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4 years later/both [former affair] partners left marriages [new proposal]


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 13th August 2018, 11:08 PM   #31
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She sought out happiness at the expense of her daughters happiness when she was at a very difficult age of life. Some would say its balancing the scale to reciprocate the sacrifice now.

Truth is, none of us know the RIGHT answer. Which is why I suggest she goes with what's most important to her. If its her relationship with the guy then stay and hope for the best and vice versa.
I donít know that there is a right answer. Unfortunately, she chose this man and her own happiness over her children and her family so many years ago... so many decisions have been made since that itís difficult to right this ship now - perhaps impossible.

I like the idea of moving out to get your own place. It doesnít mean that you have to end the relationship, but it does mean that you put some separation between your daughters and your boyfriend. Your daughter/s could live with you and you can devote yourself to parenting/rebuilding those relationships. With time, because you are no longer fanning the flames of the fire by living with/marrying your affair partner, things may well improve and come together in a more harmonious way.

It really is the question - what do you value more - your relationship with this man or your relationship with your daughters? It may be possible to have both, but not right now, certainly not the way that you want it to be.
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Old 13th August 2018, 11:27 PM   #32
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Talking

As many have found when you go your own way everyone else gets to do the same.

Some can accept and some can't or won't. Choices always have consequences.

The cards have already been dealt, there is no reshuffling the deck.

Lean to live with it like everyone is.
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Old 13th August 2018, 11:56 PM   #33
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Break it off with my man, and feel guilty for hurting him and his 2 boys who are a big part of our lives. It would be a huge sacrifice, but hopefully my daughter would forgive me and we could have a more normal relationship
theperfectlife, no one here wants to pile on, we all get the pain you're in. I saw it in my own cheating spouse even though I was so angry I couldn't react to it.

But...

Your life is intertwined with others, both a blessing and a burden. Your daughter may feel you not only traded men in your life, you also traded families. She's hurt and angry in a way that won't easily subside and it may be too late for sacrifices and/or amends to fix things with her.

As you've said, can't rewind the clock so you have to live in the present. You'll have to more clearly define what happiness means going forward...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 14th August 2018, 10:41 AM   #34
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So it is your opinion that I give up my OM after living with him for 4 uears?
I am positive no one would treat me as good as he does, or love me the way he does.

My point being - you can continue to live with your OM, just don't expect your husband or daughter to be happy about it. Adultery destroys relationships; as to be expected.
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Old 14th August 2018, 12:05 PM   #35
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As many have found when you go your own way everyone else gets to do the same.

Some can accept and some can't or won't. Choices always have consequences.

The cards have already been dealt, there is no reshuffling the deck.

Lean to live with it like everyone is.
Yep, accept the real. Millions of families, probably billions, deal with this kind of stuff and move through life, accepting the consequences. Do people get hurt? You bet. That's part of life. Try spending your life carefully avoiding hurting or offending anyone and it'll be an early and unhappy grave supplicating to the emotions of others. Do what you want, accept the consequences and move on. People, in general, aren't that important though we all think we're special and our id should be fed and watered in just the manner we desire. Mortal. Here and gone.

Many life choices destroy relationships. Infidelity, abuse, molestation, murder, rape, on and on. Heck, there's a second gravesite at the stop sign on my property because two guys recently chose to run it and were killed for their choice. The person who killed them, a woman, will have to live with that the rest of her life, as will their families. All those lives were changed in a moment by a choice. Consequences.

OP, regardless of what choice you make on the proposal, or even continue with this man, I'd expect your daughter to retain some level of animosity, hate, anger, whatever for a long time if not forever. She might even deny you your grandchildren. I've seen that happen too. However, she's young so there is hopefully plenty of time to repair your mother-daughter relationship. That takes two. Right now it ain't gonna happen. Accept that and move on.
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Old 14th August 2018, 5:27 PM   #36
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I guess my issue here is finding difficulty in accepting reality,and the consequences of my actions. The grass is not greener on the other side.
I am not sure what the future will bring. I will give it some time, but hope to find a resolution eventually. I do know however, that i can not continue this new life if i still feel this way in the future.
Thanks to all for the advice
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Old 15th August 2018, 10:58 PM   #37
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I will give it some time, but hope to find a resolution eventually. I do know however, that i can not continue this new life if i still feel this way in the future.
Have you thought about the fact that, feeling as you do, continuing the current relationship might be unfair to both the OM and his kids?

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Old 16th August 2018, 2:06 AM   #38
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OP, question... I note in your opening post that you still refer to your partner, now long after the affair, years, as 'my OM'. Why is that? I would presume he's at minimum your boyfriend and, considering the marriage proposal question, potential or real life partner.

