Does anyone regret having a nice wedding?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Hello LS,

 

I am recently engaged and in the early stages of planning my wedding. I’m in my early thirties, fiancée is late twenties, and it’s the first marriage for both of us.

 

I definitely know I want some kind of wedding, at least a small ceremony with just our immediate families, but ideally also including close friends and close extended family. By the time you count everyone up we’re looking at a minimum of 100-125 people. Not a big wedding by some standards, but I’m still getting used to wedding price tags. I have every intent to have a reasonablly modest affair, but still, the amount I was hoping we’d spend has already tripled as I research costs.

 

Now, we are financially very comfortable and my parents have also kindly offered to contribute an amount that would cover most of the cost. I’m their only daughter and they have been waiting to see me marry for a long time. So, money is not a huge issue, except it all still seems so wasteful to me. Thousands of dollars spent on just one day- and that doesn’t even include the expenses our guests will incur to travel to be there (almost everyone will be from out of town).

 

So my question is- do people regret their weddings? Or is it going to be the best day of my life and totally worth it and I should just stop worrying about it and enjoy?

[d0nnivain]

We had a huge, expensive wedding because that is what my parents wanted & they paid for it. Still I searched for bargains everywhere.

 

I don't regret because it brought them so much joy & the both passed a relatively short time later.

 

Do NOT go into debt for a wedding. Shop around. Use the internet. I got my wedding dress cash & carry at a discounter for $299. Granted the alterations cost $350 but it was still better then paying $2000 & getting "free" alternations. I got my veil on line for $12, rather then $400 in the store.

 

Think about what is important to you & don't let anybody "should" you. If you want wedding favors or matching linens, get them but you are under no obligation to get things that have cost but little value. People are happy to RSVP via e-mail rather than with paper responses which cost you for the card, the envelope & the stamp. Postage adds up.

 

Cut corners where you can. Think about off days when you can have the wedding & save money. We married on the Sunday of a 3 day weekend because Sunday was cheaper then Saturday. If I had it to do again I might get married on a weekday like July 3 to save even more. lol

 

The only thing I would encourage you to spend money on is the photographer / videographer because they will preserve your day. However, everybody has a cell phone & with social media you will get pictures you didn't even realize.

 

Make a budget; round up by 20% & go from there. In the end keep your eye on the ball -- your fiancé & your marriage. The rest is just details.

[lana-banana]

No, not at all. Our wedding was an incredible experience, and it's only been a little more than a year, but my husband still says "hey, remember that time we had the best wedding ever?" Our friends talk about it a lot too, especially in light of other weddings. Lots of couples told us we had the best wedding they'd ever attended because we just skipped the ceremony and went totally overboard on fancy food and drink.

 

The thing is, we had that vision in mind when we first discussed being engaged. If we hadn't specifically known we wanted an intimate but elaborate party at our favorite place, we might have just been content with the random courthouse marriage we did months before the actual party. A friend of ours had a $60k wedding for an enormous group with lots of beautiful decorations, flowers, etc...but it still felt like a generic wedding, just bigger. And they were divorced before 18 months anyway. Like d0nnovain says, it's really about the marriage. If you don't care a lot about any aspect of the wedding, don't do it. But if you do, whether it's a few friends or a lavish banquet or dancing all night, then try to make it happen. It won't feel wasteful in retrospect.

 

(And many congratulations!)

[Simple Logic]

I am sure many people will have a different opinion, but the average wedding ceremony, while important in your life, lasts about a whooping 20-30 minutes.

Everything else is preparation, which takes an extraordinary amount of effort, and a celebration afterwards. At the end of the day you will be exhausted both physically and emotionally and realize how much work you put into such a short event.

 

Understand many of the people you invite will not attend because other commitments. Add to this that most people today could really care less about watching you exchange vows, but enjoy the celebration with family and friends.

 

What you do with your husband for a honeymoon in my view is more important because this is the real beginning of your marriage.

