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Don't Want a Big Wedding


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 5th August 2018, 8:44 AM   #31
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Leigh87

Your cousin sounds like a lovely person. If you think she'd be OK throwing her home open for this do ask her & offer the before & after cleaning. Even if you & your family will be cooking, 30 people is a lot for a DIY. Do consider hiring somebody to help keep the serving trays full & clean as you go. You really don't want to be cleaning in your beautiful dress. Savor the day.

Whatever you plan, have a fantastic marriage.
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Old 6th August 2018, 12:09 AM   #32
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I don't know what I would do without my fiance, it scares me really how I much I love him and love him being my partner.

The way I personally "feel" about a wedding is.... It feels sort of like donating to a charity and then telling people; not something I would ever do.

I feel what we have just is and there is no need for anyone to have to be told how happy we are.

I know a lot of friends on the other hand (well.. probably most women are more like this) that feel the opposite, and relish sharing their happiness with others.

Another factor that would likely dissuade us from a "normal" wedding is that we both have always HATED standing up in front of a group and being the centre of attention; no matter how attractive I have felt even at my best - I still feel immensely uncomfortable with all eyes in a room being on me (not that I am exactly a show stopper that gets that sort of reaction LOL but you catch my drift!).

Here is my looong list of priorities well before the wedding lol
- save for a house
- weekly acupuncture and Chinese herbs (they have changed my life and literally cured my depression and social anxiety and any anxiety for that matter! Not to mention that I get regular periods now and sleep!)
- potential fertility treatments (although ovary drilling is on my health fund and is only 250 dollars!)
- IF.... I had ANY money left over from all that crap (unlikely) it needs to go into savings for emergencies such as vet bills (we own THREE big dogs :O )

It is all well and good for your parents to offer to pay but in the end, I have decided I am uncomfortable with it. I aim to take care of them both after I graduate, and eventually have them move into a house with us with their own part of the house. I want to help them, not take their money at this stage in my life and on wards. It would be different if they ere loaded, but they barely have retirement money as it is beyond mums super (dad is disabled and doesn't work).

Our marriage will be a great day but a small one that doesn't require money beyond a cleaner and my make up.

I am sure my mum will respect my wishes.

Thanks for all your advice, I am sure if we were well off and had saved a lot and had excess money to spare, we would likely get married at the venue which we had our first date at albeit still a tiny wedding party of no more than 20 people is my final thought on the size irrespective of how much my other would try and impose more people on me....

Thanks for the private message to the poster it really helped me make a decision.

We will me married once we feel the time is right, whenever that is! It could be this year or the next year or thereafter depending what happens.

Having kids with him is so much more important to me than marriage since marriage is only a formality on what we already are in my mind.
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Old 6th August 2018, 12:20 AM   #33
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Leigh87

Your cousin sounds like a lovely person. If you think she'd be OK throwing her home open for this do ask her & offer the before & after cleaning. Even if you & your family will be cooking, 30 people is a lot for a DIY. Do consider hiring somebody to help keep the serving trays full & clean as you go. You really don't want to be cleaning in your beautiful dress. Savor the day.

Whatever you plan, have a fantastic marriage.
I have a endocrine condition where I need to be avoiding carbs when possible which I find effortless anyway, I like preparing salads and meat dishes and my parents are great cooks.

I will without question be hiring a cleaner though.

And make up.

How do you find a good celebrant? I think I will just meet a few and pick the one I connect best with rather than go on price and how "exclusive" or experienced they may seem. They all have to start somewhere, and perhaps the best one may be only just starting out?
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Old 6th August 2018, 1:49 AM   #34
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Yeah. Totally screw that

Just no. It just is not what marriage means to me at all.. it is more the will we last forever after kids (or as those of you who are privy to my history know - will we get past infertility and the possible deep depression that a childless life wouldl put me into?)

