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Driving myself crazy as to when he will propose


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 16th October 2018, 1:56 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by snowflake123 View Post
My boyfriend and I are in our early 30’s and have been together for over 2 years, living together just over a year. I have thought he was going to propose a couple of times (my birthday, anniversary, etc). and of course was completely disappointed when it didn't happen. He didn't say he would, I just in my head thought it would. I do struggle with anxiety and tend to overthink and catastrophize things. We’ve had a few conversations and before when I asked him if he wanted to get married he would say one day. Now I have asked him if he wants to get married he says yes, I've asked when he will propose and he says he doesn't want to give a date and time. I tell him that I would like it to happen within the next year a year and he said he is on the same page. He said he has thought of how he would propose and doesn't seem scared to talk about it, but we've had this conversation a couple of times over the last few months and he still hasn't proposed. He does say he is committed to me and wants this too but wont tell me when he is going to do it. I’m giving myself so much anxiety just thinking it will never happen. He makes me happy and we have a great relationship, and the last thing I want to do is pressure him or ruin our relationship. How do I just stop thinking about it and let it happen when it happens? I’m worried I'm wasting my time. He has expressed to me that I'm not but I can't help but stress. I recently turned 31 and I want children (not now but within a few years hopefully). How do I just relax? What should I do?

Buy a ring and propose to him. Did he know that you were entering a relationship with him with the intent purpose of getting married and having kids? If the guy knows the woman is interested in marriage,

and considering how short of a window a woman's fertility is, he knows that by 30 her fertility has already suffered a huge decline, and that it will begin to lose more and more fertility as the years go past the age of 30.

Which makes me think that maybe he's not that interested in getting married and having kids because if he did, he'd have kick started that ball game already by proposing marriage to you.

Last edited by sabaton; 16th October 2018 at 2:21 PM..
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Old 16th October 2018, 5:36 PM   #32
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Which makes me think that maybe he's not that interested in getting married and having kids because if he did, he'd have kick started that ball game already by proposing marriage to you.
So if you "buy a ring and propose to him", aren't you asking someone to marry you who is at least hesitant, if not reluctant?

Women in the OP's situation already have an answer to their question. It's just not the one they want to hear ...

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Old 16th November 2018, 9:10 AM   #33
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Snowflake

I am the mothe of a man very similar to yours. Dating the women for 5 years, lived together for 3. For the last 2 and half years they have been discussing marriage. Where to live, how many and when to have kids, how to pay for the wedding. All talk no actual plans arranged. Oh by the way he has his great grandmothers 2.2 carrot diamond ring so np there. But no engagement. He tells me by the end of the year. Iím not asking any more. My feeling is heís waiting for her to break up because he is scared to get married.

If you were my daughter I would tell you to look for a new place to live, start packing your things and move out right after Christmas. Tell him I understand your unsure and I want to give you the time and space you need. Iím doing what is best for me. End it. Donít threaten or manipulate. End it. Move your life forward. He or may not come along, you canít control his actions, you can only control your own.
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Old 4th January 2019, 1:32 AM   #34
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Much like a wedding, I think a proposal is simply the formal/ceremonial ritual of officially asking the person, but, more or less as a couple, you've already discussed that you want to marry each other and have definitely agreed in concrete terms that that's the next step.

My partner and I have recently gotten to the stage where we're like yes we definitely want to be married to each other, and more or less proposed in words to each other and have agreed that that's the commitment we're making. Now we're planning how we want things to go in terms of our careers, living together, we've asked each other about rings, finances, what we would like in a wedding etc. So at this point, only the actual day of the formal asking with a ring might be a surprise (or maybe not a surprise at all).

All that so say, I wouldn't worry about is it happening or not as a big surprise, but I'd try talking more seriously about your future plans as a couple, as getting married is a mutual arrangement that isn't just one person surprise asking you when you have never agreed on it or even discussed it seriously. My partner was just as excited as I am to talk about marriage and it's something we discussed often and think about in terms of "when we get married, when we buy our house, when we have kids..." so there is no surprise there that this is our mutual goal. I think maybe paying more attention to whether you're on the same page or not will take away some of the anxiety of waiting for a surprise. Because you'll already have the security of knowing this is something that will happen instead of "maybe one day."
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Old 5th January 2019, 5:28 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Here it is easy.
The OP is 31, she wants kids and I guess does not want them out of wedlock. If this is going to be a dead end, she needs to know as soon as possible. Getting over this relationship finding a new man and getting married may take another 3-4+ years, 3-4+ years makes her 34-35, at 35 her fertility is waning, getting pregnant may be more difficult and if she wants a brood, she may struggle...

Men do not have this problem at 31, they can free wheel for years and then pick up speed when they like.
Women especially over 30 need to more focused on the road ahead.
This is very true. I don't think OP will force the man to marry her, she just want to know if he wants to or not. This way she won't miss out on other guys ho might actually want to get married. I think its extremely unfair for men (or women) to waste someone's time pretending like they want marriage when they don't.
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Old 12th February 2019, 1:42 PM   #36
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Personally I think you are worried over nothing. He told you he wants to get married, but if you keep bringing it up you will actually DELAY things. Men percoeve this as pressure and get freaked out (even if they dont let on that they are pressured). Stop talking about anything marriage, proposal and wedding related and set an internal deadline that if no ring shows up a year from now with the new ďno marriage related talkĒ then you will reassass the situation and go from there. I would advise against ultimatums or threats. They dont work.

I know how you feel as my boyfriend is wishy washy about marriage too and says he doesnt know. I am trying to come to terms with that and what I should do about it. My boyfriend is pretty certain he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, just marriage isnt included as part of the package. I know its a hard thing to deal with. Good luck!
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Old 12th February 2019, 6:20 PM   #37
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My boyfriend is pretty certain he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, just marriage isnt included as part of the package. I know its a hard thing to deal with. Good luck!
Given the legal, financial and social advantages of marriage, especially if kids involved, how does he support that position? In other words, what commitment does marriage represent that "spend the rest of his life with" you does not ?

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Old 13th February 2019, 12:42 PM   #38
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Given the legal, financial and social advantages of marriage, especially if kids involved, how does he support that position? In other words, what commitment does marriage represent that "spend the rest of his life with" you does not ?

Mr. Lucky
Trust me I agree with you. But I didnt get burned in my divorce the way my boyfriend did either so its not black and white.
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Old 13th February 2019, 12:54 PM   #39
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But I didnt get burned in my divorce the way my boyfriend did either so its not black and white.
Sure it is, you're not his ex-wife. His anger should be with her, not the institution of marriage...

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Old 13th February 2019, 1:53 PM   #40
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Sure it is, you're not his ex-wife. His anger should be with her, not the institution of marriage...

Mr. Lucky
I dont want to hijack someone elseís thread..if you want to give me advice I did start a thread about this topic in the dating section fyi. Thanks
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Old 13th February 2019, 9:52 PM   #41
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Good point. Will do...

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Old 14th February 2019, 10:12 PM   #42
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Since the OP has been MIA since October, we will shut this one down.

Thanks all for your input.
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