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4 years later/both [former affair] partners left marriages [new proposal]


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 29th August 2018, 7:35 PM   #46
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Her daughter has every right to decide who she wants to have any relationship with.

And who she doesn't want in her life.

It's actually healthy to cut out people you don't trust and respect.

What's the point in staying in contact? To be mad? No! To pretend? No!

Can you see why your daughter may want nothing to do with you? You are not who she thought she loved. She likely feels like she has no idea who you are and what you stand for.

These are the consequences to your actions and choices.
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Old 29th August 2018, 7:53 PM   #47
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If she cuts her mother out, thatís definitely her choice, however, in this case she should no longer accept her motherís money in order to go to college. Sheís 21, an adult, chooses for herself as to whom she wants to keep in her life or not, and should therefore accept all the consequences that come with that choice. Itís a two-way street.
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Old 29th August 2018, 7:56 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by Artdeco View Post
If she cuts her mother out, that’s definitely her choice, however, in this case she should no longer accept her mother’s money in order to go to college. She’s 21, an adult, chooses for herself as to whom she wants to keep in her life or not, and should therefore accept all the consequences that come with that choice. It’s a two-way street.
I would agree unless the money was saved throughout all the years specifically for her college education.

Did both parents save together while she was young?

If so, then the daughter is keeping her obligation of going to school... and the money should be used as it was intended all those years ago.

Last edited by S2B; 29th August 2018 at 8:03 PM..
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Old 29th August 2018, 8:07 PM   #49
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After reading back my last response, i realize i didnt answer all questions.

What did i expect?
Well i thought with time perhaps my daughter would want to see me happy. Maybe she would see that I have not abandoned her. I guess maybe i was crazy to think that way. I didnt think she would be thrilled with the news, but honestly was suprised by her angry reaction. I didnt think i would have to choose between them".......
But you DID decide, right?

And now your daughter is showing you what results from your choices.

Maybe do the counseling to accept that your daughter has high standards for those she loves and you need to accept her perspective equally...?
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Old 29th August 2018, 8:08 PM   #50
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I pay half her college tuition, help her plan for her future, have gotten her jobs, etc. Before the engagement, we would shop, get pedicures, plan parties, meet for lunch, etc.
I have one other daughter, my oldest who is almost 24. She lives with us and accepts my relationship. I wouldnt say she is super close with my OM but wants to see me happy i think. However, this fact will not sway her sisterís feelings
I think if the daughter wants to cut her mother out of her life, then thatís what sheíll be losing.
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Old 30th August 2018, 6:12 PM   #51
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As much as I usually agree...

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Originally Posted by Artdeco View Post
Iím sorry, but at some point adult children need to accept their parentsí decisions. She had an affair, yes, but she also says that right now sheís in a happy relationship with that man. Why take that from her? Why make her unhappy just because family members donít approve of the choice she made? The daughter is 21, the OP has been in this R for FOUR years. Thatís a solid R in my opinion, also based on what op states. The exH has moved on. Why canít the daughter? The other daughter seems accepting, so why ruining a good R? Because it started a certain way? Ok, I get that, but Iím sure theyíve worked through the pain, and at some point everybody needs to move on. Iím sure the A didnít exactly happen in a vacuum, either. Iím not saying that all affairs come out of unhappy marriages, but in this case the A partners got engaged and have a serious relationship and it seems to be working well.

Are people seriously suggesting that op break up with this man, in order to appease her daughter? I think thatís utterly ridiculous. If the daughter accepts her motherís financial support for her college education, then Iím sure she can accept her motherís life choices. Iím sure itís a hard thing to get over, even for older kids, but this special case is a little bit extreme IMO. The mother made a choice. She likes the outcome, minus the issues with her ONE daughter. I think thatís a no-brainer.
As much as I usually agree... I just cannot here.

If the things you are saying were simply about mom deciding to divorce, I would completely agree.

But affairs are different. In this thread, I get the feeling, just a feeling, that OP frankly just got board with her marriage, which was not really bad, just bland maybe. Further, I am also thinking that she might have felt a little entitled to get some strange on the side and keep it quiet.

But she got caught. She has blown up her family for no other reason than selfishness, and entitlement. And both kids were old enough to see what happened.

