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Don't Want a Big Wedding


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 30th September 2018, 11:38 PM   #61
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In Australia 6k won't even get you 3 months of daycare.
We have decided to not put our children in daycare, when and if we are blessed with them at all.

I will either be taking the baby to work with me (which is allowed in my role as confirmed by clients mum/my boss), or my parents are at home and have offered to take baby part time if I wanted to work part time.

Partner earns 1500 to 2000 AUD a week and is in a stable industry with ample employment options even if he lost his job, he can walk into a 1700 a week role tomorrow.

We just do not have, as it stands, a tonne of savings due to only living off his income, and me only working part time.

We are not on welfare or in crap jobs for the long run or even medium term future, but if I gave up my alternative therapies that are so good for managing my health condition, we could save hundreds a week so easily if a baby were to come alone now.

Not everyone wants to wait until mid to late 30's to have kids just so they can amass 50K in savings for daycare.
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Old 1st October 2018, 2:06 AM   #62
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For those perplexed as to why we want children anytime now, when we cannot "even afford a 6K wedding"

NO parent who loves being parents (not all parents do despite loving their children endlessly) - NO parent would say that they would:

- choose living without their child, due to being a bit tight in cash for 2 - 5 years of the kids life

I mean.... no parent who is maternal and LOVES being a mum, would trade their kids, even if it meant being tight for a few years with cash flow. I can see how some mums would - not all mums get great joy from being a mum.

When it comes to bad fertility, which some unfortunate women like myself are cursed with, those extra 2 - 5 years of not being established in your career with loads of savings - could cost us our opportunity to ever have a child at all.

It is bizarre when people make remarks despite having happy healthy children in their lives. They never had to CHOOSE to have kids being poor initially, versus missing out on kids altogether for the sake of being able to say " well, I got myself established, got loads of savings and did the "right" thing but hey, I am now childless and I never get over that pain"

No one gets a medal for doing things the best, most correct way.

And not many children suffered greatly from their parents lacking much savings when the kids very young.

At the end of the day, part of our realistic 5 year plan is to: have savings, own a home and finally be financially secure enough to have 10K for a rainy day/emergency.

Not a plan that makes us want to risk never having children for, due to waiting until my late 30's to even START....

I bet there is a truckload of women who are childless and positively livid that they COULD have had children, and are not in their 40's, very well off with a great career - look at the great lives their children could have had? SO many women online and in real life, including my lecturer at Uni, have ALL warned me against "waiting for everything to be ideal" before kids. They all lobby to save women like myself from a lifetime of regret and heat ache.

Despite having great lives, women like my lecturer have NEVER recovered from their desire to have a child. And she is a very positive, happy person in her own words and her actions. Just a happy lady, you would NEVER feel "sorry" for her at all.

I have spoken at length with some of the most fulfilled women I have known. All the ones who put off children regret it.

So now I have provided a very detailed explanation regarding WHY I am silly enough to go and try to have kids before I have 10K sitting in the bank - lets never mention it in this thread again, and I will only be requesting wedding related posts. What I do with my uterus is my business, ,I am going to go right ahead and have unprotected sex and happily welcome a miracle baby irrespective of whatever anyone here advises me to do.

Thanks for the concern, but our kid/kids would be just find, I am sure a few years of minimal savings will not haunt them for life lol and all their needs will still be met as we are.
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Old 1st October 2018, 2:22 PM   #63
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Im not judging you for choosing to have kids on a tight budget, Leigh. It will require a lot of sacrifices (and I do mean a LOT), but I've personally known people who did it and raised the kids quite well nevertheless. My post that you quoted was in response to the poster who seemed to think that you can do "countless other things" on 6k. Realistically 6k won't be getting anyone a whole lot of stuff (let alone countless!), especially in a country like Australia.



Out of curiosity, how do you know that you can bring your kids to work, when you don't have a job yet? I'd think that sort of privilege would vary according to your workplace and seniority.
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Old 1st October 2018, 8:41 PM   #64
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Leigh, in fairness to the posters here, you were the one framing your wedding choices as dictated by your longer-term family and life planning. But I will say I do know at least two couples---loving and wonderful parents both---who wish they had waited longer before they had children. It's not right to speak in absolutes about what "no one" does.

