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Does anyone regret having a nice wedding?


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 22nd November 2018, 2:17 PM   #16
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I had a big military wedding with 200 guests that my then husband paid by himself. Such wedding had been unseen in our little hometown and people spoke about it for years.



Since then we divorced, and he died, and 30 some years later I still keep hold of my wedding photo albums. It's still a good memory to me. Last year I visited my ex-mother-in-law, she is now 85 years old, she brought me in her bedroom to show me she still had our wedding picture on her bedroom wall. Gosh I can't beleive that makes me tear up :-). Yes beautiful weddings are worth it.
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Old 22nd November 2018, 5:47 PM   #17
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If a couple truly thinks that planning a wedding "tested their bonds to the limit", I really don't think that couple should be getting married.
Given the wide age gap of our LoveShack community, I think that this observation may be too over-generalized to fit everybody's experience.

Back in my day (and for the generations before mine), it simply was that men did not get as involved in wedding planning, and family rearing, as they probably should have been.
So, what preraph said did apply to some of the relationships...but many/most of those couples also did go on to have life-long rewarding and happy marriages.

For me, it is heart-warming to see, in my step-sons, that these days both of the couple are taking equal interest in planning the wedding...but tests of the relationship are still happening...
...which I don't think means that the couple ought to reconsider their marriage...only to use it as ways to strengthen their bonds.
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Old 23rd November 2018, 4:26 PM   #18
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Given the wide age gap of our LoveShack community, I think that this observation may be too over-generalized to fit everybody's experience.

Back in my day (and for the generations before mine), it simply was that men did not get as involved in wedding planning, and family rearing, as they probably should have been.
So, what preraph said did apply to some of the relationships...but many/most of those couples also did go on to have life-long rewarding and happy marriages.

For me, it is heart-warming to see, in my step-sons, that these days both of the couple are taking equal interest in planning the wedding...but tests of the relationship are still happening...
...which I don't think means that the couple ought to reconsider their marriage...only to use it as ways to strengthen their bonds.

Ronni, I was not saying that couples should not get married if they don't both partake in wedding planning. While I personally prefer a man who is involved, there is absolutely nothing wrong with other couples splitting the work however they wish.


I was referring to the "testing your relationship to the limits" comment. That is entirely a different problem. IMO if planning a wedding is causing so very much contention between them that it literally becomes the most strenuous test of their relationship that they have yet encountered... either they have not been together for very long, or there are larger issues at hand.
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Old 23rd November 2018, 7:02 PM   #19
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Ronni, I was not saying that couples should not get married if they don't both partake in wedding planning. While I personally prefer a man who is involved, there is absolutely nothing wrong with other couples splitting the work however they wish.


I was referring to the "testing your relationship to the limits" comment. That is entirely a different problem. IMO if planning a wedding is causing so very much contention between them that it literally becomes the most strenuous test of their relationship that they have yet encountered... either they have not been together for very long, or there are larger issues at hand.
I have to strongly agree with this. Our wedding planning was frustrating at times, but it was nowhere near the most stressful or challenging thing we've experienced as a couple. The idea that wedding planning turns men into bozos and women into monsters is pure romcom fiction.
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Old 24th November 2018, 12:24 AM   #20
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Not at all if you marry to the right person!
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Old 24th November 2018, 9:58 AM   #21
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Although we had relatively few challenges with wedding planning I joked that it's a test to see if you are strong enough to get & stay married.

I love being married. Wedding planning sucked.
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Old 25th November 2018, 10:03 PM   #22
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I don't think anyone regrets having a beautiful wedding if that's important to them. We eloped and it was sad because neither of us wanted that. We would have had an intimate family wedding if my mother wasn't impossible to deal with. She wanted the wedding to reflect only HER wishes. We couldn't afford the wedding we wanted and we didn't want a long engagement. If my parents paid for our wedding, it would have been a huge production that my husband and I were not comfortable with.

