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Hello,

 

I am a twenty-five year old liberal woman. I believe deeply that I am in love. The man that I love and long for is fifty-two years old. We've known each other since 2012.

 

In the past month, he has expressed to me that he wants me to be his wife. I never thought of myself as the type of woman to get married - I always say that if you never marry, you will never divorce. Lately, I've been thinking about what life would be like as his wife. I consider marriage to be very sacred and serious.

 

I was wondering if age has an effect on relationships. There is a 20+ age difference between us. I enjoy him now, a lot - I know with time, things change though.

 

Is it possible for someone to give me a little insight into the dynamics of relationships - how they change over time and relationships of this nature - or wise words to reflect on?

 

xRBH

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I'm not going to tell you that this can't work, but as you suspect, there are a few areas you'll need to look at.

 

The older man who wants a younger woman frequently has a 'youthful outlook'. While it's great that he's not an old fogey, it's quite common for the woman who outgrow him and seek to settle down when he's still wanting to live like a 25yo.

 

Children is an obvious one. Do you want children? If so, is he willing to go back to scratch when he's entering his retirement years? And don't forget that his sperm are no longer at their peak and you're more likely to be dealing with the outcomes of damaged sperm.

 

Speaking of retirement, what does he want to do when he retires? Travel perhaps? Move to a beach house? How would this fit in when you're at the peak of your career (or parenting) and not able to take leave for extended periods?

 

If he's wealthy and can take you with him, think about how a lack of financial independence would affect you now and when you're older.

 

What about each of your friends? Will you be comfortable going out with him and his old friends? And vice verca?

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RecentChange

Personally wouldn't want to be 45 shacked up with a 72 year old.

 

A 25 year old and a 52 year old are usually in very different places in life.

 

The same would be expected 20 years from now. Only at 45 I would imagine you would still want to be sexually active. I don't know how possible that would be for a 72 year old.

 

So why marriage? Do you want kids? Why can't you just stay together without the legal paper work?

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One thing you should consider is that at 25, you've not yet grown into your prime, and at 52, he'll be well past his own when you do.

 

At that point, the age gap will be very apparent.

 

You won't be climbing mountains together or diving wrecks in the Caribbean.

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BettyDraper

I think that the age difference is far too much. He's old enough to be your father and you don't want to end up as his nursemaid when he's experiencing age related illnesses. You are also likely to end up as a young widow. If you want children, there are birth defects which are related to fathers being older. There is also the fact that if you had children with this man, he would be too old to keep up with small kids and your children would be left without a father at a young age when he dies. Your partner is entering the period of his life when he wants to slow down with a "been there, done that" attitude and you are still a young woman who wants to have fun and experience life. You will face plenty of stigma from people who will see you as a gold digger because of the age difference.

 

Look what happened to Celine Dion. Her husband was 26 years her senior. Now she is raising 3 boys by herself and her youngest kids aren't even 7 years old. She's wealthy but all the money in the world will not take away her loneliness as well as fill the space left in her children's hearts by their father's death.

 

I understand why you prefer older men. They tend to be more established, worldly, chivalrous and patient. Older men can also be very controlling, boring and insecure. Think long and hard about your future as the wife of a much older man rather than just the present.

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I did the actual math... It comes out to 27 years difference. That's an awful lot.

 

I am 46 years old and I cannot fathom how a 52 yr old could consider marrying a 25 yr old. Besides the fact that there's so much that you guys don't have in common, if you marry, he's robbing you of the opportunity to have a family with someone you could potentially spend your life with. He's also robbing your kids of a dad who will be around when they're grown. I have dated guys your age and I do it only with the understanding that I will step aside when they're done playing and want to get started on real life. I don't think he's got your best interests in mind.

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I actually have a relative who married a much older man. He was a really great guy. Warm, loving, generous, extremely successful.

 

My nephew was born shortly after he died, so he never knew his father.

 

His mother never had another relationship after his death.

 

They are wonderful people, but they both carry a persistent sadness about the loss of him.

