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Don't Want a Big Wedding


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 9th October 2018, 12:26 PM   #76
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I'm very surprised to hear you say this, given how extensively in previous threads (particularly when you were trying to figure out what to do for a living) you've talked about how important it was for you to have a career, work full time, and be able to support yourself. To drop all of that when you are seemingly so close to the finish line and your degree (and to say you don't give a crap about it) almost makes it seem like you never really wanted to have to work full time at all. Assuming you do get pregnant in the next year or two, do you think you will ever actually work as a podiatrist?

But anyway, you seem to be somewhat missing the point. It's not just about 6k. You started this thread acting like 6k was a tremendous amount of money to spend, when in reality (as pointed out by several people) it is not a huge amount to spend on a wedding (comparatively speaking) and is nothing in the grand scheme of the tens and hundreds of thousands you will spend raising a child over the course of their life.

It's good that you recognize you should start saving, but I wonder why you haven't started that yet? You keep telling us how much money your fiance makes, and how your focus is saving, but your most recent post indicates that you aren't actually doing that -- you are still spending money on luxuries rather than necessities (e.g. expensive dog food, expensive groceries, etc.) It certainly doesn't seem like saving is your focus right now. And although you talk about making sacrifices in the future, I wonder how realistic that is really going to be for you. How much do you anticipate you will be able to save? Do you two have a budget? Have you tried going through it to see what you can eliminate and to try and formulate a savings plan? You don't need a financial advisor to do this -- and in fact, one of the first things a financial advisor is going to want you to do is put together a budget.

All of that said, at the end of the day, poor people have children, too, so on your fiance's salary you can absolutely raise a child.
The two things I have learnt for sure about myself is:

I want a professional job

I want kids more.

Marriage is very meh whatever. I want it but it comes last on my list of dreams.

Will still be getting married on the cheap but could never accept sh*t food at our wedding so....
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Old 22nd April 2019, 10:53 PM   #77
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Welp, it appears that we are not feeling as though we are going to be married.



We love each other enough that us the only part that has not changed.

We have just changed so much (for the better I may add) and are not not sure if we click in the ideal way for a life together

We have also changed at rates that are incompatible currently. He is winning in life while I am stalling in every aspect. We are growing apart.

But we love each other enough to see this out and not just throw it away in a hurry. This to me at least shows what true love really is... to not give up and to give it out all before calling it a day....

Please wish us luck.... I do still have hope...

This is the only instance where I just do not believe I could stop loving a person. We have the right ingredients and that is not something that can truly just "vanish" with time... it just is.... It is just there. We could learnt o live without each other but that feeling is just a fact of nature.

Wish us luck please we need it.
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Old 22nd April 2019, 10:59 PM   #78
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Another factor is that: I want a child more than I want any man. ANY man.

Even if things got better, which does still feel very possible and there is still a lot of hope there....

Even if things became the way we wanted again, we agreed to never marry until we had a child.

I have discovered that I would leave any man if he could not have a child with me for any reason. I simply cannot go through life without experiencing being a mum. Neither of us want to adopt (it is also not possible where I live) and neither of us want to spend a lot on fertility treatments.....

So if we happened to just not be compatible in the baby making department, we agreed to call it a day because a baby is not something I can miss out on. I would need to go it alone and try - to ensure it was not just our systems not being a match...

This is all very sad. I am pretty depressed about all this.

I am so thankful for our 4 years. He made me feel attractive, good enough and confident in myself no matter whether I am unemployed, finishing my degree, whatever status in life I still feel good enough at least and worthy of love.
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Old 23rd April 2019, 12:58 AM   #79
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We have just changed so much (for the better I may add) and are not not sure if we click in the ideal way for a life together

We have also changed at rates that are incompatible currently. He is winning in life while I am stalling in every aspect. We are growing apart.
In most good relationships, a win for one is a win for all. Why are your different rates of progress leading you away from marriage?

Mr. Lucky
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Old 23rd April 2019, 7:40 PM   #80
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In most good relationships, a win for one is a win for all. Why are your different rates of progress leading you away from marriage?

Mr. Lucky
He became fit, works out daily, became successful in his job, washes the dishes and does what he needs to... And was fine with waiting for a baby as we both believe in soul contracts and life beyond life and we both feel that kids pick their parents and come when THEY want. So he was fine with waiting, as was I to an extent. But we BOTH view us NOT being able to have children within 3 years of trying, as a sign that we were NOT supposed to have children together.... In which case I choose a child over any man, irrespective of how much I love him. My fiance agrees and understands my decision and supports me leaving to pursue motherhood IF it came to that.

I became depressed, fell ill, failed a semester, got sick of putting full time work on hold and became sedentary. He was getting rid of his anxiety and depression with exercise while I just lived with bad mental health and depression, barely getting out of bed. Living like a pig.

It pushed us apart and he grew resentful. I am obviously making positive changes to my life so I can be a normal functioning adult as that is what I want anyway with or without a man.

I feel we can get out of this slump as it is likely more to do with my inaction in my life to go after what I want in life (work,money, not being dependant, being unhealthy physically).