Nevertheless, our elopement was beautiful for what it was. The setting was gorgeous and so were the pictures. We have planned vow renewals in the past but we always ended up spending the money on more important things.

I told my husband that I would like to have a black tie anniversary party at one of our favorite luxury hotels one day. We don't know when that will happen because we're too busy travelling and enjoying marriage instead of focusing on parties.
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Old 26th November 2018, 10:48 AM   #23
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I hate the COST associated with weddings. Everything seems 10x's more expensive the moment you stick a "wedding" label on it.

Perhaps try to think outside of conventional settings, etc. if you want an intimate wedding but don't want a HUGE price tag?

My only advice is to do what YOU want...not be influenced by what other people and family may expect you to do.
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Old 27th November 2018, 8:52 AM   #24
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I think it’s hard for me to internalize this “do what YOU want” mantra that I hear so often. Part of it is because when i think about what *I* want, I think about my dad walking me down the aisle, my future husband dancing with his mom, the grandmas looking on. In other words, I think about our families.

I also think about all our other guests, who will be travelling from across the country to be there, and wanting to make sure they are comfortable and have a good time. A wedding is such a social experience in my mind that I can’t separate what I want from what i want for everybody else.

For example, I love the outdoors. I can truly say I am happiest when I am outside, backpacking or doing something else challenging and exhausting. If I were to completely ignore other people’s preferences and expectations, I would probably opt to have the wedding off the side of a mountain, with everyone camping under the stars. Realistically, though, I realize this vision is not everyone’s (or, more like no one else’s) cup of tea. I’m not going to subject my family and guests to an experience they have no interest in just because it’s my idea of a great party- their comfort is far more important to me than that. (I may subject my bridesmaids to a camping bachelorette, though!)

So, it’s a struggle coming up with a vision that fits me and my future husband, but will make my guests happy, too.
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Old 27th November 2018, 8:55 AM   #25
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Look for a rustic venue with an outside space but indoor plumbing so your guests will be comfortable & you will get some of your outdoorsy stuff for your big day.
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Old 27th November 2018, 9:37 AM   #26
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Make your wedding what you want it to be. When our friends got married, they had multiple celebrations: a bar crawl on Thursday, a private ceremony on Friday for family only (they paid for out-of-town guests to visit local vineyards; some others just entertained themselves), a reception on Saturday, and a brunch Sunday. Everyone just RSVPd to the event that they were most interested in or able to attend. They had time with many more guests that way, too.

It is good that you're trying to find a vision that works and is meaningful to you both. Think on it as long as you want. For us, having a decadent party at the fancy cocktail bar where we had some of our first dates (and where he proposed) was a must. We worked backwards, too: how did we want guests to feel? What memories did we want them to leave with?

Sit down together and have a conversation, and see where things take you. Don't stress. The most important part is that it's something you both love.
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Old 22nd December 2018, 1:55 PM   #27
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It just adds up. Site fees, catering, alcohol, photography, rings... no matter what “affordable” options I look into, I seem to be looking at the same figure of about 22k for a wedding of 125. I know there are cheaper options than some of the ones I’m considering - places that let you byob and have small site fees, like a veteran’s hall or a local park- but even those options I’m estimating at 16-18k, and at that point I’d rather splurge for a nicer venue. I don’t have the time or inclination for a heavily diy affair.
If you're willing to keep things simple, there are options for spending a lot less on a wedding without having to do a ton of work on it. The best piece of advice I can offer is don't look for things with "wedding" in the name. There are caterers that offer full meals for parties and business functions, but charge a lot less than "wedding" caterers. There are nice looking venues where you can rent the space for five hours that cost a lot less than "wedding" venues. Even a wedding dress can cost a lot less if you're willing to shop for a white evening gown at a department store rather than looking at wedding dresses. A wedding is just a party. I went in with that attitude and mine was way less than what you're quoting. We printed out our own invitations, and created our own music list to play at the venue, but we had the food catered and kept decorations simple so the work was fairly minimal.

