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Have a ring but...


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 18th January 2018, 5:18 PM   #1
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Have a ring but...

Need some advice.

I am in my 40ís. Divorced for some time. Children are grown and independent. Would like to be married again. I have a positive outlook on life and would like to share that with someone special.

Been dating a guy for awhile. Life has been busy with work and family commitments. I have expressed my desire to be married. Probably to an ultimatum scenario, because that is what I want. He gave me a gorgeous ring to wear. With the promise to be together. (No date was set). Six months later, no change. When I question it, I get Iím good to you response.

My contemplation is with do I stay? I love him and I know he loves me. We live together and enjoy each others company. Our children get along well. No real conflicts. Except.... I want to be married and he is stalling.

My prior life, I would have walked in a second. But for some reason Iím holding on for hope. Should I be satisfied with the good life, or go after what I think I want?
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Old 18th January 2018, 5:30 PM   #2
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He gave me a gorgeous ring to wear. With the promise to be together. (No date was set). Six months later, no change.
That sounds like a promise ring but not an engagement ring. For that reason, I would suspect you and the guy are on two separate pages about your future together.

You need to be forthright at this time. If you feel your time is ticking and that he's avoiding commitment call it out. Things are good, sure, but still not where you want them to be. It's okay to ask for what you want.
But for details sake- how long have you two been dating?
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Old 18th January 2018, 6:05 PM   #3
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I have expressed my desire to be married. Probably to an ultimatum scenario, because that is what I want.
OK, so if it was an ultimatum, "marriage or else", and marriage doesn't seem to be any closer - isn't it time for "or else" ?

To a greater degree, you've answered your own question. I've always found the good life included those things important to me...

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Old 18th January 2018, 6:22 PM   #4
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I am firm in my belief that marriage should come from open discussion rather than via a proposal delivered on the man's timeline.

With this in mind, what discussions have you had with him? It sounds like he's being rather closed regarding his thoughts on the topic. Will he talk about what his need and timelines are? I wouldn't walk away without attempting to have an open discussion about both your and his needs and seeing if you can find common ground.
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Old 18th January 2018, 7:32 PM   #5
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Weíve been dating 3 years. Off and on for various reasons. I wasnít looking for anything serious until a year ago. When I initially brought up wanting marriage, he bolted. I said fine and moved on. After a few months, he came back with a ring. Yes, it does seem like a promise ring, since there is no discussion of date. He has previously avoided the subject, Never thought of it that way because I wanted more.

I try not to pressure him all the time. Maybe every three months I bring it up. But for my own sanity, Iím trying to process exactly what I want before ď the talkĒ. Need to be prepared for anything.

I would love to be married to him. He is good to me. Takes care of me. I guess I want/need more than that. Wondering if Iím being unrealistic. Itís scary out in the dating world.

Appreciate the opinions. Itís time for me to make a decision. Not an easy one, thatís for sure.
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Old 18th January 2018, 7:39 PM   #6
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HE DOESN'T WANT TO MARRY YOU... (IMHO)

Many years ago a woman gave me an ultimatum. We had been dating about a year or so. After a wonderful date out, we went back to her apartment she sat me down and told me I had to propose to her or I should leave. So I left and drove home. I think I actually heard her jaw hit the floor as I walked out. By the time I got back to my place, she had filled up my (30 minute) answering machine tape crying and blubbering about how she did wrong, wanted me to come back, blah, blah, blah. (Pre-cell phone days) I called her back and told her I would not be returning, and I never did.

In my opinion, he should have told you that he wasn't ready for marriage instead of letting you believe he was.

As a side note, are you sure the ring isn't a Cubic Zirc. I've give plenty of them and let women think they were diamonds. (not as an engagement ring, though)
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Old 18th January 2018, 7:51 PM   #7
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Takes care of me.
Are you worried about your long term financial outlook??

If so, I'd like to offer a suggestion. My present girlfriend knows I will never marry her, I told her that on our second date. I've never been married and will never get married. I'm just not the marrying type. We've been together 6 years. About a year ago, she expressed some concerns about her long term financial situation, what would she do if I died, accidentally, etc. So, I modified my will to include her and that satisfied her concerns. Personally, I'm not overly worried who gets my assets if I die, but it made her feel more secure. That took care of my problem.
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Old 18th January 2018, 7:52 PM   #8
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HE DOESN'T WANT TO MARRY YOU

Iím thinking thatís the honest truth. We love each other and all. But he doesnít want to marry me. For whatever reason. The ring is real. At the time, he was dead set at getting me back. We do get along very well. The internal debate of what I should do, is getting louder in my mind. We have both been married before. It takes complete commitment. Not sure heís there with me.
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Old 18th January 2018, 7:56 PM   #9
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Yes long term financial is a concern. We live together. Not my house. Now I would be fine. 20 years from now may be different. I donít expect much, just donít want to be thrown on the street.
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Old 18th January 2018, 8:13 PM   #10
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Happy Lemming

Yes long term financial is a concern. We live together. Not my house. Now I would be fine. 20 years from now may be different. I donít expect much, just donít want to be thrown on the street.
How about a long term lease (5-10 year)?? He could charge you $1/month, then he can't throw you out at a moment's notice. If he decided he wanted you to leave, he'd have to negotiate an out with an appropriate time frame for moving.

