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10 year relationship [update - he left!]


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Ok here it goes. I am a 50 year old woman that is in a relationship with a man for 10 years. Ive been pushing marriage for about 3. He has been with me when I moved, my mother dying, my daughter's marriage and we have traveled to many exotic places. I have been married 3x and so marriage wasnt so important to me to begin with but now there is only one thing left to do in our relationship and that is to be married. We do not live together so I want something permanent. He has a beautiful home and he is financially secure. I feel he would be the perfect catch. Yet, he is a very arrorgant man. He has been married once before, where she got the business and alot of his pride. He tells me now that marriage is not out of the questions but that he is waiting on me to change my drinking habits. I drink probably 2-3 drinks a night since my mothers death a year and half ago. And really drinking to me is an aphroidiac with no complaints from him. Yes, he drinks a beer or two everynight and has a liquor bar in his house. I read today that he is probably staying with me out of pity. Yes, that could be true but he does things for me that only a man could do if he really loves someone. What do I need to do?

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It seems clear cut - cut your drinking to one drink a day - permanently - and see if he means what he says about marriage. Otherwise, move on if it's that important to you to be married - and maybe find someone sufficiently compatible you can live with.

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Yes I intend to do just that. How long do I give him? I mean if he hasnt seen the beauty in me already is this a big cop out on his part?.

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And really drinking to me is an aphroidiac with no complaints from him.

 

What do I need to do?

 

 

Explain the first part above - are you saying a few drinks makes you more sexually passionate with or attracted to him?

 

Perhaps given his background a prenup might be helpful.

 

Have you had any individual therapy and/or time to reflect on the reasons behind being married and divorced 3 times?

 

How does being married to you (or I suppose any women) benefit him ? What could be the downsides from his view? this might help you understand why he is not married again.

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I drink probably 2-3 drinks a night since my mothers death a year and half ago. And really drinking to me is an aphroidiac with no complaints from him.

 

"Drink enhances the desire but lessens the ability"

-Shakespeare

 

Your drinking might make you think it makes you a hot lover but to him it might simply make you a sloppy drunk chick. He could pick one of those up at any bar.

You are just using that as an excuse and justification.

 

His reservation in not marrying you unless you sober up is justified and legit. If he were to write in here he would be advised not to make any kind of commitments or any kind of financial or legal obligations with you untill you are of sound mind and clean of any intoxicated.

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So if I prove that I am not a lush and he still will not marry me, then tell me what is his problem??? Thanks to all for the advice. I want to figure out the problem and truly I do not feel its me. I will be more than happy to share.

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mrs rubble

I think he's using your drinking as an excuse to get out of marrying you.

It sounds to me like he's afraid to take the chance on you, you've been married 3 times.

Him once & he suffered financially, he's now financially secure & has his own home. You don't live together after 10 years! He's scared you're going to threaten his security.

I'd offer to sign a prenuptial agreement if I were you.

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So if I prove that I am not a lush and he still will not marry me, then tell me what is his problem??? Thanks to all for the advice. I want to figure out the problem and truly I do not feel its me. I will be more than happy to share.

 

So you know what the problem is - quit drinking all together.

 

Based on what he stated - yes, the problem IS you - and it IS something you can control and change.

 

Are you willing to quit drinking all together to secure a relationship with him?

 

You are responsible for yourself - for you to state you don't think you are the problem then you are not being honest based on what he stated. Quit drinking = get married.

 

A simple request - can you quit and not drink again?

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Yes I intend to do just that. How long do I give him? I mean if he hasnt seen the beauty in me already is this a big cop out on his part?.

 

If you've been altered by your drinking - then he may not know the REAL you - so we can't figure that he knows the real you.

 

Heck, I didn't know the real me until 6-1/2 years ago when I quit drinking.

 

The real me is much different than the me who drank every day.

 

When you stay sober for a year or more - you can find out who the real you is compared to the you who drinks to mask your pain by getting numb.

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yes, a prenup would do but he only stares into space when that is mentioned. Thank you for reconizing the excuse. Im afraid to leave him because he does so much for me. I will control my drinking and if that doesnt work, what then?

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I have been married 3x and so marriage wasnt so important to me to begin with but now there is only one thing left to do in our relationship and that is to be married.

Since you've seen close-up the impermanence of marriage on more than one occasion, why is it important to your now :confused: ?

 

At your respective ages, why not enjoy each other's company in "exotic places" and be happy with that?

 

Mr. Lucky

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I think he's using your drinking as an excuse to get out of marrying you.

.

 

You make that sound like it's a bad thing and that he is doing something wrong.

 

She has 3 failed marriages in her past and has a self-admitted drinking problem and they are both in their 50s - why should he marry her???

 

She talks about his financial security and his beautiful house etc but she doesn't say anything about what she's bringing to the table.

 

What's in it for him????????

 

Instead of asking what's wrong with this guy, she should be asking, "what's wrong with me?"

