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Driving myself crazy as to when he will propose


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Old 2nd October 2018, 4:01 PM   #1
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Driving myself crazy as to when he will propose

My boyfriend and I are in our early 30s and have been together for over 2 years, living together just over a year. I have thought he was going to propose a couple of times (my birthday, anniversary, etc). and of course was completely disappointed when it didn't happen. He didn't say he would, I just in my head thought it would. I do struggle with anxiety and tend to overthink and catastrophize things. Weve had a few conversations and before when I asked him if he wanted to get married he would say one day. Now I have asked him if he wants to get married he says yes, I've asked when he will propose and he says he doesn't want to give a date and time. I tell him that I would like it to happen within the next year a year and he said he is on the same page. He said he has thought of how he would propose and doesn't seem scared to talk about it, but we've had this conversation a couple of times over the last few months and he still hasn't proposed. He does say he is committed to me and wants this too but wont tell me when he is going to do it. Im giving myself so much anxiety just thinking it will never happen. He makes me happy and we have a great relationship, and the last thing I want to do is pressure him or ruin our relationship. How do I just stop thinking about it and let it happen when it happens? Im worried I'm wasting my time. He has expressed to me that I'm not but I can't help but stress. I recently turned 31 and I want children (not now but within a few years hopefully). How do I just relax? What should I do?
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Old 2nd October 2018, 4:59 PM   #2
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Does he not understand how much anxiety and fear you have? I mean, it sounds like you have basically already proposed to him, so not sure why you are waiting for him to propose to you, but I think he'll do it sooner if you stop ruining every opportunity by expecting it then. Why do you think it would be on a holiday? Is that just how you imagined it? If I was him, I'd wait until you hadnt' mentioned it for at least four months, just because I'm stubborn and don't like pressure.

Just set a deadline in your mind like if he hasn't proposed by a year from now, I'm walking. I imagine all this pressure he's under about this isn't making him any more enthusiastic about marrying you. A ring costs a lot, you know. If you had to buy him a ring first, how soon would you be able to propose?
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Old 2nd October 2018, 5:01 PM   #3
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It's hard to relax but just keep telling yourself it will happen when it happens. Don't expect everyday to be The Day.
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Old 2nd October 2018, 5:02 PM   #4
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Thank you for the feedback, preraph. You're probably right. I'm not sure why I thought it would be on a holiday, it just seems that that is when it happens I suppose..

I will do as you said and have a timeline in my head. I agree that the pressure isn't good. It's easier said than done to control me externalizing my thoughts. Any suggestions on how to try to get it off my mind?

Not worried about the cost - he is certainly in a financial position to do so. I'm gathering my pressure hasn't helped at all.
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Old 2nd October 2018, 5:31 PM   #5
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I tell him that I would like it to happen within the next year and he said he is on the same page.
So if you've agreed on this timeline, why are you still bugging him about it?

When my kids were young, enjoyed taking them to Disneyland, we all had fun there. But I almost hesitated to plan a Disney weekend because the constant "are we there yet", "how much longer", etc, drove me crazy on the trip there.

Write the "one year since we had the talk" date on your calendar and let it go, including your worry and anxiety, until then. He'll be more likely to act if it seems like his idea rather than your constant prompting...

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Old 2nd October 2018, 5:43 PM   #6
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Just concentrate on other outside activities. Take up a new hobby. Just stop worrying about it. You don't want this to be something he felt dragged into. He no doubt wants to be the one who surprises you and makes you happy, but how much fun is that if you are this unhappy for a year beforehand?

Don't start planning the wedding yet either. Don't let him see you doing that if you do. Just planning a wedding is enough to scare some guys off. It's not any fun, really. And just more expense. Just drop the whole subject, take the pressure off. Instead, bug him to take you somewhere fun.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 7:33 AM   #7
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You know what works - threatening him
1) put a fork on the road- ‘I’ll not stay with you forever unless you propose’
2) set a deadline - ‘you have until the end of our lease or else’
3) threaten moving out if da Ring of YOUR choice is not presented to you...
He’ll get tired and eventually give in.

I’m sarcastic obviously but I’m citing real life examples. Do you want to be this woman that FORCES a guy to marry her by putting conditions and threats? Would you be happy to look at a ring you had to threaten him to receive? Think about it and make your decision him to act
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Old 3rd October 2018, 9:23 AM   #8
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If he's on the same page, why are you worried? There's no need to keep bringing it up.

My now-husband was the first one who blurted out to me that he wanted to get married. We weren't sure when we wanted to do it because we were also starting house hunting. He said "hey, it'll happen by X time" and guess what? It did. I never once had to nag him or ask him, because we had talked it over and I was completely certain it was going to happen. And knowing it was coming eventually didn't make the moment any less romantic or shocking---I had no idea it was coming when it did!

It sounds like you're still incredibly anxious and don't necessarily believe him when he says he's on the same page. That, to me, is the big issue here. Why don't you trust him? What are you worried about?
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Old 3rd October 2018, 11:57 AM   #9
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I personally think you're giving yourself a lot of grief by (1) fretting a lot over a few months' difference, and (2) bottling up all that fretting inside. Does it REALLY matter that much, at 31, whether you get engaged tomorrow or in 7 months' time? If your answer is yes, you really need it to be within a few months, then you should have told him that, instead of saying 'next year'. He may be able to do a lot of things, but reading your mind isn't one of them.