 

He was a top level, world renowned artist, the highest earning in the world, at the time of his death.

 

My nephew now takes care of his old and frail mother.

 

 

Age does make a difference, sometimes a very big difference.

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Look what happened to Celine Dion. Her husband was 26 years her senior. Now she is raising 3 boys by herself and her youngest kids aren't even 7 years old. She's wealthy but all the money in the world will not take away her loneliness as well as fill the space left in her children's hearts by their father's death.

 

 

Celine Dion and her late husband were very much in love and happily married for 21 blessed years.

 

That should not be discounted.

 

Love just doesn't happen every day with any ole tom, dick or harry you meet.

 

OP, if you are both in love then I say go for it and be happy, be in love and enjoy however many years you have together.

 

He is only 52 years old, he has a good 15-20 vibrant years or longer left before he starts slowing down....

 

Not a fan, but Donald Trump just turned 70 today.. My only point being, he still has an incredible amount of stamina and energy.

 

So just enjoy each other.... one never knows how many years they have left.... any one of us could die tomorrow.... just sayin.

 

Or if you married a man your age, he could be hit by a car, become paralyzed and then where would you be -- taking care of him for the rest of your life.

 

Anything can happen.

You only live once. True love is hard to find.

 

So just ENJOY! Be Happy! Be in love! Go for it!

Edited by katiegrl
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I'm not going to tell you that this can't work, but as you suspect, there are a few areas you'll need to look at.

 

The older man who wants a younger woman frequently has a 'youthful outlook'. While it's great that he's not an old fogey, it's quite common for the woman who outgrow him and seek to settle down when he's still wanting to live like a 25yo.This is the biggest fear that I have - I don't know what life will be like when I am 30 or so. Will we outgrow each other? Will sex be important to me? I'd never want to be a cheating wife or a wife that leaves her husband for another man. I know there are alternative lifestyles, but I am not too sure how I feel about things like swinging...

 

Children is an obvious one. Do you want children? If so, is he willing to go back to scratch when he's entering his retirement years? And don't forget that his sperm are no longer at their peak and you're more likely to be dealing with the outcomes of damaged sperm. I want children. The sperm issue does concern me. Isn't there a way to test sperm?

 

Speaking of retirement, what does he want to do when he retires? Travel perhaps? Move to a beach house? How would this fit in when you're at the peak of your career (or parenting) and not able to take leave for extended periods?I don't see him retiring. He's an actor and works during the night. I don't know his financial situation, to be honest.

 

If he's wealthy and can take you with him, think about how a lack of financial independence would affect you now and when you're older.I'm definitely going to work no matter what. It's important to be financially independent and is a MUST for me.

 

What about each of your friends? Will you be comfortable going out with him and his old friends? And vice verca?

I've met a few of his friends and most of them seem like pretty decent people.A lot of his friends are a little younger than him.
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Celine Dion and her late husband were very much in love and happily married for 21 blessed years.

 

That should not be discounted.

 

Love just doesn't happen every day with any ole tom, dick or harry you meet.

 

OP, if you are both in love then I say go for it and be happy, be in love and enjoy however many years you have together.

 

He is only 52 years old, he has a good 15-20 vibrant years or longer left before he starts slowing down....

 

Not a fan, but Donald Trump just turned 70 today.. My only point being, he still has an incredible amount of stamina and energy.

 

So just enjoy each other.... one never knows how many years they have left.... any one of us could die tomorrow.... just sayin.

 

Or if you married a man your age, he could be hit by a car, become paralyzed and then where would you be -- taking care of him for the rest of your life.

 

Anything can happen.

You only live once. True love is hard to find.

 

So just ENJOY! Be Happy! Be in love! Go for it!

 

It isn't everyday that you make a deep, solid connection with someone. But, the love is what is conflicting, because I love this person enough to think long term and make a realization about life and how things change. I like to have the attitude of living once and being present, enjoying the moment - but, I know it is easy to get lost. Again, I'd never want to hurt him. I believe he is my twin flame - Are you familiar with this concept?:love:

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BettyDraper
Celine Dion and her late husband were very much in love and happily married for 21 blessed years.

