angtrp Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years and we have 1 child together. I honestly don't think we will ever get married. I don't see it in the future, but not because of me - because of him. After so long together, living together, raising a child he still doesn't know. He says he has reasons but doesn't really ever tell me them. Maybe because it would result in the relationship ending if he said out loud that we have no future together. We get along well enough. The only things we fight about are household or child care things. We don't hate each other. But I wouldn't say we're in love. I don't remember the last time we kissed. We still have sex a few times a month. It's like we're just going through the motions. So what do I do? I don't know if I could end it unless he straight out tells me, no I never want to marry you. Even then, it's not like we hate each other and are miserable. We don't fight in front of our daughter. It's easier together than alone. Splitting up would be very messy. Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I don't know why you posted and I don't know why I am responding. You're not going to act on any advice you get. You've been unhappy for a while, and you've not done anything about it for a long time. No matter what anyone says you're just going to do what you have done: nothing. With that said, you're what I call a happiness chaser: You're not happy now, but if just this one thing changes bliss will be yours. Wrong. Pretend you got married, will you then be happy? Probably not, you'll be in the same relationship with a piece of paper. In fact, that piece of paper will make it just a little harder to get out of this relationship. My advice is to go to counseling with him. Let him know your not happy, but you think it can be better. Your happiness isn't beyond your control. But so far you haven't been exerting any control. Take charge of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 It depends on what you want, OP. What you see now is that you get with your boyfriend. He has no plans to marry you and it sounds like the romance is over. You're both complacent but not really happy with each other, in the true sense of a romantic partnership. Suggest couples' counselling if you think there's still a chance. Just don't expect a marriage. I think the most you'd ever get with him is a domestic partnership, which is where you are now. It might be a happier union, but I highly doubt it will result in marriage. And of course a split would be messy. They generally are when children are involved. But can you not handle it? I'm sure you can. Yes, it would be unpleasant and difficult...but not impossible. What's really keeping you from taking that step? Link to post Share on other sites
Barbary_Horse Posted June 12, 2016 Share Posted June 12, 2016 I had to answer this as my boyfriend doesn't ever want to marry and I tell myself he'll come around for many reasons but I stay anyway, yet I also wouldn't say it's love, we just really fancy each other. It sounds as if your partner is quite happy with the set up, yet you are left wondering why he doesn't want to make things official and 4 and a half years is a lot of wondering. Nobody wants to leave what they know even if they become indifferent to it all especially when it represents safety for your child and neither of you has any resentment. Unless something really shakes you up this may drag on as it's the safe option and I don't blame you. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 13, 2016 Share Posted June 13, 2016 I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years and we have 1 child together. I honestly don't think we will ever get married. I don't see it in the future, but not because of me - because of him. After so long together, living together, raising a child he still doesn't know. He says he has reasons but doesn't really ever tell me them. Maybe because it would result in the relationship ending if he said out loud that we have no future together. We get along well enough. The only things we fight about are household or child care things. We don't hate each other. But I wouldn't say we're in love. I don't remember the last time we kissed. We still have sex a few times a month. It's like we're just going through the motions. So what do I do? I don't know if I could end it unless he straight out tells me, no I never want to marry you. Even then, it's not like we hate each other and are miserable. We don't fight in front of our daughter. It's easier together than alone. Splitting up would be very messy. If you think that living with such resentment and disappointment for the rest of your life is easier than being alone, you have some serious self esteem issues since you're willing to settle on something that is very important to you. Why are you giving him such power over your life? You can make the split less messy by being mature and fair. If you want marriage, there is no way that you can stay with this man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 19, 2016 Share Posted June 19, 2016 We get along well enough. The only things we fight about are household or child care things. We don't hate each other. But I wouldn't say we're in love. I don't remember the last time we kissed. We still have sex a few times a month. It's like we're just going through the motions. I'll just say you're setting the bar for happiness pretty low. No relationship, married or otherwise, is nonstop rainbows and unicorns. But there should be moments of joy, periods of happiness and a feeling of deep contentment from the connection to another person. Feeling the way you do, even if your BF asked, why would you want to marry ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
lovey34 Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 stay where you are... i think you need to examine the relationship for what it is. as woman we always have to make sacrifices for our family. what would you do for yours? you deserve to be happy yes, but it sounds like you are content for now. you child is young, and needs both parents right now. personally, if it is not a life threatening situation, i would give up the idea of marriage for my childs sake. on another note, if you can get down to the bottom go why, it might help. maybe he doesnt want to be legally married for financial reasons... therefore you can have your marriage ceremony just don't ever sign any official documents so legally you aren't married. people have reasons for things, and you have to rust his reasons. express how important it is and if you guys can compromise. sometimes age can be a factor. as a man ages, he becomes more mature in life and doesnt mind the idea of settling down. I'm sure you guys can find a happy medium. also, from some one who has been married, it is the state of mind that counts in a marriage, not a certificate or a ceremony. what ever your reasons are you should think about why it is you want to get married so bad. is it for commitment? why do you need a paper to commit? is it for the image? just have the ceremony then.. might it be for "doing the right thing" in other peoples eyes? then you are getting married for the wrong reasons. think about it and figure it out, marriage is a beautiful thing and i don't need a paper to tell me so. but what is important is making you feel secure n your relationship. finger out what that might be, and you can solve your problem, even if it is a temporary compromise. best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Tribble Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Why do you even want to get married?? You say you don't love each other so why would you want to? If he feels the same way, I'm not surprised he doesn't want to get married. There are lots of things that go into a marriage. Similar values, principles, wanting the same things for the future, security and, I think, love too. It is a massive commitment that should not be entered into lightly and without love, why would you bother taking that (somewhat risky) leap? It is important that you think about your next step carefully for your daughter. Having 2 parents is the ideal scenario for any child, but you don't have to be together to achieve that. Do you want to teach her that it's OK to settle with someone you don't really want? Don't you want to show her what happiness can really look like? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 (edited) Given the state of your relationship, I think you should be thinking, "Thank goodness we're not married and he doesn't want to!" In your situation, I'd already be gone! If the relationship is so unsatisfying now, marriage will only make it worse, and make it even harder to leave. Worse, you're putting the responsibility for the relationship on him. Take responsibility for yourself and make a choice. It sounds like you won't, so you'll be stuck in this state endlessly. Edited June 29, 2016 by central Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted June 29, 2016 Share Posted June 29, 2016 Why on earth don't you kiss? Why on earth don't you bother to try and inject some of the old romance back into it? If you can't be bothered you may as well split. there really is not point in just going through the motions for the sake of it. It doesn't need to be messy. Link to post Share on other sites
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