FWIW, proposals take time to prepare, if they are planning something relatively intricate.


Is there a reason why you don't seem to believe his word? Has he been trustworthy in other aspects of your relationship?
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Old 3rd October 2018, 12:22 PM   #10
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Anyway I'll offer this. Marriage is over rated. Relationships don't suddenly change for the better after vows are exchanged, and quite often they get worse for a variety of reasons. In the end more than half of marriages fail and it's likely that part of that problem is people rushing into life long commitments with a person they really don't know as well as they think they do.


Don't rush it. If he's not going anywhere, well then he's not going anywhere. If he is, marriage won't keep him, it will only make it more expensive to untangle all the knots.

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Old 3rd October 2018, 12:28 PM   #11
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Don't play games! I always told my partners I wasn't into long-term cohabitation and it was never a problem. You can't force anyone to propose just as you can't force anyone to do anything. Whatever will happen happens together.

Engagement and marriage is a big affair with a lot of moving parts, especially if there's property or significant financial assets involved. It takes months of planning, discussion, and foresight. I have helped two friends and their fiances shop for rings---all together, with everyone knowing about it---and logistics are hard! You need to have healthy communication and trust in your partner. It comes back to the question of why you don't believe him when he says he's ready for it to happen in the next year?

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Old 3rd October 2018, 1:16 PM   #12
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I think the advice was tongue in cheek.


Anyway I'll offer this. Marriage is over rated. Relationships don't suddenly change for the better after vows are exchanged, and quite often they get worse for a variety of reasons. In the end more than half of marriages fail and it's likely that part of that problem is people rushing into life long commitments with a person they really don't know as well as they think they do.


Don't rush it. If he's not going anywhere, well then he's not going anywhere. If he is, marriage won't keep him, it will only make it more expensive to untangle all the knots.



I have to agree. I'm getting long in the tooth now and have witnessed this chase the ring thing at what ever cost I think forever now. Have witnessed the goal achieved and or manipulated to get it to happen lasting right up until the divorce. Not being a female I can't get my head around the obsession.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 1:51 PM   #13
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I have to agree. I'm getting long in the tooth now and have witnessed this chase the ring thing at what ever cost I think forever now. Have witnessed the goal achieved and or manipulated to get it to happen lasting right up until the divorce. Not being a female I can't get my head around the obsession.

Here it is easy.
The OP is 31, she wants kids and I guess does not want them out of wedlock. If this is going to be a dead end, she needs to know as soon as possible. Getting over this relationship finding a new man and getting married may take another 3-4+ years, 3-4+ years makes her 34-35, at 35 her fertility is waning, getting pregnant may be more difficult and if she wants a brood, she may struggle...

Men do not have this problem at 31, they can free wheel for years and then pick up speed when they like.
Women especially over 30 need to more focused on the road ahead.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 5:22 PM   #14
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Here it is easy.
The OP is 31, she wants kids and I guess does not want them out of wedlock. If this is going to be a dead end, she needs to know as soon as possible. Getting over this relationship finding a new man and getting married may take another 3-4+ years, 3-4+ years makes her 34-35, at 35 her fertility is waning, getting pregnant may be more difficult and if she wants a brood, she may struggle...

Men do not have this problem at 31, they can free wheel for years and then pick up speed when they like.
Women especially over 30 need to more focused on the road ahead.
To add to this:

The whole thing about a man proposing on his timeline means that the decision is unilateral. And unilateral decisions generally have the effect of leaving the partner feeling like they have no control in the direction of their lives. And this is where the OP is at - I know because I've been there (many years ago in my 'starter marriage'). I don't like not having a say in the timing and direction of my life.

I'm probably going to get up the noses of men and women who value the whole proposal thing, but I think the notion is completely out dated. Women can work, we can own property, we can get a loan, we can support ourselves living alone. But for some reason, there's this idea that a marriage - something which has an enormous effect on both parties - should happen only when the man is good and ready. The idea of a woman having no say planning this part of her future is ridiculous in this modern era.

If I wanted to marry again, I would not stay with a man who wouldn't discuss timelines openly and transparently. If one of you wants to marry, then discuss the idea to find out if you both want the same thing. If you do want the same thing, then see if you can agree on a time line. If you're both keen, set a date. If it's a few years away, agree to revisit the idea at X time in the future. It really should be this simple.
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Old 3rd October 2018, 5:25 PM   #15
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I have to agree. I'm getting long in the tooth now and have witnessed this chase the ring thing at what ever cost I think forever now. Have witnessed the goal achieved and or manipulated to get it to happen lasting right up until the divorce. Not being a female I can't get my head around the obsession.
I've seen it too. Women who won't shack up with their men before marriage/engagement seem to have the effect of bringing the marriage forward.

One woman I know was so good at it that she'd been engaged three times! And divorced once. She could get a proposal, but not keep the guy.
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