 

That should not be discounted.

 

Love just doesn't happen every day with any ole tom, dick or harry you meet.

 

OP, if you are both in love then I say go for it and be happy, be in love and enjoy however many years you have together.

 

He is only 52 years old, he has a good 15-20 vibrant years or longer left before he starts slowing down....

 

Not a fan, but Donald Trump just turned 70 today.. My only point being, he still has an incredible amount of stamina and energy.

 

So just enjoy each other.... one never knows how many years they have left.... any one of us could die tomorrow.... just sayin.

 

Or if you married a man your age, he could be hit by a car, become paralyzed and then where would you be -- taking care of him for the rest of your life.

 

Anything can happen.

You only live once. True love is hard to find.

 

So just ENJOY! Be Happy! Be in love! Go for it!

 

I am not discounting Celine Dion's happy marriage.

The point of using her as an example was to show the potential pitfalls of marrying a much older man.

 

Obviously, partners of similar ages can suffer traumatic illnesses or injuries which would require long term care. However, ailments related to age are far more common and the OP would do well to think about that before marrying such an old man.

 

You mentioned that the OP's partner has 20 vibrant years left. That would put her at 45 which is still young enough to want to do so much more with life. What about the rest of her time on earth when her husband is elderly and wants to slow down? It's important to think about the future ramifications of the choices we make. Seniors who have lots of energy and stamina are the exception and not the rule. That's why typical retirement age is 65-70 years old and seniors who can do certain things at that point in their lives are treated as anomalies.

 

Too many people start marriages with entirely romantic notions in their heads. They only realize that love does not conquer all when it is too late.

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People often think the reason middle aged men marry much younger women is because they are prettier and sexier than women closer to their age.

 

This is a fallacy. A man fit and secure and energetic and attractive would have a plethora of fit, energetic and very sexy and secure mature women to pick from.

 

The reason a 52 year man (and I am 52 myself) would choose a 25 year old over a fit and attractive 40-45 year old is because a mature, worldly woman can see all his problems and flaws and won't put up with his crap.

 

The reason older men marry much much younger women is because they can pull the wool over their eyes and manipulate and control them.

 

Middle aged women would be able to see this and wouldn't tolerate it.

 

He may have. Some wisdom, money and stability that may seem very enticing to a young woman. But that will come at a price that middle age women won't want to pay.

 

So in other words, the reason he wants to marry you is not because you are prettier, firmer and sexier than women his age. It's because he can't control and manipulate mature women and they won't have him.

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BettyDraper
People often think the reason middle aged men marry much younger women is because they are prettier and sexier than women closer to their age.

 

This is a fallacy. A man fit and secure and energetic and attractive would have a plethora of fit, energetic and very sexy and secure mature women to pick from.

 

The reason a 52 year man (and I am 52 myself) would choose a 25 year old over a fit and attractive 40-45 year old is because a mature, worldly woman can see all his problems and flaws and won't put up with his crap.

 

The reason older men marry much much younger women is because they can pull the wool over their eyes and manipulate and control them.

 

Middle aged women would be able to see this and wouldn't tolerate it.

 

He may have. Some wisdom, money and stability that may seem very enticing to a young woman. But that will come at a price that middle age women won't want to pay.

 

So in other words, the reason he wants to marry you is not because you are prettier, firmer and sexier than women his age. It's because he can't control and manipulate mature women and they won't have him.

 

There is much truth to this.

 

I do think that youth and beauty still play a part in a much older man choosing a younger wife but being able to control her is a definite advantage.

 

A trophy wife is also a status symbol.

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There is much truth to this.

 

I do think that youth and beauty still play a part in a much older man choosing a younger wife but being able to control her is a definite advantage.

 

A trophy wife is also a status symbol.

 

 

 

Everyone appreciates a beautiful woman and a beautiful, vigorous and sexy woman on your arm is a status symbol for men.

