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Don't Want a Big Wedding


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 9th August 2018, 10:36 AM   #46
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apologies for grammar, at podiatry school all day until 7.30 then work until late.

I am quitting both jobs end of this year; my final year will entail 12 plus hour days every day and honestly, I do not give a damn about my jobs and only do them for acupuncture which my partner is happy to pay for as it helps me function and gives me regular periods (to the day!).

Def need my money right now to bring me some respite from the drudgery of disguising exams....tattoos, acupuncture (which has changed my life), things that make me happy amongst the pain of university with twos jobs (I go op shopping occasionally for 10 dollar steals of brand new brand names I otherwise buy/love anyway.

I am starting to lean towards waiting it out until a couple of years - we are hoping to have children, and while I have no doubt he will be highly supportive, if I end up battling infertility (I may not!) then it may be a huge toll emotionally and NOT something I want too occur anywhere close to wedding vows; it is a real test of even the most solid couples, I want marriage to be the evidence of this one particular demon I could face.

Either that - or we will actually have the kid and get married after.

I have a hunch we will wait a bit and then still have a small albeit, quality affair.

I do believe marriage is for life but knowing what I know in regards to having children and the potential roadblocks with my PCOS; there is just no knowing how supportive a partner will truly be until you go through it; infertility causes as much grief and despair as cancer and chronic diseases according to scientific research. Even if he is as supportive as I believe him to be, I would rather not be married in the midst of infertility treatments. Just not a happy time......

So..... either NOW asap before we begin treatments, or after treatments/
kids.....
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Old 9th August 2018, 11:25 AM   #47
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3K is not a whole lot to us and is dooable but in podiatry school at my age I just am aiming to get it DONE; meaning, any money I earn goes towards my medical treatment (acupuncture) and things that enhance my study such as placement funds to put me up for potential last min placement allotments (rare but it can happen despite u already arranging free accommodation elsewhere).

We can justify spending a few K **Never 10K plus****, but just not NOW, when we have so much more to focus on.

I guess it will come down to whether we need to be married sooner (prettty much a court house affair with dinner at a nice restaurant after with only my parents) OR - if we will do it in a couple of years instead for the "shocking" 6K Which may I add - is still only enough for a tiny quality wedding anyway

So damn costly.

Think we will wait this one out.

I am a little bit confused about what you actually want now, lol. But anyway... I think, either way, it'll be fine. It just comes down to what you and your fiance think is best. We don't regret waiting a bit so that we could have the wedding we wanted (which isn't "big" or even all that expensive according to statistics, but we did splurge on some things that mattered to us like the venue). But some people don't regret marrying 2 weeks after the proposal in a courthouse, either. As long as both of you are true to what you want (and are able to agree on it), you'll be alright.
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Old 9th August 2018, 1:07 PM   #48
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I am also confused about what you want, Leigh. Why not get quotes from a variety of vendors and then decide what you can afford? There's no sense in deciding anything is off limits until you see the actual numbers.

Some of my friends couldn't afford a "real" wedding so they just signed papers and had an actual celebration years later. We had the spectacular wedding of my dreams and I will always cherish it, but just as dear to my heart is the meal we shared after running to the courthouse on a random Friday afternoon, wearing shorts and T-shirts.

This is your day. Do what you like. There's ultimately no pressure beyond what you put on yourself. Anyone who judges you for what you do or don't do isn't worth your time.
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Old 12th August 2018, 3:43 AM   #49
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I am also confused about what you want, Leigh. Why not get quotes from a variety of vendors and then decide what you can afford? There's no sense in deciding anything is off limits until you see the actual numbers.

Some of my friends couldn't afford a "real" wedding so they just signed papers and had an actual celebration years later. We had the spectacular wedding of my dreams and I will always cherish it, but just as dear to my heart is the meal we shared after running to the courthouse on a random Friday afternoon, wearing shorts and T-shirts.