Marriage is just a formality really, as we prefer using the words husband and wife; just do not value the spending 100000s to do it, due to all the other things we want to invest money on well above the official act of saying "I do"

I am leaning towards my parents or cousin (she has a lovely house and garden and would be happy if I asked her). My parents and I would cook, we all enjoy cooking and cook nice food.

Only expense? A cleaner and hair and make up plus the celebrant and the legal stuff..... Already have the dress I want.

Plus alcohol.


Will have under 30 guests.



Maybe a bit later into our 30s - we would be happy to go the whole hog - catering thrown in and a few thousand.......

But....very unlikely

Leigh.... I made that list based on what YOU said you wanted. The list IS for the bolded, with the sole addition of catering. If you cook (have you cooked for that many guests before? Are you sure you can do it on your wedding day?), you can probably get catering down to $10-20 p/p, but the other costs will still exist. At under 30 guests, you are still looking at a couple of thousand. You need to bear in mind that a celebrant is usually $400-500 , and legal costs are almost $200. That in itself will take up $700, so you only have $300 for EVERYTHING else. It is not possible to get professional hair and makeup, a cleaner, food, and alcohol for $300.

It's absolutely possible to do a wedding under $1000 for 20-30 guests but you have to be more realistic about what you can get. With that price, you are likely looking at having your hair and makeup done by yourself (or a friend), a celebrant, and a picnic (no alcohol). Alternatively, you can get married at a registry office (no celebrant) and host a dinner party for your guests later.
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Last edited by Elswyth; 6th August 2018 at 3:54 AM..
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Old 6th August 2018, 7:18 AM   #35
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IHow do you find a good celebrant? I think I will just meet a few and pick the one I connect best with rather than go on price and how "exclusive" or experienced they may seem. They all have to start somewhere, and perhaps the best one may be only just starting out?
Meeting with them & finding the one that click best with you is the right wat to go.

The celebrants for our wedding were teachers from the religious high school I attended. I had known them all my life & wanted to be married by friends.
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Old 6th August 2018, 7:24 AM   #36
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Els, she said UNDER 30 guests, which may mean 29 or but may mean also 5.

Let say 15 for simplicity. She wants makeup not hair done (gosh ‘professional ‘ make up always make me cringe- dirty brushes, old pans no matter how much they clean them yuk.... for women that put make up every day and know how to do it well IMO is a meaningless expense ... Nobody knows your face better than yourself but alas...). Let’s take the median of your estimate for food: 15/pp.

I’m leaving alcohol at 30/pp although this is also cringeworthy - how many drinks /pp will this entail??? Sounds like a party for alcoholics if more than 2drinks/pp especially taking out the people that won’t drink, kids etc. But anyway, keeping it at 30 for simplicity.

- Professional makeup (without trial or lashes): $150
- Celebrant: $500
- Official registration: $200
- Cheap catering (diy) : $15 p/p
- Cheap alcohol: $30 p/p
- Cleaner: $100

It’s only 1625. This can be tweaked to closer to 1000 e.g. if 5 guests are non-drinkers and she finds a celebrant for less money

Just chipping in because I think wedding costs are soooo overestimated and has seen it recently in action done for cheap.

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Leigh.... I made that list based on what YOU said you wanted. The list IS for the bolded, with the sole addition of catering. If you cook (have you cooked for that many guests before? Are you sure you can do it on your wedding day?), you can probably get catering down to $10-20 p/p, but the other costs will still exist. At under 30 guests, you are still looking at a couple of thousand. You need to bear in mind that a celebrant is usually $400-500 , and legal costs are almost $200. That in itself will take up $700, so you only have $300 for EVERYTHING else. It is not possible to get professional hair and makeup, a cleaner, food, and alcohol for $300.

It's absolutely possible to do a wedding under $1000 for 20-30 guests but you have to be more realistic about what you can get. With that price, you are likely looking at having your hair and makeup done by yourself (or a friend), a celebrant, and a picnic (no alcohol). Alternatively, you can get married at a registry office (no celebrant) and host a dinner party for your guests later.

