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Engaged and he cheated - should I leave him


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Old 11th January 2019, 7:52 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by holleebee View Post



He met a girl in the plane, took her number..
He cheated the second he took her number. He will cheat again.

Sorry.
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Old 11th January 2019, 8:01 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by holleebee View Post
I feel betrayed and can’t trust him anymore.
That is because you have been betrayed and you can't trust him any more...
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Old 12th January 2019, 9:15 AM   #18
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Originally Posted by brigit87 View Post
He cheated the second he took her number. He will cheat again.

Sorry.

Getting somebody's phone # is not cheating. Don't exaggerate.

It certainly wasn't the greatest most loyal or trustworthy move by an engaged person but it doesn't arise to cheating . . . yet.
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Old 13th January 2019, 8:04 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by holleebee View Post
Hi All

I have been with him for 4 years and got engaged 10 months ago.

He met a girl in the plane, took her number. He said at first it was just for work purpose and did mention he was engaged. They happened to bump onto each other in a café later on. He then texted her to meet with her for a coffee – which they did. Apparently, she was flirty and he started to fancy her. He added her on insta and was “obsessed” with her for 2 weeks.

He says he regrets engaging with her. Shall I leave him?

I feel betrayed and can’t trust him anymore.

Please help .


It seems as though you're getting a flimsy explanation from your fiancé.

I get the impression you somehow came across his social media and questioned
him about this woman. His story is full of holes and you know it.

Trust is the foundation all good relationships are built on.

In a way you've been given a gift by discovering his true character.

It's up to you to decide to leave him. Odds are you will regret not breaking up with him now instead of years later.


I say you should dump him, I say you should be your own best friend and listen to your gut.
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Old 13th January 2019, 10:25 PM   #20
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You've been together four years. I can't recall how old you and he are and if he had much dating experience before the two of you became involved. But, it seems to me he's not finished shopping around.

In your place I'd break it off with him telling him you want to give him time to date around because it seems he needs it.

I believe if you stay with him he'll think he can get by with this type behavior in the future.
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Old 14th January 2019, 3:56 AM   #21
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No, it's not cheating per se, but I think the phone number and follow up is actually worse. An impulsive kiss is a split-second decision. It's not good but it's at least ephemeral. But OP's situation is different. After he got the girl's number he had plenty of time to rethink his decision, confess, flush her number down the toilet, whatever. He didn't. He just kept going, meeting her and adding her to social media, spending two entire weeks obsessed (!) with her. This is much worse to me than a momentary lapse of judgment. He had every chance to pull back and stop himself, and repeatedly chose not to.
This is not how anyone behaves when they intend to commit to their partner. It's good he confessed, but why then? Why didn't he tell you earlier? Was he planning to leave you or have an affair, but she shot him down?

OP, I don't know if you should leave him, but this guy is in no way ready to get married. I would put the wedding on hold for at least another year.
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Old 15th January 2019, 12:11 PM   #22
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This is a deal breaker for me.

What we do affects our partners as well because they have chosen to take on this world with us. The whole point of a relationship, engagement, marriage is the practice of remaining disciplined and devoted to your partner whom you promised exclusivity to and we have a degree of responsibility and accountability for them. If we dont want to do that, we need to stay single because we are going to seriously damage the other person. This man doesn't get that. He has taken for granted that YOU made room and adjusted your life for him. You have compromised and sacrificed. You could have talked to other men as well but you chose him to be your number 1. You said yes to him. You wouldn't have done all that with just anyone.

He knowingly and willingly allowed himself into a position where he could cheat..and maybe he did. Worse, if not this woman, what if it's another woman. You're not always going to be around him. How would you know? Ofcourse your trust is gone.

And that's why people shouldn't do things like this. It's hard to come back from.

If he wants other women..dump him. Give him what he wants. Not worth fighting for.

- Beach
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Last edited by Beachead; 15th January 2019 at 12:26 PM..
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Old 15th January 2019, 12:37 PM   #23
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i dont think that from what you described it us an action of cheating , they problem is not he met just a girl , it is that u felt he was emotionally obsessed about her for couple of weeks. the issue is that if you were into each other as expected from two love birds he should not even think abt it
knowing that he did it is proof that irrespective if he is a jerk or a gentlemen you guys have compatibility issues to address serioudly
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Old 16th January 2019, 10:40 AM   #24
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Leave him before the coffee meeting becomes a night at a fancy hotel!
He probably confessed because the other girl realized he was engaged and said no!
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Old 17th January 2019, 10:54 AM   #25
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I would leave immediately.

