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Driving myself crazy as to when he will propose


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Old 3rd October 2018, 5:53 PM   #16
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I have read about oh maybe 6 trillion threads about this very same thing. Why wont he propose? When will he propose? He says he wants to get married, but no proposal? Says he'll propose next year, he didnt? Thought he'd propose at Christmas but he didnt, so when?

There is no bigger kick the can down the road issue then when will he propose. Because unless a guy really wants to get married, really really wants to, then he's probably scared to death to, and likely will keep kicking this can a long time.

The OP cant control him and what he wants to do. All she can do is control herself and her reaction to what he does, or doesnt do. What is a deal breaker? What is important to you? Is lack of a proposal going to be a make or break with this relationship? You need to figure these things out NOW before you have a nervous breakdown about when he will propose. Because it may not be when, but if. Nothing is easier for a guy than to use delay tactics, because what can you do about it? Unless you issue a time ultimatum, theres little you can do.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 5:53 PM   #17
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I've seen it too. Women who won't shack up with their men before marriage/engagement seem to have the effect of bringing the marriage forward.
Bit of a generalisation but it is often true.
Women - living together = one step away from marriage
Men - living together = no real need for marriage, marriage can wait.

I have never seen a man on these forums moan about his live in lover not wanting to get married, and most of the women who have a problem with men ducking marriage, already live with them.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 6:04 PM   #18
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Men tend to shy away from marriage because men tend to get shafted in divorce, because men tend to be the breadwinners and end up supporting a nonworking spouse long after the relationship is over.


This is not always the case, sometimes the woman is the money-maker and dad stays home and she ends up having to support him.


But MOST often it's the man and that's why these generalities exist. They've evolved over time based on real court cases in your actual neighborhood involving real people not actors.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 6:04 PM   #19
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Bit of a generalisation but it is often true.
Women - living together = one step away from marriage
Men - living together = no real need for marriage, marriage can wait.


I have never seen a man on these forums moan about his live in lover not wanting to get married, and most of the women who have a problem with men ducking marriage, already live with them.
Truth. If Ive read once, Ive read a million times. I live with my man, I have his babies, I clean and cook for him, why wont he marry me???

Duh.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 6:05 PM   #20
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Truth. If Ive read once, Ive read a million times. I live with my man, I have his babies, I clean and cook for him, why wont he marry me???

Duh.

You left out "...and I'd never, ever hurt him in a divorce..."
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Old 3rd October 2018, 6:09 PM   #21
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To add to this:

The whole thing about a man proposing on his timeline means that the decision is unilateral. And unilateral decisions generally have the effect of leaving the partner feeling like they have no control in the direction of their lives. And this is where the OP is at - I know because I've been there (many years ago in my 'starter marriage'). I don't like not having a say in the timing and direction of my life.

I'm probably going to get up the noses of men and women who value the whole proposal thing, but I think the notion is completely out dated. Women can work, we can own property, we can get a loan, we can support ourselves living alone. But for some reason, there's this idea that a marriage - something which has an enormous effect on both parties - should happen only when the man is good and ready. The idea of a woman having no say planning this part of her future is ridiculous in this modern era.

If I wanted to marry again, I would not stay with a man who wouldn't discuss timelines openly and transparently. If one of you wants to marry, then discuss the idea to find out if you both want the same thing. If you do want the same thing, then see if you can agree on a time line. If you're both keen, set a date. If it's a few years away, agree to revisit the idea at X time in the future. It really should be this simple.
Yes to everything in this excellent post. The idea that a man is supposed to just spontaneously ask you a life-altering question for you to decide on the spot is so laughable! And to think a man should just magically know what sort of jewelry you want to wear every day for the rest of your life? Of all my friends and family I know only one couple where the proposal came as a complete surprise; everyone else had gone ring shopping, wedding arrangements, etc. Frankly, if my husband spent the $12k he spent on my ring without consulting me I would have been livid. One of the most romantic couples I know made it official when her husband said "find the ring of your dreams and I'll write you a check" because he knew there was no way in hell he could ever find anything that suited her unique tastes. (She ended up designing her own and it's stunning.) Marriage is a thing you go into, together, with eyes wide open and agreement about what you want.

Marriage is chiefly romantic---no way anyone would sign themselves up for a lifetime of shared colds and double laundry if they weren't madly in love---but it's also practical, too. We had decided to buy a house in September but there was no way in hell either of us wanted to do something so enormous without more legal protection. Funnily enough, the bank pushed us on this point too. The loan officer said " 'Boyfriend' doesn't exactly sound stable. Can we put 'fiance'?" So we were listed as engaged a full month before it actually happened. And, uh, if an auditor from my bank is reading this, well, errr, at least we pay more than the minimum each month!

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Old 3rd October 2018, 6:12 PM   #22
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And, uh, if an auditor from my bank is reading this, well, errr, at least we pay more than the minimum each month!

As long as the mortgage application isn't signed by lana-banana I don't think you need to lose any sleep over it.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 6:14 PM   #23
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As long as the mortgage application isn't signed by lana-banana I don't think you need to lose any sleep over it.
Oh no! My secret's exposed!
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Old 3rd October 2018, 6:15 PM   #24
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Bit of a generalisation but it is often true.
Women - living together = one step away from marriage
Men - living together = no real need for marriage, marriage can wait.