Have a wedding, don't have a wedding, go to the courthouse or church. The most important thing is you marry the person you're utterly over the moon for and who loves you the same way. Everyone will be happy for you regardless, you will be so giddy together you can't stand it, and nothing else really matters.
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Old 1st October 2018, 8:42 PM   #65
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The way I see it is you should have a small and humble wedding and splurge on the honeymoon. Enjoy spending time together on vacation.
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Old 2nd October 2018, 2:54 AM   #66
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Im not judging you for choosing to have kids on a tight budget, Leigh. It will require a lot of sacrifices (and I do mean a LOT), but I've personally known people who did it and raised the kids quite well nevertheless. My post that you quoted was in response to the poster who seemed to think that you can do "countless other things" on 6k. Realistically 6k won't be getting anyone a whole lot of stuff (let alone countless!), especially in a country like Australia.



Out of curiosity, how do you know that you can bring your kids to work, when you don't have a job yet? I'd think that sort of privilege would vary according to your workplace and seniority.


I have had a job for years now during my studies.

I have been told that they would love me to keep working throughout a pregnancy if I am well enough, and with a baby if I am blessed and lucky enough with a healthy child one day that I am able to just take with me.
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Old 2nd October 2018, 3:22 AM   #67
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Leigh, in fairness to the posters here, you were the one framing your wedding choices as dictated by your longer-term family and life planning. But I will say I do know at least two couples---loving and wonderful parents both---who wish they had waited longer before they had children. It's not right to speak in absolutes about what "no one" does.

Have a wedding, don't have a wedding, go to the courthouse or church. The most important thing is you marry the person you're utterly over the moon for and who loves you the same way. Everyone will be happy for you regardless, you will be so giddy together you can't stand it, and nothing else really matters.
Well that is why we want to spend money on experiences that matter, rather than such a happy day where the feelings of joy involved would be enough- not much else could make us "happier" on the day plus we want kids soon so have to make choices in regards to finance. If we were the types to need an expensive wedding we would wait a few years once we can afford it - as I believe in working for the things you truly want and making it happen. The way we both did with our overseas travel and being single for a lot of our adults lives - we really feel like we have lived a full of a life as possible now and have nothing left we yearn to do, other than having a family. I personally feel as though I have well and truly loved my life to the fullest up until this point.

In an ideal world, if I did not have sh*t fertility and there was a 90% chance I would conceive within a year long period like with most women (85 - 90% depending on country) - if I was the fertile 85- 90% I WOULD indeed, wait two or so more years to begin the process of trying to conceive....It sucks that biology has a limit and despite the numerous professionals who say there is not a high risk of being unable to conceive in your mid 30s to early 40s - I have made my own intelligent and informed decision to take steps to achieve my dreams; this precludes waiting until I am almost 3 to even start for the sake of having more money.

Of course we would BOTH rather have good job. We do not want to be living paycheck to paycheck and living with the bare necessities. We want savings and security and to have a decent quality of life, with some savings who wants to be poor and struggling? Due to PCOS I've been infertile for over 1 year and 3 months- out of the 15 months I have been off the pill. It is not looking good. I have managed to have three healthy 28 day cycles in 1.5 YEARS....At age 34 or 35, I do not have the luxury of choosing when I am able to conceive, because most women with PCOS take YEARS to conceive - at age 31, I DO have the luxury of a few years to spend trying - where as if we waited another 2 or 3 years for the optimal financial landscape to be rolled out -There is a high enough likelihood that I would run out of eggs before I managed to have a PCOS miracle baby.

And that is what babies with PCOS are - miracles. Our bodies do not ovulate, only 50% of u respond to infertility drugs. All the women I know that have this awful disease were infertile for a decade before conceiving children. I am still likely to be at least 36 before I conceive, and even older before I actually carry to term a healthy pregnancy - then there is a high chance I may never conceive and carry a child. So, there is a high chance we will just end up with plenty of money as DINKS anyway; this is not what I would want though, so we are simply giving it our BEST shot to conceive.

So we are actively picking to be a bit broke in order to have a high chance at even HAVING kids at all to achieve our dream of a family and I personally do not believe I will ever look at a miracle baby and think " hmm, gee, I wish I waited and risked having even had a child at all"

Fiance does have a good job and we would have plenty of savings if I did not have to spend 300 a week on natural therapies that manage my condition. We would not be white trash broke or anything too awful......I doubt I could ever wish I had waited due to my infertility

As annoying as being broke can be, I just cannot see it weighing more heavily on my heart than living a life without my own child would.