Even if we became happy again (read HIM, I am happy with him!), we will still never marry unless we can have kids together as that is my number one preference in life - to experience motherhood. Where as romantic partners are a wonderful to have, but I would probably find another great love later in my life if I did sperm donor babies solo.... You have time for love, you do not have time for babies due to biology (if left too late).

So.... We are going to try for to years maybe three, and if it just is not meant to be, I will sadly, have to eventually leave him and pursue donor sperm babies alone. It would be a gut wrenching decision.

This all sucks we really did have a great love story and all the elements for a successful marriage.

I feel we will pick things up and have kids eventually. I love him, well enough to give him a lot of my fertile years trying before I were to even consider calling it a day.

We just have different spiritual belief systems them most of you guys, and sometimes we both feel that two people really just were not meant to have kids together for a multitude of reasons.
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Old 23rd April 2019, 7:42 PM   #81
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In most good relationships, a win for one is a win for all. Why are your different rates of progress leading you away from marriage?

Mr. Lucky


I mean he has overcome addiction and a terrible childhood. He is an against all odds success story of someone who became successful...

IF your partner was depressed laying in bed all day leaving the house a mess despite no job or study going on.... while u were out working your butt off and winning in life.. it is just down to not being compatible anymore.

Thankfully I want to take control of my life and start living it again for myself and, hopefully, this will get us back to our true nature together, SANS the resentment he started to feel due to my inactivity in creating a life for myself that ANY person needs to feel respectful of themselves.
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Old 23rd April 2019, 8:36 PM   #82
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You haven’t had 3 years of trying, you’ve had 3 years of having sex.

And as a woman who has actually dealt with infertility and overcome it, the two are NOT the same.

You’ve not seen an RE. He’s not has sperm analysis. You’ve not had blood work, etc

You are merely speculating and wishing.

Which is fine if you believe babies just “happen”. But sometimes babies don’t just “happen” no matter how much you wish them or expect them to.
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Old 24th April 2019, 1:53 AM   #83
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we both believe in soul contracts and life beyond life and we both feel that kids pick their parents and come when THEY want.
Doesn't self-determination and responsibility for your own happiness also play a part in this? Not sure I'd surrender my own choices to something so nebulous...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 28th April 2019, 8:56 PM   #84
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You haven’t had 3 years of trying, you’ve had 3 years of having sex.

And as a woman who has actually dealt with infertility and overcome it, the two are NOT the same.

You’ve not seen an RE. He’s not has sperm analysis. You’ve not had blood work, etc

You are merely speculating and wishing.

Which is fine if you believe babies just “happen”. But sometimes babies don’t just “happen” no matter how much you wish them or expect them to.

I have seen a specialist.

I am ovulating regularly, and his sperm analysis is good.

I had to see a naturopath for me to ovulate but she worked miracles.

We have sought therapy and are going great now. Turns out, he just needed individual time alone for him to live his best life and figure out how to be happy - not a break up but rather, a lot of time to live his life for himself as well as learning things within the relationship.

We have the right feelings and right dedication, and we both have quite a lot of hope.

We have not tried for children yet because I was bleeding for one solid year straight last year, and before that I had only just came off the pill and was not yet ovulating.

Last month was actually the first month of trying.

We are going to try now for a baby but as I only have one tube that is not blocked, it will likely just take a little longer than most! I want to finish out my degree to graduate next year, but I highly doubt I will get a hit first try or two or even 3 or 4 lol....

I think we we start trying NOW, we will prob get a "hit" that allows me time to finish out my Podiatry degree!

I am 32 as is he and while we would love to not be older parents (it is just not what we would "prefer"), I understand that life does not always give us what we want.

I need to count my blessings; I ended u with the man I actually wanted, after all. My fiance tells me that once I let go of what I do not have (a baby yet....) and focus on my blessings I DO have, that life will fall into place not only for just myself, but also for the relationship overall.

I do believe we will survive this hiccup. I feel this is the first time true love has really been allowed to shine through; not in the good happy times, but rather using the love and connection we share to motivate us to want to get through awful times even when it seemed hopeless.

I have renewed hope, as does he. We know that if certain things are allowed to stay present, we won't last. But we know we love each other enough and want this enough for it to work, providing we grow at the same rate so as to not render our paths as incompatible.

Fingers crossed but I have hope and a good feeling.

I Just hit rock bottom and am clambering back up again.
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Old 28th April 2019, 9:10 PM   #85
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Doesn't self-determination and responsibility for your own happiness also play a part in this? Not sure I'd surrender my own choices to something so nebulous...

Mr. Lucky

I have literally had visions and dreams of events that occurred before they happened.

I have also changed my own path too with visions that validated it which came true.

There is more to life than most people "believe in" trust me lol.

But yes, be deciding to be more positive and choosing happiness and choosing the right ways to go about it have saved my life at times when my "destiny" could have gone a very different way. As has my fiance - he could have chosen addiction but chose a better path.

It is actually a miracle we are still together through the addiction element. He has thrived rather than merely "recovered" and is gaining so much momentum, even when he doesn't feel good and struggles. It is just onward and upward for him. Part of our relationship problems was actually him moving forward with his life with such strength and such will power that very few addicts and people in general - exhibit. While I was not ready to take that same leap myself. I was getting left behind in the dark while he was moving fast towards a better life.