This is your day. Do what you like. There's ultimately no pressure beyond what you put on yourself. Anyone who judges you for what you do or don't do isn't worth your time.
The wedding of my dreams if money was no object would be to have my kids first - and have them at the wedding.

Would just make my day the best it could be.

So having kids first plus a very small turn, and definitely an OUTSIDE venue too!

That is all I know so far; kid first, outside, and small and not over the top.

The wedding will be in a few years who knows how long it will take us to conceive, could be several years
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Old 14th August 2018, 8:14 AM   #50
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The wedding of my dreams if money was no object would be to have my kids first - and have them at the wedding.

Would just make my day the best it could be.

So having kids first plus a very small turn, and definitely an OUTSIDE venue too!

That is all I know so far; kid first, outside, and small and not over the top.

The wedding will be in a few years who knows how long it will take us to conceive, could be several years

Well, why not wait in that case? In Australia I don't think it matters when you do the official marriage registration, as long as you are living together - de facto couples have all the same legal rights (and liabilities) as married couples if I'm not mistaken.
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Old 18th August 2018, 11:48 PM   #51
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Wow.

Six thousand is an inexpensive wedding. You are smart and practical. My sister's cost 5k, mine was only $260.00 and I paid for it myself. Now.......my niece? Her wedding was over the top ridiculous. It must have set my BIL back a lot, despite the fact that he was loaded. The kicker is, they got divorced one year to the day after that ostentatious show. My BIL told her that the next time, she was getting married in the back yard, and I don't blame him.
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Old 19th August 2018, 10:36 AM   #52
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Six thousand is an inexpensive wedding. You are smart and practical. My sister's cost 5k, mine was only $260.00 and I paid for it myself. Now.......my niece? Her wedding was over the top ridiculous. It must have set my BIL back a lot, despite the fact that he was loaded. The kicker is, they got divorced one year to the day after that ostentatious show. My BIL told her that the next time, she was getting married in the back yard, and I don't blame him.

It really surprises me that in this day and age, anyone would agree to letting their parents pay the entire bill for an expensive wedding, or that parents would even offer to pay the entire bill ("helping out" with a small sum as a gift is different). IMO, there is nothing wrong with a couple having whatever wedding they want - as long as they pay for it themselves rather than letting anyone else do so.
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Old 6th September 2018, 6:05 AM   #53
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It really surprises me that in this day and age, anyone would agree to letting their parents pay the entire bill for an expensive wedding, or that parents would even offer to pay the entire bill ("helping out" with a small sum as a gift is different). IMO, there is nothing wrong with a couple having whatever wedding they want - as long as they pay for it themselves rather than letting anyone else do so.
Yeah I am really feeling you there.

Fiance agrees - we do not feel right about parents offering to pay and have decided to actually have kids before getting married, and being in the position to finance the wedding ourselves. Like adults lol.

It feels right to get married anyways only after we are a the stage where , you know, you can afford to pay for our own sh*t
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Old 6th September 2018, 6:09 AM   #54
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I am all for parents helping in times of need, but I would rather limit that to emergencies like medical emergencies or the like. When we really need it, if it ever comes to that.

A wedding is a luxury and not a given, it is not an urgent must have item.

I won't ever have a big wedding but I would like to wait a few years and at least have a nice day out of it, preferably with a kid by then. A nice day wedding that is very small is still, realistically, 6K so I Will just have to swallow my pride and buy into the whole expensive wedding package.

It will be a symbol of what we have come out of - a hard time. When we were poor, students/ him starting his new career and finding a long term stable job. I only really want a "nice day" with very few people, but I have since learnt that even a nice day with very minimal people is till not a cheap day when it comes to a wedding
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Old 27th September 2018, 11:28 AM   #55
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Yeah I am really feeling you there.

Fiance agrees - we do not feel right about parents offering to pay and have decided to actually have kids before getting married, and being in the position to finance the wedding ourselves. Like adults lol.