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So if I prove that I am not a lush and he still will not marry me, then tell me what is his problem??? Thanks to all for the advice. I want to figure out the problem and truly I do not feel its me. I will be more than happy to share.

 

You've mentioned his financial security and his beautiful home etc but you don't say anything about what you are bringing to the table.

 

What do you have to offer him??? Why should he marry you??? Why is it you think there is something wrong with him and that he is the one with the problem?

 

You say he is a good catch but the real question you need to be asking is are YOU a good catch???

 

Are you in his league?

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At your respective ages, why not enjoy each other's company in "exotic places" and be happy with that?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree with this. Why should two people in their 50s get married in the first place?

 

If both people are financially secure, both have their own homes, their own careers, their own grown children and friends and family etc, what would be the point of marriage at that age? (And I am 50 myself BTW)

 

The only point I would see where it would be an advantage to one person is if that one person did not have their own home, was not financially stable and did not was not self-sufficient and was looking for some to live off of.

 

The question would then be, what's in it for the one with the assets and resources? Why should that person marry the other if their isn't any direct benifit to them?

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mrs rubble
You make that sound like it's a bad thing and that he is doing something wrong.

 

She has 3 failed marriages in her past and has a self-admitted drinking problem and they are both in their 50s - why should he marry her???

 

She talks about his financial security and his beautiful house etc but she doesn't say anything about what she's bringing to the table.

 

What's in it for him????????

 

Instead of asking what's wrong with this guy, she should be asking, "what's wrong with me?"

I do not make it sound that way at all! I merely think it's an excuse.

In all honesty, if he had such a problem with the drinking, he'd be giving up his own couple of beer's each day too. He doesn't live with her 10 year's down the track because he's afraid of losing his assets...and yes what does she bring to the table? That's why a prenup would sort these issues.

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I agree with this. Why should two people in their 50s get married in the first place?

 

If both people are financially secure, both have their own homes, their own careers, their own grown children and friends and family etc, what would be the point of marriage at that age? (And I am 50 myself BTW)

 

The only point I would see where it would be an advantage to one person is if that one person did not have their own home, was not financially stable and did not was not self-sufficient and was looking for some to live off of.

 

The question would then be, what's in it for the one with the assets and resources? Why should that person marry the other if their isn't any direct benifit to them?

 

I also agree. I'm 54 and had a 10 year relationship with a wonderful older lady that ended last year. We never lived together but enjoyed each other's company while shielding each other from the baggage. My only regret is that it ended.

Edited by JFReyes
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I agree with this. Why should two people in their 50s get married in the first place?

 

If both people are financially secure, both have their own homes, their own careers, their own grown children and friends and family etc, what would be the point of marriage at that age? (And I am 50 myself BTW)

 

The only point I would see where it would be an advantage to one person is if that one person did not have their own home, was not financially stable and did not was not self-sufficient and was looking for some to live off of.

 

The question would then be, what's in it for the one with the assets and resources? Why should that person marry the other if their isn't any direct benefit to them?

 

Oldshirt, liked your other posted here, but a story to share...

 

I have an older friend (65) and I can only add, that at 40 and even 50 as a divorced man he felt the same way. I get that entirely and completely. He just enjoyed many many casual relationships.

 

However once this older friend of mine hit 60 some minor health problems became major, he started walking with a cane....and now he has cancer and is under treatment. As selfish as it sounds (and it is) he does wish now he had someone committed and living with him - lots of his lady partners would have married him, but he wanted no part. If you can believe this - he tried to get back with his ex wife who he could not stand. I think perhaps certain phases in life make marriage more attractive and beneficial to some.

Edited by dichotomy
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Do you think it's possible he thinks you can't quit - and that he has a sure bet that you won't be able to "earn his requirement to get married" by staying sober?

 

Do you thinks he believes you can go loooong term with no drinks?

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Personally I can't see a good reason why you should expect him to marry you.

 

I'm about your age - and I can't see why I would marry again.

 

You're essentially asking him for security. If you need that - you should be willing to provide it for yourself if that's what you want.

 

I'm sure he realizes this. He may never get "ready" for what you want.

 

Either way, giving up the booze is a healthy choice no matter what the decision with him becomes.

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Oldshirt, liked your other posted here, but a story to share...

 

I have an older friend (65) and I can only add, that at 40 and even 50 as a divorced man he felt the same way. I get that entirely and completely. He just enjoyed many many casual relationships.

 

However once this older friend of mine hit 60 some minor health problems became major, he started walking with a cane....and now he has cancer and is under treatment. As selfish as it sounds (and it is) he does wish now he had someone committed and living with him - lots of his lady partners would have married him, but he wanted no part. If you can believe this - he tried to get back with his ex wife who he could not stand. I think perhaps certain phases in life make marriage more attractive and beneficial to some.

 

 

 

Yeah, that kind of proves the point of my last post in a way. Sometimes people want to marry so someone is obligated to support and take care of them.

 

 

In your friends case he was perfectly happy to be single and date casually until he needed a nurse with a purse. Not that I blame him per se but like in the OP's situation, the question would have to be asked, what does he can to bring to the table? and what would be in it for these women if they were to marry him?