The MW's I've known personally who've exit affaired with MM's, they moved on, either cohabiting or getting married and left the past in the past, dealt with the kids and their stuff (all had kids, some minor some adult) and live in the now. Some are so successful I find myself a bit envious. How does it go with you? Most are my age, 50's-60's and have been together/married at least a decade now, some closing in on two decades.
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Old 16th August 2018, 12:07 PM   #39
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Dear theperfectlife,

Are you still planning on getting married? I feel so bad for you. You gave up a good marriage and per your statement, you never gave your marriage an opportunity to survive.

Have you ever thought about breaking off this affair now partnership and living alone to find yourself? Have you ever thought about rekindling a relationship with your ex-husband? Do you still love your ex-husband? Life has some funny twist and turns. I don't think your life will amount to much as long as you stay with your present lover.

Best,
Dreamer
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Old 29th August 2018, 1:12 PM   #40
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Have you thought about the fact that, feeling as you do, continuing the current relationship might be unfair to both the OM and his kids?

Mr. Lucky
Yes, i have thought of this. We have lived together in the same house for over 3 years now. The boys are now 17 and 19, and are so happy with the proposal.
I am in therapy again, trying to overcome the feelings of shame and guilt that i feel. I dont want to make any other life changes yet and hurt even more people.
I love my fiance and care about his boys. It just hurts that my own children arent a bigger part of my life
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Old 29th August 2018, 3:33 PM   #41
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I love my fiance and care about his boys. It just hurts that my own children arent a bigger part of my life
You'll have to make a choice either way and live with the consequences. Along with that, you'll need to be cognizant of being in charge of only your own reactions, you can't control how others feel or act. Be honest, transparent and considerate of the others involved.

Hope things work out for you...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 29th August 2018, 4:04 PM   #42
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2 weeks since proposal, youngest daughter still ignoring my texts. I would be relieved at this point if she and I could have a relationship again, even if she never meets my man. However i dont know how fulfilled i will be if she never lets me see her children one day(that is one of her threats). I donít think i will return the ring....not in a rush to tie the knot! In counseling again, will give it time. Thoughts?
Is this man worth all this guilt and pain being caused to your other relationships?


My exH cheated. 13 years later the kids (adults now) have a mild relationship with him - but they know he isn't trustworthy and ONLY thinks of himself at every turn.

Remorse is one thing - DOING what's right is another.

You may never earn her trust back.

Leave her to her own feelings. That's only respectful.
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Old 29th August 2018, 5:12 PM   #43
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Be honest, transparent and considerate of the others involved.

Hope things work out for you...

Mr. Lucky
This is good advice.

And, how long will you need to do this? In the words of Dr Phil, "until..." Until she hopefully, becomes more accepting of your love and your new relationship.

Good luck to you.
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Old 29th August 2018, 5:58 PM   #44
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I’m sorry, but at some point adult children need to accept their parents’ decisions. She had an affair, yes, but she also says that right now she’s in a happy relationship with that man. Why take that from her? Why make her unhappy just because family members don’t approve of the choice she made? The daughter is 21, the OP has been in this R for FOUR years. That’s a solid R in my opinion, also based on what op states. The exH has moved on. Why can’t the daughter? The other daughter seems accepting, so why ruining a good R? Because it started a certain way? Ok, I get that, but I’m sure they’ve worked through the pain, and at some point everybody needs to move on. I’m sure the A didn’t exactly happen in a vacuum, either. I’m not saying that all affairs come out of unhappy marriages, but in this case the A partners got engaged and have a serious relationship and it seems to be working well.

Are people seriously suggesting that op break up with this man, in order to appease her daughter? I think that’s utterly ridiculous. If the daughter accepts her mother’s financial support for her college education, then I’m sure she can accept her mother’s life choices. I’m sure it’s a hard thing to get over, even for older kids, but this special case is a little bit extreme IMO. The mother made a choice. She likes the outcome, minus the issues with her ONE daughter. I think that’s a no-brainer.
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Old 29th August 2018, 6:13 PM   #45
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Iím sorry, but at some point adult children need to accept their parentsí decisions. She had an affair, yes, but she also says that right now sheís in a happy relationship with that man. Why take that from her? Why make her unhappy just because family members donít approve of the choice she made? The daughter is 21...
The daughter is no more "taking that from her" than the affair could be said to have taken her FOO from the daughter, less so in my opinion.

The daughter doesn't owe her any reconciliation.
Although I hope one day there is one!

"The mother made a choice. She likes the outcome, minus the issues with her ONE daughter. I think thatís a no-brainer."

Well I agree with you there if you think the 'no-brainer' is to decide to accept the fact things stand where they do. You cut those corners and you don't get a square deal.

TBH I love Dreamer's and the other's advice. As a BS and a romantic it tugs at my heartstrings.

But since those strings are merely connected to a fleshy lump which pumps blood and nothing more, I agree with you she may as well suck it up and move on. Such gestures would mean the worlds to the kids, and to the BS, but are not likely to succeed in restoring the M unfortunately.
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