It feels right to get married anyways only after we are a the stage where , you know, you can afford to pay for our own sh*t

Pardon me Leigh but if you don't have 6k to pay for your wedding how will you be able to raise children? If you are not in a financial situation where you can go to a bank and borrow 6K, or in a position where you can pay your own sh*t as you say, then you're not ready to have children.
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Old 28th September 2018, 4:51 AM   #56
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Pardon me Leigh but if you don't have 6k to pay for your wedding how will you be able to raise children? If you are not in a financial situation where you can go to a bank and borrow 6K, or in a position where you can pay your own sh*t as you say, then you're not ready to have children.
Maybe they can afford children because they donít spend money on things that arenít necessities?

Honestly I wouldnít borrow money for a wedding that I canít afford out of pocket. There are countless other things that a young couple could do with that money. I find the idea of pretending some faux lifestyle for one day odd. I understand that people want a memorable day but it can be achieved within your means. Just inviting family and closest friends sounds reasonable to me.

Then again I live in a country where the average income is lower than Australia or Canada so my view could be affected by that.
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Old 28th September 2018, 2:00 PM   #57
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Maybe they can afford children because they donít spend money on things that arenít necessities?

Honestly I wouldnít borrow money for a wedding that I canít afford out of pocket. There are countless other things that a young couple could do with that money. I find the idea of pretending some faux lifestyle for one day odd. I understand that people want a memorable day but it can be achieved within your means. Just inviting family and closest friends sounds reasonable to me.

Then again I live in a country where the average income is lower than Australia or Canada so my view could be affected by that.

In Australia 6k won't even get you 3 months of daycare.
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Old 30th September 2018, 11:11 PM   #58
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Pardon me Leigh but if you don't have 6k to pay for your wedding how will you be able to raise children? If you are not in a financial situation where you can go to a bank and borrow 6K, or in a position where you can pay your own sh*t as you say, then you're not ready to have children.
With respect, I am happily going to try and conceive whenever I am next fertile. I have been fertile for three months in 1.5 years. I am 31 years old.

I mean, when our car broke down yesterday, we could afford to fix it. A 1000 or so upfront. Fiance just got promoted and has a good income now, with 1500 AUD a week and my part time wage - I am sure we will start to save small amounts NOW. Just not necessarily 5 or 6K at any given day. the baby would have food and medical needs met as it is. Just not a heap of savings.

Yes, an option for us could have been to use protection and then once we get our sh*t together financially when we are around 35, start trying.
Our desire to have a family with my crap fertility status, makes that above option abhorrent (to us). But ultimately, we are not going to do something that feels wrong and upsets us just because some people think we should do it. THEY are not the ones who have to face a life of childlessness; we are the ones who stand to lose out on our dream of having a family. We are the ones who live with our decisions. We are the ones who would have to endure the depression and despair if we remained childless. No one else would have to live with our decisions but us. I know how devastated I would be if I missed out on having children for any reason; I cannot bear the thought of missing out on kids due to career and money.

Being left with a career and financial stability would mean nothing to me, I wouldn't truly enjoy it all without having my own biological family.

Not protecting in my case still means that it is highly likely that I will still take years to conceive and carry. I am guaranteed a few miscarriages with my disease too. So, even after a 1 or 2 year period that it will take to conceive just ONCE - when I do conceive after trying 1 or 2 years, I will likely lose a few pregnancy and then take another year to conceive again. So...the reality is... I will be mid 30's by the time I conceive AND carry a pregnancy anyway and that is likely with medical assistance too. 36 is probably the earliest realistically, where a successful pregnancy will occur. And 36 is likely the earliest it will occur IF we start trying NOW. We didn't want to get to 35 or 36 or so, before we even START trying.. At the age we will finally have decent savings and our sh*t together, we will not HAVE the 5 or 6 years up our sleeve (that it usually takes woman like me to conceive and/or carry).

