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I tested my fiancé and he gave me this answer....I am stunned.


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Old 1st November 2018, 5:11 PM   #1
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I tested my fiancé and he gave me this answer....I am stunned.

My fiancé and I have been engaged for 4 years. We have had a rough relationship. It's up and down. We separated finances over a year ago because I felt he was being financially abusive. We broke up and when we reunited, I set that as a stipulation.

In the past year, I have built a start up company. He initially told me I was not worth my time (even though it had cross over in his area of expertise). He told me that I should stick to my "day job". He refused to help me.

Then, by the grace of God I got a small amount of help/investor money. (He wouldn't help me get a line of credit...knowing that he prevented me from getting a better credit score after my divorce because HE was controlling ALL the credit and prohibiting me from getting a new card to reestablish myself).

Anyway, I thought all was taking off. But the money went fast. I started searching high and low for more investors. I also applied for a grant/very low interest loan from a non-profit that helps start ups in my niche.

To my relief, they granted me a 1.5 MILLION dollar loan -- with only half to be payed back at 3% interest. It was AMAZING.

He didn't seem extremely sincere in his happiness for me. But I left it alone. Well, I found out that in order for them to grant me this grant -- I needed to have a balance in my business checking of 25k. The reason is because I had a letter of intent from a client but their money hadn't come in yet. The person in charge told me it was just fine for me to take money from family or friends to get this done. They stated this in writing for my lawyers. The problem is I don't have 25k.

So I asked him for help. He is struggling in his own business but he has credit cards with 50k lines of credit AND he has 500k in his retirement. He told me that he couldn't help me and the fact that I even ASKED Him for money was a huge red flag to him regarding me and my ethics.

I said look. I will get funded in 3 DAYS! You will have it back in 3 DAYS. I will pay you back any penalties you might incur. PLEASE help me. I will get the deal of a lifetime! I was granted this....

He said no. Sorry. Can't help. Told me that my pressure on him was making him very sick to his stomach and he couldn't take anymore from me. End of story.

I pretended to give up....but I called my Mom (who I talk to 2 times year at most) and my ex husband. Both said absolutely...how can I help you. We want you to succeed! So I have the money in place and I"m supposed to receive my grant next week.

I am relieved but I am also horrified that my fiancé treated me this way. I started making excuses in my head for him... he said that I was putting his future at risk by asking this... (not true)..... I offered to pay ALL fees and even give him a bonus. Whatever he wanted. I was allowed to pay this back when I receive the funds.

I feel like the woman who was shown pictures of their spouse cheating and not doing anything about it. I have the evidence. He is angry that I'm upset that I (allegedly) didn't get the funding....he said that I didn't want that loan anyway because I could end up bankrupt. That I should go after investor money instead...so others lose money and I don't have to worry about repayment.

I want to know how others would feel about this? It's unreal to me. If I REALLY didn't get the money ..... I know I would be a heap of a mess right now. I almost feel that I'm not living reality because I made it happen.

He never offered to talk his family...or ANYONE. He just said no.
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Old 1st November 2018, 5:42 PM   #2
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This is why money is the leading cause of divorce. Finances have already driven you & him apart at least once during this 4 year engagement. Sounds like he is not generous of spirit & that he resents your success. I'd take long hard look at why you are in this relationship & what you are getting out of it.
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Old 1st November 2018, 6:01 PM   #3
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Marriage is a business contract, thinly disguised as something more. Business contracts require comanaging of money. He is clearly not interested in doing that. Marriage to him would be a complete sham, besides all the problems the lack of trust and cooperation and communication will cause.



This guy might be good for a short to medium term fling but there's no long term future with him and I think you know this. So have fun but know there's an endpoint and it's not when one of you die.
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Old 1st November 2018, 6:19 PM   #4
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I wouldn't expect anyone you're not married to to front you any big amounts of money. I just don't believe in it until you're married. Plus you yourself were already tired of how he was with money, so you separated yours. I'm sure that made him mad, so now you're asking him for money and he's delighting in not giving it to you since you are who severed him from your money before. Which, I might add, was absolutely the right thing to do. Don't mix money with anyone you're not married to AND absolutely trust -- and even if you're married, if you don't trust them with your money or you don't trust them that they won't be highly retaliatory should a divorce come up, then don't mix money beyond maybe buying a house together -- and everything should be spelled out on paper by an attorney to protect you both.