 

 

But we need to keep in mind that there are fit, vigorous, beautiful 40 year old women out there that are also educated, professional, have life experience and confidence and wisdom that a 25 year old woman despite her abs, simply cannot match.

 

 

If 52 year old man is fit, good looking and monetarily successful enough to get a 25 year old woman, he is fit, good looking and monetarily successful enough to get a fit, good looking and successful 40 year old woman.

 

 

The difference is the controllability factor.

 

 

In other words when you see a middle aged man marrying a woman 20+ years older than him, it is because of controllability factor and/or that he has some deep character or personality flaws that mature and experienced woman simply won't put up with.

 

 

There may be few 50ish year old men out there that may want to have another child (I think they are bat $h!t crazy, but lets say there are some out there) Those guys may strive for a woman of childbearing age that would consent to raising children with an older father.

 

 

But when you see a 25, 30, 35 or more year age gap, it's all about the power and control and the ability to cover up their personal flaws.

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BettyDraper
Everyone appreciates a beautiful woman and a beautiful, vigorous and sexy woman on your arm is a status symbol for men.

 

 

But we need to keep in mind that there are fit, vigorous, beautiful 40 year old women out there that are also educated, professional, have life experience and confidence and wisdom that a 25 year old woman despite her abs, simply cannot match.

 

 

If 52 year old man is fit, good looking and monetarily successful enough to get a 25 year old woman, he is fit, good looking and monetarily successful enough to get a fit, good looking and successful 40 year old woman.

 

 

The difference is the controllability factor.

 

 

In other words when you see a middle aged man marrying a woman 20+ years older than him, it is because of controllability factor and/or that he has some deep character or personality flaws that mature and experienced woman simply won't put up with.

 

 

There may be few 50ish year old men out there that may want to have another child (I think they are bat $h!t crazy, but lets say there are some out there) Those guys may strive for a woman of childbearing age that would consent to raising children with an older father.

 

 

But when you see a 25, 30, 35 or more year age gap, it's all about the power and control and the ability to cover up their personal flaws.

 

I've always preferred older men so have seen the dark traits of men who prefer younger women. I experienced older men with domineering personalities as well as serious negative traits which turned off more seasoned women. They wanted someone young and naive enough to fall for their stupidity and immaturity. Live and learn....I was just a dumb kid.

 

My husband is about 10 years older than I. We have a mostly traditional marriage but that doesn't mean that I am just a mindless slave and his wish is my command. My husband knows that I wouldn't tolerate such nonsense after what I have been through in the past. He doesn't have any flaws which would repel other women either. My husband often says that I am better looking than he is so that ties into the "trophy" factor when you consider my age. His family members and friends have expressed surprise that he "caught a girl like me" and it isn't as if I am a bombshell. I am a 7 at best.

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todreaminblue
I think that the age difference is far too much. He's old enough to be your father and you don't want to end up as his nursemaid when he's experiencing age related illnesses. You are also likely to end up as a young widow. If you want children, there are birth defects which are related to fathers being older. There is also the fact that if you had children with this man, he would be too old to keep up with small kids and your children would be left without a father at a young age when he dies. Your partner is entering the period of his life when he wants to slow down with a "been there, done that" attitude and you are still a young woman who wants to have fun and experience life. You will face plenty of stigma from people who will see you as a gold digger because of the age difference.

 

Look what happened to Celine Dion. Her husband was 26 years her senior. Now she is raising 3 boys by herself and her youngest kids aren't even 7 years old. She's wealthy but all the money in the world will not take away her loneliness as well as fill the space left in her children's hearts by their father's death.

 

I understand why you prefer older men. They tend to be more established, worldly, chivalrous and patient. Older men can also be very controlling, boring and insecure. Think long and hard about your future as the wife of a much older man rather than just the present.