I am a science person and as a couple we have realistically weighed up our options and decided to take charge of my fertility and our dreams, rather than risking depression and suicidal thoughts due to picking financial security over having kids. When we can still achieve BOTH objectives, albeit the finances a little later on by a few years. If there is even a tiny chance that we could conceive naturally without spending 1000's on fertility specialists and without waiting 4 to 5 years for a successful pregnancy -- then we are all for that, as it will save us money and heart ache in the long run. To us, it would be worth having a baby 4 or 5 years before we are financially doing well.

I pick having children over career and financial security. Although, I will thankfully not have to choose one of the other, it MAY just work out that kids may come along first due to biology not giving us the opportunity to achieve them in the usual, traditional and "best case scenario" order of affairs. MORE likely though - is us being financially stable before kids come along, due to my me being infertile the majority of the time with very limited windows where I am ABLE to conceive.

Fiance has a good job. It is only me that is a year off being a podiatrist and having a good job too. And then a year or two of hard savings would provide a decent enough emergency savings account..

I am not willing to play Russian roulette with my fertility, and since we are the ones who have to live with the consequences of our actions we are doing what is best for us - and our child will be fine, our lack of savings is temporary, child would afford all the good things in life by the time they are in school. Plenty of parents have no savings when they have babies and catch up just fine.

If single mums manage to have babies poor and then catch up within 5 or so years - I am sure we will do it especially considering my fiance already has a good job and has started to save as it is and I am only one year off the same prospect.

I feel great about my decision and know deep down that we will not be having kids anytime soon anyway, even without using contraception.

Last edited by Leigh 87; 30th September 2018 at 11:21 PM..
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Old 30th September 2018, 11:31 PM   #59
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Maybe they can afford children because they don’t spend money on things that aren’t necessities?

Honestly I wouldn’t borrow money for a wedding that I can’t afford out of pocket. There are countless other things that a young couple could do with that money. I find the idea of pretending some faux lifestyle for one day odd. I understand that people want a memorable day but it can be achieved within your means. Just inviting family and closest friends sounds reasonable to me.

Then again I live in a country where the average income is lower than Australia or Canada so my view could be affected by that.
We can afford food and medical needs for a baby as it is. Due to me studying and having a part time income, we just cannot save 1000's at a time, at any given time. I also spend 250 a week on my medical issues, on natural therapies as they work better than just throwing women like me on the birth control pill but that is another story.

If baby came earlier than anticipated (it takes years for women like me to conceive, I have been infertile for a year and 2 months out of the 1.5 years being off birth control) - I would happily forgo my treatment.

We would then save 1000's by me simply going without the Chinese medicine and acupuncture that makes my condition more manageable, in order to provide security and savings for a baby. I would soon get a good job in a year or so from NOW, and then be able to not only well provide for a baby but resume my own self care.

We can afford rent, two cars, 3 dogs and one cat AND 100's a week on natural therapies for my condition, AND to fix our cars when they need it. We can afford a child. As a mum, I would just go without my treatment without a second thought and manage it by being more strict with my diet.

We also have emergency help from family so pride aside, baby would be just fine and have access to everything a little person should.

My employer actually said to me recently that when I have a baby, I am welcome to take it with me to my job. I take a disabled client to the pool once or twice a week (high functioning can dress himself etc is just autistic and needs a driver and companion). The employer is the clients mother. She seemed very eager to help facilitate me still working despite babies and would love to see me have a baby.

My fiance can actually afford for me to not work at all for a few years. I just do happen to graduate podiatry in a year, so thankfully, I would have the option in the near future to provide too.

SO we are not exactly welfare recipients in menial wage jobs with no imminent prospects of cash flow with savings.
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Old 30th September 2018, 11:34 PM   #60
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I am happy to accept emergency help if I had a baby and something tragic were to happen. Most people do not have 10s of 1000s for emergencies anyway.

I am not happy to accept money from parents for non emergencies however, like weddings.

As you can all see, we are pushing back any wedding related expenses ad we are too focused on saving for a baby and on having a family, which matters more to us than a piece of paper/marriage at this life stage we are currently sitting at.
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