stevev28 Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 Hey guys, Well I guess I want some opinions. My Fiance never seems to be happy with her life. She changes jobs like every six months. There is always some reason that she needs to leave. She gets so unhappy and even depressed. Well she always says that where we live just doesn't let her follow the career she wants. She works with horses. She is always on me about moving to Florida. She isn't close with her family and is so into her work really doesn't spend much time with freinds. So moving for her is no thing. But for me I'd be leaving all my family who I'm very close with, all my life long friends, my fire dept, my career and everything I've come to love growing up and come accustomed to. Not to mention the fact that we have alot of debt and moving just isn't smart right now. She says that we are young and wants to travel while we are young. She doesn't want to end up where we live for the rest of our lives. She accuses me of not following my dreams and just settling. Or even of not having any dreams. She says she's not gonna just settle. I really don't want to move I am very happy. I have friends, family, house, and a good job. And a beautiful woman by my side. But she isn't happy. I want her to be happy but honestly I don't think she ever will be. I think even if we moved she would get restless again in six months and alot of things would be lost for nothing. This is driving me nuts. She make me feel guilty and selfish. But acctually I think she is the one who is selfish. She doesn't seem to think about how this effects me at all. What do you guys think? What should I do? Every time we talk about this we argue. Please give me some opinions. I'm so frustrated. Link to post Share on other sites
Debster Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 I don't think it's selfish. I just think that the two of you want very different things. You need to sit down and chat about how you each see your future together. Once you have the information you can decide if getting married is the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
wowzers Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 She is involved with horses... enough said! I am a horse person myself and with that, horse people always want to move around, never settling as far as jobs go... just the way it is. I do have a ft job + horses, but my siituation is obviously different from yours. You love her but why should you sacrifice so much? Where is the compromise? If you do move to FLA with her the first year will be ok then the same ol' story will hit you again, her being unhappy and wanting to move on again, with you in tow! I would tell her to go and take the time and find herself, that this is what she needs before you can wed her, she needs to find a ft job and get her life on track... how old are you? You really don't sound that young. Traveling is a life time thing, you can travel when your 10 or when your 88 that seems to be her excuse to you - that we HAVE to travel while we are young - that's crap if you ask me. Good luck to you.... Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 Sounds like immaturity. My wife has that. Her way or the highway and trust me you can only put up with so much. If she is depressed she needs medical attention. I would suggest counseling for you both if you want to make this work. Like you said moving is not going to make her happy. She's not happy within' herself and it is NOT your responsibility to make her happy. When you talk to her about this issue talk to her like you talked to us. How you don't think she is happy inside and that moving is not going to bring any longlasting enjoyment. That you think she might have depression and that it is not a sickness. It's a disease that affects about half the population. Thing is you can't fix her. You can't get her out of this ditch. No amount of love will do this. What will do this is your support in her getting through this along with the right counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
UltimateZen Posted May 24, 2005 Share Posted May 24, 2005 You are definitely not selfish. You seem to have a lot going for you: career, house, family friends. She should want to be a part of that. It is evident that she does not enjoy the same things as you; which in turn, says a lot about a lack of compatibility. Don't think you can change her...nor that you will change for her. Ultimately one of you will be miserable if you take that route. Better to know this now than after you are married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stevev28 Posted May 25, 2005 Author Share Posted May 25, 2005 Thanks for all the replies everyone. I'm 27 and she's 24. I don't know that compatability is an issue. Our lives ARE on two different paths but we've been working on figuring out how they are gonna "cross" so to speak. Personally I think SHe is setting unrealistic expectations for her job and is setting her self up for dissappointment. But at the same time I'm not gonna hold her back either. I guess its hard for me to understand why moving is nessessary. She could do the same thing here. It just feels like running away to me. Everytime she gets unhappy she picks up and moves. This would be the fifth new job in two years (Two in MD and three in FL) I just hope we can compromise as to where we both can be happy. Counceling might be a good idea but I doubt she would slow down long enough to do it. I've come to understand how important her job is to her and I try to suport that. I'm also affraid of her staying here but resenting me for it. I just feel so helpless. stevev28 Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 She's going to resent you the first time you tell her no and stick to your guns. So it's either dealing with the issues she has at hand or being led around like a dog obeying to all her whims which won't make her happy in the end. You can't make her happy, that's not your responsibility. Only she can do that. I know you want the best for her and love her alot. However this is something she needs to do on her own. As for the counseling bring it up in a way that doesn't make her defensive. Tell her that you love her and want to be able to communicate with her better and you think this is the best way. That there is nothing to lose in trying this. See what her reaction is. If you don't put your foot down soon, sort to speak then by tolerating it you are encouraging her behavior even more. I know it's hard to do but it maybe something that you have to do in order to save the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlyjones Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by UltimateZen You are definitely not selfish. You seem to have a lot going for you: career, house, family friends. She should want to be a part of that. It is evident that she does not enjoy the same things as you; which in turn, says a lot about a lack of compatibility. Don't think you can change her...nor that you will change for her. Ultimately one of you will be miserable if you take that route. Better to know this now than after you are married. Amen !! You're NOT immature because of this.........you have worked hard to establish the things you have. That is HARDLY settling. Now,...what Im about to say isnt meant at all to be an insult........................Maybe,..in her mind,..SHE settled for YOU.....which is more of what shes upset about. I dont mean your in any way a bad person or a sub-par person.............you just like ROOTS. She wants to move around. So maybe shes kicking herself for settling for someone who wants more attachments in their life. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Ditto to what everyone said. I see her inability to hold down a job as a sign of irresponsibility. She wants to play with horses and not work. So what's she gonna do when you get married and there are babies to care for? Does she plan on moving children from state to state? Will she want to put them in school just long enough to make friends, then pull them out to move her horses? Folks need hobbies. I understand that. There was another member on another thread in this section who has a boyfriend whose dream is a career in hip-hop. To that and the horse thing, I say that if it isn't already a money-maker, it's a hobby or an excuse not to grow up. Both have HUGE competitive challenges. The likelihood of rising above the current champions is so remote, that if a person is really striving to be on top, they won't be happy with any compromise. Yet, they prolly don't have the balls to decide between two things. Lemme illustrate my point: An ex-co-worker of mine has a daughter who is going with a guy who says that he is "going to be a professional athlete." Welp, if he isn't in school on some sort of sports scholarship, if he hasn't already been noticed, he is blowing hot air. Link to post Share on other sites
scarlyjones Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 I could feel that hot air from here........lol...............Um,........i wanna not work and play w/horses, too.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 "Save a horse. Ride a cowboy." Sorry, Steve, I just couldn't resist. Link to post Share on other sites
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