They happened to bump onto each other in a café later on. He then texted her to meet with her for a coffee – which they did. Apparently, she was flirty and he started to fancy her. He added her on insta and was “obsessed” with her for 2 weeks.

 

He says he regrets engaging with her. Shall I leave him?

 

I feel betrayed and can’t trust him anymore.

 

Please help .

 

 

 

It seems as though you're getting a flimsy explanation from your fiancé.

 

I get the impression you somehow came across his social media and questioned

him about this woman. His story is full of holes and you know it.

 

Trust is the foundation all good relationships are built on.

 

In a way you've been given a gift by discovering his true character.

 

It's up to you to decide to leave him. Odds are you will regret not breaking up with him now instead of years later.

 

 

I say you should dump him, I say you should be your own best friend and listen to your gut.

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LivingWaterPlease

You've been together four years. I can't recall how old you and he are and if he had much dating experience before the two of you became involved. But, it seems to me he's not finished shopping around.

 

In your place I'd break it off with him telling him you want to give him time to date around because it seems he needs it.

 

I believe if you stay with him he'll think he can get by with this type behavior in the future.

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No, it's not cheating per se, but I think the phone number and follow up is actually worse. An impulsive kiss is a split-second decision. It's not good but it's at least ephemeral. But OP's situation is different. After he got the girl's number he had plenty of time to rethink his decision, confess, flush her number down the toilet, whatever. He didn't. He just kept going, meeting her and adding her to social media, spending two entire weeks obsessed (!) with her. This is much worse to me than a momentary lapse of judgment. He had every chance to pull back and stop himself, and repeatedly chose not to.

This is not how anyone behaves when they intend to commit to their partner. It's good he confessed, but why then? Why didn't he tell you earlier? Was he planning to leave you or have an affair, but she shot him down?

 

OP, I don't know if you should leave him, but this guy is in no way ready to get married. I would put the wedding on hold for at least another year.

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This is a deal breaker for me.

 

What we do affects our partners as well because they have chosen to take on this world with us. The whole point of a relationship, engagement, marriage is the practice of remaining disciplined and devoted to your partner whom you promised exclusivity to and we have a degree of responsibility and accountability for them. If we dont want to do that, we need to stay single because we are going to seriously damage the other person. This man doesn't get that. He has taken for granted that YOU made room and adjusted your life for him. You have compromised and sacrificed. You could have talked to other men as well but you chose him to be your number 1. You said yes to him. You wouldn't have done all that with just anyone.

 

He knowingly and willingly allowed himself into a position where he could cheat..and maybe he did. Worse, if not this woman, what if it's another woman. You're not always going to be around him. How would you know? Ofcourse your trust is gone.

 

And that's why people shouldn't do things like this. It's hard to come back from.

 

If he wants other women..dump him. Give him what he wants. Not worth fighting for.

 

- Beach

Edited by Beachead
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i dont think that from what you described it us an action of cheating , they problem is not he met just a girl , it is that u felt he was emotionally obsessed about her for couple of weeks. the issue is that if you were into each other as expected from two love birds he should not even think abt it

knowing that he did it is proof that irrespective if he is a jerk or a gentlemen you guys have compatibility issues to address serioudly

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Leave him before the coffee meeting becomes a night at a fancy hotel!

He probably confessed because the other girl realized he was engaged and said no!

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I would leave immediately.

 

Look, there is a chance you are the love of his life and that he will realise after a few years that he really felt for you more strongly than he will feel for any other.

 

People make mistakes.

 

But I think it takes time for them to realise it, if they really did screw it up with the love of their lives; he will not realise it overnight, it will take being alone for a while and seeing how he goes with other women.

 

It is rare though; most men who are truly in love and value what you have enough to last a lifetime do not cheat. Ever.

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