Last edited by No_Go; 6th August 2018 at 7:26 AM..
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Old 6th August 2018, 11:13 AM   #37
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Els, she said UNDER 30 guests, which may mean 29 or but may mean also 5.

Let say 15 for simplicity. She wants makeup not hair done (gosh Ďprofessional Ď make up always make me cringe- dirty brushes, old pans no matter how much they clean them yuk.... for women that put make up every day and know how to do it well IMO is a meaningless expense ... Nobody knows your face better than yourself but alas...). Letís take the median of your estimate for food: 15/pp.

Iím leaving alcohol at 30/pp although this is also cringeworthy - how many drinks /pp will this entail??? Sounds like a party for alcoholics if more than 2drinks/pp especially taking out the people that wonít drink, kids etc. But anyway, keeping it at 30 for simplicity.

- Professional makeup (without trial or lashes): $150
- Celebrant: $500
- Official registration: $200
- Cheap catering (diy) : $15 p/p
- Cheap alcohol: $30 p/p
- Cleaner: $100

Itís only 1625. This can be tweaked to closer to 1000 e.g. if 5 guests are non-drinkers and she finds a celebrant for less money

Just chipping in because I think wedding costs are soooo overestimated and has seen it recently in action done for cheap.

Where have you seen it done for cheaper? My estimates are for Sydney, Australia - one of the places in the world with the highest costs for everything.



It's true that "under 30" could mean 9.... but that's a fairly useless number then, because technically it could also mean 2. When someone keeps throwing out 20 or 30, I'd use that number.
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Old 6th August 2018, 11:13 AM   #38
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I am leaning towards my parents or cousin (she has a lovely house and garden and would be happy if I asked her). My parents and I would cook, we all enjoy cooking and cook nice food.
You should absolutely, 100% do whatever you want on your wedding day, but please consider whether you really want to be spending the morning of your wedding cooking food and getting a house ready for party. (How is this going to fit in with you having your hair and makeup done and getting ready?) Have you thrown a party for 20-30 people? It's a lot of work.

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Only expense? A cleaner and hair and make up plus the celebrant and the legal stuff..... Already have the dress I want.

Plus alcohol.

Will have under 30 guests.
You will also need to pay for the food. You can do it cheaply, depending on what you want to serve.
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Old 6th August 2018, 1:03 PM   #39
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I saw it in the US, New England - also quite expensive part of the world. It was only a month ago. The key was the number of guests: they had ~15 guests only, and that included few kids. Plus the celebrant was a family friend, so I am not sure they charged anything.

I think the high costs come for people that invite lots of guests, e.g. 50 or more. Otherwise it is easy because it can be just a normal restaurant reservation and/or party in someone's home.

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Where have you seen it done for cheaper? My estimates are for Sydney, Australia - one of the places in the world with the highest costs for everything.



It's true that "under 30" could mean 9.... but that's a fairly useless number then, because technically it could also mean 2. When someone keeps throwing out 20 or 30, I'd use that number.
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Old 6th August 2018, 10:49 PM   #40
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Leigh.... I made that list based on what YOU said you wanted. The list IS for the bolded, with the sole addition of catering. If you cook (have you cooked for that many guests before? Are you sure you can do it on your wedding day?), you can probably get catering down to $10-20 p/p, but the other costs will still exist. At under 30 guests, you are still looking at a couple of thousand. You need to bear in mind that a celebrant is usually $400-500 , and legal costs are almost $200. That in itself will take up $700, so you only have $300 for EVERYTHING else. It is not possible to get professional hair and makeup, a cleaner, food, and alcohol for $300.

It's absolutely possible to do a wedding under $1000 for 20-30 guests but you have to be more realistic about what you can get. With that price, you are likely looking at having your hair and makeup done by yourself (or a friend), a celebrant, and a picnic (no alcohol). Alternatively, you can get married at a registry office (no celebrant) and host a dinner party for your guests later.

I am looking at spending maybe 3k. Including a cleaner, hair and make up.

