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Should I marry her?


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I have been in a relationship with my current fiancee for a few months now but we have been dating for two years. I met her in Japan and about 1 month after we started dating, she moved back to the states and I am still living in Japan. We have been long distance for 2 years but talk everyday.

 

When we are together, we always fight and she always makes me feel down and I apparently make her feel down as well. I feel like we arent friends any more and that we argue 5 times a day, that it is even unpleasant to hang out with her sometimes.

 

She encouraged me to get engaged with her last year when i met her parents for the first time in the states but I knew I wasnt ready. We planned at the time that she was going to move back to Japan the following year only if we got engaged. I proposed knowing deep inside I felt like I was being forced to. Then the plan changed and she decided to stay in America because she got a good paying job. We are planning the wedding this week and our parents and friends are excited for the wedding next year. We have to make a deposit pretty soon this week but deep inside I dont want to thinking that I want to break up with her.

 

I love her so much and it hurts when I look at pictures of us traveling together. But I feel like I am not in love with her anymore and that our friendship is dying but yet she thinks everything is okay. She talks to my parents frequently as well on fb and facetime.

 

Maybe when we get married, we will become best friends again? Maybe we will fight less often? Maybe I wont feel as trapped? What should I do? I love her. She is visiting me in Japan and is leaving in 3 weeks. Should I tell her how I feel now? She has a clue but thinks I am okay with us getting married and making her dream come true. Help!!

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No.

 

Reminds me of that old proverb "It's better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house with a contentious woman".

 

Things like this tend to not get better with marriage. They get worse.

 

She is showing you who she is. You need to believe her.

 

Listen to your gut and don't marry her. When you tell her is up to you. The sooner, the better.

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It will probably be the biggest mistake of your life to marry her, but I feel you'll make it anyway. Just out of curiosity, what are the constant fights about?

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No. Problems rarely go away after marriage. Usually they get worse and you get more.

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We have been long distance for 2 years but talk everyday.

 

I wouldn't marry her right now even if everything was peaches and cream when you're together, a LDR is not the same as being together. You'd need the chance, even under the best of circumstances, to get to know and experience each other on a daily basis. It's a whole 'nother thing.

 

Why the rush :confused:? Is there some citizenship/green card aspect involved?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Cablebandit

NOOOO don't do it. When you WANT to get married...NEED to get married because you have to have this person forever, consider it. Until then NOOOOOOOO

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If you think it's bad now wait til you marry her. Your resentment will grow into a mountain and you'll wonder how in the world you ever got to this.

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you need to postpone all this for at least a year.

 

 

You two need to start living together, or at least close enough so you see each other a lot during the week, and see if it all works out.

 

 

Also, Japanese people especially have odd rules/laws/customs regarding marriage.....like NO divorce/child custody provisions. So if you marry her, have kids, and THEN decide it is not working, if you are still in Japan you will be SCREWED!

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brothers343

If your asking us for advise, then the answer would be NO. When your truly in love and you really both know that your ready to commit to that life then you would never need any body's validation or opinions to sway you from the truth. Which you already know. Good luck.

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don't get married unless you are sure. but sometimes when it comes to making a big decision we are never ready. so with that, u need to figure out if the good out weighs the bad. is she the type of woman you can live with forever and be happy. don't get married for convenience unless u have a good reason to. are you fighting over huge issues? then work out the kinks before marriage. don't brush them off and expect them to solve themselves. or do you fight about petty things? woman need love and affection in what ever way suits them, sometimes we can get moody when our needs aren't met. this is why long distance relationships are hard. i suggest moving in together first and compromise. if all is good then continue. or if you can't live together at least be in the same area. Your culture is very different from most so be careful which advice you take in. if she makes you happy and can be content with who she is then go for the marriage. problems will always be around, even after marriage. i guess my question is, whats your rush?

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No and again No and one more time No.

 

Talk with her and be honest about how you feel. Only then will you know if you need to continue with plaining the wedding.

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amaysngrace

Why are you letting a bunch of random strangers weigh in on one of the biggest decisions of your life?

 

PS the one food guaranteed to kill her sex drive? wedding cake.

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Maybe when we get married, we will become best friends again? Maybe we will fight less often? Maybe I wont feel as trapped?

 

 

 

Buddy, you couldn't be more wrong about this one.

 

 

Marriage and especially children will MAGNIFY all those issues many times over.

 

 

Right now is the best your relationship will ever be.

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Now there may be some cultural differences at play here. Are you both originally from Japan or are either of you from America or another western society?

 

 

Is this some form of arranged marriage or a relationship negotiated by your respective families?

 

 

If this is not some form of arrangement, lets talk about what dating and courtship is all about.