He told me directly that I can dwell and accept the depression and hopelessness and stay as I am, or he hopes I can move forward with him towards a better life; he said he doesn't want to leave me behind, but that it was up to me whether or not I chose the life/ lifestyle he needs.
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Old 28th April 2019, 9:16 PM   #86
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Am seeing a free therapist and counsellor via my college and am going from being sedentary, to jogging each day and doing pilates.

Hopefully it will help.

Have taken the semester off to focus on finding work and relaxing my mind. Am getting ready for semester to which I failed last year due to nearly dying from blood loss and have the opportunity to really excel in my courses (as I always do when I am well).

Am finding a lot of peace in relaxing and taking time out from school for the moment but also have a huge hunger to come back and finally graduate next year.

The issue was partially that I have already found my path - being a carer for the sick and disabled, and providing comfort to ageing individuals. Both types of clients. This is my ideal path career wise.

Podiatry is just not... my 9 - 5, full time forever "destined" path which caused a lot of issues.... BUT, I enjoy the course material and enjoy the actual degree at large and I NEED A DEGREE, I am SO determined to FINALLY bloody graduate, even if it is not the actual be all end all career of my life.

With the degree I am planning to run my own business where I offer my support to the disabled, aged care and the podiatry degree will hopefully give me more credibility to pursue the career I WANT even though being a podiatrist is not my lot in life.

I needed a long while to process the fact that I picked the wrong degree - I should have stuck to occupational therapy as a choice.. but picked podiatry last moment purely because grads all get jobs where as occupational therapy has NO jobs basically....
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Old 28th April 2019, 10:31 PM   #87
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He told me directly that I can dwell and accept the depression and hopelessness and stay as I am, or he hopes I can move forward with him towards a better life; he said he doesn't want to leave me behind, but that it was up to me whether or not I chose the life/ lifestyle he needs.
Hope you get back up to speed, if not for his sake, at least for yours. Life knocks us down, what happens from there is up to you. Sounds as though you have ambitious plans and a growing sense of what's needed to get there. Best of luck going forward...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 29th April 2019, 12:22 AM   #88
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Hope you get back up to speed, if not for his sake, at least for yours. Life knocks us down, what happens from there is up to you. Sounds as though you have ambitious plans and a growing sense of what's needed to get there. Best of luck going forward...

Mr. Lucky
Thanks.

I can definitely see us getting married. For a while I didn't know what was going on. He ended up needing time alone, and still does need plenty of time focusing on his own life as it turns out. He just has a lot of inner work and goals to achieve that are for himself - the relationship at large seems to, in terms of hope for the future - hinge on us working on very separate, individual goals that is very, very much needed - in order for the relationship to stand a chance of working together.

I supposed we just have more work to do than the average person which can kill a relationship due to the individual pieces of our lives needing work first with the relationship flowing as a by product, if that makes sense.

We have the same life goals in terms of living, careers, money, we view marriage in the same light... We are more results based - we prefer a lot of TIME, years, and evidence we are heading towards a life together. We have too many individual hurdles and goals to achieve, before we buy into marriage working long term, for life.

Sure, we had the right kind of love from the start and based on feelings and the connection we have - we could have married long ago. But thankfully we knew better than to jump into it simply because most people who are truly in love tend to marry faster than we aim to....

I think when people are mentally whole with minimal work to do in terms of prior trauma's and issues- they meet, fall in love fast and know this person is the One. We went through those feelings too, but life happens and it has not turned out the nice, neat standard way that leads to marriage with emotionally stable, healthy individuals.

Some work is needed. More for me than him at this stage. He has inspired me and is my inspiration to try though, because he overcame even worse issues than I am facing in terms of mental health, and he recovered and is thriving even though it is hard work.

If he can I can, he just has waited very patiently now for me to do as he has done, which is to pull through.
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Old 29th April 2019, 11:57 AM   #89
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Some work is needed. More for me than him at this stage. He has inspired me and is my inspiration to try though, because he overcame even worse issues than I am facing in terms of mental health, and he recovered and is thriving even though it is hard work.

If he can I can, he just has waited very patiently now for me to do as he has done, which is to pull through.
Sounds like you were there for him when he was down, it speaks to your relationship that he's doing the same for you. This can be complicated by outside influences, sometimes friends and/or family might put pressure on him to walk away on the theory you're holding him back.

As I've seen with my daughter, recovery from addiction is a balancing act, sometimes the energy and focus needed to maintain sobriety hinder one's contributions elsewhere. And if you're both dealing with issues, the challenges can grow arithmetically. Seems you have good communication skills, as I'm sure you know keeping the goals front and center is a must.

Much success...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 1st May 2019, 1:28 PM   #90
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Not trying to rain on your parade, but what have you done to support your boyfriend’s sobriety? Former drug addicts get into relapse often. Are you sure he’s ready to be a father?

I get that you don’t like my opinions, so I’ll happily bow out of this thread.
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