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my dilema with somebody else's pre-wedding events


d0nnivain

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A dear friend is getting married in April. I didn't think & booked my flight & hotel room already.

 

Today I find out that a friend of the Bride's who I HATE will be there. Everybody including the bride knows how much I despise that chick. Before you tell me how strong of a word hate is, let me assure you it's not strong enough.

 

Now I don't want to go to the wedding at all. 25+ years ago that horrible woman did something that almost got me arrested for something she did (drugs) which would have cost me my professional license & possibly my freedom. I have never forgiven that person & never will because she never stopped with the drugs. At the time she actually said I was over reacting. Granted she was high but still . . .

 

In the wedding city, how am I going to get out of the bachelorette party, the day of fun before the wedding, the rehearsal dinner, & the post wedding BBQ / brunch?

 

At the wedding there will be 200 people so I can avoid the woman I hate. These other events will be smaller & it will be much harder to ignore her.

 

On some level I feel like I'm cutting my nose off despite my face because if I don't go to these things I will end up sitting alone in a hotel room for 5 days. It will also ruin my husband's good time. He has never met the woman I hate BTW.

 

I'm thinking about paying the money to change my tickets. I'll fly in the morning of the wedding & fly out the next day just to avoid that other woman.

 

I'm so pissed at myself for booking early to "save money".

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I will start by saying I have never felt such dislike for anyone, so can't relate at all.

 

That being said I have to ask.. Can you not grin and bear it, for your friend? It is HER wedding after all. HER event, HER day. And if you're invited to all these festivities, including the rehearsal dinner, it seems she holds you in very high esteem. I am also sure you can ignore her during the meals.

Maybe the bachelorette party will be hardest, as there will be less people and maybe not a sit down thing with people between you and the woman you hate, but the other parts? Can you not deal with it?

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girl-in-boots

25+ years is a really long time to hold onto hate. I'm not saying that you should forgive and be all smiles but there's a saying that is something about holding onto hate is like picking up a hot coal to throw at someone.

 

Maybe it's time to move on from those feelings and let them go as they will be causing you more mental harm than good.

JMHO

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I can understand why you hate this woman, but you are only doing yourself harm by holding onto the anger. This happened a long time ago, and there's a chance she hasn't changed and you will still hate her, but holding onto anger like this for so long does nothing but harm yourself.

 

There are many sayings and tips online about letting go of anger and hatred. Nothing positive comes from holding onto it.

 

Try to look to the future and forget about the past. This weekend is not for you, it's for your friend.

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Suck it up and go to some of the events.

 

Skip some events with the excuse of needing a mini vacation with your h. Spend some time exploring the city and tearing up that hotel room. I wish we'd made more time for that when we traveled to a wedding last year!

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Normally I don't even think about her. She is of no concern of mine & when not in the same room we have peacefully co-existed for decades. I never once told anybody to stop being friends with her. Heck, I never even told them what she did to me; I always said that was between me & her. I even helped her son out when he was injured several years ago. I don't harbor any ill will toward her son.

 

My fear comes from the same place it was born. She put drugs into something that belonged to me so she could avoid getting charged. Nothing happened to me, THANK GOD! & I threw the drugs out.

 

But since she still does drugs, how can I go to these events & grin & bear it / have a good time all the while wondering if she's holding & whether just out of spite she will try to do something like that again? Don't tell me she has grown up & won't do it. I have seen recent evidence of her spiteful behavior (aimed toward others) & continued illegal activities. Other mutual friends regale me with stories of her antics because they think it's funny.

 

The bride did this to me once before because it upsets her that the woman & I don't get along. She invited me to something & point blank denied that this other woman would be there. I believed her because the other woman lives 2,000 miles away. When I walked in & saw the woman (the bride was then the happy graduate who got her degree as an adult) I hugged the bride/graduate, called her out for lying to me, & left. It was a long time before I spoke to the bride again.

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I can understand your fear, but now you know what she's capable of, so you can just keep your possessions about you, making sure she goes no where near them.

 

I have no idea if she'd try to do it again or not. But since you know it is possible, you have a defence. And can otherwise ignore the woman. Maybe skip the bachelorette party, as that might be trickier o avoid interacting with her, but I can't see the bride placing you anywhere near this woman during the rehearsal dinner and surely you will be able to avoid her during the post wedding festivities, as there should be plenty of people about?

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And make sure you drink!!

 

Hell No! If I am around her I have to have my wits about me.

 

I spoke to my husband last night. Then I got no sleep because I had these horrible nightmares involving me, her, & bunch of rats. It was awful.

 

DH is being supportive in that it's my choice but he made it clear that if I am going to be this upset he'd rather not go & be miserable.

