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a nudge or a shove - or nothing.


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 25th October 2018, 2:21 AM   #1
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a nudge or a shove - or nothing.

My son 30 has been dating a girl since just after college graduation. He bought a house and started a business which is dong well. She works in the financial field making 125K After 7 years their still dating. My son says their talking about marriage she will be a good mother we can have a good life, but then there are the days they have fought, Ive seen a few, their not pretty. She verbally degrades him, he tries to placate her until hes angry and leaves.

I've seen some of the fights, their awful many times she is drunk. The thing is my husband and me fight, especially in the beginning of the relationship. Always verbal, lots of yelling, slamming of phones or doors. W eve mellowed with time,but can still have a good dust up every now and then. But my husband always knew we would get married and even when we separated he Knew we would be back together. It concerns me because my son honestly seems to want to continue living as they are. He doesn't want to change the relationship. The best I get from him is were talking about it. She comes over on weekends but doesn't live there. She pays none of the bills or cleans up. If they go out he pays for everything. I don't blame her, I don't want to see her waste her life waiting for him. Shouldn't he know by now??

I don't want to but in, but I don't want him to get married because of being pressured. Any practical tips for helping someone choose their path.

My thoughts have been breakup for 6 weeks and see how you feel. Then date and decide. Or just shut up and hope they work it out.
Hard Momma Moment.
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Old 25th October 2018, 8:39 AM   #2
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I would think that he should know by now that she is not the one... why would he ever want to marry a woman who degraded him and is abusive toward him when they fight? That’s not a predictor of a happy or healthy marriage.

If they have been dating for seven years and they still don’t live together/share life’s responsibilities, this relationship is going nowhere. If they do get married, it will only be because “it’s time...” otherwise, this relationship has stopped progressing (another sign it is unhealthy).

If it was my mother, she would definitely talk with us - not to tell us what to do but to impart some wisdom and start some thinking. Ultimately, it is his decision...
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Old 25th October 2018, 11:21 AM   #3
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I have talked to both of them individually and one time broke up a fight between them. She immediately calmed down. I am not saying my son is completely innocent and I know sheís frustrated about not being engaged. But at the same time isnít his hesitant the answer he needs.

My fear is I become very blunt with him and he marries her anyways. Then I am shunned.

I have talked with him about how to choose, do you miss her, is she the one you canít wait to tell good or bad news too, is sex good, do you love her?

His response she will be a good mother and being in love hasnít worked that well for me in the past. (His 2 previous relationships he was very much in love and heís right, didnít work out so well )

Yet still he doesnít make the break from her. I almost worry more about her status then his. Sheís 30, and wants kids. If he doesnít want to marry her he needs to break up. I almost wonder if heís waiting for her to do it. Idk.
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Old 25th October 2018, 12:04 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Mycatsnuggles View Post
His response she will be a good mother and being in love hasnít worked that well for me in the past. (His 2 previous relationships he was very much in love and heís right, didnít work out so well )

Yet still he doesnít make the break from her. I almost worry more about her status then his. Sheís 30, and wants kids. If he doesnít want to marry her he needs to break up. I almost wonder if heís waiting for her to do it. Idk.
Mycatsnuggles, whatever substance you're going to impart to him, you've had 30 years to do so. He obviously knows how you feel so it's time to let go and let him.

Back off, butt out and let your adult son handle his own personal business. He either will - or he won't, up to him....

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Old 25th October 2018, 12:36 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Mycatsnuggles View Post
I have talked with him about how to choose, do you miss her, is she the one you canít wait to tell good or bad news too, is sex good, do you love her?

Yet still he doesnít make the break from her. I almost worry more about her status then his. Sheís 30, and wants kids.
If youíve had these conversations, hen you have done your job. The rest is out of your control.

As hard as it is, you need to let it go. They will make their own mistakes, and they will find their own way. Remember, she is also a grown woman, capable of making a different decision if this relationship is not meeting her needs. You are likely not the only person counselling her. I know someone in a similar situation - her friends and family have been counselling her for years not to waste her opportunity with a man who has told her that he doesnít want children. She is 40 now, and she stayed in the relationship. Hard to understand, but it is her life and it was her decision.

You sound like a kind and loving mama. Best wishes to you.
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Old 25th October 2018, 5:29 PM   #6
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If she gets the best of him in arguments like it sounds, he probably IS waiting for her to break up with him rather than have a confrontation. Doesn't sound to me like they ought to marry, but that's up to them. Like you said, some of this was normal for you and your man, so that's what was modeled to him and what he learned. Actions teach more than words. Not much to be done now unless he asks you for input.
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