[preraph]

The irony of planning a wedding is it tests your bond to the limits with your future spouse, but at the same time locks you into marrying them anyway after you see that side of them.

 

I say if the parents want to spend the money and want a wedding and it's not hardship for them, then have a wedding. But every price is inflated for venue, photographers, every little thing just because it's a wedding, which is a big ripoff. I think if it were me I'd plan so far ahead I could grow my own lillies and just buy inexpensive vases or bind them for display. The flowers are ridiculous and last no longer than the wedding itself. I always hated things that had a long lead up to them and then were over. I never wanted a wedding. I always wanted to go to the justice of the peace and then on a nice honeymoon. Dress prices are way up there these days. The worst thing is you can hardly find long sleeves that aren't see through, IMO. Even when young and thin, I hated sleeveless dresses. There's actually an Amish wedding dress site with lots of long sleeves. I liked what Heather Locklear got married in, a white suit with miniskirt. I watch Say Yes to the Dress some and my favorite dress on there was the black one the bride really wanted by was pressured out of. I imagine it's just as well I didn't try to get married. My mother would have had a stroke no matter what I did.

 

It's your day and your fiance's day, so you two decide what you both want. It sounds like you have options. I would just plead on behalf of working poor everywhere not to do anything that requires your guests to spend much money. It's not their day and they have things they'd rather spend it on than destination weddings and a dress they can never wear again. I'm glad you're thinking about that angle.

[mrs rubble]

I have been married twice, my first wedding was a simple courthouse ceremony which set us back $28. We told the family afterwards. We had planned on having a casual ceremony and party at home a few months later for family and friends, however his mother and sister hit the roof and declared that they were not going to come as we'd already gone ahead and done it without their knowledge/blessing and it was "wrong", so we never did anything else, and they never forgave me....interestingly he wasn't at fault for any of this?? Go figure!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My second wedding 2 years ago cost 10K, we had 100 guests, a full buffet dinner, and live band. The main expense was alcohol and catering. We were lucky enough to get the venue for free, I used my own sports car as one wedding car and a friends for the other. Other friends made our cake as a wedding gift. We had 2 friends who are photographers take photo's as a wedding gift, and my brother in law videoed it for free as he does professional DVD's as part of his work. My dress cost $300. We had the most incredible day, neither of us regret spending what we did. It was magical to have family and friends turn up from all over the world, I will never forget it and besides the birth of my sons it was the happiest day of my life.

[Ronni_W]

So my question is- do people regret their weddings? Or is it going to be the best day of my life and totally worth it and I should just stop worrying about it and enjoy?

You'll not be able to foresee how the day is going to turn out, no matter what type of event you plan. But, my experience: I started off wanting something very small, in our back-yard...maybe with a tent in case of bad weather. Ended up in a much bigger production, still intimate at about 100 guests, in a church, banquet hall, etc. No pressure from anybody; it just sort of morphed from within me.

 

It was the best day of my life! (And, stuff went wrong, including the photog didn't show up until much later, and the hall misplaced my wedding cake.)

I'm long divorced, but that still is always going to be one of my 'highlight days' of this lifetime.

 

Still, though, it's such a very personal life event, I would offer to just follow your own intuition/instincts...at the end of the day, that's really all that I did.

 

Congrats, and wishing you and your groom a wonderful day!

[Els]

Congratulations, OP.

 

Personally, I think there's a balance to be had. We did splurge on our wedding - it wasn't "lavish" by any means, but we chose exactly the venue and day that we wanted, which came with pretty significant costs (for instance, our venue doesn't allow BYO alcohol). We also didn't skimp on anything that was significant to us - the photographer, or food, or conveniences like a day-of coordinator.

 

Zero regrets whatsoever. It was a fantastic day and we loved the photos and the memories of the day. We still reminisce about it often. It's the kind of thing that I believe we will truly cherish forever.

 

But, we also didn't go all out financially. We only spent about 50% of our savings. While that's still a pretty hefty sum, we have plenty left, and we are quite confident that with our current jobs, we will recoup the cost easily within the next year. I feel that people need to think really carefully before dumping all their savings on a wedding, and I STRONGLY feel that people should not go into debt for a wedding. Debt isn't a pleasant place to start a marriage.