I don't see how you can ever mix money with this guy. I mean, what if he comes to you next year for a loan and you either give it or don't -- that's going to bring all this back up again and someone or both will be resentful.

If you are staying with him because he's great every other way, then keep it all separated forever and if you buy a home together, both of your names go on the title. Don't have him cosign anything and don't you do it either. Good luck with your business.
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Old 1st November 2018, 6:21 PM   #5
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Your complaint is not really related to money... although, I know the problem was you needed a short term loan.

Rather, your issues are related to the fact that he has been controlling with money, he has not been supportive of your dream, he is not generous when you need assistance and he has the ability to help, and this relationship is not a partnership.

You are right to be concerned as these are pretty important things if you hope to have a happy marriage with a worthy life partner. You have some serious thinking to do before walking down the aisle and promising to love each other, through richer and poorer, until death do you part...
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Old 1st November 2018, 7:54 PM   #6
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Although I think your dissapointment is legitimate to an extent, I think you knew this was going to happen. He was financially abusive and then you put that stipulation to reunite, but you never asked him to be supportive on your time of need. You told him to leave your money alone and that's exactly what he's doing.

Also he probably knows that most startups end up failing and thinks you are being foolish in investing "your" money (he doesn't know it's not yours afaik) and your time on this endeavor. When you asked him for money he probably saw that as a bad investment, not an opportunity to support you.
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Old 1st November 2018, 8:16 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by harrell1975 View Post
We separated finances over a year ago because I felt he was being financially abusive.
And you're pissed he won't give you 25K. As far as he is concerned you reaped what you sowed. My guess is if you have success with your business all this financial tit for tat will just snowball. If you don't have success you will have proven him right.
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Old 1st November 2018, 8:20 PM   #8
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I offered to pay ALL fees and even give him a bonus. Whatever he wanted. I was allowed to pay this back when I receive the funds.
Harrell, this is a $25K loan you're asking for. Given your already strained financial compatibility, I don't think he was wrong for saying No

Out of curiosity, what security did you offer on the loan? And what repayment contract did you have drawn up? Given the large amount of financial distrust between you, it would be imperative to have this loan and repayment formalised.
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Old 1st November 2018, 8:49 PM   #9
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Being a guy here, if my fiancee asked for 25K, and she didn't have a substance abuse issue, it would be a done deal. Find another...this will be a source of constant friction and problems. You WILL NOT change him...either accept it or move on.
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Old 1st November 2018, 9:02 PM   #10
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I said look. I will get funded in 3 DAYS! You will have it back in 3 DAYS.
Wish I had all the money I've loaned children, friends and family members who were going to pay me back in 3 DAYS...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 1st November 2018, 9:05 PM   #11
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For the life of me, I can’t imagine why you’re surprised by his actions. The two of you are at odds for some of the most key things in a relationship and yet you persist with this jerk. End the engagement and get away from him. His attitude is one of control and meanness. Why the heck do you want that in your life?
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Old 1st November 2018, 9:48 PM   #12
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Wish I had all the money I've loaned children, friends and family members who were going to pay me back in 3 DAYS...

Mr. Lucky
Exactly. Between the adage about not lending any money that you can’t afford to lose, my history in banking and too much Judge Judy, I can’t fathom lending this sort of money without security and a legally enforceable contract.
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Old 1st November 2018, 10:28 PM   #13
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Exactly. Between the adage about not lending any money that you can’t afford to lose, my history in banking and too much Judge Judy, I can’t fathom lending this sort of money without security and a legally enforceable contract.
He’s knows she’s trustworthy and knows she’s getting the grant. If he really did it out of distrust, then he doesn’t need to be with her. He refused to give her the money because he’s a control freak and likes making her feel lesser. He would also be jealous of any success she might have.
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Old 2nd November 2018, 12:17 AM   #14
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He’s knows she’s trustworthy and knows she’s getting the grant.
Have to remember money has been a source of contention in the relationship since day one. Under those circumstances, $25K is a chunk of change.

I'm glad things worked out financially for the OP...

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Old 2nd November 2018, 12:17 AM   #15
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He’s knows she’s trustworthy and knows she’s getting the grant. If he really did it out of distrust, then he doesn’t need to be with her. He refused to give her the money because he’s a control freak and likes making her feel lesser. He would also be jealous of any success she might have.
I wouldn't lend this amount of money even to someone I trusted without either a marriage certificate or formalised loan agreement with security.
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