Dating for Two Years Plus and Engagement Looming or Not ???

[AlisonR1980]

This is my first posting! I was using Google and came to your wonderful website so now I am asking for advice, help, or any similar stories.

 

Two days ago, my boyfriend of two years and 3 months and I decided to "take a break." I have been talking to a lot of friends and my mother, and I am taking it well but it is really difficult. I would like to speak to anyone who has been in a similar situation or could offer some guidance.

 

Here is the deal. I am 24 and he is 32, almost 33. We are very compatible, have met each other's friends and family, and tell each other everything. I think that we both exhibit the love, trust, respect, understanding and enjoyment of each other that makes a wonderful relationship. Every day I feel like I love him more and more, our relationship growing stronger and stronger, but we had our first real fight a few days ago. Of course, it was a big one. We recently went on vacation together and for the past year had been spending 3-4 nights a week together, also talking every night and a few times during the day. I feel like we were so connected on every level, and we both are very much in love. However, the fight was because I told him that I had been thinking about engagement. Ok, actually, we had a fight on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday I e-mailed him a picture of an engagement ring and said "this would make a nice make-up gift." LOL. I know that was bold, and this was the first time we had really talked about engagement, but I am courageous. Regardless, it got my thoughts on the table and that is a good thing because I had been bottling it up inside.

 

Anyhow, he said that he enjoys my company, enjoys seeing me, and loves me, but is not ready to spend the rest of his life with someone. Well, I was mad. I didn't mean that we should get engaged right now -- the ring was somewhat of a joke -- but I do think it is on the horizon. He said that he loves me, and I saw him cry for the first time. I was originally saying that we should just stop seeing each other for good, like forever, because I am a hothead, but we compromised that we should take a break. That was Wednesday night and today is Saturday. We are not talking on the phone or seeing each other, but I e-mailed him today with some pictures saying that I sent him a card.

 

I think that I am somewhat responsible, since I got mad the night before. We were just at each other's necks arguing about stupid stuff like baseball, which triggered the next day's engagement ring e-mail. I also could tell that he was really, really hurting.

 

Here is where I need advice. I truly love him and know that he loves me. He is a good person and has a wonderful heart, but I wonder if there is something wrong that he is not telling me, or if he has some fear he won't talk about. He is 32 and most of his friends are married. He has dated other women before ,and used to subscribe to some social network for outings etc., but do you have any ideas why he would be reluctant?

 

Also, he said that it isn't that he hasn't thought about engagement. He just isn't ready yet. How should I interpret this -- that he just isn't ready for me? Or that I am not the right one?

 

I have been told that I am young and that I should go out and live life. Well, I have done that. I lived in France for a year, have dated a lot, very seriously even, and have a good job. I also purchased my first condo last year! I am also going to school part-time for a graduate degree. This man has been an important foundation in my life. I am mature and ready to start thinking about the future. Should I move on, if he stalls, or should I wait and say, well we need to discuss this more. I am not ready to close him out of my life, but at the same time I want to start getting ready for a life together with someone. I have been ok for the past few days. When I am alone, and really start thinking about it, I just start balling. I need help from you! Please send me stories or advice, or just words to hang in there!

[Tony]

Timing is everything in a relationship. Don't worry about what your friends are doing. Your guy isn't going to marry you or anybody else until he's ready. He's an individual and so are you. You both operate from different perspectives and different space. You may feel you're ready for a commitment but he doesn't right now. If you happen to be in his life when he finally feels that it's time, you'll be the one. He could be ready tomorrow or 20 years from now. There is no way of knowing and he probably has no idea himself. Don't take it personally, it has nothing to do with you.

 

Thank him for his honesty. The only thing you can do is gamble that he'll be ready sometime in the near future. You can't push him or press him. Send no more ring pictures to him. No more hints. He'll come around a lot faster if he isn't pressured.

 

Of course, you can't rule out psychological dynamics which may have made him phobic to long term commitments like marriage. This could have come from his early childhood experiences or other things in his life. You need to pay a lot more attention to determine if there is some kind of hold on his psyche that may make him balk at marriage for a very long time.

 

There are many men who simply fear responsiblity, fatherhood or someone having a stranglehold on their freedom. It's up to you to find all this out. The fact that he has reacted like this and you don't have a clue is indicative of a lack of meaningful communications on a deep level which are essential to a long term relationship. Work on that if you want to stay with this guy.

[AlisonR1980]

Hey thanks for the advice. I agree that I am going to give him space. I know, the engagement ring was pretty crazy, but hey. I agree with you about the communication part. That is so important in any relationship.