1k is not going to be enough to cover a cleaner and my make up etc.

I am wanting to just have a usual dinner with family, that happens to have a celebrant and marriage included in the dinner party type of thing plus cleaner and make up but otherwise, like any regular family/dinner party with guests.

I just want it low key like any other dinner party that happens to include two people getting officially married. I do not want to raise the bar beyond what is considered to be a normal occasion, I just want the marriage to speak for itself because it is just what feels right for us.
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Old 6th August 2018, 10:57 PM   #41
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You should absolutely, 100% do whatever you want on your wedding day, but please consider whether you really want to be spending the morning of your wedding cooking food and getting a house ready for party. (How is this going to fit in with you having your hair and makeup done and getting ready?) Have you thrown a party for 20-30 people? It's a lot of work.



You will also need to pay for the food. You can do it cheaply, depending on what you want to serve.

I have decided to buy the food and hire a cook and cleaner.

3 - 4 k absolute tops is my budget irrespective of my being a podiatrist soon and him having a good job currently.

I am sure that will cover a cleaner, make up and paying for fairly basic home cooked style meals that someone can cook - I may look to hire a newly experienced chef/ caterer who is looking for experience and wants experience on their resume which could be win win'; usually, when I get a good feeling about a person entering into a situation with me I always am right in my assessment (whether it feels like the right fit or whether it could end badly).

When it comes to cooking (unlike medical procedures), I believe up and coming chefs or caterers or cooks can still be pretty good!

I suppose I would need to trial them for dinner first; I would pay them to demonstrate their skills and cook me dinner just to see whether (or not) fiance and I like their food?

Have any of you tried up and coming, fledgling professionals and found their services to still be up to par?

I would never do it for eyebrow waxing for instance; I ALWAYS get the most experienced person possible for certain things. When I see my fertility specialist this year, again; I am going to a seasoned expert in PCOS which is what will make getting pregnant a little more difficult compared to most women. I would never hire a beginner in it.

I know you get what you pay for, I am not expecting a 5 star banquet for low price - but I am sure there are beginner cooks or caterers who are actually talented at putting together basic, home cooked meals and are looking to build references/clients....
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Old 7th August 2018, 5:36 AM   #42
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I am looking at spending maybe 3k. Including a cleaner, hair and make up.

1k is not going to be enough to cover a cleaner and my make up etc.

I am wanting to just have a usual dinner with family, that happens to have a celebrant and marriage included in the dinner party type of thing plus cleaner and make up but otherwise, like any regular family/dinner party with guests.

I just want it low key like any other dinner party that happens to include two people getting officially married. I do not want to raise the bar beyond what is considered to be a normal occasion, I just want the marriage to speak for itself because it is just what feels right for us.

Ah, okay. Based on your response to my calculations I thought you were balking at spending $2-3k! Since after all, that was the amount that I quoted and you said "Yeah. Totally screw thatJust no.".


$3k for what you want is doable.
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Old 8th August 2018, 7:14 AM   #43
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My best friend from high school is a professional private chef, but I have followed his career from culinary school to catering to Michelin-starred restaurants to where he is today. Also, being a huge food nerd, I have a ton of friends in the industry. Let me tell you this right now: you want a professional.

When you get catering, the price and quality of the food is honestly not that huge a part of it, because the company isn't buying at cost. What you're mostly paying for is the time and labor that goes into preparation, setup, etc. It is expensive and a colossal pain in the ass, but it's necessary for doing it right. Putting a junior cook erases the cost advantage of a professional (kids out of culinary school aren't getting substantial industry discounts) and having them in a home environment is a minefield. Do you really want to spend your wedding day running errands because your cook doesn't have chafing dishes/an immersion blender/enough gruyere? What about insurance?

Catering, even a "fairly basic meal", is a lot of work and you are going to end up paying a good chunk of change either way. If the quality of the food isn't that critical to you, you might as well get a professional who knows how to coordinate a menu and servings for your guests and will take care of clean-up.

