Fiancée used savings for money

[Nodnerb]

To cut the story short, I've saved $5000 for our wedding rings and she used $1400. After paying bills etc, we save an average of around $400-$600 per month. That's approx. 3 months of savings and furthermore, the wedding is about half a year to go.

 

The story goes like this:

 

Her brother returned from overseas and wants to renovate the her family's house. The renovations costs around $10k and he asked if we can help for around $2k. He knows that there's all we got and the rest of our money are used for the wedding. We specifically said that we can't help in terms of $ anymore.

 

So during renovations, he bought a second-hand car, party all night etc. and then when it comes to the actual renovations bill the total billed was $13k. And guess what he has no money to pay the extra and yeah...there's where the extra $1400 came about from my fiancée and our savings.

 

Now I have to lower my budget for the rings...we wanted rings that were of $5k budget (they look prettier of course with the higher price)...and I felt that this was unfair.

 

I talk to her about my unease, she said she can't help and couldnt refuse but to help her brother as he was really troubled with the over-spending on the renovations and that that is her parents house (she still lives there) she needs to help if there's issues anyway...but I mean we already said beforehand it's not right time to do renovations etc and if he wanted ask to help with $$ he has to delay the renovation. Her brother was the one who went ahead with it and now he comes asking for money knowing that we're getting married soon??!!

 

I feel that I'm being treated unfairly...is this normal? I told her it's unfair and that her brother bought a second-hand car amid the renovations and now can't afford the excess renovation fees. She said don't put the blame on anyone and that nobody can't actually count the actual cost of a renovations as it usually requires some tweaks here and there. I am pissed hence this post instead of putting more anger on her.

 

I know $1400 is not so much of a big sum but it is to me since wedding is coming up and where do I get the extra months to save $$ to have my budget to $5k again?!!

Edited September 8, 2017 by Nodnerb

[amaysngrace]

Is there more to this story or something? I don't understand it. She's used her own money to help her family rather than put it towards jewelry and that's the problem you're having?

 

Really?

[Nodnerb]

Is there more to this story or something? I don't understand it. She's used her own money to help her family rather than put it towards jewelry and that's the problem you're having?

 

Really?

 

That's my money that I gave her to put in the wedding's saving account I specifically created to prepare for the occasion. She took it out. The wedding is fully paid by me...and I'm the sole income earner in our relationship.

Edited September 8, 2017 by Nodnerb

[amaysngrace]

Then I guess you've learned some valuable information about where her priorities lie all for the bargain price of $1400.

 

What made you believe that marrying her (poor, lives at home and doesn't work) would be easy on your finances is beyond me though.

[Art_Critic]

The only issue I see here is that she didn't discuss it with you first...

 

Family is Family and people will help them out when they can and you both were able to help out the situation.. the problem is that you didn't know you were helping and didn't discuss it.

 

That is the wrong foundation to start off a marriage on and if this is how she will be with large decisions then you will be in for a ride.

 

I think you need to hash this out till a resolution is come up with that you both are happy about, if she doesn't want to discuss how the unknown spending has affected her own wedding then you might want to rethink things at this point.

 

Good Luck.

[d0nnivain]

My first Q is why do you need $5,000 wedding rings? I can understand needing that amount or more for the wedding reception but rings are not that expensive. My ring is white gold with diamonds & it was only about $500, 10% the price of yours. I think DH"s band was around $650

 

Now on to the real issue -- her not talking to you about spending your joint money. Money causes more fights & break ups then anything else. You need to get to the bottom of why she thought it was OK to reallocate funds that weren't solely hers without discussing it with you. Unless you two can make peace with that, you shouldn't marry. This behavior is bound to repeat itself.

 

My husband's family has always tried to treat us -- mostly me -- like some kind of ATM. I put a stop to that early on & he backed me because he knows how frivolously they spend.

 

That said, your BIL's decision to buy a used car is not that frivolous unless he bought an expensive sports car. He probably needs the car to get to work. A few nights of drinking / partying -- did those bills really run $3,000 (the overage for the costs of the renovations)? If not, then that can't be blamed for the increased price. All home renovation projects always end up over budget.