 

the thing is...with celine dion...she was devoted to her husband and loved him dearly...they had many ....many years of love to share together...a lot more than a lot of people have......people die young ....people die old.....if you live life and base love worrying about death...is that really living or ....loving......to a capacity that brings you happiness and a peaceful heart

 

op i feel you should consider it carefully before accepting a proposal..........but do follow your heart.....deb

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I've always preferred older men so have seen the dark traits of men who prefer younger women. I experienced older men with domineering personalities as well as serious negative traits which turned off more seasoned women. They wanted someone young and naive enough to fall for their stupidity and immaturity. Live and learn....I was just a dumb kid.

 

My husband is about 10 years older than I. We have a mostly traditional marriage but that doesn't mean that I am just a mindless slave and his wish is my command. My husband knows that I wouldn't tolerate such nonsense after what I have been through in the past. He doesn't have any flaws which would repel other women either. My husband often says that I am better looking than he is so that ties into the "trophy" factor when you consider my age. His family members and friends have expressed surprise that he "caught a girl like me" and it isn't as if I am a bombshell. I am a 7 at best.

 

I don't know your age but the difference in life experience and maturity with a 10 year age gap is very proportional to the people's ages. The difference between a 25 year old and a 15 year old is huge. The difference between a 30 year old and a 20 year old is significant. The difference between a 40 year old and a 30 year may or may not be significant. Between a 50 year old and 40 year old probably doesn't mean a whole lot.

 

 

And the older you get beyond that, it's questionable whether it even matters at all.

 

 

I s'pose one could even argue a 20 year difference between a 60 year old and a 40 depending on a variety of factors may not be such a big deal.

 

 

But a 52 year old and a 25 year old IS a big deal and there is likely something fishy taking place.

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I've always preferred older men so have seen the dark traits of men who prefer younger women. I experienced older men with domineering personalities as well as serious negative traits which turned off more seasoned women. They wanted someone young and naive enough to fall for their stupidity and immaturity. Live and learn....I was just a dumb kid.

 

My husband is about 10 years older than I. We have a mostly traditional marriage but that doesn't mean that I am just a mindless slave and his wish is my command. My husband knows that I wouldn't tolerate such nonsense after what I have been through in the past. He doesn't have any flaws which would repel other women either. My husband often says that I am better looking than he is so that ties into the "trophy" factor when you consider my age. His family members and friends have expressed surprise that he "caught a girl like me" and it isn't as if I am a bombshell. I am a 7 at best.

 

I've always preferred older men, as well. When it comes to looks - I think we are bother attractive. It's not so much about looks, money, sex, being a trophy, etc... For me, it is more about having a healthy and stable adult relationship with someone that is older. There are many possibilities, I suppose - I guess, I won't know until later. I just would like to avoid some things if there is a way.

 

What are ways that older men may try to control a younger woman?

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I don't know your age but the difference in life experience and maturity with a 10 year age gap is very proportional to the people's ages. The difference between a 25 year old and a 15 year old is huge. The difference between a 30 year old and a 20 year old is significant. The difference between a 40 year old and a 30 year may or may not be significant. Between a 50 year old and 40 year old probably doesn't mean a whole lot.

 

 

And the older you get beyond that, it's questionable whether it even matters at all.

 

 

I s'pose one could even argue a 20 year difference between a 60 year old and a 40 depending on a variety of factors may not be such a big deal.

 

 

But a 52 year old and a 25 year old IS a big deal and there is likely something fishy taking place.

 

I don't feel as if anything fishy is taking place - I believe his intentions are pure and there is an abundance of love that he has for me. I do believe he has some doubts about the longevity of the relationship. I think he wonders a lot about whether I'd leave him to be with another man. As, he cried to me telling me not to leave him and that it's impossible for me to love him back. There are some insecurities - but, I think maybe we all have a few.

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BettyDraper
I don't know your age but the difference in life experience and maturity with a 10 year age gap is very proportional to the people's ages. The difference between a 25 year old and a 15 year old is huge. The difference between a 30 year old and a 20 year old is significant. The difference between a 40 year old and a 30 year may or may not be significant. Between a 50 year old and 40 year old probably doesn't mean a whole lot.

