ChelleBelle00 Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 My boyfriend and I have discussed getting engaged soon. We want to be married, but cannot even remotely agree on the engagement ring or the wedding itself. We went and looked at some rings at a few jewelers a couple times, found a gorgeous one at a reasonable price, and I assumed my ring would be that one, or one that's very similar. Well, yesterday it became clear he has no intentions of buying that ring. He says he wants to save instead. He came to me with 2 rings yesterday. One was a family heirloom, Very gaudy, massive setting, clearly a bit of costume jewelry, tarnished yellow gold. The other one was clearly from a 25 cent machine. It was a "pearl" that was just a plastic bead held in a plastic setting, with an adjustable band that you just pinch closed. I said no to them. He then said that I should wear his mother's engagement ring. He told me it would be a bit big for me but that it's a yellow gold band. He knows I don't like yellow gold. Heck, HE doesn't like yellow gold either. I told him I wasn't very fond of the idea but that I'd have to see the ring before I decided. Well, he said "no way" that I don't get to see the ring beforehand, that I should just accept it based on the symbolism. I get how it's symbolic for him. It's symbolic of his parents love. For me though? There's nothing symbolic. I don't know his parents. All it's symbolic of for me is that he's not willing to spend the money or time to get a ring that is meant for ME. One that suits my personality and style, and was selected for me, and me only. I don't even need an expensive one. While we were looking around the first time, I saw plenty of rings between $100-$200 that were pretty and that I would be happy with. Hell, I WILL PAY FOR IT MYSELF, but he doesn't like that, because he doesn't want me picking it out. I just don't understand why spending just a little money for something that will be with me for the rest of my life is so big for him. He makes $25 an hour working 60 hours a week. He has no shortage of cash. Meanwhile I only make $10/hr working 40 hours a week, but I'm the one more than willing to shell out the cash so I can have a ring I'm happy about? I don't want to wear a ring that may be unattractive, won't even fit, that wasn't even meant for me. I told him if I can't have a ring that was specifically meant for me and he'd rather save, that I'd honestly prefer not to have an engagement ring then. He says we can't be engaged without an engagement ring. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Is your bf cheap in other areas as well? That's one of my deal breakers...cheapness. This to me is a perfect example of it. It's not like you're asking for jewelry worth thousands of dollars, $200 is pretty cheap as far as rings are concerned and based on his income, for something you'll wear your whole life, he should have no problems paying for it and making the priority about you being happy and liking it. I can't imagine my bf pulling a stunt like this....but it seems for someone to do so they must regularly exhibit these types of behavior. Does he? Can you live with it forever? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Share Posted May 13, 2014 Is your bf cheap in other areas as well? That's one of my deal breakers...cheapness. This to me is a perfect example of it. It's not like you're asking for jewelry worth thousands of dollars, $200 is pretty cheap as far as rings are concerned and based on his income, for something you'll wear your whole life, he should have no problems paying for it and making the priority about you being happy and liking it. I can't imagine my bf pulling a stunt like this....but it seems for someone to do so they must regularly exhibit these types of behavior. Does he? Can you live with it forever? He's cheap on things like food and clothing. He likes to be frugal and save money where he can. If he can get a deal, he will. Usually where I'm concerned though, he isn't cheap. Christmas, Valentines Day, Birthdays, he is generous towards me. I remember a long time ago, he showed me a ring online that was "the perfect ring" in his eyes. It was about $3600. He said how he had almost bought it once, for an ex, and how lucky he was that she showed her true colors before he'd purchased it. The ring we looked at at the jeweler was about $1000, and he qualified for financing, so he would've been making low payments on it anyway. I don't want to wear an old, tarnished yellow ring for the rest of my life Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 It's a really emotional subject but I come down on the side of you're the one who has to wear it. Keep talking but if you can't resolve this issue, that doesn't bode well for your ability to resolve the other issues life will throw at you over time. How would you feel about wearing whatever in the beginning but him getting you a new ring for your 5th wedding anniversary? that's one possible solution Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Share Posted May 13, 2014 How would you feel about wearing whatever in the beginning but him getting you a new ring for your 5th wedding anniversary? that's one possible solution I don't know. Maybe. 5 years is a LONG time to wear a ring that I don't like, when I'd be thrilled with rings I saw that are only $100. I just can't guarantee that even if I did wear it for 5 years, that he'd actually get me a new one then. He might say "well, you've been doing just fine for 5 years now, do you really NEED a different one?" I'd gladly give him a $100 bill and tell him to go pick something that suits me. He knows my tastes, I know he'd come home with something very pretty. I like simple. A pretty little aquamarine would be just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 You guys really need to talk about this stuff. $100 seems very reasonable to me. Money issues however are one of the leading causes of divorce. If you can't work this out now, the future looks . . . iffy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Share Posted May 13, 2014 Breaking up is not an option, so I will compromise and wear whatever it is he wants me to wear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 Breaking up is not an option, so I will compromise and wear whatever it is he wants me to wear. Um... Well there is your answer. Although the point donnivain is making, and what your "solution" suggests, is that you may be signing up for a life where you simply go