 

Finally, if she had talked to you about her family's need, would you really have said no? Their shelter takes precedence over your jewelry. Had you outright refused to contribute you would have caused more family disharmony.

 

With money, the conversations are always difficult but you have to find a way to talk about these issues before & during your marriage or you won't last.

 

You also seem to resent being the sole income earner. Have her get a job. Problem solved.

[MJJean]

Folks, the issue here isn't the money, how much, or what it was being saved for. The issue isn't family, either. The issue is that OP's fiance took money out of their joint savings without his knowledge or permission and gave it to her brother AFTER it had already been made clear that they wouldn't be giving him more money.

 

Frankly, she seriously breached trust here. After an incident like this, I wouldn't be comfortable with joint finances and I'd seriously reconsider marrying someone I can't trust when push comes to shove.

[No_Go]

Well - that's what engagements are for: a trial if it's a good idea to marry. She showed you it is not. She showed you you can't trust her. If I were you I'd call off the wedding.

 

It may sounds harsh but calling off a wedding is easier and less traumatizing than divorce... And money issues are cause number 1 of divorces...

[anika99]

Folks, the issue here isn't the money, how much, or what it was being saved for. The issue isn't family, either. The issue is that OP's fiance took money out of their joint savings without his knowledge or permission and gave it to her brother AFTER it had already been made clear that they wouldn't be giving him more money.

 

Frankly, she seriously breached trust here. After an incident like this, I wouldn't be comfortable with joint finances and I'd seriously reconsider marrying someone I can't trust when push comes to shove.

 

That's what I think the real issue is too. This and the fact that his fiancé doesn't work and still lives with her parents. However to the OP the issue seems to be the money and the brother while he is turning a blind eye to the real problem.

 

OP you make the brother sound like a bum or a mooch but it appears he's got more money than anybody else in this story. He's the one who has 10,000 for renovations. If I was spending thousands of dollars renovating my parents house while my sibling was contributing nothing and then my sibling's fiancé had the audacity to judge me for buying a second hand car and having some fun, I would laugh in their face. So in your mind not only is the brother supposed to pay for all of the renovations himself he also better not have a car or spend any of his money on anything for himself, while his mooch of a sister still lives at home, doesn't work or contribute to anything and her fiancé has the nerve to judge him for getting himself a car?

 

I'm not saying you're obligated to pay anything for the renovations because you're not at all. Just saying that the brother is not the bad guy in your story. Your fiancé is giving you an idea of what marriage to her will be like. She will make decisions that concern you without discussing it with you. She will go behind your back and do what she wants. I would proceed with caution if I were you.

[Els]

A bit of context here - what culture are you from or currently live in? I know that in some cultures, it's relatively common that even if the man is the sole income earner, the wife decides where the money goes. There was a bit of an uproar over a bank in China that decided to bypass the whole farce entirely and offered packages where the man's income would automatically go into the lady's account.

 

Of course, just because something is commonly done, doesn't mean it's right. I would be upset in your situation, too. But knowing the context behind it would help us help you figure out what to do from here.

 

You will likely need to have a conversation with her re: setting boundaries on spending on family, especially without prior discussion. If she agrees to discuss things with you in the future, then depending on how sincere you think she is, you could just get cheaper wedding rings and put the whole thing behind you. If she refuses to talk to you or compromise on this, might be worth rethinking the whole thing.

[darkmoon]

you are the only one with money? and all of them, or nearly all, see you as fair game for a hand-out? red flag...

[Nodnerb]

Thanks everyone for your genuine advices. I'm new here and I'm thankful for this loving community.

 

I've read and appreciated each and everyone's reply...I guess what I can do now is put this episode behind me and take this as a hard lesson and ensure this is the first and last time of an occurrence..

 

Thanks once again!

 

Edit: How do I get this thread closed up or possibly deleted? I want to put this issue in a bin to the past.

Edited September 8, 2017 by Nodnerb