xxmusical Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 This is just a general discussion. Do you agree that when you marry your SO, you are also marrying his/her family (and relatives) as well? Would you let your SO's family (background, culture, social status, etc.) affect your decision on whether you want to marry him/her? Or is marriage really just about the two of you? Some people may say that the relationship is about you two, not about others, but is that entirely true? I would like to think that marriage is only about the two of us, but in reality, that's not true. Maybe because I'm family-oriented and cares about what/how my family thinks about my SO. At the same time, I'm wondering how my family/relatives and my future in-laws/relatives would get along because they are different in so many ways. So, does marrying your SO equal to marrying his/her family too? Opinions? Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 It really depends on the family and individual, some people are closer to their families than others. IMO when you get married, your spouse should come first. I couldn't be with someone who didn't listen to my concerns or had a mommy or daddy complex. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 You aren't marrying their family but you are marrying into a family and their family will have an effect on your life and relationship if they are close to them or worse if they have drama with them. Your significant other doesn't just exist in a vacuum where you can get them and nothing else....when you marry someone if they have kids, a crazy mom, a great family, debt, a jailbird brother etc...you inherit all of that too to some degree, as your SO will often have some obligation to their family that will spill over into your lives whether it is taking care of elderly parents, or having a mom they can't say no to, or what have you. For me, the kind of family my SO has is taken into consideration, as I know it can deeply affect our relationship. If his family dynamic is toxic and he is heavily a part of it, then that is a red flag to me. We all have our family issues but some are more dysfunctional than others and even on this board you have posters posting about in-laws who are making their lives hell...so it's terribly naive to believe you and your SO can live in an undisturbed bubble. The marriage itself is of course between you two, but as life goes, outside influences exist and if those outside influences include a spouse who is embroiled in family drama or where your spouse is the person who likes to provide refuge for everyone in their family who is on hard times or any number of other family dynamics, then believe me, it will become a concern in the marriage too. Marriage isn't just about romance and I love yous but is a partnership that deals with everyday life and part of your SO's everyday life includes their family most times, as for most people, married or not, that is a relationship which came before you and will remain even if you divorce, so they feel some amount of loyalty and obligation towards them so this very important relationship will factor into your relationship as a couple and how you run your lives. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 They don't call 'em 'in laws' for nothin' and respect is a two-way street. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
EverLastluv Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 This is just a general discussion. Do you agree that when you marry your SO, you are also marrying his/her family (and relatives) as well? Would you let your SO's family (background, culture, social status, etc.) affect your decision on whether you want to marry him/her? Or is marriage really just about the two of you? Some people may say that the relationship is about you two, not about others, but is that entirely true? I would like to think that marriage is only about the two of us, but in reality, that's not true. Maybe because I'm family-oriented and cares about what/how my family thinks about my SO. At the same time, I'm wondering how my family/relatives and my future in-laws/relatives would get along because they are different in so many ways. So, does marrying your SO equal to marrying his/her family too? Opinions? I have heard that too many times. Also I was in a situtation like that where I am in the middle. I have to take care of my fiance and his family intrest. Who was taking care of my intrest NO ONE! some families is just too much and because of them the one you love will never be yours only, he would be stuck between who to "choose" before you. There are families who is very supportive and helpful to their kids relationship and some are not. It all depends on what you can deal with. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 You aren't marrying his family, but it will never be just the two of you. Especially if you have kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted June 4, 2014 Share Posted June 4, 2014 Kind of, you at the least become intertwined with their family. But mostly I'd say it Depends on the folks involved, there expectations and there family dynamics. Marrying me would 100% mean marrying my family too - but that's something that would be apparent by the wedding else there wouldn't be a wedding. Equally, as prepared as I'd be to be involved with in-laws of what have you, my fiancée has practically no contact with her family, consisting of just her dad really. So I'm not marrying any family of hers - but I guess Im kind of marrying Into the issues she has with her dad........I bumped into him in town only the other day, couldn't exactly be inconspicuous with a twin pram either - wanna talk about awkward!!? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 I would like to think that marriage is only about the two of us, but in reality, that's not true. I think it depends on the two people's views. I absolutely do not care about his family, I remember dating a guy who told me his parents were racist (we were of different racial backgrounds) but as long as he didn't force me to socialise with them, I wouldn't have cared. My sister is pretty cool and would get along with most guys I date. My mum doesn't speak English so that's easy. It's unlikely that I would get along with a man who was overtly hung up on anything his family did and wasn't independent so as long as we were both the type that were happy to keep our lives reasonably distant, I wouldn't care. Certainly not the type that wants to go home every Sunday for a roast. I tend to date guys who usually feel the same way too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 IMO it would probably depend on the road both of you take in how you deal with your own families. Many people choose a moderate road, where family interest is given some consideration, but nullified if they are being unreasonable or extreme, and spouse/partner is given priority. That's probably the road I'd go and prefer someone similar. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Certainly not the type that wants to go home every Sunday for a roast. Hahaha... Every Sunday after football, providing im not working!! Can't be missing my Sunday roast 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 5, 2014 Share Posted June 5, 2014 Legally you are only marrying the intended betrothed. As to the social dynamics, yes you will be consider a part of the extended family. Unsure why some folks think it is a curse to say you are apart of the family. Some families are actually healthy , with many fond monents and times to enjoy. If on the other hand there is friction, just remember, legally you are each others support and betrothed. You do NOT own each other . You share in some common goals and loving dynamics. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxmusical Posted June 6, 2014 Author Share Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) Thanks for the replies. So most of you would take your SO's family dynamics/background/friction/etc. into consideration when deciding whether to marry your SO? How far extended family would you be involved (can't think of another word) in, e.g. SO's parents & siblings, relatives like uncles/aunts/cousins, etc... Edited June 6, 2014 by xxmusical Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Hahaha... Every Sunday after football, providing im not working!! Can't be missing my Sunday roast I knew that would strike a chord with the Brits! So most of you would take your SO's family dynamics/background/friction/etc. into consideration when deciding whether to marry your SO? How far extended family would you be involved (can't think of another word) in, e.g. SO's parents & siblings, relatives like uncles/aunts/cousins, etc... If he was the kind that was completely independent, I would not care about his family. I don't care all that much what my SO's family think of us/me/him - as long as my SO is happy. As for extended family: no thanks. Siblings yes (mine is important to me and I think it's cool if a guy is close to his siblings) but aunts and uncles don't get a say. The biggest turn off I experienced was when I briefly dated an Indian guy. He was going on and on about how his mother wanted him to get married and how she kept putting pressure on him. He sounded like a baby He was the one with the racist parents. I thought that was far too much of a mess to get involved with - because he was a mummy's boy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 I don't think it matters in terms of who or how many family members he/she interacts with; some cultures are very collective and include very extended even tenuous relatives in the regular mix, and others hardly any. What is far more important is the dynamics as you say. HOW does he/she interact, and just as critical how does he/she expect YOU to interact. They can be the crappiest or the loveliest bunch... few or tolerably numerous... regardless, it will be the way you all interrelate that is key. And the SO will set the tone and standard. You need to take in the whole kit and caboodle and assess it against what you think is acceptable. Or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 (edited) It depends a lot on society and culture, gender too. For example, where i live it often happens that a new couple [married or damn close to marriage], will move in with one set of parents to save money for downpayment on house. They may end up living with them for a while. Most of the time, they move in with the man's family, which leads to some very interesting .... problems, between the present/future daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law, in regards to 'handing over her son' to this new woman. I'll add more later Edited June 6, 2014 by Radu Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 I knew that would strike a chord with the Brits! hahah! It's tradition - it's not Sunday if I'm not arguing over chicken bones with the brother! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Most of the time, they move in with the man's family, which leads to some very interesting .... problems, between the present/future daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law, in regards to 'handing over her son' to this new woman. I'll add more later Ha. Seen enough of that aspect of my culture to not want anything to do with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted June 6, 2014 Share Posted June 6, 2014 Ha. Seen enough of that aspect of my culture to not want anything to do with it. God, can't even imagine... the best thing you ever did was moving somewhere quite different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 7, 2014 Share Posted June 7, 2014 If he's close to or afraid of or influenced by his family, then you will be having to deal with that the rest of your married life. Even if they don't seem close, if your spouse jumps when a parent says jump, it will be an issue. You really need to like the family and have things in common with them for it to not cause big problems. A friend of mine's inlaws live about 50 miles away, but no matter how much she needs her husband to help out or how far behind they are in chores, etc., if his father calls and tells him to come help him do something minor, he will pick up and do it. He doesn't know how to say no to them. So you make sure someone is willing to put you first over their parents before marrying them. Have that talk with them. Link to post Share on other sites
down hearted Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 This depends in how needy and inconsiderate their family is, or how much power they feel entitled over your SO. My in-laws are super needy, where as my parents are not, they can fend for themselves when there is an issue and only ask for help if it's literally life and death and there is no other solution, my in-laws on the other hand ask for help every other day like its their right, without caring or thinking about me and my husband's own responsibilities and financial goals. The marrying your family thing, i just see it as you have to deal with them at one point or the other. Some are needier than most. This does not mean , however that you should tolerate rudeness and disrespect which most in laws feel they have the right to that to as though they own you just because you are married to their son/daughter. This is also quite the misunderstanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) A marriage is between the union of two not the union of family foremost, but the union of two who wish to share a life together.In spite of family or in love of family is an after effect and not the marriage or should affect the marriage you stand beside your partner not his family when you say your vows. In some instances religious situations of marriage ceremonies, family may not even be present and that is a state that family has to accept and honour as the vows are honoured and respected between a union of two who believe they should be together here and beyond the mortality of life, marriage is an eternal principle(is it principal or principle),that's my personal opinion and firm belief.. my step father will not be there to give me away if i were to marry and thats fine by me i give myself to a guy i love anyway,and hopefull he doesnt need his families permission or accpetance to be with me.I choose who i marry he chooses me. i dont need permission to do so.....deb Edited June 9, 2014 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxmusical Posted June 9, 2014 Author Share Posted June 9, 2014 So you make sure someone is willing to put you first over their parents before marrying them. Have that talk with them. Here's a question: should your spouse always put you first over parents/family? (Something like, who would SO save first if you and SO's mom fell into the ocean? lol) For those who are married, are you willing to be second place, behind your spouse's parents/family? Link to post Share on other sites
WrinkledForehead Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 For me, it does. I have two children and my partner knows that he would be a father figure to them. As far as extended family and in-laws? He's not marrying them, but bonus points for harmonious interactions. Link to post Share on other sites
down hearted Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Here's a question: should your spouse always put you first over parents/family? (Something like, who would SO save first if you and SO's mom fell into the ocean? lol) For those who are married, are you willing to be second place, behind your spouse's parents/family? Heck no! I come first! or else he can lie down in his mommy's bed at night not mine, guess who he will pick then ! That's what i thought! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted June 12, 2014 Share Posted June 12, 2014 My in-laws are super needy, where as my parents are not, they can fend for themselves when there is an issue and only ask for help if it's literally life and death and there is no other solution, my in-laws on the other hand ask for help every other day like its their right, without caring or thinking about me and my husband's own responsibilities and financial goals. Are you me? My future in laws are exactly the same. They are only in their early 60s (had my 42 year old fiance very young...my mother is in her mid 70s, and the difference is huge! My mother - who is poor health, can't drive, uses public transport - just gets on with life, and takes pleasure in being able to sort out most situations herself. FMIL - very healthy, has her own car etc - in particular puts on the helpless act so often it makes me want to wring her neck! She acts like my FI is some sort of surrogate husband! Tbh it puts me off marrying into the family. They whinge if they don't see FI every week. That's too often for me. I'm marrying FI, not them. Getting on with the inlaws is a bonus to me, not a necessity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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