 

I can't imagine going & being anything other than stressed and annoyed.

 

I haven't made up my mind yet.

 

I am wondering what kind of person that makes me that my hate for her is stronger than my love for my friend? Then again logic tells me that if she's still up to her old tricks I could jeopardize my entire life, career, everything i have worked for. Attending a friend's wedding pales in comparison.

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UGH.

 

Teach me to be proactive & book early.

 

I'm going to lose $400 if I cancel my plane reservations. I thought it was only going to be $150. I would have eaten the $150 but not $400.

 

All I have to say is that B!tch better give me a really wide berth while we are there. The bride also better kiss my A$$ for putting up with this.

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  • 3 weeks later...

This whole wedding thing has turned into a bit of a nightmare, hasn't it?

 

I mean, first there's the pressure of being asked to share with a woman you don't even know (have people stopped giving you a hard time about that, by the way?)

 

Now you're considering biting your nose to spite your face, because the "She-Devil" is going to be there...

 

Honestly, how much do you think you are really going to enjoy this? It all sounds a lot more stressful than it's going to be worth...!

 

Have you actually spoken to the Bride, yet, about this whole deal?

 

Maybe you should contact this woman and tell her up-front:

 

"I hear you are coming to <Bride's> wedding. let me make this absolutely clear to you:

Come within 10 feet of me and I will do whatever is necessary to make it loud and clear to everyone what a scumball I consider you to be. And let me add: This is between you and me. I haven't told anyone else I'm speaking with you about this, so if it gets out, and others know about it, it will have come from you - not me.

 

Are we clear?"

 

Forewarned is fore-armed....

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PegNosePete
A dear friend

This "dear friend" doesn't know how much you hate this woman, or why?

 

Maybe time to explain. I would tell her that you aren't asking her to choose one friend over the other, but simply if this woman attends, you will not.

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This "dear friend" doesn't know how much you hate this woman, or why?

 

Maybe time to explain. I would tell her that you aren't asking her to choose one friend over the other, but simply if this woman attends, you will not.

 

 

 

The bride knows I hate this woman & has known this for 25+ years. Several years ago when the bride graduated from college she threw herself a party & invited us both but didn't tell me the other woman was attending. She lives in the Midwest so it wasn't like I expected to see her. I walked in, saw her & walked out.

 

 

The invitations already went out. The bride can't uninvited everybody. I already paid for my tickets before I found out the other woman was coming & couldn't cancel them without losing all the money. DH didn't really want to do that so we're working around the woman I don't like.

 

 

I don't believe in airing dirty laundry. From the day the other woman offended me I kept my mouth shut. Opening it now, isn't going to fix anything.

 

 

It's my problem & I'm dealing with it. The amount of stress the bride is under is extreme. I'm not going to add to it. Really it's my problem. As I have let it settle, I'm calmer. Now I simply fear that the woman will physically try to harm me. She's not above punching people

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Now I simply fear that the woman will physically try to harm me. She's not above punching people

Just make sure you are never alone and that those around you are bigger and stronger.

 

She won't punch you with a retaliative audience looking on...

 

Good luck!

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The bride knows I hate this woman & has known this for 25+ years. Several years ago when the bride graduated from college she threw herself a party & invited us both but didn't tell me the other woman was attending. She lives in the Midwest so it wasn't like I expected to see her. I walked in, saw her & walked out.

 

 

The invitations already went out. The bride can't uninvited everybody. I already paid for my tickets before I found out the other woman was coming & couldn't cancel them without losing all the money. DH didn't really want to do that so we're working around the woman I don't like.

 

 

I don't believe in airing dirty laundry. From the day the other woman offended me I kept my mouth shut. Opening it now, isn't going to fix anything.

 

 

It's my problem & I'm dealing with it. The amount of stress the bride is under is extreme. I'm not going to add to it. Really it's my problem. As I have let it settle, I'm calmer. Now I simply fear that the woman will physically try to harm me. She's not above punching people

 

But does she know why you hate this woman? If you never told her she may think you hate her for some petty reason and need to get over it.

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Just make sure you are never alone and that those around you are bigger and stronger.

 

She won't punch you with a retaliative audience looking on...

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

Eeeehhhhh . . . maybe it's because my opinion of this woman is so low but I have heard stories of her punching people in bars. Back when we were thrown into the same circles, I saw her do this. I am hoping she's matured since then but don't hold out much hope.

 

 

DH is a Marine. He knows my irrational fears so I expect to be glued to his side.

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Just make sure you are never alone and that those around you are bigger and stronger.

 

She won't punch you with a retaliative audience looking on...