 

 

The role of dating and courtship is for two people to spend time together and do a variety of things together for the purpose of getting to know each other to determine if that person is the one you want to marry and make a home and family and life together.

 

 

It is to see if you get along well together, love and respect each other and have similar values, mores and goals etc etc

 

 

If in spending time together and getting to know them, you learn that person is not right for you, then it is your responsibility and obligation to discontinue the relationship and not to marry them.

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When we are together, we always fight and she always makes me feel down and I apparently make her feel down as well. I feel like we arent friends any more and that we argue 5 times a day, that it is even unpleasant to hang out with her sometimes.
Why on earth would you marry anyone when you "always fight and she always makes me feel down and I apparently make her feel down as well"? Getting married is not going to make you enjoy being together, and in fact if you have children or one of you has a serious medical condition, it will get worse.

 

We planned at the time that she was going to move back to Japan the following year only if we got engaged. I proposed knowing deep inside I felt like I was being forced to. Then the plan changed and she decided to stay in America because she got a good paying job.
You must live in the same city together and see each other in person on a regular basis during the week, prior to making any further plans to be married. Hold off on any deposits until then. If her job is more important than living in the same city as you, then she is not committed enough to you to be your wife. If you marry her without having lived in the same city together for a while to see if you really want to spend a lifetime together, then you are you crazy and need to be committed.
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Miss Peach

IME marriage doesn't solve any problems. Everything that is happening now will be the same. If you are unsure, instead of getting married, do what you need to do to figure out whether you want to stay or go.

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GorillaTheater

I didn't even read the post, just the title.

 

 

If you're asking at all, the answer's "no".

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I don't care how taboo it is, but you two definitely need to live together for a year. I know you need to make deposits and reserve different things, but let me tell you, even if your deposits are to the tune of $40,000, that is small price to pay if in the end you avoid an unhappy marriage and costly divorce.

 

Living together will be the make or break for you.

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I'm sorry but my opinion is a little different.

 

Once you bring a child into the world, I think your focus should become the child's happiness and security, not your own. Any study will tell you that the best place to raise a child is with both parents. If you're torn on continuing this relationship, I think you owe it to the life you brought into the world to give it your best try.

 

And the things that you have complained about in this relationship are very typical annoyances. It's obvious that communication is something you both need to work on. Just from reading your post, you strike me as a nonassertive person, who lets problems amplify and then harbors resentment. This resentment will be the death of any relationship. It sounds like the mother of your child wants to work on this relationship, you should definitely try to find a good counselor before calling it quits.

 

I don't agree with the throwaway society, I think anything worth having in life requires work and honesty. Everyone seems to be looking for something to make them temporarily happy, but I think lasting peace and happiness only comes from living an authentic life of integrity.

 

Please think of your child in all of your decision making. Their quality of life and safety depends on you. One day he will be old enough to ask questions about your life and deductions, just be the example he will need to see.

 

Wishing you all the best!

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Once you bring a child into the world, I think your focus should become the child's happiness and security, not your own. Any study will tell you that the best place to raise a child is with both parents. If you're torn on continuing this relationship, I think you owe it to the life you brought into the world to give it your best try.
They do not have a child and are not married, so your post is off the mark. In fact the advise many have given is to not have children with her.
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I have been in a relationship with my current fiancee for a few months now but we have been dating for two years. I met her in Japan and about 1 month after we started dating, she moved back to the states and I am still living in Japan. We have been long distance for 2 years but talk everyday.

 

When we are together, we always fight and she always makes me feel down and I apparently make her feel down as well. I feel like we arent friends any more and that we argue 5 times a day, that it is even unpleasant to hang out with her sometimes.

 

She encouraged me to get engaged with her last year when i met her parents for the first time in the states but I knew I wasnt ready. We planned at the time that she was going to move back to Japan the following year only if we got engaged. I proposed knowing deep inside I felt like I was being forced to. Then the plan changed and she decided to stay in America because she got a good paying job. We are planning the wedding this week and our parents and friends are excited for the wedding next year. We have to make a deposit pretty soon this week but deep inside I dont want to thinking that I want to break up with her.

 

I love her so much and it hurts when I look at pictures of us traveling together. But I feel like I am not in love with her anymore and that our friendship is dying but yet she thinks everything is okay. She talks to my parents frequently as well on fb and facetime.

 

Maybe when we get married, we will become best friends again? Maybe we will fight less often? Maybe I wont feel as trapped? What should I do? I love her. She is visiting me in Japan and is leaving in 3 weeks. Should I tell her how I feel now? She has a clue but thinks I am okay with us getting married and making her dream come true. Help!!

 

Problems gets enhanced after marriage, and ppl get worse with age.

 

Also, if she was pushy towards marriage, got engaged and then moved to a better paying job half-way around the Globe, you are not a priority.

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