 

Ultimately, I'd advise you to do what you (and your fiancee) truly want to do, after careful thought and discussion. I know that nowadays there's a bit of reverse-snobbery over wedding costs - people like to boast about spending next to nothing and look down at people who do splurge on thiers. But at the end of the day, the only person whose opinion matters is the two of you.

Edited November 20, 2018 by Elswyth

[Els]

I am sure many people will have a different opinion, but the average wedding ceremony, while important in your life, lasts about a whooping 20-30 minutes.

Everything else is preparation, which takes an extraordinary amount of effort, and a celebration afterwards. At the end of the day you will be exhausted both physically and emotionally and realize how much work you put into such a short event.

 

 

This wasn't how we viewed it, and not how many of the couples I know viewed theirs, either. I know couples who have been together for years or even decades, who still think back on their wedding day with a smile, and who still look at their wedding photos. When I talked to older friends about wedding planning, it was fantastic to see how they smiled or how happy they were to talk about their wedding day.

 

 

 

The day may be over, but the memories remain. (Of course, this comes with the "balance" caveat that I mentioned above)

[Wallysbears]

Ugh...the pricetags for weddings are insane!

 

do what YOU want to do as a couple. Not what families, etc. want you to do. It is YOUR wedding.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I would never consider going into debt. But I could still see other ways to spend that money- for example, as a down payment on a small rental property, which we might have to put off for a little while. The wedding won’t impact our ability to buy a house in the timeframe we’re aiming for or to start a family.

 

It just adds up. Site fees, catering, alcohol, photography, rings... no matter what “affordable” options I look into, I seem to be looking at the same figure of about 22k for a wedding of 125. I know there are cheaper options than some of the ones I’m considering - places that let you byob and have small site fees, like a veteran’s hall or a local park- but even those options I’m estimating at 16-18k, and at that point I’d rather splurge for a nicer venue. I don’t have the time or inclination for a heavily diy affair.

 

I know it’s supposed to be about what we want, but I think it’s hard for me because I never was the type to fantasize about my wedding- something I used to be almost proud of, but what’s biting me in the butt now. I wish I had an image in my mind, but I can see the upsides and downsides to a lot of different options. At the end of the day all I know is I want the ceremony in a church and for all our family to be around for the reception. Everything else is just details. Details which need to be figured out soon since we’re aiming for next summer...

[d0nnivain]

Keep shopping on the venue & remember that there is something to be said for convenience, especially on such a hectic day, you really don't want to be dealing with DIY.

[Els]

I would never consider going into debt. But I could still see other ways to spend that money- for example, as a down payment on a small rental property, which we might have to put off for a little while. The wedding won’t impact our ability to buy a house in the timeframe we’re aiming for or to start a family.

 

It just adds up. Site fees, catering, alcohol, photography, rings... no matter what “affordable” options I look into, I seem to be looking at the same figure of about 22k for a wedding of 125. I know there are cheaper options than some of the ones I’m considering - places that let you byob and have small site fees, like a veteran’s hall or a local park- but even those options I’m estimating at 16-18k, and at that point I’d rather splurge for a nicer venue. I don’t have the time or inclination for a heavily diy affair.

 

I know it’s supposed to be about what we want, but I think it’s hard for me because I never was the type to fantasize about my wedding- something I used to be almost proud of, but what’s biting me in the butt now. I wish I had an image in my mind, but I can see the upsides and downsides to a lot of different options. At the end of the day all I know is I want the ceremony in a church and for all our family to be around for the reception. Everything else is just details. Details which need to be figured out soon since we’re aiming for next summer...

 

 

It's great that you've figured out the bolded. If that's your (and your fiancee's) priority, then spend only what is needed to achieve what you want. Perhaps you could consider a morning ceremony and lunchtime reception, which would be a lot cheaper (although you'd have to be up MONSTROUSLY early for the hair and makeup in that case!). You could also only have the photographer around for only the ceremony, which would save a lot of money.