So that is why we want to start a little earlier, we are not trying to be reckless and harm a prospective baby.
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Old 2nd October 2018, 3:26 AM   #68
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Im not judging you for choosing to have kids on a tight budget, Leigh. It will require a lot of sacrifices (and I do mean a LOT), but I've personally known people who did it and raised the kids quite well nevertheless. My post that you quoted was in response to the poster who seemed to think that you can do "countless other things" on 6k. Realistically 6k won't be getting anyone a whole lot of stuff (let alone countless!), especially in a country like Australia.



Out of curiosity, how do you know that you can bring your kids to work, when you don't have a job yet? I'd think that sort of privilege would vary according to your workplace and seniority.


Fiance earns 1500 - 2K per week, I earn 400 a week part time working...

We spend inordinate amounts on Chinese medicine and acupuncture as this is the only thing that has proven to work with my PCOS and sht hormones. I refuse to just "take the birth control pill" to regular my hormones and then be default, use artificial conception when I want to conceive.

So.. We have okay wages collectively and will have above average combined waged once I graduate podiatry. It is not as though we will be starving and without medical care - I will just need to work and or/quit my acupuncture and just go on the birth control pill to regulate my hormones artificially as opposed to forking out 300 or so a week on potent natural pills and treatments.
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Old 4th October 2018, 3:16 AM   #69
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Im not judging you for choosing to have kids on a tight budget, Leigh. It will require a lot of sacrifices (and I do mean a LOT), but I've personally known people who did it and raised the kids quite well nevertheless. My post that you quoted was in response to the poster who seemed to think that you can do "countless other things" on 6k. Realistically 6k won't be getting anyone a whole lot of stuff (let alone countless!), especially in a country like Australia.
Ok, that other poster just realized that 6000 AUD is 3700 euros, so yes, it is not that much. It would still buy a nice trip or some home furnishing or baby stuff like strollers etc.

If it’s three weeks salary for Leigh’s boyfriend then I don’t get what the fuss is even about.

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Old 4th October 2018, 7:42 AM   #70
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Ok, that other poster just realized that 6000 AUD is 3700 euros, so yes, it is not that much. It would still buy a nice trip or some home furnishing or baby stuff like strollers etc.

If itís three weeks salary for Leighís boyfriend then I donít get what the fuss is even about.
The point was she does NOT want to waste money on parties when she can use them for something productive. IMO thatís an admirable behavior showing sheís ready for her next steps
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Old 7th October 2018, 4:26 PM   #71
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The point was she does NOT want to waste money on parties when she can use them for something productive. IMO thatís an admirable behavior showing sheís ready for her next steps
Thanks. Yes, he offered to treat me to something this weekend but I declined. I want to save as much as we can. I don't believe I'll conceive within two years from now realistically, but it's never too early to build savings.

A 6K wedding just seems laughable when we have no savings and want kids.
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Old 8th October 2018, 12:02 PM   #72
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Thanks. Yes, he offered to treat me to something this weekend but I declined. I want to save as much as we can. I don't believe I'll conceive within two years from now realistically, but it's never too early to build savings.

A 6K wedding just seems laughable when we have no savings and want kids.



I am just concerned that $6k is viewed as such a big sum by you. $6k is NOTHING in the grand scheme of raising kids in this day and age, Leigh. Nothing. It's 3 months of daycare. Even if you stay at home with the kids and thus don't need daycare, you're essentially paying in terms of opportunity cost of your career, i.e. what you COULD earn by being a full-time podiatrist.



If you both are in a position where 6k AUD is such a huge amount to you, you'd better be prepared to make a LOT of lifestyle sacrifices when you have a kid.
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Old 9th October 2018, 3:56 AM   #73
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I am just concerned that $6k is viewed as such a big sum by you. $6k is NOTHING in the grand scheme of raising kids in this day and age, Leigh. Nothing. It's 3 months of daycare. Even if you stay at home with the kids and thus don't need daycare, you're essentially paying in terms of opportunity cost of your career, i.e. what you COULD earn by being a full-time podiatrist.



If you both are in a position where 6k AUD is such a huge amount to you, you'd better be prepared to make a LOT of lifestyle sacrifices when you have a kid.
6k is not a large sum of money to us in a sense.

As it stands, Fiance earns between 1600 bare minimum - to 2200 with overtime, per week after tax.

I earn 350 - 450 a week.

We afford expensive dog food for three large dogs and a cat I recently rescued, in addition to very expensive alternate medical treatment for me, none of which is the least bit covered by even top private health insurance here. SO like 300 a week for me alone in medical care. And he still affords massages for his neck when he needs them (unless we have additional car repair or emergencies that week or month).

