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Engaged and he cheated - should I leave him


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Old 9th January 2019, 9:51 PM   #1
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Engaged and he cheated - should I leave him

Hi All

I have been with him for 4 years and got engaged 10 months ago.

He met a girl in the plane, took her number. He said at first it was just for work purpose and did mention he was engaged. They happened to bump onto each other in a café later on. He then texted her to meet with her for a coffee – which they did. Apparently, she was flirty and he started to fancy her. He added her on insta and was “obsessed” with her for 2 weeks.

He says he regrets engaging with her. Shall I leave him?

I feel betrayed and can’t trust him anymore.

Please help .
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Old 9th January 2019, 10:11 PM   #2
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Just my opinion....but
"Emotional cheating is still cheating" " a leopard never changes his spots"
"The forbidden fruit will call again" "Weak men pry for the allure of something they want"....yea....they say a woman can always see when her future or current husband lies to her in his face. Ask yourself if you really want to keep seeing that face and youll know what to do
.
4 years is a long time. It will hurt leaving yea, but not for too long.
Just trust me when i say that staying will kill you. The saying "everything becomes much worse after the wedding" is not a myth.
Your choice. Sorry to hear you're going through this. Good luck
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Old 9th January 2019, 10:21 PM   #3
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Put off getting married. I mean, we can't help if we randomly without trying meet someone interesting, but he shouldn't have followed up with her unless it truly was business.
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Old 9th January 2019, 10:45 PM   #4
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you should dump this chump...he doesn't deserve a great catch like you
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Old 10th January 2019, 9:32 AM   #5
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I think you should be more concerned that it was so easy for him to do that. Something tells me he's always been this way...

Consider yourself lucky that you learned about this before the actual marriage. I personally wouldn't be with anyone who after FOUR YEARS doesn't know me enough to know that this isn't okay in our relationship.
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Old 10th January 2019, 9:46 AM   #6
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Did he sleep with her or just meet for coffee? I know it’s wrong to meet someone for coffee but I’m not sure if it’s something to throw in the towel for after dating someone for four years. People are human and make mistakes. I would maybe slow things down though and figure out why it happened. If he’s not ready to settle down after 4 years time to move on.
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Old 10th January 2019, 9:54 AM   #7
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He was actively looking and essentially dated and became obsessed with another woman.
That is not someone who is marriage material.
He is still on the prowl...


Too many tell us that their fiancé cheated before they got married, she forgave him as she loved him and now years after when she is pregnant or there are kids on the scene or both, he is up to his old tricks again...
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Old 10th January 2019, 10:14 AM   #8
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Is actively looking a bit presumptuous? He went out to coffee and confessed.
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Old 10th January 2019, 1:10 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by holleebee View Post
Please help .
Others will weigh on whether he's worthy or not of your commitment, I'll just say this - he doesn't seem ready for marriage. Good guy or not, he's doesn't seem to see himself as part of a couple ready to take that next step.

That's what would give me concern...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 10th January 2019, 3:39 PM   #10
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No you should not leave him over that. It was coffee, social media & a stupid cold feet panic. If he actually slept with her, then of course but here. . .cut him a little slack, not much but some.

You do need to postpone the wedding plans . . .push everything back, recoup any deposits you can & get some premarital counseling.
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Old 10th January 2019, 3:48 PM   #11
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I don't call meeting someone at random and having a coffee "cheating." It diminishes the word. (It's like calling a sideways glance "violence", or an clumsy word "rape culture.")

I don't think it's worth blowing up the entire relationship, but it is worth having a good, solid discussion.

In a sense, this is a good thing that happened, because this is precisely the thing that can destroy marriages. Now that this has taken place, before vows have been exchanged, you have an opportunity to set expectations for each other. What is cheating and what is not? Have you set financial goals? What about in-laws? Children? Sex?

Establishing expectations is fundamental in getting a relationship from dating to engagement to marriage. Take this opportunity to do that.

Good luck!
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Old 11th January 2019, 12:21 PM   #12
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I'm assuming he told you about it? He also had coffee and then started following her on Instagram but that's the extent of it.

I don't believe that being in a relationship means you can never be attracted to or intrigued by other people. I think the difficult part is sometimes we have no outlet for those feelings or how to admit them truthfully to a partner or work through them.

I don't think this requires ending the relationship. I think couple's counseling pre-marriage might be a great space to actively talk about these things and to come up with a way to deal with these things int he future. It seems a lot more constructive than simply ending things. A lifetime together with any human will come with a lot of issues and things you didn't even think about, even for you, where your response might surprise you, so I'm 100% for having all the tools and forethought to help, hence I think counseling to just lay out some of these things can be very useful in adding to your tool kit and not thinking that simply being in love or married is enough to know how to deal with your own complicated feelings or working through issues with a whole other person.
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Old 11th January 2019, 12:53 PM   #13
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If it was me, then heck yes I'd dump him for his cheating. If you meant anything to him then he wouldn't have even considered or entertained the idea of straying.


Put yourself first, he doesn't deserve you and he needs to face the consequences.
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Old 11th January 2019, 1:10 PM   #14
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Engagement is a time when one pledges commitment but there is time to fine tune compatibility and time to back out if it is not what either wants.
It is not generally the time to go chat up other women and become obsessed with them for weeks.
If that is seen as OK behaviour for an engaged man, then I am not surprised the stats for divorce are high.
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Old 11th January 2019, 7:03 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by holleebee View Post
Hi All

I have been with him for 4 years and got engaged 10 months ago.

He met a girl in the plane, took her number. He said at first it was just for work purpose and did mention he was engaged. They happened to bump onto each other in a café later on. He then texted her to meet with her for a coffee – which they did. Apparently, she was flirty and he started to fancy her. He added her on insta and was “obsessed” with her for 2 weeks.

He says he regrets engaging with her. Shall I leave him?

I feel betrayed and can’t trust him anymore.

Please help .
How very serendipitous that they just HAPPENED to 'bump into each other' at a cafe. Do you live in a tiny little town with only 200 people in it?

And then they only had coffee together at a later date.

Unless you got this information because you were attached at his hip and saw it for yourself, then it's likely you haven't NEARLY been given the real truth of what these two actually did. Not nearly.
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