 

 

That said, it's true that prices for everything do get hiked up insanely for weddings. That's why it's so important to decide on a few things that are REALLY important to you, so that you splurge on those but save on everything else.

 

 

We had a very small bridal party, a small guest list, no live music, and I got my gown for much cheaper than the average around here. So, massive savings there. But we did splurge on the things we truly wanted.

[beatcuff]

So my question is- do people regret their weddings? Or is it going to be the best day of my life and totally worth it and I should just stop worrying about it and enjoy?

both our parents gave us $10k total and said do what you want. we had a big wedding (it was the thing back then - 25 years): 250 guests, spent way to much, while our friends (same circle) of 20 or so had a great time, we ending up saying 'hi' to people either she didn't know, i didn't or worse neither of us did. her parents had an 'after party' at their house and it was simple, 50 or people (including all our friends), they had a bartender, basically a 'mixed tape' music on the stereo and no set end time. i wished we saved our money and did just the after party. it was much better hanging with our friends and close family.

 

start thinking outside the box ---you can still have a 'destination' wedding without the expense --- have it at a LOCAL beach or mountain vista or whatever is your favorite location. at most there is a small 'permit' fee to use it or go rebel and just do it (understanding while you can't force non-invites away nearly all will just assume you have permission or 'not want to ruin your day'). too many get caught up (we did and sounds like you are heading there) what you think others would like rather than sensible choices.

 

the biggest advice --- 'opportunity cost' --- every dollar you spend on this ONE EVENT can not be used elsewhere: a better home, car, children, a second vacation...

Edited November 22, 2018 by beatcuff
punctuation

[Els]

The irony of planning a wedding is it tests your bond to the limits with your future spouse, but at the same time locks you into marrying them anyway after you see that side of them.

 

 

I never understood this. Sure, there were some stressful times (which comes with the territory of undertaking a big project together of any sort), but we have many happy memories of the time spent planning together as well - it was more good than bad. And even the stressful times were MUCH less tough than some of the life circumstances we have endured together over the years. I'd put it at the same level as moving to a new location together or travelling for a few weeks together, and WAY under the level of, say, enduring financial difficulty or illness or bereavement together.

 

If a couple truly thinks that planning a wedding "tested their bonds to the limit", I really don't think that couple should be getting married.

[Gaeta]

I had a big military wedding with 200 guests that my then husband paid by himself. Such wedding had been unseen in our little hometown and people spoke about it for years.

 

 

 

Since then we divorced, and he died, and 30 some years later I still keep hold of my wedding photo albums. It's still a good memory to me. Last year I visited my ex-mother-in-law, she is now 85 years old, she brought me in her bedroom to show me she still had our wedding picture on her bedroom wall. Gosh I can't beleive that makes me tear up :-). Yes beautiful weddings are worth it.

[Ronni_W]

If a couple truly thinks that planning a wedding "tested their bonds to the limit", I really don't think that couple should be getting married.

Given the wide age gap of our LoveShack community, I think that this observation may be too over-generalized to fit everybody's experience.

 

Back in my day (and for the generations before mine), it simply was that men did not get as involved in wedding planning, and family rearing, as they probably should have been.

So, what preraph said did apply to some of the relationships...but many/most of those couples also did go on to have life-long rewarding and happy marriages.

 

For me, it is heart-warming to see, in my step-sons, that these days both of the couple are taking equal interest in planning the wedding...but tests of the relationship are still happening...

...which I don't think means that the couple ought to reconsider their marriage...only to use it as ways to strengthen their bonds.

[Els]

Given the wide age gap of our LoveShack community, I think that this observation may be too over-generalized to fit everybody's experience.

 

Back in my day (and for the generations before mine), it simply was that men did not get as involved in wedding planning, and family rearing, as they probably should have been.

So, what preraph said did apply to some of the relationships...but many/most of those couples also did go on to have life-long rewarding and happy marriages.

