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Fiancee doesn't know what she wants anymore


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Old 26th January 2018, 6:57 PM   #1
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Fiancee doesn't know what she wants anymore

My fiancee starting hanging out with a coworker who is a lesiban. She has a crush on my fiancee but she is straight. Still they have become close. They text a lot and she says things that make her realize what she's missing in our relationship.

She says I don't act like I love her the same way anymore. And I'm constantly on my phone and don't do romantic things. She fears that we are just comfortable with one another and maybe she's too young to get married (23).

I told her that I would work on myself and be a better lover. But she is still afraid to take a chance. She says she wants to be with and that she loves me but still unsure on what she wants to do. I don't want to lose her. I love her very much. Please help.
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Old 26th January 2018, 7:47 PM   #2
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Few questions:

How long have you been dating? Do you live together?

And now what to do....

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Originally Posted by Dema07 View Post
She says I don't act like I love her the same way anymore. And I'm constantly on my phone and don't do romantic things. She fears that we are just comfortable with one another and maybe she's too young to get married (23).

I told her that I would work on myself and be a better lover. But she is still afraid to take a chance. She says she wants to be with and that she loves me but still unsure on what she wants to do. I don't want to lose her. I love her very much. Please help.
First you need to learn that ACTIONS speak louder then words...

So don't tell her you will work on yourself, DO work on yourself.

Those damn cell phones are insidious, and can really damage relationships. I miss the days when I lived in a place without cell service!

My advice, get control of your phone use. Set timers or something, but put the damn phone down, and give your girlfriend attention instead. She is WAY more important, interesting and has much more to offer than any phone distraction.

SET DOWN THE PHONE. Try leaving in another room for a few hours in the evening. Leave it in your pocket if you are having dinner with her etc. Make her more important than screen time.

There is a saying that relationships are like a garden. In order for a garden to grow and become something beautiful they must be tended to. That means watered (attention and love) weeded (dedication / loyalty) and tended to every single day. Otherwise it will wither and die, or get over grown with weeds.

So, you don't want to lose her? Make her feel important, heard and seen. Give her more attention than you do that screen. SHOW HER through actions to change her mind, not cheap talk.
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Old 26th January 2018, 7:57 PM   #3
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First of all put the brakes on all wedding plans. Get any deposits back & don't pay another dime while you work this out.


Then put your phone down & be romantic. Why is that so hard? When was the last time you slow danced with her? Bought her flowers? Sent her a love note? Snuggled with her? Took candle lit bubble bath?
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Old 26th January 2018, 10:05 PM   #4
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We've been together for two years, and do not live together. She says that she's worried she might make a mistake and wants to work on herself. Kinda feels like it might be too late.
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Old 26th January 2018, 10:49 PM   #5
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i counseled my daughter on a very similar situation to what you are going through.My daughter is a lesbian who has a couple who live together as close friends.She loves both not in any other way than as friends and contrary to common held belief ...lesbians cam have straight female friends and not be attracted to them sexually and not all lesbians are man haters...my daughter has many male friends....most have wanted her sexually.....some are genuine friends.... her closest friend is actually male..my daughter is extremely athletic... anyway back to the topic.....this couple she is friends with both and loves them both.....they are childhood sweethearts and have been together for quite a while.....my daughter si a beautiful girl and thoughtful to the extreme, soft hearted and kind, generous and loyal active and fun...a perfect listener..... and a real romantic at heart......so ....this young woman of the couple is now starting to question her own sexuality and my daughter was concerned it was her fault......where i explained women understand women...they know what women want ....and when a relationship between a man and a woman is in trouble and a woman is coming to you to talk about her change in feelings towards women....its not women she is talking about its you.......its not other women she is attracted to ...its you....the bf unwittingly said...and here is his big mistake here...

Quote:
i don't mind you are attracted to women as long as you are with me...you can be with other women its just other men i worry about......
again that's a mistake .....and i guess he figured out that its not just female that his gf is confused about.......its my daughter...who is actually fiercely monogamous in her relationships...and finally...as he should be scared...he was scared.....my daughter is a serious contender for anyone to be swayed to leave a relationship for....no tthat she would ever want that or encourage that...but it happens..
...he started to act funny about my daughter hanging out with his gf...which upset my daughter because she sees them both as friends......and i have counseled her to take a step back for a little while...and to be prepared with a gentle re buff if the female friend says something to her about her attraction towards her...i told my daughter i could be wrong...but i havent been yet....and my daughter hung her head when i said to her have i been wrong yet about anyone you have been confused about or have i been wrogn when i have sai dthey are going to come on to you.....she has said mum you are crazy i go ok we iwll talk soon ok...and then

....i help my daughter reject males and females ......because she finds it hard.....people fall in love with my daughter, friends of hers ...strangers in the street ....not because she is gay but because she is a beautiful person inside and out who makes you feel special when you are with her.....its that simple....nothing to do with sex.....

i have had problems in this area myself...and i consider myself to be pretty near the bottom in looks......but its in friendship.....and the understanding loyalty and tiem i am willing to give to nurture friendships that makes guys see who i am ...