Yet we still do have leftover money, we are just late to the game in terms of savings. We started later in life, ten years later than the average person. We are both very similar in this regard and share the same outlook; late in life to get our sh*t together but both doing very well and on a great path, craving financial stability and making marked steps to achieving it.

Hence the wedding to us is very irresponsible given we want kids well within our reproductive years, so much so we are willing to make our dream happen ahead of me establishing myself in my career.

At least he will not need to make career sacrifices and I will get to be a stay at home mum, which is my dream goal. Career is a distant second and why I cannot fathom putting it first over having children. You can still want a career while simultaneously wanting children even more than career progression. And I think this turns out okay when it is only one partner who will sacrifice the career, whilst the other is already in their dream job and on path to provide in the interim, while the mother stays at home and sacrifices.

He has spent 2K this fortnight on car registration and care repairs this week alone and we still manage expensive groceries (loads of meat and fish). So we can afford emergencies but savings need to be built from this point if all goes well for a few months with no major repairs.

Savings are imminent and our focus at this stage, it is super important to start putting more money away for children. Even just a baby.

We are late to the game in terms of savings but we are not struggling and poor to the point of not affording a baby, and we are not so far back in our career trajectories that 6k upfront will be an issue FOR LONG. Moreover our situation is temporary. There is no way someone on his income will struggle to afford 6k for kids for the long run or medium term. This is a short term issue.

I am not sure why 6k would be alarming to us at the end of the day over the course of the child's life. This is a temporary discomfort and sacrifice for long term gain -our dream of a family before a wedding and before my career takes off. Emphatically, I really could not give a crap about my career in favour of kids; I choose kids over career. As much as I want my degree and career, it is NOT important enough to put off having children for.

At least we have top private health cover, which we can afford for our baby too; I go in for a uterine biopsy (wish me luck!) to check for uterine cancer due to my PCOS and having super thick lining despite regular bleeding, and after the surgery I will be fertile (yay! After 1.5 years of total infertility!) They are shaving down the thick lining, drilling my ovaries and flushing my tubes!

So after this surgery, if it goes to plan I will likely fall pregnant next year or the year after (fingers and toes crossed the surgery folds out how it usually does in the majority of women with PCOS).

I guess most people in my position would get the degree and value their degree enough to want to put it first; to go work a few years, save, establish themselves and THEN try for kids. And this is exactly what I WOULD do if I felt I had that luxury of time. But a age 31 and 32 - we are not comfortable with waiting for it all to be lined up the way MOST adults get done ten years EARLIER than us. We cannot catch up 10 years to our peers before we even START to have children, it is not an option since our dream of children are that important to us.

This is not what I want to do, as I really value being a mum so much more than my career. And that is not to say I am ambivalent career wise; I LOVE podiatry and it is super important to me to have a professional role.

Kids just come before career, and wellllllll before any wedding!

We are moving closer and closer to marriage emotionally speaking things get better and better and more solid as time goes by but saving to us is of upmost importance, we REALLY need to formulate a plan possible even with a financial adviser, saving as much as possible is just front and centre of our lives with weddings being a "if we won lotto" desire we would do TOMORROW yet are happy to put on hold in favour or saving.

We do not all get to have it all at once, sometimes we put what is most important to us first despite it not being the ideal order, and it does not make 6K to us a huge deal in the long run of the ENTIRE lifetime of us raising children.....
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Old 9th October 2018, 9:44 AM   #74
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At least he will not need to make career sacrifices and I will get to be a stay at home mum, which is my dream goal. Career is a distant second and why I cannot fathom putting it first over having children. You can still want a career while simultaneously wanting children even more than career progression. And I think this turns out okay when it is only one partner who will sacrifice the career, whilst the other is already in their dream job and on path to provide in the interim, while the mother stays at home and sacrifices.
I'm very surprised to hear you say this, given how extensively in previous threads (particularly when you were trying to figure out what to do for a living) you've talked about how important it was for you to have a career, work full time, and be able to support yourself. To drop all of that when you are seemingly so close to the finish line and your degree (and to say you don't give a crap about it) almost makes it seem like you never really wanted to have to work full time at all. Assuming you do get pregnant in the next year or two, do you think you will ever actually work as a podiatrist?

But anyway, you seem to be somewhat missing the point. It's not just about 6k. You started this thread acting like 6k was a tremendous amount of money to spend, when in reality (as pointed out by several people) it is not a huge amount to spend on a wedding (comparatively speaking) and is nothing in the grand scheme of the tens and hundreds of thousands you will spend raising a child over the course of their life.