I have never seen a man on these forums moan about his live in lover not wanting to get married, and most of the women who have a problem with men ducking marriage, already live with them.
Is it really a generalisation? In the case of a guy who's unwilling to have an open and honest discussion, I don't know any other way a woman could effectively bring a proposal forward other than holding herself ransom. We all know that nagging has no effect.

Our mothers have been telling us for years that he won't buy the cow if he can get the milk for free.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 6:22 PM   #25
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Is it really a generalisation?
But there are some women living with men who are happy with the arrangement and do not want to get married and there are some men who are living with women who would love to make it more "permanent" and get married.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 9:19 PM   #26
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But for some reason, there's this idea that a marriage - something which has an enormous effect on both parties - should happen only when the man is good and ready.
Would you object to the statement - "marriage - something which has an enormous effect on both parties - should happen only when both partners are good and ready"?

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T If one of you wants to marry, then discuss the idea to find out if you both want the same thing. If you do want the same thing, then see if you can agree on a time line. If you're both keen, set a date. If it's a few years away, agree to revisit the idea at X time in the future. It really should be this simple.
Isn't this what's happened in the OP's case?

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Old 4th October 2018, 5:03 PM   #27
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Would you object to the statement - "marriage - something which has an enormous effect on both parties - should happen only when both partners are good and ready"?



Isn't this what's happened in the OP's case?

Mr. Lucky
No, I would not object to the statement, with the caveat that the discussion is being had openly and honestly and without the need for a surprise proposal.

As for the OP, it seems to me that she doesn't have the confidence that he'll be true to his word. I suspect the truth from him is more like "I really don't know yet....it's still quite early. Perhaps I'll feel like getting married in a couple of years". And if this is how he feels, then that's fine - but it's about expressing his thoughts clearly and in a manner which doesn't leave her feeling confused.

I would also give the disclaimer that I have a bit of baggage in this area. In my starter marriage, we'd already bought a house together. I was living in it alone with the agreement that he'd move in when we married. I ended up lonely and isolated and really needed a bit of a timeline so that I could manage my expectations. However I got the response of "I will propose when I'm ready". Without a timeline and feeling lonely etc, I really started to feel rudderless and out of control of my life. Anyway, he eventually did propose (with the world's lamest proposal) and the marriage lasted 4 years. Pfft. It's this experience of feeling rudderless and without transparent conversation on the matter which has formed my opinion on the matter.

Years ago I said to my now partner "hey, do you think we should get married?" He replied "yeah, OK". We didn't end up getting married because we couldn't agree on a wedding and then realised that marriage wasn't important to us anyway. But the conversation was good because it was transparent.
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Old 4th October 2018, 7:49 PM   #28
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She's already asked him to marry her, and they did discuss it and he said, basically, later sometime. You can't force it. You just have to hope he's sincere and set your own timeline to walk if it drags out. From the way she describes it, he sounds like he is open about discussing it, but isn't in any hurry like she is.
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Old 5th October 2018, 12:04 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
To add to this:

The whole thing about a man proposing on his timeline means that the decision is unilateral. And unilateral decisions generally have the effect of leaving the partner feeling like they have no control in the direction of their lives. And this is where the OP is at - I know because I've been there (many years ago in my 'starter marriage'). I don't like not having a say in the timing and direction of my life.

I'm probably going to get up the noses of men and women who value the whole proposal thing, but I think the notion is completely out dated. Women can work, we can own property, we can get a loan, we can support ourselves living alone. But for some reason, there's this idea that a marriage - something which has an enormous effect on both parties - should happen only when the man is good and ready. The idea of a woman having no say planning this part of her future is ridiculous in this modern era.

If I wanted to marry again, I would not stay with a man who wouldn't discuss timelines openly and transparently. If one of you wants to marry, then discuss the idea to find out if you both want the same thing. If you do want the same thing, then see if you can agree on a time line. If you're both keen, set a date. If it's a few years away, agree to revisit the idea at X time in the future. It really should be this simple.

It sounds to me like they have already decided together that they will get engaged during the next year. If that has already been agreed on together, does it REALLY matter that much that she dictate a specific date?



I'm all for couples deciding on a general timeline together (and frankly I think that ALL major milestones, including sex, living together, and marriage, should happen only when both people are completely ready), but that can still coexist with the man choosing a specific date (within the agreed-upon timeline) and manner of proposing. Planning a proposal can mean a lot to some men. And relationships are about compromise - if your partner really wants to plan one, is it really more important that you have equal control over it down to the minutae? Does it have that much impact on the rest of your life whether you get engaged on 2 February 2019 or 10 May 2019?


The biggest concern, IMO, is that the OP doesn't seem to trust that he'll stick to their agreement. Not sure if he has given her good reason to mistrust him - if he has, then perhaps she might want to rethink marrying him entirely.
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Old 16th October 2018, 1:23 PM   #30
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He's trying to win some time. He knows right after that engagement it's marriage and you'll start talking about babies. Men and women have their children much later in life nowadays, he may not be ready for a family after all you've only been dating 2 years.



That whole proposing marriage doesn't exist in my culture. My ex-husband and I spoke about getting married, we decided together we would get engaged on Xmas Eve and married the following July.



There are 2 more months to this year. If by January 2019 he hasn't proposed then he won't ever. You'll have to decide which is the most important to you: Him or a mini 31.1 grams of gold.
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