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Men, are you more or less likely to propose if you live together?


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Old 28th January 2018, 5:58 PM   #16
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less... whats the saying.. why buy the cow when the milk is free...

I think it has merit.. and what is wrong with holding out till more commitment is in place..
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Old 28th January 2018, 6:09 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by Danika View Post
They say why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free... ie. if you're living together like you're married, why get married?

Is this true? Men, are you more likely to propose if you don't live together because then there is incentive to get married? Or do you need to see what cohabitating is like before jumping into marriage?
Woops... meant to say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

I think it's a silly saying but an easy way to sum up my point: that there is this idea that if you live together before being engaged, it'll likely take a lot longer to get engaged than you had waited till you were engaged before you lived together.

There seems to be a split here, though most want to live together first. I see a lot of women answering though.
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Old 28th January 2018, 9:56 PM   #18
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I wouldn't cohabitate without being married.

Or, at the very least, not move in together until we are engaged, with a ring and a wedding date set within a year. I also think you should date (i.e. be in the same location) for at least a year before moving in, marrying or any of that stuff.

Luckily, I am older now so most likely we have our own places and own kids and lives and such. It would have to be very serious for us to do either thing.
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Old 29th January 2018, 11:24 AM   #19
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I think it's a silly saying but an easy way to sum up my point: that there is this idea that if you live together before being engaged, it'll likely take a lot longer to get engaged than you had waited till you were engaged before you lived together.
If a man wants to marry a woman, he will do everything in his power to make that happen, come hell or high water. It doesn't matter if they've lived together or not. If a couple lives together for a while and there isn't a proposal forthcoming, it's because either the man doesn't want to marry at all or he doesn't want to marry that specific woman.

Another female here, but I've been proposed to 6 times and married twice. 4 of those proposals were from men I'd never lived with. 1 was my first husband and we did live together before he proposed and we married. However, I had no intention of marrying him and wasn't even thinking in that direction when I had an accidental pregnancy and we married to "do the right thing". The last proposal was DH, we were quasi living together, but didn't actually marry until after we'd lived together for about 8 months.
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Old 29th January 2018, 1:37 PM   #20
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Woops... meant to say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.
I think the saying should be changed to "Who would buy a cow when you have no idea how good the milk is?".

And I'm not talking about sex, that's been good in the first part of nearly every relationship I've been in. It's all the other things you'll never know about someone until you spend 24 hours a day under the same roof. When the masks - and the gloves - come off, the truth comes out. And good news or bad, I'd want to know sooner rather than later...

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Old 29th January 2018, 3:37 PM   #21
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More. Much more. I'd be unlikely to propose to someone who I wasnt living with
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Old 29th January 2018, 5:53 PM   #22
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this idea that if you live together before being engaged, it'll likely take a lot longer to get engaged than you had waited till you were engaged before you lived together.

There seems to be a split here, though most want to live together first. I see a lot of women answering though.
I knew a guy who's girlfriend wouldn't live together till they were at least engaged with a wedding date set. He was really keen to live with her, so he proposed after about a year. Completely unsuitable marriage, crashed and burned, divorce after about 4 years.

Had they lived together, they may have discovered the incompatibility without having to get married. And if memory serves me correctly, he was her third fiance.

The moral of this story is that while not living together can speed up marriage, it's not always for the best.
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Old 31st January 2018, 6:16 AM   #23
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My now husband wanted us to live together before marriage. I refused to do that avd was happy to walk away from the relationship.

At the time he had 3 brothers all living with their girlfriends and I could see the same pattern.

I think living together should be done when you know you want to marry someone. Not let's live together and see how it goes.

I wasn't prepared to lose the single lifestyle to a man who wasn't commiting to me. Until I had a commitment...then I saw myself as free to party and there was obviously a chance I would never someone else.

For my daughters...I'd advise them not to live with a guy...if the topic of marriage hadn't been discussed.
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Old 15th February 2018, 2:35 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Danika View Post
Woops... meant to say why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

I think it's a silly saying but an easy way to sum up my point: that there is this idea that if you live together before being engaged, it'll likely take a lot longer to get engaged than you had waited till you were engaged before you lived together.
I agree - I would expect it to take a lot longer for a man to propose when living together than when living separate - especially if he is older than, say, late 20's/early 30's. This is from my personal experience.

That may or may not be a good thing. Maybe the people will figure out they don't really want to be married before tying the knot and split up, but not have to divorce to do it.

Or, the couple may live together a while and feel they are compatible enough to marry, but then, what's the motivation to set a date?

I think there are a lot of important ingredients in the couple's context that are too nuanced to make a blanket statement that living together first is 'better', or marrying before living together is 'better' for everyone.

Not to pick on anyone, but modern sentiments like
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I would never consider marrying someone I hadn't already been living with for a decent amount of time. Doing so sounds utterly insane to me! How do you know you will be compatible living together if you've never tried it?
reflect the idea that people are sort of born compatible or not-compatible.

I think a lot of the mystery ingredient that makes marriages last is that many people who commit to marriage and make it work a long time commit to that decision once and then compromise, let go of personal desires and comforts, and envision their life only as a married person. They do not revisit the question of 'should we be married', or 'do I want to be married to this person'. It's just not part of their thinking once they have made that choice.

This mindset is usually supported by family and the neighborhood, or it's not, and my impression is that a lot of people take in this atmosphere when young and believe in it (which ever atmosphere they absorb - marry and spend your energy figuring out how to live within the marriage, or spend your energy figuring out if you want to be married or afterward if you should stay married).

Does that make sense?

So, to get someone's frame on this, I think you could ask them, but not just what they think about living together, but also how they expect to build their life within a marriage, and what they think of people they know who have remained married a long time. What skills do they respect in those people, and what would they do differently?

Basically, I guess I think you are asking the wrong question.

Waaay before you are confronted with living together before marriage, or only living together once married, you should be exploring what you and your partner think is really involved in marriage, choosing a partner, making a marriage work, what does a 'successful' marriage look like day do day, why should two people be married, etc.
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Old 15th February 2018, 2:46 PM   #25
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I think the saying should be changed to "Who would buy a cow when you have no idea how good the milk is?".

And I'm not talking about sex, that's been good in the first part of nearly every relationship I've been in. It's all the other things you'll never know about someone until you spend 24 hours a day under the same roof. When the masks - and the gloves - come off, the truth comes out. And good news or bad, I'd want to know sooner rather than later...

Mr. Lucky
Perhaps it's age-related. As an older couple, exW and I were the same while dating as while married. Zero surprises from my perspective. Also, perhaps a mitigating factor, we did 'live together' for periods due to the distance nature of our relationship. Whatever daily living habits we had were open and evident. Based on how quickly she moved her BF in after we separated, I'd say she was good either way but respected that I wouldn't live with someone I wasn't married to. That won't change for me. Heck I might get married and still live separately
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