 

Good luck!

 

 

Do you really want to go to a wedding where you fear being punched? I mean shouldn't she ask the bride to disinvite this person?

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I'm not the type of person who holds petty grudges for a quarter century & the bride knows this.

 

I'm not going to drag other people into this all these years later. Because if I told them why, they would have to chose sides.

 

I've made peace with what I have to do to protect myself. I just have to be vigilant. DH will be there the entire time.

 

I already bought my tickets & made my reservation. I tried to undo it. I can't. The other woman already bought her tickets. If the airline won't give me a refund why would they give her one.

 

My life philosophy has always if somebody asks me to chose between them & someone else, I will always pick the someone else on principle. So I am not going to demand that the bride chose.

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Oh, boy, I completely sympathize. There is one person that is lucky I haven't just thrown her in front of a bus. I've always been very tempted to use my "first offense" on her.

 

If a friend of mine had set me up to run into her before, which is very disrespectful, I wouldn't even still be friends with her either, so she's lucky you even still talk to her. I think you must cancel your reservations and fly in and out just before and after the wedding. You won't be the only one. Not many people have time for a bunch of wedding before and after stuff. If you wanted to, you could just TELL her you're coming in right before and leaving right after and stay in a different hotel and enjoy your time there but not even let her know you are in town until the day of. You could stay at another hotel until the day of and then move there if that's what's expected. Get out of the neighborhood entirely. Or just change reservations.

 

I was a bit on the fence about this until you said this friend who's getting married has disrespected your feelings on this woman before, but to me, you have no reason to have any guilt no matter what you do now because of that.

 

Of course, other alternatives include cancelling her reservations for her at the last minute or alerting airport security she may be carrying drugs.

Edited by preraph
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whichwayisup

how would ANYBODY take that other woman's side after what she did to you?

 

Go and avoid her as much as possible. Stay sober, stay alert, mind your drink at all times (don't leave it unattended) and if this crazy person takes a swing at you, walk away and call the cops. Don't hit her back (though I'm sure you'd be tempted) because she's the type who will turn it all around on you and make you out to be the devil and she's innocent and an angel.

 

If you truly can't handle the lead up parties and gatherings days before the wedding, tell your friend there's some family emergency going on and that you will only be attending her wedding, not the stuff beforehand.

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I started to waffle about this & was beginning to think for the bride I just suck it up & spend time with the other guest I don't like.

 

Last night DH & I ran into an old friend of mine. He knows the bride, not well enough to be invited but he knows her. He asked me who was going to the wedding. I told him this woman was on the guest list & he launched into a 15 minute tirade about what a horror show she is. He told some stories about stuff that I didn't even know about. The stuff he said was way worse then what I remember.

 

Although my hatred of her comes from when we were younger, he told this story about how she behaved a few years ago at an event he was at with his then GF, another mutual friend. It involved this woman removing her underwear, putting it on her head, flashing every guy her lady parts, heroin, crystal meth & the cops.

 

It further proved that I need to stay the heck away from her.

 

When our friend was done trashing her, DH said that he's glad I am choosing to distance myself.

 

I feel so much better about the whole thing. The bride knows I'm not coming to the bachelorette party & why. Instead, she's including me with the family to get my hair done the morning of the wedding. I'm so much happier with that.

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  • 2 weeks later...

An anonymous call to Airport security alerting them to her and her drugs arrival into the city should sort the problem.:cool:

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My grandmother recently had a stroke so I've started seeing family I haven't in years, including my cousin who I can't stand either. We have a long history and he's tried to scam my grandmother out of thousands of dollars before. =/

 

It was stressful for days anticipating his arrival, and trying to figure out what I was going to do when he did. But you know, when he showed up it really wasn't as bad as I had made it out to be in my own head. And I eventually just let my love for my grandmother, who was happy to see him for some bizarre reason, wash the bad feelings away for the time being and I ended up not really speaking with him but being basically cordial.

 

I think you should go anyway, you might be surprised and it might not be as bad as you're anticipating either and even if it is, just try and think of the joy you had on your wedding day and the love you have for your friend.

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Argh D0nn what a nightmare for you.

 

You know what though. If you stay away and make sure you are not near her it should be OK. You can plan some lovely things to do with your DH away from the wedding party and have some chill out/ fun time.

 

Stick to DH the whole time and stay as far away from this woman as possible.

 

If I were you I would ask his to hold everything in his packets so you don't even need to carry a bag on the day.

 

I have never understood why people remain friends with others who behave like this... Baffles the day lights out of me. I mean why invite someone you know will cause hassle towards your friends and family to your wedding which is stressful enough already? Does your friend just enjoy the drama?

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