its what you need to do ...bring the romance time understanding listening loyalty and patience.....tenderness make it key

if you think its about sex it isnt...its about how you treat somebody ultimately makes them fall for you and stay fallen.....to keep them...you must stay constant it must be what you are about and part of you...natural and unforced and no ulterior motives........and that takes work

you personally have set the stage for your gf to feel neglected....you need to fix it....the phone is a huge issue.....its possible your gfs heart has been swayed by a female friend who gives her the attention that is lacking from you......if it were a male friend....she wouldnt be questioning her sexuality...she still however would be questioning yours and her relationship

start taking her on romantic dates get to know her inside and out....listen to her.....and don't ever take her for granted and that includes her love for you....you have to work to keep love alive...so start working or you will lose her... hope that you can bring yoru relationship back to a happy place........deb
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Last edited by todreaminblue; 26th January 2018 at 11:00 PM..
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Old 26th January 2018, 11:43 PM   #6
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You cant "romance her" back. this is classic let her go, if she loves you, she will come back, and then she the work begins.

this is her problem, not yours. she thinks she is going to fill a void but she doesn't know the void.

this is going to hurt, but you will live
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Old 27th January 2018, 3:35 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dema07 View Post
My fiancee starting hanging out with a coworker who is a lesiban. She has a crush on my fiancee but she is straight. Still they have become close. They text a lot and she says things that make her realize what she's missing in our relationship.
Can't help but wonder how comfortable your fiancee would be with you hanging out with someone who had feelings for you, regardless of gender?

Might be more to the story...

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Old 27th January 2018, 5:12 AM   #8
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Dude, as much as you don't want to hear it, move on.

Sure you could hang around and possibly get her to be more sure, but why? Marriage is hard when both are sure and committed. Almost impossible when one isn't.
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Old 27th January 2018, 9:17 AM   #9
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Quote:
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We've been together for two years, and do not live together. She says that she's worried she might make a mistake and wants to work on herself. Kinda feels like it might be too late.

It's not too late yet. Take some action to show you care. That is really what she's looking for. This is a test. She wants to see if you are willing to fight for her.

However, "work on herself" can be code for I don't see a future with you but I hate to be the cause of your pain.

If you cared enough to get engaged care enough to try. First step -- send her some flowers. Have the card say something like: "I'm still as much in love with you today as I was the day we got engaged. Let's work on us together."
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Old 27th January 2018, 1:32 PM   #10
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She's afraid of being just comfortable, but also afraid of leaving and then realizing she made a mistake. I've tried to meet with her the last few days before I go out of town for work and she refuses. Should I just give her space and time to think?

Thank you everyone for the replies.
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Old 27th January 2018, 3:57 PM   #11
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She's afraid of being just comfortable, but also afraid of leaving and then realizing she made a mistake. I've tried to meet with her the last few days before I go out of town for work and she refuses. Should I just give her space and time to think?.
That would piss me off. I'd say to her that the two of you can fix things if you work together but that her refusal to even see you is her making a decision to throw away everything you two built over the years. Remind her that she owes you more than that.

The go. Understand you will be giving her a lifetime of space.
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Old 27th January 2018, 6:18 PM   #12
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Not a single poster here would give the advice to buy flowers and try harder, if it was their daughter who came to LS and the fiance was hanging out and constantly texting a gay guy, who had a crush on him. Coincidently, the fiance suddenly has doubts about his sexuality and marriage and is blaming her for everything.

Not to worry, after all a man knows how a man thinks, so its ok, right? Look at the beginnings of a conventional affair and you will read the same things. Send her flowers? Really?

It is too late. This is an affair and your relationship is over. Sexual orientation or gender, has nothing to do with it.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 27th January 2018 at 6:21 PM..
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Old 27th January 2018, 6:32 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dema07 View Post
My fiancee starting hanging out with a coworker who is a lesiban. She has a crush on my fiancee but she is straight. Still they have become close. They text a lot and she says things that make her realize what she's missing in our relationship.

She says I don't act like I love her the same way anymore. And I'm constantly on my phone and don't do romantic things. She fears that we are just comfortable with one another and maybe she's too young to get married (23).

I told her that I would work on myself and be a better lover. But she is still afraid to take a chance. She says she wants to be with and that she loves me but still unsure on what she wants to do. I don't want to lose her. I love her very much. Please help.
It doesn't really sound like you're actually hearing her. She practically came right out and said you're not meeting her emotional needs like this woman is and your response to her was that you'd become a better lover.
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Old 27th January 2018, 6:43 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
It doesn't really sound like you're actually hearing her. She practically came right out and said you're not meeting her emotional needs like this woman is and your response to her was that you'd become a better lover.
you are right its not about sex at all, and so much about listening and then acting on what he feels from her,clarifying that need in her and giving her what she needs to feel from him....deb
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Old 27th January 2018, 6:46 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dema07 View Post
She's afraid of being just comfortable, but also afraid of leaving and then realizing she made a mistake. I've tried to meet with her the last few days before I go out of town for work and she refuses. Should I just give her space and time to think?

Thank you everyone for the replies.

she wants romance....and a bit of mystery ...do the unexpected...woo her...or lose her....deb
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