My parents hosted our pre-wedding (not technically a rehearsal; there was nothing to rehearse!) dinner. We just picked up the city's best barbecue and sides and my mom made a few appetizers. There were about 15 of us and the total cost came to not even twenty dollars per person. You can keep it simple, but you want to pay to avoid headaches.
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Old 9th August 2018, 10:17 AM   #44
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My best friend from high school is a professional private chef, but I have followed his career from culinary school to catering to Michelin-starred restaurants to where he is today. Also, being a huge food nerd, I have a ton of friends in the industry. Let me tell you this right now: you want a professional.

When you get catering, the price and quality of the food is honestly not that huge a part of it, because the company isn't buying at cost. What you're mostly paying for is the time and labor that goes into preparation, setup, etc. It is expensive and a colossal pain in the ass, but it's necessary for doing it right. Putting a junior cook erases the cost advantage of a professional (kids out of culinary school aren't getting substantial industry discounts) and having them in a home environment is a minefield. Do you really want to spend your wedding day running errands because your cook doesn't have chafing dishes/an immersion blender/enough gruyere? What about insurance?

Catering, even a "fairly basic meal", is a lot of work and you are going to end up paying a good chunk of change either way. If the quality of the food isn't that critical to you, you might as well get a professional who knows how to coordinate a menu and servings for your guests and will take care of clean-up.

My parents hosted our pre-wedding (not technically a rehearsal; there was nothing to rehearse!) dinner. We just picked up the city's best barbecue and sides and my mom made a few appetizers. There were about 15 of us and the total cost came to not even twenty dollars per person. You can keep it simple, but you want to pay to avoid headaches.

hmmmm.

This has given my something to think about.

I am not a foodie but do occasionally love splashing out on a fancy meal; although cost does not always translate to taste!; but the best meals likely do cost in commensurate to the quality).

I would rather save up and wait until we are at a more financially stable time in our lives and have a stress free wedding rather than do it on the cheap and worry about whether or not the chef MIGHT be able to execute basic meals with ease/without stuffing up...

It seems: courthouse eloping PLUS dinner following it. At the restaurant went on first date. Just parents and Fiance.

OR wait and do it properly, albeit conservatively as can be WITHOUT hiring a dud yet NOT the most expensive venue; basically, the least expensive option of quality be it a very very small (parents and fiance) at home thing, or at a venue.

Surely it is not 10K for 10 damn people to eat decent food? I would rather narrow it down just to Pete and my parents (so FOUR people!), and eat NICE food to remember - rather than skimp costs, get crap food and crap quality.

I have never wanted to be married in front of anyone other than my own parents as it matters to them. Just want him as my husband.

I am thinking a nice dinner following a court house marriage is the way to go. Simple, meaningful, we won't feel guilty at my parents who actually WANT to pay for a wedding as it is just... who they are to naturally FEEL like they want to do it.... This way, parents would feel happy to be helping without breaking the bank. And it is what we would prefer. Win win.
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Old 9th August 2018, 10:23 AM   #45
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Ah, okay. Based on your response to my calculations I thought you were balking at spending $2-3k! Since after all, that was the amount that I quoted and you said "Yeah. Totally screw thatJust no.".


$3k for what you want is doable.

3K is not a whole lot to us and is dooable but in podiatry school at my age I just am aiming to get it DONE; meaning, any money I earn goes towards my medical treatment (acupuncture) and things that enhance my study such as placement funds to put me up for potential last min placement allotments (rare but it can happen despite u already arranging free accommodation elsewhere).

We can justify spending a few K **Never 10K plus****, but just not NOW, when we have so much more to focus on.

I guess it will come down to whether we need to be married sooner (prettty much a court house affair with dinner at a nice restaurant after with only my parents) OR - if we will do it in a couple of years instead for the "shocking" 6K Which may I add - is still only enough for a tiny quality wedding anyway

So damn costly.

Think we will wait this one out.
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