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4 years engaged, no progress?


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So I will try to summarize this the best I can. I don't have many friends to ask advice from and my family gives purely negative responses.

I have been with my boyfriend/fiance since 2010. He bought the ring and all, and since then there has been no progress. He was employed 8 months between 2010 and now. I have been financially supporting us since Nov. 2012-all rent, electricity, gas, garbage. groceries, ect.

He says he does not want to get married until he gets a job-but he is unwillingly to work any "menial job"-ie no walmart, grocery store, ect.

He refuses to marry me unless he has a job and we live in a house we buy. Well I have no extra savings considering I am supporting two people and paying student loans.

He personally has 400000+ from an injury settlement. He refuses to use this to support himself or split costs of living with me.

I am turning 28 this year and feel I have waited long enough for him. I don't feel it's fair he wants a job and house when marriage is simply a commitment (I want a very small, cheap wedding)

Anytime I bring concern up e threatens to leave.

Opinions?

Edited by honeybode
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Hi, don't want to sound harsh, but if it were me, I would have left him ages ago! He has no job and is not willing to find a job. If a man cares enough about you, he'd take any kind of job! His excuses are excuses.

 

Why are you still with him?

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What Allumere said.

 

Anytime I bring concern up e threatens to leave.

Opinions?

Let him leave.

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aussietigerwolf
course he isn't going to get married. He has a free ride. Sorry but you need to get out.

I hate to say it but... I actually agree... He is unwilling to get a job to help out and unwilling to use any of the large amount he has to help out either.... Honestly id question if I was just being used as he doesn't want to get married without all these conditions being met but is unwilling to work towards them and is able to help even a little bit every day costs but refuses to.

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He doesn't want to marry you until he has a job and house? Looks like it's not happening since he's not making any progress. He's letting you support him while he has the means to support himself. You're not even legally responsible for him. I would leave and see if you can get alimony. I believe if you have lived together at least 5 years, you can get money from him or at least take him to court. Not being married and supporting him like this makes it harder for you to get anything out of him. Cut your losses now and move on.

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If your fiancé doesn't change and find something in life he is passionate about, or just find anything that gives him the means to contribute financially, then it is in your best interest to leave and seek out a partner who can be an equal team player.

 

My partner was in an accident that seriously impacted his employment prospects but he has managed to keep a job for over ten years which he loves.

 

I get people who find it hard to get on their feet financially, I have to be really passionate about anything I do or I get lazy and don't stick with things. Perhaps your fiancé is stuck in a rut and isn't motivated due to his lack of passion in life/in his work?

 

My ex from when I was 18 - 20 contacted me the other day; he was a total stoner and a lazy, unreliable type. Now he owns two cars and a house and supports his partner; he quit smoking weed.

 

Even the laziest of men I know of/knew can change. My recent ex went from not doing much and being totally lazy and unmotivated to earning good money and is now in Europe on a year long trip.

 

Some people I am afraid, will stay unmotivated for life. It has been a few years now, do you truly think your partner can get his act together?

 

Do you want a husband who cannot support himself for not legitimate reason?

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I am truly sorry about what you going through, but I think breaking an engagement is better than you are getting a divorce after few years of your marriage.

What I can See he is selfish because he does not want to use his money to support for the expenses or help him self. And He is threatening you to leave. So that is very clear that he is not willing to commit. And as you say marriage is not a simple commitment either,and that is not about the price of the wedding either, he is the person who is going to share your life till you guys apart by death. But if you need a marriage just because of you are 28 and you want to get married for few years your concept is right but,, other than that I don't see any healthy bond between you two.

it is totally up to you. If I were you I have gone long ago. He worked only 8 months for 4 years..... Girl don't waste time and effort. I rather be single than being with an idiot who is selfish and not motivated. God Bless you!

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What a selfish short sighted person. Do you honestly think you can build a life with someone like this?

 

I'm not a big believer in ultimatums but this guy needs one.

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I am all for supporting a man who falls ill or suffered an accident.

 

Not wanting to work though? What is life without working or being productive? I know I cannot personally be "happy", well and truly content, if I am not either working or studying towards a career.

 

My mother had to support my father from age 38 because he fell ill.

 

Goodbye joint income. It won't be an easy life ahead of you and there is NO GOOD REASON for it either! This man hasn't even had a true setback that has hindered his ability to work!

 

It saddens be that there are people like your partner when I know my father and my own partner, are desperate to work more yet cannot due to tragic accidents or illness:mad:

 

It was tough even though mum had a secure job. Even so, dad still opted to work whenever he could, even though it was 60 times harder for him to find an employer willing to employ a man who was very sick. He taught tai chi for instance, just laid back jobs he had the strength health to do.....

 

Dad even did a teaching degree whilst ill just to increase his employability.

 

He is now an aged carer and is partner in a jewellery business; he also just got out of hospital again. Not sure what is holding your partner back:mad:

 

My own partner had an accident a few years back and he had to get intensive rehab just to be normal again. At first it scared me, the prospect of supporting a man in the future, since my boyfriend has a memory problem and cannot recite short term facts and can therefore never study a degree; he also cannot drive due to a blind spot in his left eye.

 

From my perspective, I don't mind the notion of supporting a man in theory, but it depends on the context.

