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we have 2 kids, he still isnt ready for marriage!!!!!


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:mad: I have the most unusual situation, at least I dont know anyone in my situation. To make a very long story short, my boyfriend and I have been together on and off for 5 years, we were together for almost a year then I found out I was pregnant during our breakup, we stayed apart for a year then when our daughter was 6 months old he wanted to work things out and of course so did I, I missed him terribly here I was pregnant with his child and he wasnt around except for calling once in awhile, and it was hard. So after being friends for awhile after our initial breakup, I mean really close friends we couldnt go to bed at night without talking to eachother, we decided to get back together.

 

Now its been 3 years we have lived together for 2 and a half years and our daughter will be 4 in May and we just had another baby, she is 7 months old. I got pregnant very much by accident!!!!!!!

 

So heres the problem.....after all this he still isnt ready for marriage, he says "eventually" or he doesnt feel its a necessity, it tears my heart to shreds to hear him say this. I love this man more than anything, he is an all around good guy and we get along but our differences on the subject of marriage really cast a dark shadow over our relationship. He was all about marriage when we got back together, he wanted to run off and do it ASAP. It seems like after we started living together he became turned off.

 

Now we have these 2 children and I feel in a tight situation, I dont know what to do, I have nowhere else to go and getting a full time job means daycare and that would be to expensive, I didnt give either child his last name, they both have mine and that angers him but I felt it was in there best interests being he and i arent married to have mine it could always be changed. he is very upset about this.

 

He doesnt get along great with my mom, and he has hinted that shes a reason we arent married but I dont know if he has meant that or has said it since we have always been arguing when he has said stuff like that. HELP!!!!!

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I want to get married. I feel its important to have that commitment and that bond The way he acts sometimes it makes me not want to but I shouldnt have to settle for playing house the rest of my life. If I am unreasonable for feeling this way I really wanna know!!! Im so confused!

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Your desire for a stable, committed, exclusive and permanent relationship with the father of your children is understandable and appropriate. I totally encourage you in seeking that. I do want to caution you that at this point, marriage alone may not mean much, if it is not 100% his choice and backed up by other measures that tend to strengthen your relationship.

 

A strong relationship is one where each partner skillfully and dependably meets the other's most important intimate needs. If you know that someone is meeting your needs and will continue to do so, and it goes both ways, that is the most powerful glue on earth - far beyond the "mere" legal and social strictures of the marriage bond. Right now, neither of you is meeting the other's needs well. He does not give you the security you crave, and you also appear to be holding back, as in the children's names. Neither of you appears willing to take that first, scary step toward commitment. It is odd, but having children together and living together, although they resemble a committed marital relationship, are actually somethign quite different. You've both fallen into a situation because it was easier or more comfortable than the alternatives. You both appear to want to retain the right to move on if this doesn't feel good at some point. With kids, work, all the stress of daily life, there will be things that don't work onm occasion.

 

Please check out <URL removed> and buy a copy of His Needs, Her Needs (by the same guy as the website).

 

I do see a problem here - it appears that you are the primary caregiver for the children, and you are not employed. That puts you in a weaker position in some ways. You can't just get up and walk out, whereas it appears that he can and on occasion has. In the back of his mind may be the thought, "I don't need to give her everything she is asking for, because she's pretty much tied down here regardless." Can you do anything to reduce that apparent trapped quality, both for the effect it will have on him, and the benefit for you? A part time job, babysitting co-op, that kind of thing. It will give you more of a feel of having options.

 

BTW...I know this water has already flowed under the bridge for you, but to others reading, an unmarried, unemployed woman with tiny children to care for full time is a dependent person who has had her choices severely restricted. She loses a lot of maneuvering room. It is best to get your relationship squared away before you have the kids. I know mistakes happen, so I recommend that everyone double up on the birth control, particularly if you are under 30 and thus extra fertile. In fact, tripling up would not hurt and is VERY cheap insurance against this kind of situation.

 

Good luck mamabear, keep posting.

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