 

For me, it is heart-warming to see, in my step-sons, that these days both of the couple are taking equal interest in planning the wedding...but tests of the relationship are still happening...

...which I don't think means that the couple ought to reconsider their marriage...only to use it as ways to strengthen their bonds.

 

 

Ronni, I was not saying that couples should not get married if they don't both partake in wedding planning. While I personally prefer a man who is involved, there is absolutely nothing wrong with other couples splitting the work however they wish.

 

 

I was referring to the "testing your relationship to the limits" comment. That is entirely a different problem. IMO if planning a wedding is causing so very much contention between them that it literally becomes the most strenuous test of their relationship that they have yet encountered... either they have not been together for very long, or there are larger issues at hand.

[lana-banana]

Ronni, I was not saying that couples should not get married if they don't both partake in wedding planning. While I personally prefer a man who is involved, there is absolutely nothing wrong with other couples splitting the work however they wish.

 

 

I was referring to the "testing your relationship to the limits" comment. That is entirely a different problem. IMO if planning a wedding is causing so very much contention between them that it literally becomes the most strenuous test of their relationship that they have yet encountered... either they have not been together for very long, or there are larger issues at hand.

 

I have to strongly agree with this. Our wedding planning was frustrating at times, but it was nowhere near the most stressful or challenging thing we've experienced as a couple. The idea that wedding planning turns men into bozos and women into monsters is pure romcom fiction.

[lisamagdalena]

Not at all if you marry to the right person!

[d0nnivain]

Although we had relatively few challenges with wedding planning I joked that it's a test to see if you are strong enough to get & stay married.

 

I love being married. Wedding planning sucked.

[BettyDraper]

I don't think anyone regrets having a beautiful wedding if that's important to them. We eloped and it was sad because neither of us wanted that. We would have had an intimate family wedding if my mother wasn't impossible to deal with. She wanted the wedding to reflect only HER wishes. We couldn't afford the wedding we wanted and we didn't want a long engagement. If my parents paid for our wedding, it would have been a huge production that my husband and I were not comfortable with.

 

Nevertheless, our elopement was beautiful for what it was. The setting was gorgeous and so were the pictures. We have planned vow renewals in the past but we always ended up spending the money on more important things.

 

I told my husband that I would like to have a black tie anniversary party at one of our favorite luxury hotels one day. We don't know when that will happen because we're too busy travelling and enjoying marriage instead of focusing on parties.

[Wallysbears]

I hate the COST associated with weddings. Everything seems 10x's more expensive the moment you stick a "wedding" label on it.

 

Perhaps try to think outside of conventional settings, etc. if you want an intimate wedding but don't want a HUGE price tag?

 

My only advice is to do what YOU want...not be influenced by what other people and family may expect you to do.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think it’s hard for me to internalize this “do what YOU want” mantra that I hear so often. Part of it is because when i think about what *I* want, I think about my dad walking me down the aisle, my future husband dancing with his mom, the grandmas looking on. In other words, I think about our families.

 

I also think about all our other guests, who will be travelling from across the country to be there, and wanting to make sure they are comfortable and have a good time. A wedding is such a social experience in my mind that I can’t separate what I want from what i want for everybody else.

 

For example, I love the outdoors. I can truly say I am happiest when I am outside, backpacking or doing something else challenging and exhausting. If I were to completely ignore other people’s preferences and expectations, I would probably opt to have the wedding off the side of a mountain, with everyone camping under the stars. Realistically, though, I realize this vision is not everyone’s (or, more like no one else’s) cup of tea. I’m not going to subject my family and guests to an experience they have no interest in just because it’s my idea of a great party- their comfort is far more important to me than that. (I may subject my bridesmaids to a camping bachelorette, though!)

 

So, it’s a struggle coming up with a vision that fits me and my future husband, but will make my guests happy, too.

[d0nnivain]

Look for a rustic venue with an outside space but indoor plumbing so your guests will be comfortable & you will get some of your outdoorsy stuff for your big day.