 

 

 

 

Men like your partner anger me because two men I am close with suffered true setbacks and still try so hard to work, hold jobs, and find new opportunities.

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What Allumere said.

 

 

Let him leave.

 

I agree. He is just trying to scare and control you by saying that. My stepdad has threatened to leave my mom for the past 20 years, but it hasn't happened and it's not going to because men like this enjoy being freeloaders and not many women will put up with it.

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PerfectStorm

Why would you want to marry this man? He hasn't had a job since 2012, you take care of him and he has 400k sitting in a bank account. If he wanted to marry you he would have found a job and married you by now. He has a free ride, let him leave. Show him where the door is and tell him to not let it him in the a** on the way out.

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kiss_andmakeup

Why do you even want to marry this guy? You realize that marriage doesn't just magically eliminate all existing relationship problems, right? In reality, it can make them worse. This guy sounds lazy, selfish, and complacent. I cannot for the life of me figure out why you would want to tie yourself to a sinking ship.

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Is he preparing the meals, purchasing the groceries and supplies, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, managing the bills and accounts? Some couples are mutually fine with one partner managing the household, although it sounds like you're tolerating the situation, rather than being content with it.

 

If he's sitting on his butt day after day, not running the household and unwilling to pool his finances with yours, nor even offering to place a down payment on a home you both could live in, what real partnership is he offering you? The worst case scenario isn't that he leaves and you don't get married to him, it's you wasting another week with someone who isn't willing to step up and be a true partner in a relationship. I wouldn't waste time giving him an ultimatum, give yourself a timeline in which he moves out of your home (or you find a new place without him, if he digs in his heels and refuses to leave) and your life.

Edited by O'Malley
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Leave his using arse! What is wrong with some of you ladies!?!!?!?!?!? 4-year engagement!? That is ABSURD. He is using you and emotionally holding you hostage b/c he knows the allure of marriage is strong on you...enough to cloud common sense. Any engagement lasting more than 2-years is to be regarded as a MAJOR RED FLAG. He's not getting a job b/c you support his leeching butt. Good grief!

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dragon_fly_7

Looks like this man has gone 1 step further towards elaboring his future faking process. How far will some men go if more women get smarter and this were not to work either? Proposing and then cancelling a wedding just the day before? Or even better... proposing, setting up the date for the wedding but when disappearing right on the wedding date?

 

First we have endless stories of men that never propose to their live-in-gfs and now it's an eternal engagement. Having the ring and being engaged but no mention to when he's going to start looking for a job and when (exact date) and where is the wedding going to take place translates to no future to me.

 

A 4 year-old engagement is the most pathetic story I've ever heard. OP, he's already wasted your time. He's not even interested in finding a job. Talk about a lazy, leech.

Edited by dragon_fly_7
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Looks like this man has gone 1 step further towards elaboring his future faking process. How far will some men go if more women get smarter and this were not to work either? Proposing and then cancelling a wedding just the day before? Or even better... proposing, setting up the date for the wedding but when disappearing right on the wedding date?

 

First we have endless stories of men that never propose to their live-in-gfs and now it's an eternal engagement. Having the ring and being engaged but no mention to when he's going to start looking for a job and when (exact date) and where is the wedding going to take place translates to no future to me.

 

A 4 year-old engagement is the most pathetic story I've ever heard. OP, he's already wasted your time. He's not even interested in finding a job. Talk about a lazy, leech.

 

I agree. I don't understand this 4-5 year engagement business. You're not engaged until you are actually planning with a date set.

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Miss Awesome
So I will try to summarize this the best I can. I don't have many friends to ask advice from and my family gives purely negative responses.

I have been with my boyfriend/fiance since 2010. He bought the ring and all, and since then there has been no progress. He was employed 8 months between 2010 and now. I have been financially supporting us since Nov. 2012-all rent, electricity, gas, garbage. groceries, ect.

He says he does not want to get married until he gets a job-but he is unwillingly to work any "menial job"-ie no walmart, grocery store, ect.

He refuses to marry me unless he has a job and we live in a house we buy. Well I have no extra savings considering I am supporting two people and paying student loans.

He personally has 400000+ from an injury settlement. He refuses to use this to support himself or split costs of living with me.

I am turning 28 this year and feel I have waited long enough for him. I don't feel it's fair he wants a job and house when marriage is simply a commitment (I want a very small, cheap wedding)

Anytime I bring concern up e threatens to leave.

Opinions?

 

I can relate to him in some ways. In other ways, no.

 

 

I met my significant other during the worst financial time of my life. In fact, I'm still not out of it. I know how it feels to feel financially inadequate - and as a female, I know that my finances are generally considered less important, so I can't imagine being a male who feels financially inadequate. So in that way, I can relate.

 

 

However - and this is a big however - I got an advanced degree about a year ago and am currently serving food on a full-time basis. Talk about a "menial job." Talk about doing something that you're totally overqualified for. So, when it comes to his unwillingness to do whatever he needs to do, I can't relate.

 

 

What I see as the major problem here (besides his, forgive my being harsh, mooching) is his hard-and-fast position on the whole thing. He refuses to take a "menial job." He refuses to marry you until he accomplishes these things. It sounds to me like he's, in essence, refusing to compromise and account for what you want.

 

 

Did you two have any marriage plans or sense of a timeline when you first got engaged?

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