along with things you don't like, on his terms just to keep your relationship. Doesn't seem like a comfortable spot to be in. It's not just about a ring essentially, but what all the actions around it mean: what does it mean that he isn't listening to your concerns, what does it mean that he won't spend $200, what does it mean that you are clearly unhappy enough to post on a forum yet your solution is "Ill wear whatever he wants me to wear..." I mean....these are important things to consider. Will you simply resort to this kind of "solution" when future marital issues arrive, simply deferring to whatever he wants you to do, regardless of how you feel? That's not the definition of compromise...compromise is BOTH people usually giving in for a middle ground, not ONE person simply doing what the other wants. Please think carefully about it. I'm not saying break it off, I'm simply saying that HOW a couple handles conflict says a lot and sets precedence as you go into the rest of your lives and coming up with good conflict management habits (simply doing what the other person wants to avoid arguments/because of fear of breaking up isn't really managing conflict btw) is essential...and maybe this is happening right now so that you can address how you all deal with conflict BEFORE you say I do. So maybe you should use this scenario as the "test site" for speaking up and coming up with a compromise and not simply "I'll wear whatever he wants me to." 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Share Posted May 13, 2014 The issues revolving around our wedding are literally the only problem we've ever had. We see eye to eye on most other things and happily agree on other aspects of our relationship. I just want my husband. It's clearly a big deal for him, so I will fall back on this one and accept what he gives me. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted May 13, 2014 Share Posted May 13, 2014 The issues revolving around our wedding are literally the only problem we've ever had. We see eye to eye on most other things and happily agree on other aspects of our relationship. I just want my husband. It's clearly a big deal for him, so I will fall back on this one and accept what he gives me. That matters though... There will always be some new scenario in life that you'll be surprised you never had issues surrounding until then. So issues surrounding your wedding are important things to navigate and consider and not simply look at as some anomaly...it's part of your lives too. For some couples it's having a child, some, buying a house, some the wedding, when they realize how different their styles are of certain things or where their patience and conflict management is tested. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 did I read it right that you're not engaged yet? so... this could mean you're pushing for something he doesn't actually want just yet. the ring - to him - could symbolize much more than he's interested in and by giving you something cheaper or old he isn't as invested. even though it's only $200, which is very cheap, it might be the symbolism of actually getting the ring, and a new ring at that, that is causing him to not get it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseMadder Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 When my H and I got engaged he was a doing his nurse training and not making much money. We'd seen a gorgeous ring that was £1200 that I adored but never in a million years thought he'd even be proposing any time soon let alone spending that much on a ring. I will never forget the look of pride on his face when he brought that ring out on Xmas morning, he was so pleased that he'd got me something I loved, he wanted to make sure it was perfect. If he can't splash out on an engagement ring when can he? It's something you'll be wearing every day for the rest of your life (hopefully:)) Why should you make do with a $100 ring when he earns $25 an hour and was going to spend thousands on his ex? I'm not trying to stir the pot but it's no wonder you're upset. It seems like he's put zero thought or effort into something that means a lot to you, you've got to ask yourself is this how's he's going to be about the whole wedding. Will he want you to wear his moms wedding dress, get married in his parents living room and then go out to Pizza Hut for your wedding breakfast? And no guys that isn't an option... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 could mean you're pushing for something he doesn't actually want just yet. I mentioned this in my other thread, and will reiterate it here. I NEVER brought up marriage. It was 100% his idea. He had been hinting at marriage for months. I never talked about it, brought it up, or pressured him in the slightest. Talk of marrying me was all of his own volition. Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Is there any chance that he may have *your* ring waiting for you and he's using his family ring to trick you for a bit? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Is this the same poster whose bf won't compromise on wedding so she is giving in? Poor you. The life you are getting into will be no fun and full of tears. Make sure you keep your accounts and bills, property separate, he knows what constitutes cheating in your eyes, exactly how many kids you will have and exactly how you will raise them, and any and all household, errands and yard chores must be compromised on before getting married. That should stop the wedding really quick since he won't compromise. Then you won't need a ring. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I agree, cheapness can really break relationships. My brother learned from his past relationship...my dad didn't. He makes decent money and caused a scene at the movie theaters because he couldn't get his way. I know he's had failed relationships because of stuff like this. my husband surprised me with an engagement ring for $120. I loved it and the thought he put into it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Is this the same poster whose bf won't compromise on wedding so she is giving in? Poor you. The life you are getting into will be no fun and full of tears. Make sure you keep your accounts and bills, property separate, he knows what constitutes cheating in your eyes, exactly how many kids you will have and exactly how you will raise them, and any and all household, errands and yard chores must be compromised on before getting married. That should stop the wedding really quick since he won't compromise. Then you won't need a ring. Oh come now, that's quite dramatic! None of the other things you've mentioned have been even the slightest issue. Throughout our relationship, we've communicated and compromised well on everything, and have seen eye to eye on most everything. We don't fight, ever. To the poster asking if this could be a diversion - yes, it's possible. He does have a tendency to try to throw me off of surprises, but it usually doesn't work! Haha. A few weeks ago out of nowhere he said "You know what, maybe we should wait a few years to get married. Why rush? I think 6 years is good." -after having talked for so long about getting married next year, I felt slightly downtrodden and got it into my mind that he might be breaking up with me. Later that night I broke down in tears and he was VERY alarmed. Turned out he had been trying to throw me off of his proposal. That since we'd been talking about getting married so much that his proposal wouldn't surprise me. He wanted to throw me off and propose in July but I mucked up his plan! So it's possible that his mothers ring and even the ring browsing in shops was to throw me off of the actual ring. He did say there's no way he'd let me see/pick it beforehand, so perhaps it all is just a ploy to trick me. I would hate to get my hopes up though. Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 It is dramatic because that is where you are heading. If you live together and share household, yard, and errand chores, already have two adopted or biological kids whom you both are raising equally over the age of three, and are already using the same account to pay your bills, have spent years navigating holidays and vacations and have compromised on sex for more than just a Honeymoon period up to five years then I will apologize. Otherwise, the best is yet to come if you can't even get it together for your wedding and ring. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 How long have you been together? Sorry if it's already been posted... Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Chell, I'm sorry, but after reading your wedding thread I went back and read your old posts. A year ago, people were saying the same thing about this guy...the relationship is too one-sided, he's controlling....and you placate. From what I've read, you are so scared of being alone that you'd rather be in a crappy relationship. You keep telling yourself that you guys get along great...you did the same thing a year ago. Because you don't have a good track record for good relationships, you don't know what one looks & feels like. I'm not going to tell you to not marry this guy, but I will say you should talk to a counselor/therapist before you do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 We will have been together a year come July. We live together in his house currently. We will be moving to a new home that is "ours" come July. More bedrooms, planning for children. I refuse to have children out of wedlock, so putting off marriage would also be putting off starting our family. Not okay. Errands and chores have never been an issue. We both are happy to do them. We both share financial responsibilities. No issue. Sex has never been an issue. NOTHING has been an issue. Had there been issues, the discussions of getting married would never have happened. It's not some willy nilly "oh hey we like each other lets spend forever together" notion that struck us suddenly. I'm not about to end a once in a lifetime relationship over a ring. For all I know, he's throwing me off. For all I know, I'll get a nicer ring down the line. I won't know until he is proposing and the ring is in front of me. The chosen day for the wedding is 18 months away. Planning isn't even remotely in it's concrete stages yet. For all I know, we will end up finding a plan that's perfect for us. I came here with hopes of receiving advice on how to overcome the obstacles and move forward with our plans for marriage, instead I've been told "No just end it". How very simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Chell, I'm sorry, but after reading your wedding thread I went back and read your old posts. A year ago, people were saying the same thing about this guy...the relationship is too one-sided, he's controlling....and you placate. From what I've read, you are so scared of being alone that you'd rather be in a crappy relationship. You keep telling yourself that you guys get along great...you did the same thing a year ago. Because you don't have a good track record for good relationships, you don't know what one looks & feels like. I'm not going to tell you to not marry this guy, but I will say you should talk to a counselor/therapist before you do. This is NOT the same guy. Shortly after I posted those old threads, I broke up with him. Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 This is NOT the same guy. Shortly after I posted those old threads, I broke up with him. I'm seeing a pattern of history repeating itself then... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ChelleBelle00 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 I'm seeing a pattern of history repeating itself then... ??? You know absolutely nothing about my relationship. My ex was not a good boyfriend. Our relationship was lousy. I had enough, and ended it. My boyfriend now is absolutely incredible. We get along like two peas in a pod, we are soulmates, we were made for each other. He treats me like I am the only woman on this earth. I find it insulting that you would insinuate there is even the remotest similarity between this relationship and my past one. You could not be farther from the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 ??? You know absolutely nothing about my relationship. My ex was not a good boyfriend. Our relationship was lousy. I had enough, and ended it. My boyfriend now is absolutely incredible. We get along like two peas in a pod, we are soulmates, we were made for each other. He treats me like I am the only woman on this earth. I find it insulting that you would insinuate there is even the remotest similarity between this relationship and my past one. You could not be farther from the truth. Sorry. From what you've written now, and what you've written in the past, they sound like the exact same guy. And you're making the exact same excuses. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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