Last edited by devilish innocent; 22nd December 2018 at 1:58 PM..
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Old 25th December 2018, 5:31 AM   #28
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I wouldn't say I 'regret' my 'nice' wedding; but I am rather ambivalent about it.

A wedding was something I had never contemplated prior to actually becoming engaged. Given I'd never really thought about it I had no ideas or concepts that I had to have. Our families agreed to pay for the whole thing and when my MIL asked to help plan (she only had sons so was super eager) I pretty much let her have free reign. It was a relief TBH.

I still remember the horrified look on MIL's face when she asked me what kind of wedding cake I wanted and I responded, 'Ummmmm.... white?' The only things I ended up dealing with were mine and the bridesmaids' dresses.

Big wedding and reception for ~200 guests. Very elegant, and everyone seemed to have a good time. Our families were pleased as punch. But at the end of the day I could have lived without it and probably would have preferred to have eloped and skipped all the fuss.

OTOH, earlier this year I went to a family member's destination wedding in Italy. It was so atmospheric, stunning and romantic. And the couple were just glowing the whole day and night. And the next day at the recovery event. About 120 of us made the trek and I'm sure we'll all be reminiscing about just how beautiful it was for years to come. Most importantly, the happy couple most certainly will!

I can definitely see the attraction in small and simple, and larger and elaborate... and indeed no formal wedding at all! Just do what what best fits you.
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Old 29th December 2018, 7:57 PM   #29
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We had a fairly small but elegant wedding. Invited 110 and has 80 show. Like you, OP, I knew that the wedding wasn’t just about me or us, but about all of those we loved and wanted to share the day with. So while I focused on keeping it genuine to “us”, I also kept a focus on the joy of our guests and the important people in our lives. We got married in an outdoor venue with my brother-in-law (a judge) officiating and my nieces and sisters as “bridesmaids” (sisters were older, hence the quotes.) A friend served as photographer. We hired a local band, chose an extensive food menu from our favorite restaurant, selected local wi es and craft beers and had an indoor reception. Our costs were modest and we spent Money where it Mattered to us - food, drink and entertainment.

As others have said, we spent under our means as it wasn’t important to us to overspend and paid cash. We were also renovating our house at the same time so paying cash for everything.

Our wedding was spectacular but mostly because it was genuine to us. We just went to a wedding - over five years later - where the bride freely admitted that she copied our wedding because it felt so good to her, which was a huge compliment.

For us? Still the best day of our lives so far. I guess that’s what matters.
FYI, if numbers matter is was five years ago and $13,000 for 80 guests, so fairly modest.
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Old 29th December 2018, 10:07 PM   #30
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So while I focused on keeping it genuine to “us”, I also kept a focus on the joy of our guests and the important people in our lives.
Thanks, georgia girl! Since this thread started, I've actually been trying to figure this thing out, about my own wedding (and planning for it).
What you said is, for me, the bottom line...and it wasn't really conscious for me (until you crystallized it for me...now, 28 years - and the divorce - later).

I never ever doubted that our invited guests would not totally feel the joy of our -- the bride's and groom's -- day. That is, and it gives me goosebumps right now to know,
that I ONLY invited people whose only interest and focus and intention, for those 8-or-so hours out of their entire lives, was to make 'the wedding couple's day' as wonderful as possible.

I did not invite anybody else. As I said, not from some conscious space. But, even if I go back and 'check my memory book', even the person in attendance who most likely would have wanted me to fail
(my mom's sister, invited only out of my wrong sense of obligation to my mom) -- even that person actually did say the most supportive things that was possible to say to me on that specific day,
when I was feeling somewhat 'not worthy').

Point is, to OP. To not consider all the people, as only the most important people. They will reveal themselves to you, and then just take note of that. It changes over time.
Do your wedding your and your groom's way. Don't focus too much, right now, on what you think you know about everyone else, and/or how they feel about you and/or your groom.

Last edited by Ronni_W; 29th December 2018 at 10:13 PM.. Reason: Spellink
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