Look, there is a chance you are the love of his life and that he will realise after a few years that he really felt for you more strongly than he will feel for any other.

People make mistakes.

But I think it takes time for them to realise it, if they really did screw it up with the love of their lives; he will not realise it overnight, it will take being alone for a while and seeing how he goes with other women.

It is rare though; most men who are truly in love and value what you have enough to last a lifetime do not cheat. Ever.
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Old 17th January 2019, 10:59 AM   #26
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I'm assuming he told you about it? He also had coffee and then started following her on Instagram but that's the extent of it.

I don't believe that being in a relationship means you can never be attracted to or intrigued by other people. I think the difficult part is sometimes we have no outlet for those feelings or how to admit them truthfully to a partner or work through them.

I don't think this requires ending the relationship. I think couple's counseling pre-marriage might be a great space to actively talk about these things and to come up with a way to deal with these things int he future. It seems a lot more constructive than simply ending things. A lifetime together with any human will come with a lot of issues and things you didn't even think about, even for you, where your response might surprise you, so I'm 100% for having all the tools and forethought to help, hence I think counseling to just lay out some of these things can be very useful in adding to your tool kit and not thinking that simply being in love or married is enough to know how to deal with your own complicated feelings or working through issues with a whole other person.


On the other hand.. I 100% believe this too....

We will feel the instant magic and chemistry with more than one person; often when we already have a long term partner!

But I do feel people who really value old fashioned commitment shut it down ASAP.

I would only worry if he felt the sort of "zing" for her, more so than he ever felt for you; that he felt that was missing when you met....

I also draw the line on acting on any type of infatuation or attraction. Feeling it sure - but commitment minded men who are good at marriage never act on it, they actively shut it down, have a flirt the first time they meet within reason and to know they still "got it", then never speak to said woman again; they should never feel more into any woman then they initially felt for their wife back when they first met, either....
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Old 17th January 2019, 11:09 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by brigit87 View Post
He cheated the second he took her number. He will cheat again.

Sorry.


Yep, I strongly agree......

Flirting a tad is one thing ----- getting phone numbers is instant dismissal for me - life is too short, go get a loyal guy now while you are still fertile and can have a family rather than waste that experience with a disloyal man.
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Old 17th January 2019, 10:27 PM   #28
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I'll lighten my tone.

OP, you know the story and ultimately know best. I think the theme from the responses in this thread say his behaviour is concerning.

While I wouldn't consider getting the woman's number a cheat, I would consider the how he went about the situation somewhat insensitive. If you feel betrayed and have lost trust, it's feedback. Whenever I felt something was off in my prior relationships (Which back then I used to brush off as nothing), it ended up being something later on...a symptom of a larger problem.

Beyond that, it's your call.

- Beach

Last edited by Beachead; 18th January 2019 at 12:38 AM..
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Old 21st January 2019, 2:29 PM   #29
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Getting somebody's phone # is not cheating. Don't exaggerate.

It certainly wasn't the greatest most loyal or trustworthy move by an engaged person but it doesn't arise to cheating . . . yet.
The intent is there, which to me is the same thing. It's only a matter of time, so may as well dodge the bullet, as I see it.
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Old 21st January 2019, 2:40 PM   #30
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The intent is there, which to me is the same thing. It's only a matter of time, so may as well dodge the bullet, as I see it.
Intent vs action are different.

I'm going to take it to the extreme to make my point. I intend to go out & kill person A. On my drive over there I get in a car accident & am rushed to the hospital where I remain for several weeks. While there I change my mind about killing person A. Person A remains alive & well. I am certainly not guilty of having committed murder or any other crime.

I may need therapy or anger management to figure out how I got whipped up into a murderous rage in the first place but since I didn't actually kill A I can be helped.

Here the FIs action of asking for the phone # merits further inquiry & the couple needs to have a lot of long painful discussions before heading down the aisle. They might not make it but a knee jerk reaction of breaking up in response to a bad decision made probably out of some cold feet or stupid FOMO response is an over reaction, IMO.

I am not suggesting glossing over what he did but compassion, forgiveness, communication & understanding are huge assets in any relationship.
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