Just a thought...
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Old 18th January 2018, 8:20 PM   #11
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Yes long term financial is a concern. We live together. Not my house. Now I would be fine. 20 years from now may be different. I donít expect much, just donít want to be thrown on the street.
Marriage won't guarantee you won't get thrown on the street someday, if things don't work out. If you marry, you won't have any ownership in the house, for instance, and would have no right to stay there. You won't have rights to any of his financial assets owned now - only what is gained together after marriage. And unless you are married a long time and have significantly different incomes, you won't get alimony if you split up.

Marriage may be nice, but it could be false security, too.

If you are sure he loves you and cares about you, then that is greater assurance than a legal marriage would provide. And not being married means there is less chance either of you will take the other for granted. There could be some pluses, in terms of health insurance through an employer, but most recognize domestic partnerships. And there may be some social security retirement advantages if you have significantly different lifetime earnings. Other than that? Very little, if anything.

So, you have to decide how meaningful marriage would be to you under these circumstances, and weigh that against the quality of the relationship and how difficult it would be to find one as good or better.
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Old 19th January 2018, 12:59 AM   #12
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paradise found,

Quote:
My prior life, I would have walked in a second. But for some reason Iím holding on for hope. Should I be satisfied with the good life, or go after what I think I want?
Only you can answer this question ^^^

And, as others have said, being married won't give you financial security.

Maybe it's time you started putting some money away "for a rainy day" ?
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Old 19th January 2018, 3:31 AM   #13
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I try not to pressure him all the time. Maybe every three months I bring it up. But for my own sanity, Iím trying to process exactly what I want before ď the talkĒ. Need to be prepared for anything.
In my "women should have a say in their own timeline" opinion, I think The Talk should be more of a discussion involving you asking him how he feels about marriage in general.

Of course, if he won't discuss the topic, it's a red flag.
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Old 21st January 2018, 11:21 AM   #14
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If a man does not want to marry you, there is always a reason. Generally it is one of 4 things.

1) Marriage and commitment. He simply doesn't want the forever. The responsibility of the every day. Sex for life with one person.
2) Divorce. Divorce rarely favors the man. Since he was married before, find out what happened in his divorce.
3) You reasons for marriage. A woman "loves" for many reasons. Financial concerns is a red flag in the male world.
4) You. He may not be adversed to marriage, but adversed to marrying you.

2 and 3 can be fixed. Look at his past for clues.. Self reflect and look at the relationship with a outside view. Many women/men think they are a good partner thru their own eyes, but not so much thru the eyes of the SO. Why should he marry you? What is life like on a day to day basis? Good sex and cooking dinner are not a reason to marry.

Sometimes there is a small thing that can turn the tide. You must find his reason to say yes. For me, it was hearing her say the word husband. She loves to say "My Husband". I knew that marriage for her, was about one thing. It would make her really happy. It was me she wanted, by her side forever, loving her everyday. Once I understood her reasons, I bought the ring. And no, it was not cubic zirconium (tacky).

Do your homework and find the reason for resistance. If you can overcome his fears, sit down and discuss what a future with you would really be like.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 9:54 PM   #15
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No no no, no more discussing. You've already tried that. He knows what you want.

Move out, and reclaim your independence. You don't have to stop dating him. Just become independent in your thinking and actions. Be a little more distant emotionally. Stop talking to him about the future. It knocks him off his complacency, and makes him realize (without you having to say a word about it): If he wants the privilege of living with you, he's going to have to marry you.

Men propose when you move AWAY from the relationship, not TOWARD it.

He's already proven it once:

Quote:
Originally Posted by paradise found View Post
When I initially brought up wanting marriage, he bolted. I said fine and moved on. After a few months, he came back with a ring.
And so you moved in with him. He now has everything he wants. Why SHOULD he propose? There's no incentive. Give him one.

I believe he does love you (because he returned to you after you let him go). Some men just need a push. And the best "push" is to be independent of them, both financially and emotionally.

If it's meant to be, he will not be able to bear waking up & going to sleep every day without you, and he will ask you to marry him.

And if it's NOT meant to be, you won't have to waste any more time on him.
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