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I feel pressured to move towards marriage at 21?


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Old 9th January 2018, 4:17 PM   #1
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I feel pressured to move towards marriage at 21?

I always used to laugh at people who get married at such a young age but now that I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and we “talked” for a year before that, I suddenly feel like we have to start moving towards getting married. I love my boyfriend and want to be with him forever but I hate feeling like we’re just racing towards the finish line. I would like to have kids relatively young but at 21 years old I feel like I’m in way over my head. Can someone give me some advice about this? I think seeing my peers getting engaged is what is fueling this.
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Old 9th January 2018, 4:25 PM   #2
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NOPE!!! Your too young. IMO.

For conversation sakes, I will tell you that I dated my wife for 7 years! lol

Then I proposed. I waffled a long time I know...But God above has plans for all of us I suppose. And I married at the ripe ole' age of 30!

And for arguments sake...No, I did NOT live with her during the 7 years. I hated room mates in general and did not take dating serious enough back then to allow someone access to my living arrangements.
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Old 9th January 2018, 4:27 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Oliviasmith24 View Post
I suddenly feel like we have to start moving towards getting married.
You should clarify what you mean by this. Is it literally just a sudden "feeling" (i.e. in your own mind), or are you being pressured by your boyfriend, or some third party?
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Old 9th January 2018, 4:29 PM   #4
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My wife and I married very young, and although we survived them, those first few years were pretty tough; we essentially had to grow up together and I wouldn't recommend ours as being an ideal path to follow.


But it sounds like all the pressure is coming from within. Relax. There's plenty of time.
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Old 9th January 2018, 4:32 PM   #5
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Don't do it.

I married young because of religious and parental pressure. It was one of the worst mistakes of my life.

If you're not ready for it, don't do it.

I say that knowing that others around me married for the same reasons and are still married. Some even younger than I was.

Still, I think it is a personal decision. I knew I was too immature and not ready for marriage. You have to do what is right for you.

If you're not ready, don't do it.

Last edited by MidKnightDreams; 9th January 2018 at 4:37 PM..
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Old 9th January 2018, 4:55 PM   #6
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You should do what feels right for you. The other people may have opinions, but they aren't the ones who will have to pick up the pieces of your life when everything shatters.

Personally I didn't feel ready all the way up till 30. But that's just me, everyone is different. I do think though that the younger you marry, the greater the risk that you will grow apart in your transitory years (especially 20s) and end up with someone fundamentally incompatible. Of course you may also grow together instead of apart, which some couples do, but I wouldn't bet on your odds.
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Old 9th January 2018, 5:23 PM   #7
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If he hasn't proposed don't sweat it.

Where is the pressure coming from? Tell anybody who is pressuring you to stop that you will get married in your own time, when you are ready.

Casually mention to your BF that you think 21 is too young to be married. Ask him what he thinks a good age for marriage is. Talk about the subject but do not get married on somebody else's time line.
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Old 9th January 2018, 5:39 PM   #8
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21 is awfully young to feel pressured into marriage.

You said many of your friends are engaged - what stage of life are they in? Do they have their educations completed? Careers underway? Are they living as independent adults?

I think the first step to considering marriage is making sure you are living as a "grown up". Are you and your BF independent of your parents? Pay your own bills, manage your own money, live independently (with roomates etc)?

Second step - a strong, stable mature relationship. As a couple do you have excellent communication and conflict resolution skills? Are you two compatible? Do you share the same values when it comes to money, family planning, gender roles, sex etc?

I see that within the last 6 months you have started the following threads:
  • "I am worried my BF will leave me for his ex girlfriend"
  • "Why did my boyfriend just start being controlling?"
  • "Why do I break up with my boyfriend every time I'm upset with him"

These are NOT signs of a mature, stable relationship that has a good chance of harmoniously standing the test of time.

Who cares if your friends are making the often very foolish choice of marrying young. FYI young marriages have lower success rates - the largest chunk of divorces occurs between 20-24.

Here are some statistics:

https://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/2013/ar...attainment.htm

58.5% of marriages that begin before 22 end in divorce (vs. 36% of those who wait till 29).

Now that said, of course not all young marriages end in disaster. You just have to be sure that your particular partnership has what it takes to be among the 40% that make the distance.
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Old 9th January 2018, 5:54 PM   #9
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I think the only reason to get married so young is if you're adamant about saving sex for marriage. Not that it's a GOOD reason, but it's a reason.

This was precisely the reason I got married at 23 and my ex-H was 21. We were not ready for marriage, maturity wise, I don't think. Our young ages are not the reason we got divorced 14 years later, but still, we were too young and there's a good chance we would not have ended up married if we'd just waited and dated longer.
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Old 9th January 2018, 7:53 PM   #10
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Don't do it. You are too young and neither you or your boyfriend are established in your lives or ready to get married.

Looking back at your past posting history, you have many issues to resolve with this relationship before you should ever, if ever, consider marrying this man...
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Old 9th January 2018, 7:57 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
I see that within the last 6 months you have started the following threads:
  • "I am worried my BF will leave me for his ex girlfriend"
  • "Why did my boyfriend just start being controlling?"
  • "Why do I break up with my boyfriend every time I'm upset with him"

These are NOT signs of a mature, stable relationship that has a good chance of harmoniously standing the test of time.
This. Definitely.

Is part of the reason why you are feeling pressured to marry actually just an attempt to decrease your anxiety and hold onto this relationship? Because, there shouldn't be very much pressure to marry at 21 years old. That is really young.
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Old 10th January 2018, 9:47 AM   #12
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Seeing peers and friends get engaged at this age is what fuels the anxiety.. nothing else
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Old 12th January 2018, 4:10 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Oliviasmith24 View Post
Seeing peers and friends get engaged at this age is what fuels the anxiety.. nothing else
Why would it affect you?

Few of my college friends married that age to their college or high school sweethearts and they are happy (we're 33 now - all except one haven't divorced). BUT it did affect their education/career - they were strapped with babies and toddlers in their prime years.

I guess the love in your age is more pure than in any other time - if that's what motivates you to marry - do it, you'd never have the same feelings again once old&cynic. But if it is not that and it's pure peer pressure - take your time - no reason to rush.
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Old 13th January 2018, 7:19 PM   #14
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Your peers are making a big mistake. You are at the age when you should be free to explore and follow your dreams, not get saddled up with kids. Once you do that, your life is no longer your own. Do not fall into this trap. Your friends will regret it soon enough. Be prepared for some of them to leave you behind as they lose all their leisure time and freedom.
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Old 17th January 2018, 11:57 AM   #15
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Well, to start with, there are people who got married at 18 and stayed married their whole life while some who got married at 30 and got divorced 5 years later, so the age of its own is NOT the issue here.

This issue that I'm seeing here is that you don't seem totally emotionally ready/matured at the moment based on what you're saying and based on my years of coaching people. Maybe wait a couple of years to see if your feelings for him are still the same, and if so, then go ahead and marry him them.

Last edited by RSCoach; 17th January 2018 at 12:00 PM..
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