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In your friends case he was perfectly happy to be single and date casually until he needed a nurse with a purse. Not that I blame him per se but like in the OP's situation, the question would have to be asked, what does he can to bring to the table? and what would be in it for these women if they were to marry him?

And why not just hire a nurse? Hell of a lot less complicated than a marriage of convenience...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Yeah, that kind of proves the point of my last post in a way. Sometimes people want to marry so someone is obligated to support and take care of them.

 

 

In your friends case he was perfectly happy to be single and date casually until he needed a nurse with a purse. Not that I blame him per se but like in the OP's situation, the question would have to be asked, what does he can to bring to the table? and what would be in it for these women if they were to marry him?

 

 

Yep it does bring the point you made both ways. There is not a heck of a lot of reason now for a woman to marry him (my older friend), although I directed him to a dating site for people with cancer (love the internet).

 

I guess this has been on my own mind with issues in my marriage, that if you take a long view of it - of being married a long time - there maybe indeed periods were it does not benefit one or both - and other phases where it does and if you understand that things change - staying or getting married when it is not currently beneficial to you - maybe still make sense. If I am making sense.

 

But in OP case, if she has a drinking problem - there may never be any phase now or in the future where it it beneficial to marry her. OP sorry to say this, but fixing your drinking is a larger issue not dependent on the one man you wish would marry you now. Correct it for you.

Edited by dichotomy
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Hi to all. Let me start by saying I am a genuine person and very transparent. What I could bring to the relationship is a lifetime of happiness. Isnt that what everyone wants in life, is to be happy? I always wake up happy and I am the person you would like to be around. Everyone seems to love me. I know money helps and I carry myself well. I pay all my bills and I have a cute home that I own. So I could be bring that if he wants. I know not the house but the equity of it and also my career of medical assisting.

 

Thanks to all for the comments. I know no one knows me so let me tell you all a few things...First off I am a loner of a person and I was just seeing what others might think. My family have all died and I have only a few friends from church and work. Its hard to ask people in those settings. So I chose you guys. It sounds as though I come across as a heavy drinker but thats truly not the case. But since I have read everyones advice, I have limited my drinking to special occassions and I will see if that makes a difference. In the meantime, can anyone suggests things for me to do when Im not working? I work only 3 days a week. Mon-Fri from like 10-5. Also, Yes, I have had 3 failed marriages, but none were my fault. I know it takes two to tango but really I did not leave them. They all left me. Now that I write it down, its sounds really bad. "They all left me". Well let me start off by saying. The first is when I got out of high school and he was a drug user (yes that one I did leave), the second left me after he crashed our car in a severe car accident. That left me in a coma for 8 weeks :eek:, and the 3rd had 3 children with one having cerebral palsy that I felt the needed to help. After the divorce of the 2nd, I met the 3rd gentleman at church and I thought he loved me but instead he only wanted someone to take care of his children.

 

Now that I have put some light on the subject, does anyone know why someone would make the other one feel like they are the best thing that has come into their life but still not except them as a longtime partner?? Especially after 10 years? I also read, it could be out of pity. Could that be true?

 

Sorry for such a long letter but I was just asking and Im a little lonely.

Edited by angel7163
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Hi to all. Let me start by saying I am a genuine person and very transparent. What I could bring to the relationship is a lifetime of happiness. Isnt that what everyone wants in life, is to be happy? I always wake up happy and I am the person you would like to be around. Everyone seems to love me. I know money helps and I carry myself well. I pay all my bills and I have a cute home that I own. So I could be bring that if he wants. I know not the house but the equity of it and also my career of medical assisting.

 

Thanks to all for the comments. I know no knows me so let me tell you all a few things...First off I am a loner of a person and I was just seeing what others might think. My family have all died and I have only a few friends from church and work. Its hard to ask people in those settings. So I chose you guys. It sounds as though I came across as a heavy drinker but thats truly not the case. But since I have read everyones advice, I have limited my drinking to special occassions and I will see if that makes a difference. In the meantime, can anyone suggests things for me to do when Im not working? I work only 3 days a week. Mon-Fri from like 10-5. Also, Yes, I have had 3 failed marriages, but none were my fault. I know it takes two to tango but really I did not leave them. They all left me. Now that I write it down, its sounds really bad. "They all left me". Well let me start off by saying. The first is when I got out of high school and he was a drug user (yes that one I did leave), the second left me after he crashed our car in a severe car accident. That left me in a coma for 8 weeks :eek:, and the 3rd had 3 children with one having cerebral palsy that I felt the needed to help. After the divorce of the 2nd, I met the 3rd gentleman at church and I thought he loved me but instead he only wanted someone to take care of his children.

 

Now that I have put some light on the subject, does anyone know why someone would make the other one feel like they are the best thing that has come into their life but still not except them as a longtime partner?? Especially after 10 years? I also read, it could be out of pity. Could that be true?

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