It's good that you recognize you should start saving, but I wonder why you haven't started that yet? You keep telling us how much money your fiance makes, and how your focus is saving, but your most recent post indicates that you aren't actually doing that -- you are still spending money on luxuries rather than necessities (e.g. expensive dog food, expensive groceries, etc.) It certainly doesn't seem like saving is your focus right now. And although you talk about making sacrifices in the future, I wonder how realistic that is really going to be for you. How much do you anticipate you will be able to save? Do you two have a budget? Have you tried going through it to see what you can eliminate and to try and formulate a savings plan? You don't need a financial advisor to do this -- and in fact, one of the first things a financial advisor is going to want you to do is put together a budget.

All of that said, at the end of the day, poor people have children, too, so on your fiance's salary you can absolutely raise a child.
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Old 9th October 2018, 12:15 PM   #75
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I'm very surprised to hear you say this, given how extensively in previous threads (particularly when you were trying to figure out what to do for a living) you've talked about how important it was for you to have a career, work full time, and be able to support yourself. To drop all of that when you are seemingly so close to the finish line and your degree (and to say you don't give a crap about it) almost makes it seem like you never really wanted to have to work full time at all. Assuming you do get pregnant in the next year or two, do you think you will ever actually work as a podiatrist?

But anyway, you seem to be somewhat missing the point. It's not just about 6k. You started this thread acting like 6k was a tremendous amount of money to spend, when in reality (as pointed out by several people) it is not a huge amount to spend on a wedding (comparatively speaking) and is nothing in the grand scheme of the tens and hundreds of thousands you will spend raising a child over the course of their life.

It's good that you recognize you should start saving, but I wonder why you haven't started that yet? You keep telling us how much money your fiance makes, and how your focus is saving, but your most recent post indicates that you aren't actually doing that -- you are still spending money on luxuries rather than necessities (e.g. expensive dog food, expensive groceries, etc.) It certainly doesn't seem like saving is your focus right now. And although you talk about making sacrifices in the future, I wonder how realistic that is really going to be for you. How much do you anticipate you will be able to save? Do you two have a budget? Have you tried going through it to see what you can eliminate and to try and formulate a savings plan? You don't need a financial advisor to do this -- and in fact, one of the first things a financial advisor is going to want you to do is put together a budget.

All of that said, at the end of the day, poor people have children, too, so on your fiance's salary you can absolutely raise a child.

Yes we have had a talk.

We have decided to push fertility treatment back to end of next year after I graduate as it is ruling my life and deep down I know my body needs a year mentally and physically to conceive, I just know it is not meant to be before then. Moreover, my degree IS still very important to me - I guess the urge to have a child or two is just soooo much more important.

But I do not want a cop out, I need to see this degree through, this is something that is non negotiable and crucial for me overall fulfilment; I do not see it now, but I know I will come to realise how much I would have regret not having a professional job. I see myself working part time when the kid is young too I do not want to only be a mum, I want the profession thing too albeit not AS much as I want kids. Kids leave and hate you at times, I need an identity outside being a mum and will deprive myself of the person I should be if I do not see this podiatry thing through and know I would regret it.

We have not saved because we suck at it and my medical stuff is pricey and he also has had to spend 2k on his car, as well as a fence and various things that came up.

He only got the good job not so long ago and prior to that was one a very average wage. He had intermittently high paid weeks but never a good solid job with healthy conditions he saw as a long term job - the highly paid ones were 19 hour days with crap hourly rates - the safe jobs were crap paid. So he kept pushing on looking for the ideal job, whilst obviously still working in a lesser job he did not want. You gotta have a job while you look for a dream job after all.

Things have only recently come together for us financially, it was an uphill hard road until recently, he has progressively got better and better jobs until this current jackpot.

We have not been doing well for long enough to save but now we have very seriously spoken about it all. The truth is, since living out of home I have learnt that him and I are the types who need a good solid 1500 plus per week or more to live the way we want - we do not go out even, but just to LIVE without worrying or stress!

And we have only just arrived at that sweat spot where we like the quality of life and feel it would be easy to maintain a nice with savings.

So yes, trying to conceive will be end of next year with ongoing specialist appointments to monitor my condition until then. My uterine lining has gotten too thick and I need surgery and will prob be on some form of birth control until end of next year to manage things with the lining growth.

I let the desire to conceive rule my life when I know in my heart now is not the right time (although we are NOT waiting much longer, only a year). I couldn't focus on my studies and did not give a flip about the wedding anymore

Last edited by Leigh 87; 9th October 2018 at 12:24 PM..
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