Now for OP, she really did not think she would get caught, and I bet that she did not think that her H would have the ball to divorce her. But he did.

So those girls witnessed that pain that THEIR father went though, and they are pissed, even if the youngest is whistling past the grave yard. I actually have one that does that as well.

So I don't know if the youngest will have issues later in life. But the oldest knows what happened and frankly she probably hates her mother and will for a while.

And let me say that I could be wrong about some of this.

But a marriage blown up by an affair where mom stays with OM, to 1000 times different than a divorce...
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Old 30th August 2018, 6:42 PM   #52
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As much as I usually agree... I just cannot here.

If the things you are saying were simply about mom deciding to divorce, I would completely agree.

But affairs are different. In this thread, I get the feeling, just a feeling, that OP frankly just got board with her marriage, which was not really bad, just bland maybe. Further, I am also thinking that she might have felt a little entitled to get some strange on the side and keep it quiet.

But she got caught. She has blown up her family for no other reason than selfishness, and entitlement. And both kids were old enough to see what happened.

Now for OP, she really did not think she would get caught, and I bet that she did not think that her H would have the ball to divorce her. But he did.

So those girls witnessed that pain that THEIR father went though, and they are pissed, even if the youngest is whistling past the grave yard. I actually have one that does that as well.

So I don't know if the youngest will have issues later in life. But the oldest knows what happened and frankly she probably hates her mother and will for a while.

And let me say that I could be wrong about some of this.

But a marriage blown up by an affair where mom stays with OM, to 1000 times different than a divorce...
As I understand, the older one is fine, and the younger one is the 21-year old who has the issues with her mom. I understand that itís hard and that people are different, and cope differently, and if she wants to grieve and/or pout, so be it. Iím sure sheíll come around. What would she say if her mother didnít want to meet her bf/fiancť bc of whatever reason. If they met the wrong way? If he has the wrong religion, the wrong job, .... ? Weíre talking about adults here, people, not children, not toddlers, not teens, not highschoolers. Adults!
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Old 30th August 2018, 7:19 PM   #53
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Ok, then answer me this...

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Originally Posted by Artdeco View Post
As I understand, the older one is fine, and the younger one is the 21-year old who has the issues with her mom. I understand that itís hard and that people are different, and cope differently, and if she wants to grieve and/or pout, so be it. Iím sure sheíll come around. What would she say if her mother didnít want to meet her bf/fiancť bc of whatever reason. If they met the wrong way? If he has the wrong religion, the wrong job, .... ? Weíre talking about adults here, people, not children, not toddlers, not teens, not highschoolers. Adults!
Have you yourself, ever been a victim of infidelity, on either side or as a child?

I don't think that you quite understand how damaging it can really be for everyone involved.

Maybe you just don't think it is that big of a deal and everyone should get over it.

I just disagree...
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Old 30th August 2018, 7:39 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Have you yourself, ever been a victim of infidelity, on either side or as a child?

I don't think that you quite understand how damaging it can really be for everyone involved.

Maybe you just don't think it is that big of a deal and everyone should get over it.

I just disagree...
Yes, I have been cheated on in the past during a long-term relationship. I found out, then he wanted to stay and reconcile, I tried, but in the end it didnít work out.

My parents got divorced at some point in my childhood. Not sure if any of them had an affair at all, but my mother had a boyfriend not too long after the divorce. So that could indicate that infidelity DURING the M did happen (very likely). AND i did consider and was aware of that. I did not like the fact per se that my parents got divorced, especially because I had no siblings to share my grief with, but I was happy for my mother that she found a person who did match her almost perfectly. With my dad, she was always ďfineĒ, and ďhappy-ishĒ, but with her new H, sheís been - ever since - extremely happy. Bubbly, outgoing, louder, just ..... i donít know ..... different in a good way. And my dad did def NOT want to get a D!

It took me a while to accept that, but it did not take too long, and I never disrespected my mother for that. Even during my ďcoming to terms with the broken homeĒ phase, I was always respectful of my mother and her new BF, now H.

My dad is still single by the way. Dates around like no other. But he has a lot of girlfriends all.the.time. And heís in his 60s. 😳
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