 

I have a question for you though. I am sending him a card with a poem in the mail. It is a short stupid rhyming poem! Nothing big. Do you think it is sweet? It is basically saying "even though we are on vacation I am just sending you this card to let you know I am thinking of you."

 

Also what do you think of setting an ultimatum, or just a time when we start talking about this again?

 

I agree that when he is ready, he will let that person know. But I keep on thinking, should I maybe just move on now???

[Tony]

Whether or not you decide to move on now is your business. But giving people ultimatums is bad business. They never take them well. You can give YOURSELF an ultimatum or time deadline. Say, if he doesn't start talking marriage in XXX months or XXX years, then you just move on. Some guys will propose in a matter of weeks after meeting a lady, others take years and some never do. Frankly, I think the best way to fall in love and decide on a life partner is to take your time. This is a decision only you can make for yourself.

 

The poem sounds nice but you know your boyfriend better than we do. Right now with what's going on do you really think that's what he wants to get in the mail? I personally would wait a while and send it for no reason. Your best bet for now is just to back off and let things be as usual.

[Karlise13]

...is do NOT act available. Let him have some space. REALLY.

 

If you keep sending cards and emails and notes and trinkets he will know that you are hoping he will return and he knows the engagement issue will still be on the table.

 

He doesn't want to get married. People don't want to get married mainly for two reasons:

 

(a) It's not the right time.

 

(b) You are not the right person.

 

 

Either way, it's not going to happen right now.

 

Best thing to do? Let him miss you. Let him do some thinking. Let him be ALONE.

 

 

If he decides he wants to be with you and can't stand to be without you, he will call you.

 

 

At that point you can tell him, "Listen, I've been doing some thinking on my own. I want all of you or none of you. If you can't picture us married I want you to move on,"

 

THis may be the hardest thing you ever do.

 

But do it.

 

I've seen couples drag stuff like this out for seven, eight years and longer. Simply because they can't be true to themselves, feel guilty, are afraid of being alone, etc.

 

I wish you the best.

[AlisonR1980]

Hey thanks Karlisle, you are absolutely right about him needing the space, and I will grant him that. I just sent him one quick e-mail, and we IM'd for a bit, but that was it so I hope you did not think I was constantly e-mailing him. But you are absolutely right, and I will let him think things over.

 

I also agree with you about couples who are together for 7 or 8 years still mulling over that. I think that is stupid, and I am a very practical person. You may just have to say "Goodbye" in that situation.

 

I will tell you how I have dealt with this so far. I have been going out with my close girlfriends, and talking things over. We went out to a wine bar one night, went out dancing another, and actually it felt good to get hit on. (My relationship was put "on hold" four days ago mind you). I met a guy at the bar and we talked, so maybe I should just jump into meeting new people and having fun to keep my mind off of this. I like to stay occupied and live an active life.

 

Anyhow, for whatever reason, your advice really made it click with me. I am going to let him miss me. If he doesn't, then that is it. I actually feel really good today after having a wonderful night. Also, this has been a good excuse to get in contact with friends.

 

Thanks again, also for your well-wishes.

[katie79]

Since you already mentioned engagement to him, he knows that's what you want. Perhaps when enough time passes, you could approach this concept to him a little bit better. Having a "talk" with him stating clearly what you want and what you want with him. You can ask him his intentions with you and also ask when he is planning on acting on them. The rest is up to you. This is where I agree w/ Tony, to make yourself an ulitmatium. If he doesn't do things when he says he does or leaves you haning on the idea of marrying you, never see him again. Maybe you should wait a while before doing this. Two years is a significant amount of time, and he should be ready to marry you now at 33. His not being ready is most likely an excuse to string you along until he finds someone else. Cold but true. Then again, we don't know your relationship, but from what you said and with the way men are, that's what it sounds like.

I would have to say as of now, pull away from him. Cancell some of those Friday and Saturday night dates and go out with your friends instead. Don't call him so often, don't look so thrilled to see him, and be cool about where the relationship is going. Don't send him poems or anything of romance. Don't email him suggestions of rings and marriage. These things will scare him. With men, it's when we pull away from commitment instead of moving towards it that makes them realize how important we are to their lives.

I understand where you are coming from, and I was in a position somewhat like yours....more where he kept brining up engagement and marriage on his own will and never doing things when he said he would. It took me almost 4 years to put my foot down the next time he mentioned "looking for a ring". Now, we're engaged, and I used to be worried about all these things relating to it. I really don't care now though. Whatever happens, happens. If he doens't want to be serious it is his loss.

Trust me, you sound like you have a lot to offer...you could do much better than this. If he lets you go, his loss. NEXT!