 

 

And the older you get beyond that, it's questionable whether it even matters at all.

 

 

I s'pose one could even argue a 20 year difference between a 60 year old and a 40 depending on a variety of factors may not be such a big deal.

 

 

But a 52 year old and a 25 year old IS a big deal and there is likely something fishy taking place.

 

You're right. I was 25 when I met my husband and the age difference was noticeable back then but certainly not insurmountable. It helped that I was not into the same activities that most 25 year olds were wasting time with. I was charmed by my husband's great manners and sense of chivalry. When we met, I had all but given up on men because I was with a couple of men who were cruel liars.

 

The age difference between my husband and I is barely noticeable now. There was a period of time where my husband was becoming very boring and content to watch the paint dry every weekend. He also stopped caring about his appearance. I let him know that I needed dates and fun outings to be happy; he was just getting too complacent since he was comfortable with our marriage. When I pointed out that I still tried to look nice for my husband and he noticed how much attention I received from other men, he started to take care of his appearance with exercise and buying new clothes.

 

It looks like you and I are on the same page about the OP's age gap with her boyfriend. It is far too much and very suspect. I don't think marrying such an old man would be a smart choice but maybe she doesn't care about the age gap. Of course, there must be some apprehension or else this thread would not have been posted.

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BettyDraper
I've always preferred older men, as well. When it comes to looks - I think we are bother attractive. It's not so much about looks, money, sex, being a trophy, etc... For me, it is more about having a healthy and stable adult relationship with someone that is older. There are many possibilities, I suppose - I guess, I won't know until later. I just would like to avoid some things if there is a way.

 

What are ways that older men may try to control a younger woman?

 

Oh dear...if only you knew.

 

Terrible older men use their extra years on this planet to bully you into submission. They will bring up their age as if that gives them the right to parent you rather than be a partner. These types will often allow their insecurities to give them a jailer mentality; they know that their young and beautiful partners receive plenty of attention from other men so they start watching their young partners like detectives.

 

You may think that your relationship is purely about love and good intentions. However, I can assure you that nobody gets into a serious relationship unless there is something in it for him as well. It seems like you're somewhat naive about the intentions of older men. My observations come from experiencing both the good and bad side of being with an older partner.

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GunslingerRoland

This was a similar age difference to my Grandmother & Grandfather, and she lived the last 40 years of her life as a widow.

 

 

I'm not saying you should use death as a deciding factor here, everyone will die and you never know when. But you are increasing the odds greatly that he will get sick and or die before you. Quite possibly decades before you.

 

 

Plus as others have mentioned how will this work in a few years when he is retired and you are just entering your prime working years? Again not a show stopper but you have to work out the logistics of this kind of stuff.

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My parents got married when my mom was 30 and my dad was 55--yep, 25-year age gap.

 

I was born a few months they were married.

 

I've known people in their 80s and 90s who were quite active, more than a lot of young people out there.

 

As a few others mentioned, anything can happen to anyone at any age. Young people can suddenly be inflicted with ALS, and younger and younger people are getting Alzheimer's.

 

If you love this man, and if the thought of spending your life with him excites you, and you feel like it is a special and sacred relationship, then go for it.

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RecentChange

OP, as a "liberal woman" is marriage important to you?

 

What are YOUR reasons for getting married? Do you have a pro / con list?

 

It sounds like he is insecure and wants to "tie you down" so you can't leave if someone better comes along.

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Lois_Griffin

Well, if you have no problem being a widow at 50 and choosing to be with someone you KNOW you won't retire and grow old with, have at it. And if you have a kid with him, it's not unfair at all to saddle a poor kid with a father whose too old to roughhouse with him or do sports and things with him, and who'll probably come to his high school graduation using a walker or cane. Every kid lives for that. :rolleyes:

 

I think this guy has gotten to a point in life where he wants someone to take care of him in his old age so he's suddenly all gun-ho on getting married. Like the others have said, he's either a lech who chases young skirts or he's not able to find a woman his OWN age because she can see right through his crap. It ain't rocket science.

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